Different Than You Think

You would think, acting how.. normally... I act, well, normal for a psychopath, that I was enjoying everything about my life and everything I do in life.

You would think that having a girl by my side who would do anything for me I would be happy.

You'd think that I'd enjoy everything I do, seeing the explosions, the blood splattering everywhere, and hearing the people's cries.

Most of what you think is completely wrong.

Yes I do enjoy what I do, to some extent, but I go over the top too much all for one reason. I like having Harley, a great friend, but she wants something I can't give.

Let's start with the day I met Him. I was normal for a thief. I went in with a few other guys to rob a restaurant. Well, it started out fine, everyone laid on the ground while we threatened them for their money. It was going really well until He came. He was there to stop the robbery. Well, he was beating us around, and most of my comrades were down, he punched me and I fell back, but when I went to reach for my gun, for protection against him, he picked me up and threw me. Well, that is how my face got messed up. I ended up hitting the fryer baskets which threw burning hot oil onto me. I knew that if he captured me and took me to the cops I would never be free. And I knew if I went into the hospital, the story would come out that I was a robber and a thief, so I could not go there. It took all of my energy, but I snuck out the back door and into the streets. I found myself a dumpster to hide by and I waited until the cops came and left. I used the water from a puddle to rinse my face. It burned so badly, but there was no where I could go to get it fixed. I went to a friend, another robber, who had a little bit of medicine for my face. It was going to scar badly, and I knew I would never look the same.

I couldn't stop thinking about him. The one who did this to me. I was not angry at him, he was just trying to protect the people of Gotham and I understand that's his thing in life. Well, not having a thing in life for myself, I went into robbery like many others.
I found out some information on him, why he did what he did, who he was behind the mask. It really wasn't that hard to find out if you know the right people.

He was amazing. What he did for what he thought was the right cause. He did wonderful things for the city. I followed what he did while my face healed up, and honestly, I fell in love. Who couldn't love someone who did so much and looked so good?

Well, I was stuck. I was in love with a man I could never be with. He was so good, would never kill, hated thieves and robbers, and he was a billionare. I on the other hand, had nothing going for me in life and couldn't get a job so I turned to becoming a criminal. My face was now ruined, and would never be able to be seen next to a man with the face of God. He probably wouldn't go that way anyway if we weren't so different, and even if he did go that way it's probably only with his ward. It's not like they are really related you know.

I pondered what to do next while I stayed with my friend, finding food out of dumpsters because when it comes to robbers, what's mine is mine and what's yours is yours. I hadn't been out to steal anything so he kept what he got for himself. It was nice enough of him to share his living space.

I had been thinking about it and decided I needed to become a super criminal, because if you are going to do something anyway why not do it to a super degree? I had always been interested in clowns; it is amazing to me that something that is meant to be nice and friendly is so scary to so many people. I decided it would fit best that I would be nice on the inside and scary on the outside and that is when I took up the mantle of the Joker.

I knew a guy who was a tattoo artist. It would be easiest to just cover my face in a tattoo instead of stealing makeup to use every day. He gave me my new face. I was the Joker. My favorite color was green, so I decided that would be my color. I even dyed my hair!

I needed a gang, so I rounded up some friends and told them they would be paid greatly after every robbery and crime. I had to set up a plan. I wanted this so badly. I could have some fun creating mayhem, and then have some fun getting caught by Him. And then, if and when he actually caught me, I would escape jail and do it all over again.

I needed to become his focus, so to do that I needed to set up massive crimes. My first ever crime as the Joker had to be so great that no one could forget who I am.

I needed to try to destroy Gotham.

First, I had been thinking of setting some fires, getting people riled up. Maybe a fire at the zoo, let the poor captured animals escape, and distract the cops from anything else going on in Gotham. Then my men will rob 3 banks at once, while I will have someone held captive, at the restaurant we first met at, and if he tries to stop any of the crimes I will kill the hostage.

Now, I am thinking he will come after me first, and then my men can keep the money they steal as payment if I go to jail.

I've not yet killed someone, but I know if it's to get His attention, I can and I will.

My men agreed to the plan. I have around 20 men, so 5 at each bank and a few at the zoo. Just me at the restaurant. Anywhere you go in swinging a gun though, they will stop and pay attention, it's not like you really need back up. So I took an older woman hostage. She was elderly, so if I did need to kill her it's not like she has children who need taken care of.

I was even nice enough to send a letter to the police. They'd get the message out and He would be on his way.

Now that I'm sitting here a while, I have time to think. Should I introduce myself? Let him know he hurt me? Let him know he made me who I am?

It took about half an hour; it seemed like forever, for him to show up.

"Joker," he said.

"Bats, you know who I am then?" Bats seemed like a good pet name for him.

"I had heard from some thugs that you were planning something and I got a little background information about you."

"All good things I hope?"

"Just that you were a common robber who went insane and wanted to plan something bigger than normal."

"Ah that's it? Well, there's a lot you missed out on, but it's not that important to you, so let's just get on with this show. My men will let me know when they are done, and then the hostage will be released. If you try to stop them or take the hostage away, she will get shot." The hostage was playing her part well. Trying to be quiet but you could tell she was nervous and she whimpered when I mentioned shooting her.

"That's not gunna happen Joker," He jumped up grabbed my arm and released the hostage from my grip. With my other hand I tried to shoot her but he knocked the gun down and the bullet ended up grazing my leg.

I gasped from the pain, but laughed with happiness, because he was touching my arm. Really touching me. It was a feeling like none other. I tried to fight back, but I had trouble standing due to the wound. It wasn't really deep, but hurt enough to affect my movement. I ended up tackling him into an embrace, making it seem like I would pull a knife behind his back, even though I just wanted the embrace. He eventually got me down though and put me in handcuffs.

When he handed me to the police I said, "Until next time Bats."

And he just grappled away.

After that, I escaped both jail and heavily guarded prison multiple times. I finally made my first kill, and killed many after that. I had stolen thousands and created mayhem throughout all of Gotham. Everyone knew my name. He would sometimes visit the prison while he was bringing in someone new, so I saw him then too.

I thrived on his touch, even if it was violent. I longed to hear his voice. But I could fool myself, the Joker, no longer. The man who is supposed to fool could no longer fool himself. I need to end this charade.

I've tried to have Bats unmasked, tried to harm him, and tried so many other things that would make him fall from grace, so he would be scarred, just like me, so we would be on the same level, instead of an ugly scarred criminal vs. a god dressed as a bat. It's been going on for years, other mass criminals have come and gone, I'm good enough to have survived this long. I could go on surviving longer, but I don't see the point anymore. I can't be with him and yes, I love the times I see him, but the thrill of that is gone. It would need to become everything it can't for me to have joy in my life again, and because it can't I don't see a point in going on. No one has suspected anything this whole time. Harley believes I love her; she has become a good cover up for the truth. My men, Bats and all of Gotham simply think I am just a psychopathic murderer. Which… I am, but there is more to me than that.

I need to go. I need to end this. I have to tell him, and then I could never face him again, so it's going to be him or me, and I cannot do harm to him, I already do enough. I've never really harmed him physically. Mentally, I've harmed him a lot. I can't fix any of it.

Well, here it goes. I've told Harley I'm going on vacation. She wanted to go with of course, but I told her I need a break from everything in Gotham. She will get the hint when I never come back. She is in charge of my crime business now.

I've written a letter for her to give to Bats. She won't read it, I know her enough for that. It will tell the truth and by the time he reads it I will be gone.

I head off to the restaurant we met in, it has been closed down for a few years, so no one will think to look there and no one will interfere.

I have never tied a noose, but I've seen how. I hope I don't mess it up.

"Goodbye, Bats."

I stand on the chair, put the hoop around my neck and jump. It seems I did it wrong, like everything else in life, because I am not yet dead. Just hanging here, but everything is getting dark, and it is getting harder to breathe. I see a shadow and I feel like I am being lifted away. I guess this is what it feels likes to die. Then everything goes blank.