In my room, I start hitting my arm against my desk, mum isn't home when so she won't hear.
It's my favourite time when mum's out, I get to hurt in whatever way I need. After hitting my arm a times and getting nothing but a bruise, I remove my phone case and slide out the blade I use most often, it's my favourite.
The one issue is I can never get long enough cuts, they're either long and shallow and short and deep.
Pushing the point in, wondering if I'll finally end it I hear my mum pull up on the drive. I mop up the blood, bandage my arm up and hide the blade.
"Fay? Are you up there?"
"I'm just coming," I need to get quicker at bandaging, this isn't helping my anxiety issues. I pull my jumper on and go downstairs.
"I'm going to make a pasta bake for dinner tonight, so can you go sit in the lounge whilst I get the knives out," I sigh and roll my eyes, she'd been like this since I was admitted to an inpatient unit last year. The hospital staff said it would be a good idea so she did it, along with searching my chest of drawers and taking the laces out of my shoes. None of which had any consequence to me, I never hid my blades in the drawers because I knew she'd search there, if she ever cared that I was doing it, so I'd got them, scattered all over my room.
"Right," I slumped out of the kitchen and and went into the lounge.
"This is your fault, you do realise," my mum said "we wouldn't have to do this if it wasn't for you and your silly habits."
"Well... you smoke," I said, "you can hardly talk about silly habits."
"I have to smoke because you stress me out so much."
At this point, my face dropped. There was always a this point in the argument, when she said something that made me feel worthless.
"I'm not hungry." The evening was ruined so I went to my bedroom and flopped down, only slightly wincing at the pain as my arm hit the pillow.
Lying on my bed I watched the stars, I saw a shooting star and quickly closed my eyes and prayed for a release, prayed for the courage to get away from this hell hole.
A dark shadow came over my face, blocking out the light. Opening my eyes I saw a dark figure with flames for eyes.
I closed my eyes and whispered, "it's not real, it's not real. You're just hallucinating."
I slowly unclenched my eyes and peered through and the shadow had gone.
I breathed out slowly, I didn't normally get hallucinations but I new how to stop them.