OK, so this is my first fanfic ever, I'm heartless so I don't mind harsh reviews but what I do mind is useless reviews. I want to know if my writing and structure is acceptable, if I should be more or less descriptive and on what specifically. I've put the prologue and chapter one together since they'll probably be the two shortest chapters of the fic and to put as much of my current writing style into my first fanfic as I could. I'm not entirely happy with it but here goes, I hope you like it and if you don't I hope you tell me why.
Edit: Well, I've reformatted as was suggested to me by all reviews so far, I also added rulers to sepperate chapters and important parts of chapters. I hope it's better and that the rulers aren't out of place.
Edit the second: Wow, came back after five years and I've found such a mess, doing some editing purely out of shame.
Prologue: Setting out.
Targets and dummies fell quickly and easily to Chris' heavy blade and an as he practiced in the Caelin royal army training field. The marquess had chosen him to go on a mission as important as retrieving his heir so he was training diligently. Such an important mission was something that Chris could not afford to fail in, and though he had yet to let the marquess down in his years of service he wanted to make doubly sure of his success. Each strike of his sword sent wooden splinters and glistening drops of sweat to fly into the air. After having trained hard for over and hour Chris stabbed his sword into the ground and sat down, leaning against the flat of it's blade and letting the steel cool down is body. His breathing was heavy and sweat dropped from his hair and face while running down his well built arms in small trickles.
A voice spoke from behind him, even though he had heard no footsteps. "Don't overwork yourself you bastard, I'll have no sleeping in once we're on our way to Sacae."
Chris smiled without turning around, recognizing the condescending voice. "I see you're as considerate as ever Oz, shouldn't you be poring over your tomes and maps before we leave?"
Oz made his way in front of Chris, his usual black robe on and his saffron bangs covering his eyes almost completely. "I was on my way to cut my hair when I saw you out here sweating like you wanted to irrigate the cabbage fields yourself."
Chris chuckled before answering. "Cut your hair? But you already cut it this year, it's unusual of you to cut your hair so soon again."
Oz smiled slightly at the comment before pushing his hair out of his face and replying. "I wouldn't want the Marquess' granddaughter to think I can't even afford a haircut, that impressionable young lady whom we'll be saving from an uncivilized life as a nomad is my ticket to the throne." Oz flashed a grin as he walked away and Chris tiredly waved good bye, quietly chuckling to himself.
After that short chat, Chris decided he'd spent enough time on the field, he went for breakfast and lunch,(he had a bad habit of missing meals when he was intent on training) gathered and packed his supplies, then when he was done it was time for him to have dinner. He'd be leaving early the next day, so after a quick bath Chris retired early for the day after he'd made certain he'd be ready to go.
The next morning the sun was just peeking over the horizon when Oz got out of bed, after washing his face he hurriedly changed into a dark brown robe with a pitch black cloak over it. His freshly cut bangs ended at his brows and the rest of his hair was similarly short. He grabbed his compressed tomes, he had been studying elder magic so long and so hard that he only needed very basic tomes for each spell, and put them away in predestined cloak pockets. He then strapped a heal staff onto his back and filled his pouch with 5,000 gold.
Oz left his room with only minimal light to guide him through the royal army's barracks and after a short walk he reached his destination, not hesitating to bang loudly on the door. "Hey Chris you bastard, it's time to go! If you haven't woken up yet you'd better have slept in your traveling clothes!"
A thud and quiet cursing could be heard through the door before Chris opened the door, his hair was messy and his eyes were barely open. He was already wearing his open neck, sleeveless shirt and baggy pants that reached just below his knees. "Yeah yeah, I'm dressed. Just let me wash my face and get my stuff before we go."
Oz watched his companion prepare himself with crossed arms. After washing his face Chris strapped his shield onto his back, to which his sheathed sword was attached. He hung a hand axe from his waist and put his pouch and a couple of vulneraries in his pack which he shouldered before walking out of his room and shutting the door. "OK, I'm ready to go." Not a trace of enthusiasm could be heard in Chris' voice as he spoke. "Now we just have to wait for the Marquess to wake up."
Oz patted Chris' shoulder and gestured for him to follow as he walked down the hall. "Don't worry, I got a soldier to report that we're leaving to the Marquess so that we can leave immediately." To this Chris replied equally unenthusiastically. "Wonderful."
After a bit of walking Chris and Oz got out of the building and walked to the stables. There a young man dressed in Cavalier's armor greeted Oz. "Your horse is ready sir, any message you want me to give the Marquess?"
Oz took out 500 gold from his pouch and dropped it into the Cavalier's hand. "Thanks Sain, nah just tell him we're leaving."
Oz and Chris mounted their horses and started out of the stable. Once they were out of the stable and on their way North-East toward Sacae Chris spoke. "So you bribed the guy, I knew no one would be willing to wake up this early just to be helpful."
Oz chuckled at Chris' comment. "Of course, I can only rely on myself and the gold in my own pouch." As the two Caelin soldiers got rode toward Sacae they they had no idea of the hardships and effort that that would be necessary to bring the heir of Caelin to the throne.
Chapter 1: A Girl From The Plains
Oz was annoyed, tired and hungry. It had been hours since they had left their last camp and they seemed to be lost on the never-ending plains of Sacae. "Are you sure we went the right way you thick-headed bastard?"
Chris was just as tired and hungry but kept calm. "I think we're on track but we should have gotten there about an hour ago."
Oz glared at Chris, baring his teeth in a grimace. "Idiot! You must have made a mistake at some point!"
Chris shook his head and sighed. "Then why don't you take charge of the directions from now on, o human compass?"
The sudden suggestion was something of a surprise to Oz, but he masked and quickly responded. "I would if we weren't hopelessly off track due to your navigation, all we can do is search the plains for the time being."
Oz yawned and put his hand up to get the afternoon sun out of his eyes, as soon as he did he noticed the smoke. "Over there! Smoke, and it doesn't look like it's from a cooking fire!" Oz forced his horse into a gallop and turned it toward the distant column of smoke, hurriedly Chris made his own mount follow. As they got closer to the source the smoke became more noticeable, they could see the fire and hear both screams and battle cries. The sights and sounds of a raid had Chris getting his shield and sword ready while Oz was already reaching for a tome. Once they had reached the village they saw bandits slaughtering and robbing, the few Sacaen warriors were being overpowered while those who couldn't fight were slaughtered without mercy.
Once he had gotten close enough Chris turned his horse sharply to the left and jumped at one of the bandits, as he flew through the air he drew his blade and stabbed it through the bandit's chest when he came down, he immediately pulled the sword out and ran to the next bandit whom he nearly split in two with one swing of his sword. Meanwhile Oz had gotten off his horse and was moving through the camp, fending off bandits with repeated castings of Flux. Eventually he found what he was looking for. His clothes obviously made him the chief of the tribe and a young woman fitting the description of the marquess' granddaughter was fighting alongside him.
Quickly, Oz pulled the staff on his back and raising it skyward healed each of the Lorcan fighters he had come for. Oz switched back to his Flux tome as he hurried up to the Chief. "My name is Oz and I'm a soldier of the Calean royal army! I've been sent by the Marquess to retrieve Lady Madelyn and Lady Lyndis and take them to Caelin!" As Oz explained himself to the Chief he was able to keep the bandits at a distance with his spells.
The Chief was obviously surprised at Oz's self-explanation but continued to fight just as effectively, swift strokes of his sword brought down several bandits at once. "I am Hassar, chief of the Lorca tribe! We can talk after we've survived this raid, take my daughter away from here, there's too much fighting in this area and I'm certain the bandits want my head! Protect her until the bandits have been forced into a retreat!" Hassar nodded from the young woman who was fighting near him to Oz, she nodded back at Hassar and followed Oz as they fought through the horde of bandits to reach Chris.
Chris had been fighting hard the entire time, his clothes stained with sweat and blood and his sword bearing a few new notches. He had just cracked into a bandits skull with his sword's pommel when Oz and Hassar's daughter approached. "Who's this? She isn't the Marquess' grandaughter is she?" Hassar's daughter spoke up just after cutting open a Bandit's throat. "My name is Lyndis, I am the daughter of Hassar, chief of the Lorca tribe."
Ignoring Lyn's self-introduction Oz nodded, confirming that she was in fact the Marquess' granddaughter. Noticing Oz's nod Lyn was surprised but didn't have time to comment because she was forced to fend of another incoming bandit. After fighting for sometime the bandits retreated, looking around Lyn and the Caelin soldiers noticed that very few were left standing. Without a word Lyn rushed to the place where she had last seen her father, Oz and Chris followed some distance behind in case there were any bandits still in the area.
As Lyn reached the spot she had left her father she found his body, which was missing and arm and bore a chest wound large enough for his heart to have been torn out, Lyn fell to her knees once she was beside the fallen chief. She covered her face as she sobbed and hiccuped while Oz and Chris, unsure of what to do, stood away from Lyn and simply watched with somber eyes. They knew neither Lyn nor Hassar so they had no condolences or words of solace to offer, they merely allowed Lyn to mourn her father on her own.
The other tribe members were mourning dead, tending to their wounds or attempting to repair the damage done by the raid. Lyndis continued to weep in front of her father's corpse, the bodies of both bandits and Sacaens littering the battlefield and blood turning the ground into red mud while tainting the air with its smell.
After what seemed to Oz like an hour of weeping, sobbing and hiccuping she stood, wiping tears from her eyes and walked to Oz and Chris, her head hung down in sorrow. "My mother was killed earlier during the raid, my father is now dead, my tribe is in ruins . . . You said you came to retrieve me and that I was the granddaughter of the Marquess Caelin. Is this true?"
Oz nodded slowly. "Your mother, Lady Madelyn, ran away to Sacae and left the Marquess Caelin heir-less. Only recently the Marquess received word of your existence and sent us to retrieve you and your mother. The Marquess is terribly ill and all he wants now is to see his daughter and granddaughter."
Lyndis stood in silence for minutes before lifting her head, a look of determination attempting to hide her remaining sorrow. "I want to see him, I have nothing left and I'd like to meet my grandfather."
Oz nodded once again and turned toward the direction in which he and Chris had left their horses. "Gather whatever you require and find a horse. We will leave as soon as you are able." Oz began walking away, Chris stayed put and watched him leave for a moment before nodding to Lyn and walking after him.