Live, Love, Numb
Reality is irrelevant, because in reality you feel things. Pain, hunger, hurt, anger, love, happiness, fear. When you block reality these feelings aren't necessary, but you know them because you watch others decipher them. This gives you opportunity to help others but ignore and/or not feel these for yourself. It's a practiced art, and one that needs constant attention. To begin this forbidden act you need a passion, one thing that you can use to help detach, you also need friends that you never truly consider 'friends'. That may sounds odd, but it is highly important. Next you need to learn how to fake content and happiness, this way you don't worry your friends so much they find out.
In the beginning you must focus on one thing at a time, learn to visualize something pertaining to your passion and it should be relatively easy to detach. From there you have to learn fake emotions. Sympathy. That's probably the easiest. Start with a friend, someone lost in insecurity more than yourself, build a trust until the weakness shows. Once that happens it gets much easier, you ignore your feelings much more sufficiently when people around you are broken. Afterwards people come to you with their burdens, it's important to have many friends with many problems to ensure your new status.
If and when—and this probably will happen because you're so pathetic—your girlfriend stops her blatant cheat to dump you for a female lawyer (or man for man, if you're a woman), when she needs your help after she fired you as her production manager, help no matter what the feeling.
When your 'best friend' druggie finds he's HIV positive through his dead girlfriends suicide note, help him get clean no matter how often he sobs in the night, throws up on your clothes, or gets violent. Ignore pain and hurt, remember that these feelings are irrelevant and continue.
When your philosopher friend gets a teaching gig at MIT, strike up that fake happiness and drown your pain in the alcohol that's sure to follow.
When your friend and ex-roommate betrays and lies to you, calm down your other friends and scrape up the money for the rent, even if it means selling your soul to the devil.
When the cross dressing boyfriend of your philosopher friend discovers what you're doing to yourself, deny with a false laugh and walk away no matter how much it hurts. You don't feel, remember?
When your ex-girlfriend fights with the female lawyer on their engagement party, be the one to console and encourage both. And don't feel hope. She won't take you back because you're lonely.
When your ex-druggie best friend meets, dates, and breaks up with the druggie stripper you told him to go for, console but don't hope. He won't take you period, no matter how much you love him.
When the cross dresser dies let yourself realize you're too numb inside to even let out a dry sob, deep down your insecurities will start to show themselves.
When your ex-druggie best friend who you secretly love leaves for Santa Fe, try to convince him to stay without your feelings come out. Deny when he says you detach. Watch as his ex-girlfriend druggie stripper says goodbye. Offer her rehab despite the slowly growing hate. You don't feel. Don't breathe too deep.
Don't cry when he comes home. Act sad and help search when stripper-girl goes missing. Don't breath.
Act relieved when Stripper-Girl doesn't die on Christmas Eve, console the best friend you love when she does die three months later. Act happy that the ex-girlfriend is back together with the lawyer.
And when you break down months later, when you feel--
"Love, you comin'?" Roger called from the doorway, smiling at Mark bent over a notebook.
"Yeah.." Mark glances down, scrawling one last line before ripping the page out, shoving it into his pocket, and grabbing his jacket. He planted a kiss on Roger's cheek. "Let's go."
"What were you writing?" He snakes an arm around Mark's waist, leading him out of the loft.
Mark smiles faintly. "Nothing I want to remember."
Sometimes it's best to feel.
~The End~