It was strangely cold as I rolled over and opened my bleary eyes.
'It shouldn't be cold, there should be someone here to ward it off. He must have just woke up.' I searched the room for something, looking for something. My clothes for today sat alone on the floor, next to where his should have been. There was a tightening in my chest, making breathing difficult.
'He's been up long enough to dress. But the lights are only just on, the others probably aren't awake yet.' I sat upright. The dream came back, playing on the corners of my mind.
'Something happened, something bad.' I dressed quickly, hoping I was wrong. There was a failed communication, it blinked at me as I looked up the ladder.
'It can't be what I fear, it can't.' I repeated the words silently to myself as I hurried up the rungs. Something felt wrong, even as my hands touched the cool metal and I caught a glimpse of the Core.
'If it is, I won't stand by the boards,' I promised myself. We had made that promise long ago. If anything should happen, we wouldn't watch it in code.
He lay still in the chair, a sliver of red trailing down from his lips. My heart froze and I heard my own in-drawn breath. It's always a bad sign if you can see blood from the ladder. There were three bodies on the chairs, the captain, the second and him. Our Op was typing furiously, spared me only a glance. There was nothing I could do to help at that end so I tore a section of cloth to wipe the drying blood away. Or try to, the trail had been there long enough to turn rust coloured and crunchy, like a scab only without a wound under it.
'Why was he in there? Why wasn't he out yet?' I wanted to ask aloud but I didn't want to know the truth.
'The monitors are lying, they have to be, they have to be.' I threw a pained look at Blaze, but he was busy trying to save the others. Part of the dream I can recreate the part where his lips touched mine. I hope that it's enough.
'They don't taste the same, they taste like blood, like death.' I fought back the tears and looked at the screens again.
'It can't be, it just can't be!' But it was. A flatline. There is nothing harder to watch than the stillness. Some people tried to convince me that seeing the blood come from his lips would have been worse. Back in Zion, you can punch someone in the face in grief, and I did. But on the ship, on the ship I waited over his body, tears falling down my cheeks. I hate waiting, I always have. Blaze didn't notice when I stood behind him, watching the green lines that separated us fall like rain. Cold, hard, unforgiving, unrelenting rain. I hate rain. We have to bring the others out quickly, I got the honor of removing the jacks from each of them as they opened their eyes. No one asked why one jack isn't resting in its holder. They looked over him, got the times from Blaze and they shook their heads sadly. There was nothing they could do, it was all over. I fetched the blankets, I wouldn't let anyone else do it, it was mine. He was mine, even as the rules took over. Laying it over his still body, I said my good byes. Even then I couldn't let him rest properly, I wouldn't give him the truth with others there still.
'You knew, I know you did. I hope the coppertop they found was worth your life, my love.' His name shall never again pass my lips. Nor any other member of the crews. You don't mention the dead by name once they go, it's cruel and it would be like trying to bring them back, it's not fair and it's not possible. Sleep didn't come for me as it did for the others, exhausted by the efforts inside and the grief outside. No one told me to go back to the room we shared and rest or pack his things away, they knew I'd do it in my time. I hate the quiet of the ship and looking at the blanket covered mound I could do nothing but let my tears out, and with them the song he had taught me, the one he wanted to hear when he was alive, just so he knew I cared. I regret not giving him that when he still smiled, but I don't have a nice voice. I did my best, knowing that the irony was probably in my own mind and no one else's.
"My lover's gone,
I know that kiss will be my last,
No more his song,
The tune upon his lips has passed,
I sing alone,
While I watch the ocean,
My lover's gone,
No earthly ships will ever bring him home again.
Bring him home again,
Bring him home again."
"He told me that she wanted to keep him, but you got to him first." It's Blaze, he heard me singing.
"She never loved him like I do."
"Even now he's gone?"
"There is no one else for me. And there never will be." I stood and left then, going back to my silent ways. I knew about the woman in Zion, I knew that she had been his lover first, that she had tried to keep her poddie and failed. And all because of me. Because I was a poddie too and I understood his need to fight. Because I had loved him the way a soldier loves a soldier, bright and burning and pure, but not meant to last. Never meant to last.
~*~ Fin ~*~
A/N: The words are from the second verse of Dido's "My lover's gone", on her albulm "No Angel". One of my favourites. Please let me know if you think Blaze shout have been left as the Operator rather than named, thanks :)
I want to thank all those who reviewed "Bring him home" and all those who reviewed my other short pieces. Thank you and I appreciate everything you have to say, even if I can say nothing in reply. But then again, I might be able to….