1: I am home!
I know for many of you who choose to read this, will say; This is not Rufus Shinra! This is not the man who took over Shin-ra Electric Power, as President, and tried to continue to form the world into his own. But it has been many years since I was that man. And there have been many bitter lessons that I have been forced to learn. Painful they may have been, but they opened my eyes. I have learned and grown; I have changed! And yet there was still a darkness inside of me. I continued to hurt the one I loved the most. The day I realized this, I ran away!
It has now been three days since I returned home; and here I am, sitting in a chair in my room... our room, watching my lover sleep. He is my Heart, my All! And yet I walked from him, from us. I couldn't even tell you how long I've been gone for. The days, weeks and months have blurred together. Becoming a bleak numbness inside of me. I wondered listlessly through the town's of our world. Spent time hiding in mountain cabins, staring at wondrous scenery that I wished I could share but was unable to. I hid from those who knew me. Often times disguising my appearance. There was so much shame inside of me and I couldn't bear that burden.
I hadn't been able to really accept and believe that he truly loved me. And so I would play these little games. I'd leave pictures of me and past lovers lying around for him to find, just to get a reaction from him. I would berate him for making new friends and spending time with them, during those times when I wasn't home. Always making it seem like there was more going on. We where married but had done so in secret. And that too began to play on my mind. Like I wasn't good enough to be open about. That what we shared was something shameful and needed to be hidden. So, like the spoiled child I once was, I would lash out.
The last time I went at him for making other friends. I implied that he couldn't be faithful. That he didn't really love me. He looked at me without flinching and said he had only made a new friend because he had been lonely. That he loved me and only me. But I had remained cold and distant. I selfishly tried to punish him for being human. Some time had passed and I was through my suck fit. We were having dinner together and I playfully suggested on how we could spend the evening. As he looked at me, I saw his expression before he hid it behind the facade of a TURK. He was crushed, there had been a look of defeat and resignation upon it. And then that slight tick under his left eye. And that look drove a knife through my heart because I knew I was the cause of it. I asked him what was wrong. But he just replied with. "Nothing Sir. I just have a lot of work to do." And with that he got up from the table and left.
That night, as I sat in this very chair. I thought of just how much time he had been spending at Shin-ra. And how many nights he had stayed in his suite there. Staring out into the back garden. I came to two painful realization. The first! I was the one who didn't deserve him. I had been the one who was constantly leaving on one trip or another; leaving him and our daughter by themselves for long periods of time. The second was. This was the example I was setting for our daughter, Liz. That it was normal to treat your partner poorly. I knew how badly it would end for the person who did treat her this way or she would end up a very lonely person. So I took of my wedding band, knowing I hadn't even gotten him one yet, and I put it on a chain that I wore. I no longer felt I was worthy of the promise we had made to each other. And without leaving a note or backward glance I walked out of the house.
Tseng; Director and leader of the TURKS. And the one constant in my life! He, at first, was assigned to me as a personal tutor of sorts. He was to prepare me for the role I had been born to; To become President of my father's company, Shin-ra Electric Power Company.
We were both young at the time. I was barely adolescent. He was a young man. Serious, almost to a fault, but he performed his duty assigned to him at that time. He taught me how to defend myself; how to use a gun; how to perceive danger; how to read people; how to guard and mask my emotions and so forth. Skills, my father thought necessary.
There where other thing Tseng had taught me. Silly things that neither of us expected; like how to waltz. Yes, Tseng was the one who was my dance partner when my father felt I need to know how to properly dance... But I regress. Tseng also saw to me being properly home schooled, as my father didn't feel it would be appropriate to attend the local school.
Over the course of those next few years he had become my friend and confident. Even though he seem distant and aloof and more often then not, I acted the spoiled child; he was the one person I could depend on. He was also the person who was there for me when my mother passed away.
The day I was told she had died, was also the day my father enrolled me into the military school and Tseng was reassigned to other and priorities. I was only fourteen but I was the presidents son and therefore accorded the respect due to one of my station. I will confess now though; it was the most lonely period of my life I no longer saw the one person whom I had come to call a friend and I no longer had the one person who loved me unconditionally, my mother!
The other people who attended the academy. would either keep their distance or try and curry my favor. Real friendships never occurred. I couldn't trust people and their intentions. This is when I truly learned how to mask my emotions and my ambitions. I also learned how to manipulate people to my own ends. To use their desire of acquaintance with me for my own benefit. How to ferret out their deepest fears and use them against them. I also learned how to create the illusion of things; hiding my true self behind a mask of cool indifference. It was during this time when I truly became a bitter and angry young man.
I had been raised to view people as nothing more then sheep. Mindless beings that needed to be lead and my father was the shepherd who herded the flock. And in many ways that is how he treated me and my brother. 'Yes I had learned of Lazard. I leaned some of his story; even though I never confronted him on it.' We where puppets to dance to his tune.
In his eyes, I wasn't Rufus. I was only his heir! I didn't have any identity, apart from that. Hell most of the time I didn't even exist, unless it suited his purpose. And I hated him for that. It seemed that I would never be good enough for him. That I too was substandard. And because of that I became even more resentful and I hated him. So I made plans to eliminate him.
I begun manipulating people and events to that end. Staying in the background but ensuring that those who had chosen to fight at that time; had the tools and information they needed to achieve their goals. To bring down Shin-ra and it's President. And then, when all was in ruin I planned to step in and rebuild the company in my vision out of the ashes that was left. But that was not to be.
At the age of eighteen having completed schooling at the military academy; Far different from those who wanted to join the military or any of it's branches like SOLDIER or the TURKS. I received a more academic education; I returned home.
The conflict with Wutai had escalated into all out war. The new SOLDIER program had been installed and its three top members where out on the battle front but Midgar carried on like it was just another day. That was when my father through a ball in my honor and named me Vice-President, a position that was only paid lip service too. It was also when I got to re connect with Tseng. But time changes things, he wasn't the same person that had befriended me all those years ago but then again I was no longer that child; I became aware of the growing attraction I had for him.
The next few years pass. I took a more active roll within the company; which allowed me the opportunity to further my plans in regards to ridding the world of my father. I created a persona of myself; cool, aloof and distant, the perfect business man, is what the public saw. I shrouded my personal life as non existent. But there was always that desire to be with him, however slight. I had tried many times to entice him to my bed but the Gods, fate or destiny seem to take perverse pleasure at keeping us at arms length.
But then it happened. Shortly after I had turned twenty-four; events conspired to throw us together. He and his TURKS kidnapped me. But Tseng didn't tell me the truth of it. He had said that this was being done for my protection and I believed him. He had always been honest with me. It was during this time when we first came together. And even though I was drunk; It was the most amazing experience of my life. But that bubble was quickly burst when my own father came to 'rescue me'. I learned of the real reasons why I had been kidnapped and I felt betrayed. But what was worst, was that my father had found out about what I had been doing. Funding the very organization that was trying to take down Shin-ra.
I had been found out, arrested and brought before my father. I was taken to his office, in handcuffs. And even though I was angry and humiliated, I let none of it show! There was only Tseng and himself in his office that day and I truly thought he would have had me executed for my treason, there was still a standing order for my brother Lazards' arrest. I also knew that he was going to execute the TURKS for their involvement in the events that had played out with AVALANCHE. In that moment, even though I was angry as hell with Tseng, I couldn't stand the thought of him be killed either. So in anger I yelled at him to prove his loyalty to the company by executing the true traitors, Vled and his daughter, himself. He looked me right in the eyes and nodded. Moments later; the two where brought in. And it was carried out in my fathers office. Funny, that was the day I earned my fathers respect. He now saw me as being capable of running the company. That I was capable of going to any length to ensure that I snd the Company, stayed in that position of power. And even though I already had the potion; My father officially promoted me to Vice-President. But he wasn't going to let me go unpunished either. He had me placed under house arrest.
I was to be confined to the Shin-ra penthouse suite in Junon indefinitely; a gilded cage. Tseng was to escort me there and ensure that I was put under proper security. I almost laughed in the old mans face but managed to control myself. I discreetly glanced at Tseng, wondering if I had dreamed that night we had spent together but he just stood there, a human statue.
As Tseng escorted me out of the office that day, I noticed that he refused to look me in the eye but there was this slight tick under his left eye. I wanted to confront him on everything. I wanted to scream and yell at him for what he did. I also wanted to take him into my arms and tell him I was sorry for what I had made him do. But I didn't do either, I just calmly walk to where the helicopter stood ready to take me to Junon.
The Helo ride from Midgar to Junon was done in silence. He was now, in essence, my father's man; as he was now Head of the TURKS. I had become so distrustful of anything associated with my father, that I no longer saw the man who had befriended me but as an obstacle. Looking at the calm serenity on his face though, I was reminded of the person who had been my friend and I wanted to reach out to that person but I didn't know what to say and I was too afraid that he was truly on my fathers side. So I held my own counsel.
The walk from the Helo pad in Junon to the suite almost felt like the last walk. I was to be hidden away and forgotten. But even though I was emotionally in turmoil I still let none of it show.
Upon entering the suite Tseng dismissed the Infantry man who was also a part of the escort. He closed and locked the door to the suite. He then came and took the handcuffs off.
As I was massaging my wrist, trying to get blood flow back into my hands, he finally spoke.
"You will be guarded around the clock. There are guards stationed at different points to insure that you will not be able to leave. You will be allowed to invite a certain number of friends, if you wish, to visit, Be warned though, they will under go a full search before being allowed to enter the suite. If there are any additional items you would like or need you can make a list and leave it with the housekeeper; who will be allowed to bring it the following day."
His voice never gave into emotion, like my fathers had. He just simply stated what was going to be allowed and what wasn't.
He then turned and headed to the door. Before he left though; he did turn and look at me and once again a strange expression on his face, but he didn't say a word, just turned and walked out the door and the sound of the locking system being engaged was like a gunshot through my head and I think I lost my mind.
At first he and members of his team would stay with me to 'keep me company'. But our world was falling into chaos and their service was to Shin-ra and my father. So all too soon they stopped coming.
I drank a lot. And because I was unable to leave the suite, even under guard, I had 'friends' over constantly. Knowing I was under some sort of surveillance; I made sure they got a show. Men, women, singly or in pairs. It didn't matter! I took what I wanted; how I wanted and when I wanted.
I thought to anger my father; to try and get a reaction from him. Try to get him to acknowledge me. But it never happened.
Tseng would still come, from time to time, to the suite and inquire to my welfare. He was always polite, but still so distant. And my own pride refused to allow me to be anything more then civil towards him. He would occasionally talk to me, telling me of the events that where occurring outside but never did either of us bring up the night we had spent together, so perversely these visits only angered me all the more.
As the days turned into weeks; my father was letting the world go to hell and was only concerned about maintaining his lifestyle and keeping his hands clean. My father was a weak fool who was going to be the reason why this world was going to end up being destroyed.
Then one night, so lost in hate ans anger, I went on an almost terrifying binge. Not only did I get drunk, but I indulged in what we call maiden's lace. A drug that is made from the flower Maiden's Hope. The euphoria it induces is like nothing you can experience. And that night, with two other lovers, we had a sexual experience that bordered on violence. I think I had been trying to end my own life.
I never allowed my lover's to stay the night. That crossed the boundaries I had established. Sleeping with someone was personal. I was not going to let anyone have that privilege! So that morning, when Tseng entered my bedroom and opened the curtains, letting the morning light flood the room and my eyes, I was alone in the bed.
Groaning in pain, sick from the over indulgence, I laid there almost helpless. Tseng was standing there looking at me, waiting for me to acknowledge him but I couldn't.
I could see the sadness in his eyes and the disappointment. And for some reason that I couldn't fathom; that hurt me more then my fathers lack of interest in me ever did but I locked down that emotion. I wasn't going to let Tseng know how badly I still hurt over his rejection.
Shaking his head, he walks over to the night table and proceeds to dump what was left of the Maiden's Lace into the waste can. He then speaks to me. His voice calm, quiet but there was underlying pain and sadness to it.
"Young Sir, if I ever hear of you partaking of this drug. I will, for your own good, lock you somewhere, where no one can find you! Things are not good and you need to be ready for what is coming. Being intoxicated all the time is not going to help you in this matter."
Standing there at the edge of my bed, looking solemnly at me; that tick under his left eye was visible.
"Rufus please, stop doing this to yourself. The time, I believe, is coming very quickly when we are going to need you!" And then he just turned and left. I laid there wondering if I had just imagined the conversation or did Tseng just plead with me to stop this self destructive path I has set myself on?
The rest of the day I spent either being sick or sleeping. The troubles of our world seemed distant and far away as I struggled with the troubles in my heart and in my head. By late that afternoon I started to feel more like myself. So I had gotten up and showered and changed into a clean pair of slacks, leaving my feet and chest bare. Making myself something to eat and poured a strong cup of coffee; I sat down and turned on the T.V.; something I rarely did, And was assaulted with images of the plate in sector seven falling onto the slums below.
Staring numbly at that T.V. Screen trying to get a grip on what I was seeing. The news reporter could be heard saying that this was a terrorist attack by the Anti Shin-ra group known as Avalanche! I sat there horrified. Hundreds of people where dead.
I heard the click of the lock, the door opening and closing and then locking again. Turning I saw that is was Tseng who had entered. He just stood there. Staring blankly, his skin tone actually looked ashen, his eyes held a haunted look.
"Tseng?" I had called to him softly.
He looked at me, his eyes refocusing, tears actually forming in them "Oh God what have we done?" He pleaded with me.
In that moment, the man who was a TURK became just the man, Tseng. And I knew then that I had never lost the person who had been my friend and mentor and dare I say it? My lover. He had been there there the whole time, buried underneath the façade that Tseng had created for himself.
I couldn't help myself. I walked forward and took him into my arms and held him. Showing him that here was a safe haven where he could be human and morn. He didn't sob, or cry brokenly. He just let the tears pour from him as his body shuddered; his breathing broken some what. This man was in extreme pain. As I held him, I realized I was not so removed from my own emotions.
I asked him what had happened and he told me. All of it, the whole truth. He started by recounting the events that lead to the death of Zack Fair and, what they believed at the time, the death of an Infantry solder named Cloud Strife. What Avalanche had done by bombing the reactors. And what my father had ordered to be done to try and crush the group. And what he himself had been ordered to do.
It was obvious to me that things where way out of hand. My father and Avalanche both had to be stopped. But all I could do that day was hold him and try to comfort him.
As the storm of emotion started to subside in Tseng and he was able to pull himself back together; he took a step away from me. And looked at me. I can laugh now because I know why he had looked at me oddly at times; but back then I didn't know the reason for that odd look that crossed his face and the slight tick that happened under his left eye.
He stared at me. His eyes widened a little and his mouth parted as he quietly exclaimed "Oh!" And then he blushed. Yes Tseng, Head TURK and a man who was my senior by a few years. The same man who had made love to me so completely , blushed. It was the most adorable thing I had witnessed. I'm still not sure what happened but the next thing I knew he was in my arms and we where kissing each other passionately.
That night we shared something that bound us together in ways I never thought possible. He taught me not only how to love but how to be loved. That night we fell in love with each other but it would be a few more years and many more trials before we would be able to admit to ourselves or each other just how we truly felt.
A/N: I have reedited this work as I am writing this story in collaboration with Kitsune-queen and our story has evoled. So I have reworked some new things into this.
(I have always had a great fondness for the TURKS and threw the years as the story of Final Fantasy VII developed and grew; So too did me endearment for Rufus and
Tseng! Even though their circumstances demanded them to be cold and distant; they both are human with feelings, wants, desires and needs. In my mind, The tragedies that they faced and endued has brought them together as friends, partners and lovers! I will be compiling a series of shorts, as the come to mind, of events that have unfolded, from Rufus Shinra point of view)