I was five weeks away from my due date and I think its safe to say; I was pretty terrified. Ansel was an absolute diamond throughout every little thing. From reading every baby book there is to being my rock in birthing classes (which, to be honest, were really awkward at times!). I sat on a yoga mat in a circle with seven other women and their partners as I leaned back against Ansel, our palms pressed together with our fingers entwined. I wanted to go to these classes with other first time moms so I could be prepared but being there and not being able to ignore that most of the other expectant moms were staring at Ansel and I quite a lot kind of made me regret the whole idea. In our first class, I heard three of them whispering, rather loudly, in a corner about how exciting it was that we were there. Not that I didn't love meeting fans but I wanted this to be a special time for Ansel and I and we chose to go to a public group so that things felt a little more normal. I know things can never be normal with our line of work, but we wanted to try. Ansel, being Ansel, took it all in his stride, but my hormones kept getting the better of me.
"Okay ladies! Great job today! Now, this will be the last time we'll have Shailene and Ansel with us as Shailene is quickly approaching her due date!", our instructor said excitedly. Everyone applauded as I forced a smile, tapping my bump with my fingertips. "I'd like you all to join me in wishing them good luck!". Her joy sickened me. Damn hormones. As the couples left, one by one they approached us to wish us good luck. We would always stay behind for at least 15 minutes to avoid the paparazzi. "So, how are you feeling Shailene?", the instructor asked when everyone had left.
"Okay I guess". More like angry as hell.
"Good! Its perfectly normal to be nervous when you're a first time mom, but just stick to the breathing exercises I taught you and let Ansel help you through it", she grinned. I nodded as I forced yet another smile.
"Thank you so much for everything Katy", Ansel thanked her as he shook her hand.
"Oh please, the pleasures all mine! If someone had told me when I took on this career path that I would be preparing Ansel Elgort and Shailene Woodley for childbirth, I would have asked them what drugs they're taking!", she laughed. I fake laughed along with her.
"Its probably okay for us to go now", I said, taking hold of Ansel's arm. "Thanks Katy", I smiled, genuinely this time. I was really grateful for everything she had taught us, I just wasn't myself.
"Take care now", she smiled as we left the room and headed down the corridor towards the exit.
"So how are those pregnancy hormones today?", Ansel smirked as he put his arm around my waist.
"I wanted to punch everyone.", I told him. He laughed. "I hate this!".
"It'll be over before you know it", he said softly as he tightened his grip on my waist.
"Yeah. And then I'll have this tiny person who'll scream at me all the time!", I huffed. Ansel laughed again as he kissed the top of my head. As we approached the exit, Ansel opened the door and as if out of nowhere, we were swarmed by the paparazzi.
"Shailene! Shailene! Have you had any strange cravings?"
"Are you nervous?"
"Ansel! Are you excited about becoming a dad?"
"Any plans to get married?". We had questions fired at us from all angles and it was in these moments that Ansel would get annoyed instead of me.
"Just, back off please guys. We need to get home", he said, trying so hard not to lose his temper. I had decided to remain utterly silent in these moments. I knew that once I started yelling I would never stop.
…
For the past month or so, Ansel had been filming the odd few scenes for the new Pirates of the Caribbean movie (they were very understanding and only had Ansel go out to film every two weekends in a month until the baby was born), which meant I would stay at home all weekend, watching TV and eating my body weight in ice cream. I had to convince him to take the role in the first place. He was so worried about leaving me alone in case anything happened and in case I got lonely. But so far, nothing had happened and I didn't feel alone. But I was incredibly jealous.
"You suck", I said, laying on our bed with my feet up as I watched him packing his things for the weekend.
"What?", he laughed.
"Why do you get to go out and have all the fun when all I get is to sit here and be fat?", I asked him seriously.
"Shai. We've had this conversation; you're not fat! And its just a weekend", he smiled. "You'll be back to work before you know it babe". I stayed silent for a moment.
"You still suck.", I sulked. Ansel laughed once more before leaving his packing and joining me on the bed. He put his arm around my shoulders as I leaned into him.
"You'll call me if anything happens right? I don't care if its a false alarm, I wanna know. Okay?", he said.
"Okay", I smiled at him.
"I love you"
"I love you too", I kissed him softly on the lips before he sat up and bent down to kiss my bump.
"I'll see you guys in three days", he smiled as he zipped up his luggage and started to leave. I waved at him before he closed the door and left. The next day, I had become bored of my own company and decided to call Nat Wolff.
"Hello?", he answered.
"Hey!", I replied.
"Oh hey Shai, whats up?"
"What are you doing today?", I asked.
"Nothing, why?"
"Ansel's out of town filming for the weekend and I'm bored and lonely. Wanna come over and watch a movie or something?"
"Sure. As long as you promise you're not gonna yell at me again". The last time Nat and I hung out, I yelled at him for trying some of my chocolate ice cream when he had his own vanilla ice cream.
"I cant promise that, but I can promise that I'll try", I laughed. He laughed with me.
"Okay, I'll be there soon"
"Awesome, just let yourself in", I smiled before hanging up. Nat came over a half hour later with two tubs of Rocky Road ice cream.
"This time we'll both have the same flavor and no one needs to steal anyone's ice cream", he grinned as he handed me a tub and sat next to me on the bed.
"You're a sweetheart", I laughed as I opened my tub and began eating my ice cream. "Dude," I said with a mouth full of ice cream, "I have eaten so much ice cream in these past seven months that my babys probably gonna be born with ice powers", I laughed. We finally picked a movie to watch before not actually watching it and just talking instead.
"So, are you guys excited?", he asked me.
"Ansel cant wait. I'm sort of in between", I told him honestly.
"What do you mean?"
"Well, I want this to be over so I can get back to being me again and enjoy being a mom but, I'm terrified too".
"That's understandable. I'd be pretty scared too", he said.
"But I'm so tired of being angry all the time! And when I'm not angry, I'm crying, which makes me angry again!", I said, thumping the bed beneath me and causing Nat's ice cream tub to tip over and spill ice cream all over him. "Oh crap! I'm so sorry! Wait there, I'll go get a towel and one of Ansel's clean shirts", I said, struggling to get up off of the bed.
"Its okay Shai, I can get it", he fought.
"No, I'll do it", I fought back, making my way into the kitchen. I grabbed a washcloth from the kitchen counter when suddenly, I felt a sharp pain in my lower abdomen as a gush of water spilled out of me from in between my legs. I hunched over in horror, grabbing my bump with one hand and using my other hand to hold on to the kitchen counter.
"Shai?- Shai! Are you okay in there?", I heard Nat call.
"Nat!", I called out in panic. I could hear his footsteps fast and loud as he ran to me.
"Holy sh- what happened?", he asked in horror as he stood my side, placing a caring hand on my back.
"I- I think my waters just broke! I need- I need Ansel! You have to call Ansel!", I screamed out in pain, my knees buckling as I dropped to the floor.
"I need to get you to the hospital Shai! I'll call Ansel after", he told me as he left my side to call 911.
"Nat. Nat! I cant do this without Ansel! You have to get him here! You have to get him here now!", I cried out in pain. I was now on all fours, rocking back and forth as the pain intensified.
"-she's in quite a lot of pain- I- um- I don't know! She went into the kitchen and then I found her like this!- Okay- okay thanks- bye!", he hung up as he returned to my side. "Okay Shai, an ambulance is on its way. I'm gonna give Ansel a call now", he said, returning to his cell phone. It wasn't long before a couple of paramedics arrived. "Okay Shai, listen to me; I cant get through to Ansel's cell but I'm gonna keep trying okay?", Nat told me. I nodded as I scrunched my face up in pain.
"Okay Shailene, we're gonna put you in this wheelchair and get you to the hospital", one of the paramedics told me as he lifted me up and placed me in a wheelchair.
"Nat? Nat!", I called out as I was wheeled away, reaching for his hand. "I'm scared", I admitted as I started to cry, holding his hand as tight as I could.
"Its gonna be okay Shai", he told me as I was rushed out of the apartment.
…
An hour later, I was laid in a hospital bed, writhing in pain as Nat had gone outside to try and call Ansel's cell again.
"Okay, I called Ansel; he's on his way! And I called your parents too, they're on their way over here now", he told me as he rushed back into the room.
"Thank you", I said through clenched teeth as I sat up.
"Do you need me to get you anything?", he asked nervously.
"Just- just be here", I said. Another hour passed and my mom soon rushed into my room. "Mom!", I cried.
"Oh Shailene honey! Its okay, I'm here", she said as she rushed to my side, taking my hand and running her fingers through my hair.
"I'm gonna go wait outside now Shai", Nat said as he shuffled awkwardly towards the door.
"O- Okay. Thank you Nat", I said as I forced a smile. He smiled back at me before leaving.
"Okay, so how are we doing in here?", my midwife smiled as she entered the room.
"Is- is it supposed to hurt this much?", I struggled to speak.
"Its perfectly normal sweetie, you're doing very well! Most women are normally cussing at me by now", she chuckled. "You just keep taking your gas and air", she said as she lifted up my hospital gown. "Oh my, you're almost fully dilated Shailene", she told me.
"What? I cant be! I cant have the baby when Ansel isn't here!", I panicked as I sat up once more.
"He'll be here honey, don't you worry", my mom said softly as she continued to run her fingers through my hair.
"How- how long until I have to push?", I asked.
"Oh, I'd say about another hour", the midwife told me.
"Mom- please, can you call Ansel? Find out where he is?", I asked. My mom nodded before leaving the room to make the call.
"So, do we know the sex?", the midwife asked as she scanned a clipboard.
"N- no. We wanted it to be a surprise", I tried to smile.
"Aw, that's lovely! I wanted to keep the sex of my first baby a secret but my husband was dying to find out", she told me. I was grateful that she was trying to take my mind off of the excruciating pain I was feeling but nothing in the whole universe could take my mind off of it. "Where is dad then?", she asked.
"He's- he's away filming", I told her, puffing on my gas and air tube.
"Aw yes! I keep forgetting the two of you are actors! My daughter's a big fan", she smiled.
"Aw, I'll have to sign something for her when all of this is- OH GOD!", I yelled out in pain.
"Okay sweetie, just keep taking deep breaths", she said. All of a sudden, the door burst open and Ansel came rushing in dressed, of all things, as a pirate.
"Ansel!", I called out in both pain and relief.
"Its okay babe. I'm here. I'm here", he said as he kissed my forehead repeatedly, taking my hand within his.
"Okay, we're not too far now Shailene", the midwife told me as she lifted my hospital gown once again. "Are you ready to push?", she asked. I remained in a terrified silence.
"Hey, you can do this, okay?", Ansel said softly.
"Okay", I gave a shaky reply.
"On three I want you to give me a really big push okay sweetie?", the midwife asked. I nodded as I sat up a little more to prepare myself. "One, two, three! Push Shailene!". I hunched myself forward, closing my eyes as tight as I could as I pushed with everything I had. I thought I was going to crush Ansel's hand.
"Come on Shailene! You can do this babe! You're doing it!", Ansel encouraged me as he squeezed my hand in return, holding my hair back so it wasn't in my face, the excited grin on his face melted my heart. As I continued to push with everything I had, everything seemed to go in slow motion, and I felt as if I kept drifting in and out of consciousness when I began to cast my mind back to when Ansel and I told our parents I was expecting. We stood outside his family home in New York as I nervously stared at the front door. I didn't want to budge from that spot. "Hey, its gonna be okay. You'll see", Ansel smiled at me before leading me through the front door and into his parents house.
"Ansel! Shailene! What a surprise", his mother smiled as she greeted us, kissing me on the cheek before wrapping her arms around Ansel's shoulders. "You should have called first, I would have made some lunch"
"Actually mom, Shai and I have something we wanna tell you. Is dad here?", Ansel asked.
"I thought I heard your voice", His father approached us, kissing me on the cheek as his wife had done and hugging Ansel. "How are you son?", he asked.
"Ansel and Shailene have something to tell us Arthur", Ansel's mother told him suspiciously.
"Maybe we should all sit down?", I managed to speak. The four of us made our way into the living room before Ansel sat by my side, taking my hand within his own and holding it tight. The silence was deafening and I could feel the beads of sweat leaving my forehead as I became more nervous.
"What is it sweetie?", his mom asked, looking worried as she sat forward in her seat.
"Okay, so- I know that- that Shai and I haven't been dating all that long but- you guys know how much I love her, right?", he asked. His parents nodded in unison, smiling softly. The sight calmed my nerves a little. "I don't want you to freak out because- well- we're not freaking out. And we want this more than anything"
"Ansel son; what are you trying to tell us?", his father asked.
"Shailene is pregnant", he sighed nervously. The deafening silence soon returned as I scanned for some sort of emotion on each of their faces. Nothing. I tightened my grip on Ansel's hand as my insides began to squirm.
"This is what you want?", his mother finally spoke. We nodded in unison. I managed to crack a smile as a few stray tears trickled down my cheeks. I had no idea why I was crying, but I was. "And you're ready for this?". We nodded again. "Then- then congratulations", she suddenly smiled as she got up out of her seat to hug us both.
"You're okay with this?", Ansel asked in shock. His mother nodded.
"Ansel, I've always respected what you want out of life, and I trust you. Not to mention; I've always believed in you honey. I knew you were going to be a great dancer, I knew you were going to be a great DJ and actor, and I have every faith that you and Shailene are going to be incredible parents", she smiled brightly.
"Thank you so much", I said breathlessly as I put my arms around her shoulders, hugging her tight as she hugged me back. Ansel and I quickly turned our attention to his father who had not uttered a word.
"Dad?", Ansel spoke.
"I'm going to be a grandpa?", he asked. Ansel nodded. His father suddenly smiled as he got up and hugged his son. I only wish things could have gone so smoothly with my parents. Well, my mom was really supportive of the whole thing, but my dad on the other hand? Lets just say; there's a reason I told Ansel I wanted to tell my parents the news by myself. I decided to tell them one by one, starting with my mom so I could ask her advice on how to approach my dad. My mom was ecstatic about the news once I had reassured her that I love Ansel and I really wanted this.
"How is dad going to take this?", I asked her nervously.
"He'll be okay Shailene. We'll tell him together okay?", she said. I nodded. Later that same afternoon, my dad returned home where my mom and I waited to tell him the news. "Honey? Shailene has something to tell you", my mom said. My dad put his briefcase down at the side of the couch before sitting across from us and smiling at me. "Go ahead sweetie", my mom said softly to me. I took a deep breath before looking my dad in the eyes.
"I'm pregnant dad", I told him. I wanted to get it over and done with, like ripping off a band-aid.
"What?", he replied, his smile vanishing from his face.
"I'm so happy about this. We both are. Ansel and I love each other. I love him so much daddy and we want this more than anything", I began to rush my words as my eyes began to fill with tears. My dad remained silent. "Dad- please say something", I begged. He sighed as he pinched the skin between his eyebrows.
"Weren't you careful?", he finally spoke.
"I was. Well- I thought I was, but- but things are never simple dad, you taught me that", I replied. He sighed once more.
"I thought you were smarter than this Shailene", he said.
"Loni, you know she's been besotted with Ansel since the day she met him. We knew that before Shailene herself knew it! He worships the ground she walks on honey and they both want this. She's not a little girl anymore", my mom said.
"She'll always be my little girl", my dad replied.
"I know dad, and that will never change, I swear. I am smarter than this! That's how I know that I want to do this", I told him. We just looked at each other for a moment after that, before he gave a big sigh and got up out of his seat to hug me.
"I love you sweetie", he said.
"I love you too daddy", I told him as I hugged him tight. And there I was; back in that delivery room, time beginning to speed up again as Ansel and the midwife chanted for me to push.
"You're almost there Shailene, I just need one more big push!", she told me.
"I- I cant do this. I'm so tired", I wept as I let my forehead rest against Ansel's arm.
"Just one more push Shai and you've done it! Come on babe", he said as he kissed the top of my head. I returned to my previous position as I prepared myself for one final push. Everything returned to slow motion in that single moment, but not like before. The beautiful sound of a baby crying suddenly filled the room as the midwife held this tiny little person before me.
"You have a beautiful, healthy baby boy", she smiled. I began to sob happily as I stared at my son. Ansel kissed the top of my head repeatedly before we both admired our beautiful baby boy.
"I'm so proud of you", Ansel told me breathlessly as I looked up at him. Tears of joy rimmed his eyes. The midwife took our son momentarily to get him cleaned up as Ansel and I kissed, rather passionately to say I had just given birth.
"I cant believe hes here", I laughed breathlessly as our foreheads met.
"I love you so so much", he replied.
"I love you too", I grinned before kissing him again.
"Here he is", the midwife smiled as she handed me the tiny blue bundle she held in her arms. He was so small that I was terrified of breaking him. He had a full head of tufty brunette hair and gorgeous ocean blue eyes that could melt your heart right down to the core with one glance.
"Hes so beautiful", I smiled down at him, holding him close to me as if he might, somehow, drift away.
"Just like his mom", Ansel said before reaching down and kissing our son's forehead. I never thought I could feel so much love as I laid there with my two boys. Hours passed and visitors came and went as they met our new arrival. I was so tired and I had absolutely no idea how my eyes were still open. Ansel and I found ourselves alone with our baby boy for the first time since he was born and we just laid together on the hospital bed, watching our son in his crib as I rested my head against Ansel's chest with his arm draped around my shoulders. "Wow", he suddenly said.
"What?"
"I'm a dad", he said, grinning the brightest grin he could produce. I giggled as I reached up to kiss him on the cheek. "My dad said there were a ton of reporters outside the hospital", he told me.
"I don't care about them right now", I sighed contently.
"So, we need a name for our son", I could hear him smiling as he spoke.
"You're right, we do", I replied. I turned my head to look at his, he looked completely lost in thought as he stared at the crib. "Any ideas?", I asked.
"I think he looks kinda like an Ethan", he told me.
"Ethan Elgort. I really love it. And you're right; he does look like an Ethan", I smiled as I sat up so I could see into the crib a little more clearly. Ansel got up off of the bed and walked over to the crib, picking up our tiny little boy and cradling him in his arms.
"Hey Ethan", he smiled down at him. And just when I thought I couldn't fall any deeper in love, Ethan suddenly wrapped his tiny hand around Ansel's pinky finger and held on to it with all the strength he had. Ansel sat back beside with Ethan before I ran my palm softly across Ethan's tufty hair.
"I love you so much", I whispered to him as I kissed his forehead. Ansel and I leaned into each other as we watched over our son lovingly for a while.
"So, I was gonna do this when we got home and I wanted take you somewhere nice but- I think this is perfect", Ansel almost whispered. I looked up at him, one eyebrow raised as I smiled softly. Holding Ethan with just one arm, he used his other arm to reach into his back pocket before pulling out a diamond ring.
"Oh Ansel", I gasped in shock.
"Marry me?", he said simply, half smiling at me as he raised his eyebrows up and down. I laughed.
"Do you even have to ask?", I smirked before leaning into kiss him. I ran my fingers through his hair before pulling away to just look into his eyes for a moment.
"Give me your hand", he said. I held out my left hand as he gently put the ring on my finger. "Okay?", he asked.
"Okay", I smiled brightly at him.