Feelings of Love
Aurora was looking silently at Mulan while the warrior was preparing their food by the fire –a pair of deep blue eyes piercing the dark. The night wasn't as cold as the previous days and the woods were full of noises. Aurora enjoyed the peacefulness of the environment around her because it was easier to hear her thoughts and find a balance within herself. She closed her eyes and breathed deeply filling her lungs with the chilling night air. She exhaled slowly forming an O shape with her lips. Mulan had her back turned to Aurora and she was too concentrated on her task to notice Aurora's meditation techniques. The princess felt glad she had her privacy. She was saving herself from hours of teasing from Mulan's side!
She smelled the air and she could recognise hundreds of different flower smells. Her lips formed a thin smile – the smile of a dreamer. Life was such a beauty that even in its most dark hours it smelled of heaven –the place where all human souls belonged and travelled to and where feelings like hate, fear or pain were non-existent and instead, were far-distant memories of the miserable, mortal human world. But as miserable the human world seemed to be that gracious and glorious it was! Aurora thought. The human world was full of possibilities, choices, experiences and the array of feelings was just overwhelming! Love, happiness, enthusiasm, excitement, fear, sadness, melancholy, jealousy and revenge. Positive and negative feelings that were necessary to make a human feel complete and alive.
Aurora felt excitement in the prospect of bringing back Philip's life but fear in the same time because she knew things would be different between them. She felt happy because she was alive –the sleeping curse a terrible memory starting to fade away - but she also felt sad because she had lost everything she held dear in her heart. Finally, she felt love but she wasn't sure about the reason. Love was the most beautiful feeling of them all! A warmth that was emanating from where her biological heart was, spreading around her body, flooding her mind and her thoughts. The smile on her sweet, young, calm face grew bigger. She kept breathing in deeply and exhaling slowly. The feeling of love. A memory flashed vividly in front of her closed eyes. The dedicated and friendly face of Mulan. A dark cave where the ceiling was dropping water due to the high moisture and the smell of dump earth could almost make you feel sick. A bright red, frozen heart rested with trust in the gloved hands of the warrior. And, then, the sudden feeling of revival, of life rushing through every single cell of her body. The opening of her eyes, the sight of a beautiful smiley face, the feeling of being reborn.
Aurora opened her eyes abruptly, her memory vanishing in the air. She called the warrior's name. Mulan, alarmed, turned and faced her, her right hand ready to draw her hunting knife. Aurora smiled reassuringly at her companion and waved her hand towards herself. Mulan left the fire place and the almost cooked rabbit and walked to the princess.
"Is anything wrong?" she asked her princess, still worried. Aurora shook her head negatively and patted the ground next to her with her left hand.
"I want to talk to you about something." She finally said and formed half a smile. Mulan calmed down and sat curious next to her friend.
Aurora hesitated a few seconds before start talking.
"There is a subject we haven't dared to touch since…since you gave me back my heart and Snow and Emma left for their land."
Mulan's dark eyes formed a thin line as they half closed out of curiosity. She searched for the meaning of Aurora's words into her deep blue eyes but what she found there was hesitation, self-doubt and….what was that? A hint of love..? Did she really saw love lurking in the princess' eyes?
"I was afraid myself to bring this subject up but I can't keep it inside me anymore because it drives me crazy…" Aurora's sweet and calm voice broke Mulan's thinking.
"The heart…How did you put it back?" she finally asked bluntly. Mulan froze to her place. She straightened her back and shifted her gaze anxiously away from the princess. She remained silent for a few seconds.
She couldn't answer because she didn't have the answer. Day and night since that event she was wondering the same, incapable of finding a respectable answer to calm her thoughts. The one that she was always coming across after hours of thinking was not for a woman and especially not for an honourable warrior like herself.
"I guess it was magic but I don't know how it happened, princess." Mulan responded bluntly. Aurora didn't answer immediately. She was staring at the warrior as if she was trying to see whether Mulan was telling the truth.
"What you did that day was very brave and I will be grateful to you till the end of my days…but I never believed I would have my heart back. I was ready to carry it around in my pocket but the thought of having it back…no, I didn't even dare to think about that." Her voice broke into silence. She had already said much more than she had planned but she wouldn't stop. It was the heart instead of the brain that was directing the lips to form the words.
"I swore to protect you with my life and that is what I was doing that day. I…I couldn't bear the thought of you without your heart. That is your power Aurora, that is what defines you and what makes you strong. I grew to admire you, everyday more and more, as you were struggling to survive in this hostile world with your brain and your heart as your only weapons. I swear, you are stronger than me and there are days were you were the only reason I kept going and fighting. I wouldn't bear it if you didn't have your heart…"Mulan finished her thoughts and looked at Aurora straight in the eyes. The princess was looking vulnerable but determined in the same time.
"Every night…" Aurora started but stopped herself. A chirping sound was coming from the bushes near them. Crickets. Aurora thought bitterly. They say they bring luck…After a long pause she carried on.
"Every night since that day, whenever you leave my side I wake up as if my body is bonded to yours and can't bear a second away from it. Every time I wake up, I have this weird feeling in my chest as if my heart aches; as if it silently cries for your absence or even worse…sometimes I just feel like I have no heart at all when you are away…"
Mulan looked at her speechless.
"Do you think it has to do with me putting your heart back?" she finally asked.
"No…I think it has to do with the reason you were able to put it back in the first place." Aurora responded and Mulan felt the gates of her mind crashing down and all the forbidden thoughts rushing through her head freely, roaring, ready to come out. Hesitantly, Mulan shifted her body closer to Aurora, their faces almost touching. Mulan could see the light of the fire burning into the crystal blue eyes of her princess – eyes that were looking feverishly at her; eyes that belonged to a predator; eyes that were piercing her thoughts and striping down her inner self. Mulan felt naked under these eyes and instantly shifted her gaze away.
"What are you afraid of?" Aurora asked softly taking in her hands those of the warrior's. Mulan looked back at her with a painful expression.
"Of the truth…" she responded with a hoarse voice.
"Can a truth be so dangerous as to fear it?" Aurora said with the same calm voice.
"Danger does not scare me but shame does."
Aurora put her right hand underneath Mulan's chin and lifted it up.
"Look at me in the eyes and tell me what shame is there in love?" she demanded, this time not softly. Mulan felt all the muscles in her body paralysing. As much as she wanted to look into the princess' eyes ,she couldn't. How did she figure it out? When was she so careless as to let her guard down and let Aurora read into her feelings?
"Don't think I'm stupid, Mulan. I may not know many things about magic but at least I have one basic knowledge and that is in order to undo any magical spell you need true love." Aurora carried on, her hand cupping the warrior's right side of her face now. Mulan fought hard to keep her mind concentrated from the princess' warm touch in her bare skin.
"It was my dedication to the vow I've given." Mulan responded harshly.
"Mulan, I know love when I see it…" Aurora persisted slowly. Mulan broke free of Aurora's touch and turned her head to the side and gazed into the still darkness, her lips pressed angrily together. These shameful thoughts were back again, tormenting her mind and her consciousness.
"Stop fighting yourself; it comes to no good…" Aurora made a second attempt to touch Mulan's face but the later broke free again.
"What do you know about my fights?" Mulan snapped at Aurora. The later felt suddenly like a small child. Embarrassed and hurt she took her hand back and bit at her lips apologetically.
Mulan felt awful about her abrupt reaction. Aurora was trying to understand and she was pushing her away instead. But, what exactly Aurora was trying to understand? Her love? There was no such a thing between two women! A love between two sisters or two friends was possible, yes, but what she was feeling was more than friendship, it was true love, it was lust. An overwhelming desire to caress Aurora's bare skin with the tips of her fingers, brush her lips against hers, taste her unique scent, feel her whole as she did when she put her heart back. Embarrassed and annoyed, Mulan got up and distanced herself from Aurora.
"During my upbringing I was taught how to be loyal, how to respect my family and my ancestors and how to develop moral and ethical values. Religion was the main part of our lives and the integrity of our family was the most important thing. You see, my parents were all about the image we would show to the others and the impression these people may have for ourselves. But it wasn't only my family that was like this…it was the whole society I grew up in. I wasn't allowed to deceive my family in front of the others. I had to show perfection in order to honour my family and to do so I needed to have no weaknesses. Love was weakness, princess, and I couldn't afford it. I loved once, but I never gave in because I would dishonour my family and my name. I kept it safely inside me until it died down. That's the way I grew up. Always honour my name and that of my family and my ancestors. I took an oath to prince Philip to protect you with my life and I will honour this agreement at any stake. That is why, princess, I can't have feelings for you…I can't let myself to love you because if I do, I will betray Philip and I will dishonour my name." Mulan finished with a hard expression on her face.
It was the first time Aurora heard about the warrior's past. Herself, didn't grow up in much of a different society, but being raised as a princess, all the pretending felt natural to her. It wasn't until she met Mulan that she came to realise that the life she had grown in was just a big lie, a big lie of always calculated gestures and words, where matters of the heart were forbidden. Aurora approached the warrior slowly.
"I was raised with the same values as you did. I was a princess and my destiny was to become queen of my people beside my prince and one true love, Philip. I grew up playing with dolls and wearing nice, colourful, little dresses made out by silk, satin or wool. I used to eat in gold plates and drink water from crystal glasses. I never questioned my life and the way I was living it. I never desired to experience the real world outside the protective walls of my castle - I had thousand of books at a hand's reach. I never read stories about dragons and witches because I was afraid of them. I loved history books and fairy tales. My heart was kept pure as I had never seen a man die in front of my eyes. I was a blind fool, Mulan, that's who I was. You may argue that I was brave enough when I sacrificed myself for the good of my family and my people and I will not contradict it. But I was naïve and ignorant back then. Now, I come to believe that the curse that trapped me into this sleeping nightmare was my real awakening. When Philip broke the curse, I felt as if I was reborn to a new world where everything I knew was forever lost into ashes. I woke up into a land devastated by a dark curse, where women could hold swords, evil creatures were sucking human lives away, strange human beings were transported from other worlds through portals, ogres had taken over the forests, evil witches were shape-shifting into brave knights and wooden wardrobes were used as magical portals. This is my reality now, and I'm not this naïve, innocent girl with the pure heart I used to be. I'm not even sure I can still call myself a princess…But I'm proud of who I am because I've experienced life in a way I never did and most of it I owe it to you…"
Mulan lifted her head when she heard the last sentence. Her eyes were no longer dark but they glowed with anticipation.
"This is my present and you…you are the best part of it…"
Mulan came a step closer to Aurora. Her heart was racing like the river after a rainstorm. Her thoughts were racing in a speed that made her feel dizzy. Her lips still pressed tightly together, her gaze trying to find refuge in the deep blue of Aurora's eyes. Blue like the sea…, Mulan thought. Her eyes lingered on Aurora's sweet and red as cherries lips. Desire crept in her body shaking her legs. She held her breath. The tip of her fingers searched unconsciously for Aurora's body but just before touching her, she held back.
The night fell suddenly silent around the two women. Even the chirping sound coming from the crickets had stopped. Mulan could almost feel the tension growing between them. She swallowed hard. The realisation of what was happening hit her suddenly in the head. She felt afraid - a strong desire to run away. Instead, her hands found themselves into those of the princess. She was trembling like a leaf in the cold, strong wind. In the contrary, Aurora's grip was firm and steady.
"My heart beats along with yours. My body is seeking for the warmth of yours. My tormented soul finds peace beside yours." Aurora whispered – her voice striped down from any uncertainty, fear or doubt. Their fingers intertwined together. Their faces came closer - their foreheads touching gently.
"I love you…" Aurora whispered and she smiled – a shy smile that lit up her young face.
"I love you…" Mulan said and her lips formed a big smile. She giggled as a big burden had been lifted from her heart.
"I love you, princess!" she said again, this time with a voice full of excitement. It was Aurora's turn to giggle.
Their lips searched anxiously for each other as if they wanted to dance along the excitement of the heart. At first, they touched hesitantly as if they were afraid of their partner. Then, they made their first steps. Back and forth. To the side and in front again. Then back. Then in front. Slow steps of two novices that went faster and faster as confidence and trust grew stronger between them.
Mulan's mind went blank as passion took over and guided every movement of hers. She buried her fingers deeply into the curly, brown hair of her companion and pressed hard Aurora's head to hers as she deepened the kiss. A soft groan escaped from Aurora's lips, as an agreement to this invitation. After a long moment, Mulan brushed with her tongue Aurora's white teeth and the upper soft lip before breaking the kiss. The two women stared deeply at each other silently. There was nothing more to say that their lips didn't tell while kissing. They smiled happily at each other.
"I love you." They said simultaneously and burst into laughs.
They looked happy. They were happy. The night would be long but for the first time warm. They weren't hungry for food anymore. They were hungry for love.