Dear Journal,

My name is Jude Harrison. I'm a rock star. I'm 21 years old. I'm many things, actually. Blonde, ambitious, lively... anything along those lines. I've got a bit of an attitude... if you ask my best friend, Jamie. I have a hard time making decisions. Just ask my on-again, off-again boyfriend. Tommy Quincy. Yeah. You've probably heard of him. He's six and a half years my senior and he still has the mentality that he had when I met him. He was 22 then and he's 29 now and currently suffering an on-the-brink-of-turning-30 crisis. We have a two-year-old son, Zachary. And currently, we aren't living together because of his... condition, if you want to say. I'm five months pregnant.

Now, you probably want to know why I'm five months pregnant if Tommy's off somewhere and I'm raising our son. Well, Tommy's never been particularly stable. Then again, neither have I. I mean, I'm not nearly as bad as he is, don't get me wrong. But I always keep coming back to Tommy. I love him, despite his faults. Even though our son asks me every day when Daddy's going to come back home and I can't give him an honest answer. Tommy loves Zach. I know he does. But he's not acting like the dad he needs to be. That's why I haven't told him about the baby. Yes, I love Tommy with all of my heart, but when you love someone who can't always be there for you, sometimes you have to pull away. I know. I'm not making any sense. You're probably reading this, thinking I'm an idiot for not telling Tommy about this kid, but well... I can't. Okay? I can't. He's not there for his son now, so why would he jump ship and come running back home for this one?

I promised myself after Tommy left when Zach was six months old that I wasn't going to have anything else to do with him. But then again, I always come back to him. I can't help it. This time, it got me knocked up... again. Don't get me wrong. I love my son to death. He's the greatest thing that's ever happened to me. But this baby could have come at a lot better time. Maybe five, six years in the future, I'd have been ready for the whole mom thing. But 19 wasn't the time. 21's not much better. And yet, I'm having to get ready to prepare myself for single motherhood... again.

I'm starting to show. I've been wearing baggy sweatshirts when I go out and when I have to go to the occasional premier or something, I wear black. Loose dresses... always black. But the tabloids are starting to get suspicious. Thank god Tommy's off somewhere in some foreign land... last time I heard from him, he was in Cambodia, somewhere in the mountains. He emailed me. He told me to tell Zach that he loves him and all. That was four-and-a-half months ago. I didn't tell Zach I'd heard from his Daddy. I don't want to confuse the poor kid any more than he's already confused.

Zachary Thomas Dutois is a gorgeous little boy, if I do say so myself. He's very introverted... a lot like his dad. But then again, he has little outbursts here and there when he gets upset... a lot like I do. He's got Tommy's dark hair and full lips and my big blue eyes. He's Sadie's everything. She loves him to death. When I have a concert or event to attend, she babysits him for me. Every time I come back, he's up way past his bedtime. But I love her for it. She socializes Zach, something that I can't do very often with my full schedule. At least this baby will give him someone to connect to. He needs a friend, a sibling to confide in.

Sadie says I need to confirm this pregnancy soon. But I'm just savoring having this little one tucked away inside me, safe and secure, trying to shield it from the dangers of this world... heartache, loneliness, and instability. But Sadie's right. I can't keep it hidden forever, no matter how much I want to. She, Kwest, and Zach are the only two people who know about the baby. Kwest is still in contact with Tommy, but he's sworn to secrecy. He won't tell him about the baby. He can't. Sadie's begged him to keep it hush-hush. Kwest wasn't initially supposed to know. But then again, my darling sister hasn't been able to keep anything from him. It's like he can read her mind or something. I don't get it. I wish Tommy and I were still like that.

The baby's kicking. I kind of hope this one's a girl. I've always wanted a daughter. Someone to dress up and buy Barbies for. Zach was such an easy baby. He's so quiet and withdrawn. I think it might be because he really doesn't have a father figure. I mean, he has Kwest, but Kwest isn't around constantly. He sees Sadie and Kwest every other weekend. I usually take him to work with me. Kwest is my producer and Sadie sits in the studio, holding Zach. He likes to hear me sing. I sing him to sleep every night.

If the baby's a girl, I want to name her Miley Jaye. If it's a boy, I'm thinking Zane Tyler. I think Zachary and Zane sound good together. I elected not to find out the sex of the baby, simply because I'd rather have Tommy here for that. We found out that Zach was a boy together. I'd miss him too much if I went and had that tell-tale ultrasound done without him there. When I went for the initial ultrasound, the baby has its legs closed anyways. I took that as a sign. I don't know... I miss Tommy. I'm not going to deny it.

I miss him every day. Every single day that goes by, I look at our son and see him. I see his stubbornness, his resilient facade... Zach is so much like his father it scares me. I sometimes wonder if Zach is going to end up like Tommy. Alone, having abandoned his family. I promise Zach that I will do everything in my power to see that that doesn't happen. I'll do the same for this baby. I sometimes wonder what I'd do if Tommy actually came back, seeing me pregnant with his child again. I wonder if he'd stay or if he'd turn around and walk out of our lives again. But I don't dwell on it. I can't afford to.

Love always,

xXx Jude xXx

Didn't feel like adding to any of my other stories... This is just something I'll work on occasionally, I think. I've moved since I last updated, and I don't have constant computer access. I'm at my parents' house now. I'm on Spring Break, and I don't know how long I'll be here. I might update this before I leave.

Love always!

Leanne