Nixiesocean: A little drabble on an AU Snow White. This one has spunk!

Almost-But-Not-Quite Fairest of Them All

Being awoken after some time in a tomb isn't very pleasant. For one, you smell! Another? Your hair is greasy. And another, just so you get the hint, the air is really, really, really stale.

So, as the story goes, a prince stays at the home of my seven dwarves and then finds me, almost dead (that border-line practically-but-not-quite dead type, c'mon, you all have been there!) and kisses me?

Seriously folks, kisses me? Who'd kiss a practically-but-not-quite dead girl with greasy hair and smells? Not to mention the stale air.

Anyways, this prince comes by and kisses me. (Or so the tale goes). And I wake up to him hugging me (riiiight). And he takes me off, marries me and we live happily ever after.

Yeah. Right.

His (very unpleasant) kiss dislodged the foul tasting apple from my throat. I woke up (since I was only suffering from a little lack of air) and see this prince looking all starry-eyed at me.

Creepy.

I shove him away.

Seriously, wouldn't you if you woke up and you had this terrible taste on your lips with a person hanging over you looking all weird?

Anyways, I shoved him away. His pride is hurt.

Aww… poor baby. Get a bandage for it, buck-o.

I get off my stone table and stand on wobbly feet.

"Oh, beautiful maiden," He says, "Wilt thou accept mine hand as thine?"

And I'm like, "Um, whoever you are, I'm just waking up. Sorry to ruin your fairytale, but I need to go clean the dwarves' cottage."

He is dumbstruck by my plain speech. "But, gorgeous damsel, art thou the one of the forest? The one the dwarves spoke of in mourning?"

I shrug. "Maybe." He is begging at my feet right about now.

Stupid princes. Always thinking their good looks and charms will get them a lady.

Men!

"Goddess divine!" He pleads, "Why art thou so discourteous?"

I laugh. "Discourteous?" I say. "I wasn't the one to kiss an unconscious person and attempt to make them their wife with sweet words."

He stands. "I will leave thou."

I raise an eyebrow and cross my arms. "My dear prince of Wherever, I don't care if you go jump off a cliff and drown. You are a despicable man and I wish you would leave my sight."

Mother always said never to be afraid of speaking my mind.

"Fare thee well, maiden of the woods." He says with a sigh. "I shall marry."

"Anyone with two pence worth of sense would stay two miles from your vicinity." I replied acidly.

He narrows his eyes. "Maid, I have done you no wrong. Why do treat me thus?"

I cock my head. "Because, prince, you decided to come over and kiss me. Seriously, don't I smell or something?"

He didn't laugh, though I could hear him laughing. "The mirror of your step-mother's lies. It claimed you were the fairest in the whole kingdom."

I laughed. "I didn't ask to be called the fairest."

"And yet you were. Fair thee well, Fairest, I dearly hope you find a husband."

I turned my back.

He adds another, "You will need it to calm your tongue."

Furious with this conceited prince, I turned to tell him off.

Already, he's gone.

I yell off into the distance, scattering the birds.

"Well, Prince, I hope you find yourself a wife! You'll need to placate your want of sweet words!"

See? Didn't I tell you? It's the oddest thing to wake up and see this person hanging over you looking all funny and like he's in love.

In any case, I went back to thee dwarves' cottage. The dumb princes from other countries stayed far away from the cottage. I heard later that after that encounter, the queen's mirror broke from heartache.

How does a mirror break from heartache?

It had, in fact, lied.

Apparently to get me a husband because it knew I wasn't the fairest of them all.

Please, my dear readers, review! Don't think because it's a one-shot that you don't have to review! I want feedback!