Hey guys. Just a little story I wrote about Jacksepticeye and Markiplier. Trigger Warning: Self Harm, Mentions of Suicide, Suicidal thoughts/attempts. It's kinda dark so if ur not cool with that just don't read.
Chapter 1: So You Noticed
I cried out when the razor slid into my arm, not even sure if it was from the pain or the relief. Just another scar to add to the collection right? I grabbed the towel off the counter and pressed it to my forearm. Once the bleeding stopped I put a bandage on it and pulled the sleeve of my hoodie down. I was supposed to be heading out to meet Mark and Wade at Olive Garden. We were going to discuss collabing again. I looked at my clock and realized I was 10 minutes late. I hurried out the door and down to the restaurant where Mark and Wade were sitting at a booth, deep in discussion.
"Hey Jack! You made it." Mark patted the bench next to him and I plastered on my fake smile, and sat down. "Where you been?" He asked me while eating another breadstick. "Sorry. Had some last minute chores around the house." I shrugged. He eyed me for a couple seconds, but eventually turned away.
~LE TIME SKIP~
I sat, staring out the passenger window of Mark's car, as he drove me home. Once we arrived at my apartment door, him having said nothing the whole way, I unlocked it and stepped inside. He followed me in, per our usual routine, and grabbed two sodas from the fridge. I reached to grab mine from him but he pulled his hand away. Before I could react- "Ok. I know something's wrong. You've been acting weird all month. And I really need you to tell me." He blurted out. I stared at him for a minute, completely lost for words. "So… You noticed." He just nodded.
"Look. It's nothing serious, I swear. I'm just tired." I shrugged. He glared at me. I sighed. He walked to the bathroom, and I realized I had left the razor on the counter. I chased after him. "Mark wait!" He came out quietly. He didn't say anything. He just held up the razor and looked at me sadly. "You don't shave." I started to speak but stopped. There was nothing to say. "Mark I-"
"Jack… Tell me this isn't what I think it is." I sighed. "I can't do that." I heard his breath hitch, then balance again. "Show me your arm." It was barely a whisper. I backed up a step, starting to feel a little panicked. He looked up at me, and confusion and concern creased his features. "Jack? Calm down buddy." I wanted to. But I was so afraid of him seeing, I was hyperventilating. I felt like there's a band around my chest, getting tighter every second.
He put his hands up and crouched till he was lower than me, like I was a wild animal. It was oddly comforting. "Jack? It's ok. I'm not gonna hurt you, I just wanna help." My breathing slowed slightly. He took a tentative step forward. I nodded. He slowly walked over to me. I didn't realize till now, there were hot tears stinging my cheeks as the fell down my face. Once I had calmed completely, he asked again. "Jack? Can I please see your arm?" I bit my lip and nodded. I rolled up my left sleeve to my elbow, and though he tried not to, his chocolate eyes widened as they searched up and down my arm.
"Jack." He sighed. I started to cry again. "Can you tell me what happened?" He asked in a gentle voice. I nodded. We walked to the other room and sat on the couch. "I'm not really entirely sure… exactly what happened. I was just on a trip back home with my mom. Then I just kinda started to feel a bit down. By the time I got back to my normal life I thought I'd feel better. I was wrong. I started to feel a terrible pain. An emotional pain. And it grew and grew every day. Eventually it was too much for me. I sat on my bed and sobbed until I physically couldn't any more. That's when I started- you know. Either way… It all sort went down hill. I started cutting more and more frequently, because the emotional pain didn't matter when I did it. Then it's really been the same since." I shrugged again.
Mark was watching me with concern all over his face. "But you don't know why you're so depressed?" I shook my head. "No. And that makes it worse. Because then it scares me. Mark…" He nodded for me to continue. "I- sometimes I wish I was even more depressed so I'd have a reason to kill myself. Because people out there have it worse than me and they pull through. And I have no reason. Which makes me feel weak, which makes me more depressed. I'm stuck in an endless cycle. I just wanna die, all the time and… Mark I'm so scared." You sob again. He moves closer and hugs you, rubbing circles on your back.
"Your ok. But do you really think that?" I nodded. "And you're not weak. Depression doesn't always have to have a reason. Sometimes it just happens." I turned and look at him. "I guess so." We stand and he walks to the door. "You okay for now?" I shake my head. "Do you want me to stay on couch?" I nod, feeling childish. He gives me a warm smile, and goes to get his things.
~Skippity Skippy of Time~
It's a nightmare. I know it. But for some reason, it's still terrifying. I dream that I posted a video telling my fans I need a break from YouTube. And in the dream, they all turn on me and leave horrible comments. Then I hear a voice in the dream yelling. "Jack! Jack, wake up!" Then my eyes snap open. The first thing I'm aware of is I'm screaming, and sweating. The second thing I'm aware of is that Mark is standing next to me, with his hand on my shoulder. "Are you ok?" He asked. I shake my head no, and fall back against the bed, breathing heavily and ragged. He pulls up a chair and sits next to my bed. "Wanna tell me about it?"
I shrug. I told him about my dream, and he rubbed my shoulder the whole time. "You're okay. Just a dream right?" I nod. He pats my shoulder and walks into the other room. I toss and turn for the rest of the night, slipping in and out of consciousness. When my alarm goes off, I'm tired as hell, and I smell… bacon? I rolled out of bed and clamber into the kitchen, where Mark is sitting making bacon. "Hey you didn't have to do that." I state. He shrugs. "I know."
CHAPTER 2: THE PANIC ATTACK
"Hey Jack. You coming?" Wade had invited us out to dinner to chat. "Yeah, I guess." He puts his arm on my shoulders and walks me to the car. I sit and stare out the window the whole way. I can feel his concerned eyes on me the entire time. Once we get to the restaurant I sit next to Mark, and I can just feel an aura of concern and warmth. But halfway through dinner, I start to feel it again. The feeling of drowning, like I'm being dragged under water and left there to die. I'm shaken out of my thoughts by a warm hand on my knee, which I hadn't realized has been bouncing like crazy. Mark's looking at me and mouths, 'you ok?'.
I shake my head. I honestly don't think I'm ok. Then the voice comes back. The black voice that tells me to do things. Why bother Jack? You're worthless. He doesn't care about you. He just wants to act like a good friend. If you died, he'd probably laugh. So why don't you huh? Make him laugh… You know you want to.
I feel Mark shake my shoulder. "Sean!" I hadn't realized my fingers were intertwined in my hair. I look over at him and Wade. Wade looks a bit confused and slightly worried, and Mark is just flat out concerned and looks slightly scared. The urge to get up and run is way too strong for me to rein in. "I- excuse me." I get up and bolt to the bathroom. Once I close the door, I walk to the large handicap stall. I sit on the ground and curl into myself, trying to be as small as possible. I feel the tears, and the hysteria coming. I pull my sleeve over my mouth and scream quietly. No it's too loud. I'm too loud. Oh no. They'll hear me. They'll come check on me. No No no they can't.
I sob and whimper into my sleeve for a while. And then the voice buts in, again. Stop crying you loser. Why are you crying? You know this pain you're feeling? Well if you go and take that butter knife off the table, this pain would go away. I promise.
"Why should I trust you?!" I yell, just as someone opens the bathroom door. I recognize the shoes. It's Mark. "Jack? It's Mark. I just wanna make sure you're okay." I wanted to let him in. "Mark. Help me." I heard the stall door this as he put his forehead against it. "I want to. Can you let me in? Please." I hesitantly reached up and opened the latch. I watched him walk over to me. I shook again and sobbed. "I just wanna make sure you're ok. And if you're not, then I hope you'll let me help." He put his hand on my shoulder and rubbed circles on it with his thumb. I flinch, but then I realized how safe this felt. The warmth of having another person with you. But the voice came back again and I felt shivers. I promise you Jack. When have I ever lied to you. Cutting made you feel better didn't it? I nod. Well there you go. I swear on my life this will help you. Just walk out, grab the butter knife and you can be free from this pain.
I nodded again. "Jack?" But I'm not listening to him anymore. I stood up and walked to the nearest table, grabbed the knife and pointed it straight at my stomach. But Mark followed me out. "Jack! Hey, whoa. Put the knife down Jack. Please?" I move it closer and put my hand up. "Come any closer and I'll do it, I swear." He puts his hands up and takes a step back. "Jack? It's ok. You don't have to." I shake my head. "You don't understand! I do! He won't leave me alone." He tilts his head. "Who?" I scream. "The voice! The black voice! He wants me to do it! He promised me I'd feel better!" His forehead creased in confusion. "What voice Jack? How long have you been hearing a voice?"
I shrugged. "About a month. He tells to do things. And he was right." His warm brown eyes widen a little at that. "Did he tell you to hurt yourself?" I sighed. "Yes! He said it would stop the pain and he was right. So he has to be right now!" The point of the blade was now dangerously close to my stomach. "Jack? We'll figure this out buddy. Just… Put the knife down." Other people were gathering. I looked around frantically. The voice started to yell at me. What are you waiting for?! Just do it! Get it over with, you pathetic crybaby! He doesn't care! He never did! No one does!
"Jack? Look at me. Just focus on me. Is the voice talking to you now?" I nodded. "What is he saying?" But I could hardly hear him anymore. The voice was screaming so loud I had a headache. I put my hand over ear. Then he stopped. "Jack? You with me?" I shrugged. "He won't stop." He inched slightly closer. "Stop what?" I moved the blade impossibly closer. "Screaming! He yells and screams at me all day and night!" He took a step forward with his hands up. "Take another step and I swear…! Stay away." He backed up again. "Jack. You need to listen to me. He's not real. You're hallucinating." I screamed again. "No! No I- I am not crazy! He's real!"
"Jack. I can help you. We can make him go away. But you need to put the knife down. Please." My arm was shaking violently. Just one more centimeter. "It doesn't stop! It never stops! I can't take it anymore!" He tilted his head again. "What doesn't stop? The voice?" I shook my head. "Not just him. The… the constant crying and the no sleeping and- and the the the the the um. The drowning! The drowning doesn't stop! And I can't breath ever!" He frowned. "You can breath I swear. Wait, what drowning?" I poked my chest. "The drowning! I'm drowning! All the time! I can't breathe and I- and I can't-" I was hyperventilating again.
"Look at me. Hey! Look at me, Jack. Come on. All that matters is you and me right now. Don't pay attention to anything else ok? Look at me." I stared at him again. "Good. Now, do you trust me? I'm not going to hurt you. I just want to help. Can I come closer?" My eyes widened and I felt a bit more panicked, but I nodded. "Just tell me when it's too close ok?" I nodded again. He slowly started to walk towards me. I let him get close enough to put his hand on my shoulder. "Buddy? Can I have the knife?" I shook my head. "Why not?" I shook my head again. "Because then I can't escape. I'll be trapped here. With no way out." He rubbed my shoulder. "Listen to me. No one is going to hurt you. I swear. But I need you to give me the knife." I shook my head again.
He sighed. "What can I do to make you give it to me?" I shrugged. "You can't." He frowned.
3rd person POV
Mark had his right hand behind his back, signaling to call 911. But his other hand was on Jack's shoulder trying to calm him down.
Back to Jack POV
"Okay. How about, we go in the other room, where we can lock the door? Hm? Just us. No one else, I swear." I looked at him warily. But then I nodded. We walked into the bathroom and locked the door. "There we go. See? No one can get to you in here. It's just me and you." I nodded again. "Now will you give me the knife?" I hesitated but nodded again. He sighed with relief and held out his hand. I shakily handed him the knife. He set it on the counter and came and hugged me. I hugged back and sobbed into his shoulder. "Shh. You're okay. Now Jack, I have an important question to ask you." I nodded again.
"Do you want to talk to someone professional about this? Or do you just want me to stay at your apartment for a while? It's completely up to you." And he was right. There was no pressure to the question. "I don't want to talk to anyone." He nodded. "Okay. That's okay. Do you want to go home?" I nodded again. He put his arm around my shoulder and we walked out of the room. The woman in the corner was holding a phone and looking at Mark questioningly. He shook his head. She hesitantly put the phone down. Once we got outside, we got in Mark's car and drove back to my apartment.
~Yipty skipty, yipty skipty~
Once we got there, I went straight to bed, completely exhausted from today. I'm not sure what he did after I fell asleep. But again, at about 2 am, I had another nightmare. This time, the dream was different.
(Jack's dream)
I was walking down the dark street in the middle of the night. It was quite cold, and I could see my shaky breaths evaporate into the night sky. But then I heard him. The voice in my head. But he wasn't a voice anymore. A tall shadow walked out from the alley and smiled at me. "Hello Jack." I felt ice shoot down my spine at the sound of his voice. "Now tell me something… Why are you still here? Why did you let that bastard tie you to the earth?! Now you're trapped here forever! He'll never let you go!" He was yelling now. I cringed away from him. "He wants to help me." I said quietly. He laughed. It was a chilling sound. "Ok sure. If you want to believe that, go ahead. He doesn't care about you! He just wants to be look like a good person. He doesn't care. He never cared. No one does. So why would you let him take your chance?!" I had now backed against a wall, him standing inches from my face. His breath smelled like a dead animal. He took his nail and dragged it along my forearm, breaking open old scars. I screamed. "Isn't that better?" I nodded. "Good. Remember that feeling. Use it."
(End of Dream)
"Jack!" I jolted awake, sat up, and gasped. "Oh god. Are you alright?" I put my head in my hands and sobbed. He sat on my bed and rubbed my back. "It was him." He looked confused for a second, but then turned into concern and slight shock. "The voice was in your dream?" I nodded and sobbed again. "Can you tell me what he said?" I nodded. I told him what the voice had told me, word for word. He looked more worried than ever now. "You know that's not true right? It's just your subconscious. He's not real." He reassured me. "I know I know. I just- wish he would go away and leave me alone." He patted my back. "Hey. You are never alone." I smiled at him in thanks and laid back down.
Chapter 3: It Never Ends… Or Does It?
"Jack! I'm back." Mark had been staying at my apartment for about a month now. But nothing had changed for me. The voice was gone yes, but I still felt the drowning, the terrifying sensation of being tied down and not able to breathe. I tried to compose my voice. "Okay!" I guess I didn't succeed. He jogged over to the bathroom door and knocked. "Leave me alone!" He sighed. "Jack! Open the door please!" I sobbed again and leaned my elbows on the counter. "Come on. Please?" That's when he realized he had a key, in case this happened. I dropped the bloody razor in the sink and crumpled on the carpet. He ran in and sat next to me, rubbing my back. "Hey. Did you do it again?" I nodded.
He sighed and pulled me into a tight hug. "It's never going to stop is it?" I sobbed into his shoulder. "It will. But it will stop a lot faster if you let me in. You can't shut me out Jack." I nodded again. I sat up and sniffled. "Come on. He stood up and helped me up. We walked back to my room and he told me to go to bed. Obviously I didn't sleep. I haven't slept since I had that nightmare about the voice. It's been 4 weeks now, and I'm so tired. But I haven't told Mark because he'll get upset with me.
~Skippy Tippy Timey Wimey~
Hello Jack. I gasped for breath and collapsed to the ground when I heard the horrible voice. No no no he can't be back! How is he back?! I pulled my knees up to my chest and screamed. "What do you want from me?!" He chuckled. It's not what I want. It's what you need. You tried his way. And look at you. Crumpled on the floor barely breathing. And where is he? Hm? Nowhere to be seen. That's where. Just give up already. You're not worth his time.
I continued to gasp for breath. After about 15 minutes I finally recovered. I got up, grabbed my camera, and went to sit at my desk. If I'm gonna do this I have to say goodbye. I turned on my camera and waved limply. "Hi everybody. I'm Jacksepticeye. As you already knew. I'm sorry I haven't posted anything, or even tweeted. I don't know what Mark's told you. Um. I just… I can't take it anymore. All this retched pain that I have no excuse for. The voice in my head came back today. And I've decided I'm gonna listen to him this time. So I'm so sorry and tell Mark I said thank you. I'm sorry again. Bye."
I posted the video and went to the bathroom. I sat on the floor and sobbed and gasped. I sat like that for what felt like years but was really on 10 minutes. I sniffled, stood up, and grabbed the bottle. In my crying fit, I struggled to get the cap off. I heard the phone ringing in the other room. The shrill ring ring ring tore through the house. I started to sob harder. I still couldn't get the cap off so I started screaming. I was crying and yelling so loud I didn't hear the door open. But I heard Mark yelling my name. "Jack! Jack I forgot my key, open the door please!" He knocked again and again. Eventually he found his key. Because he opened the door. "I can't get the cap off!" He ran over to me and took the bottle and threw it on the ground.
"What did you do?!" I sob again. He pulled me into a bear hug and sunk to the ground. He wrapped one arm around my waist and the other around my shoulders. "Shh. It's ok." I continued to cry. Eventually I fell asleep in his arms on the bathroom floor. When I woke up, I was back in my bed, and I was screaming again. Mark ran in the room and shook me awake. I panted and laid back down. "You ok?" I sighed. "No." He rubbed my shoulder again. "Jack… Maybe you should see someone about this." My eyes widened and I shot up. "No no no no no no no!" He put his hands up defensively. "Okay. Forget I said it." I sighed again and plopped back down.
Throughout the week I slowly started inching towards healthy. I stopped cutting at least. The voice was still there, but he growled whenever and I was happy and I just laughed at him. Every night I sat down with Mark and we just talked. I guess you could count it as little therapy sessions sort of. I did go to shrink once just because he kept asking. But after that he stopped asking. I also made him come with me. I went to VidCon 2015 with him, just for one day. That was awesome. I got a lot of get well letters, and people wishing me the best. It was really eye-opening.
After that it all got way better. I started sleeping again, I ate way more, the voice disappeared this time for good, and I just plain felt way happier. I went out dinner with Mark and Wade, I started doing videos again, and I started laughing more. Mark eventually moved back into his house, but still comes to check on me regularly. All in all, I think I made it through this one. Maybe not unscathed but still. I posted a video thanking everyone for the support and for helping me through my troubles.
"Take my hand, knot your fingers through mine. And we'll walk from this dark room for the last time."
-Open Your Eyes, Snow Patrol
A/N Thx so much for reading my story guys. I'm sorry if it upset you. Maybe check some of my other fanfictions. TTYL. This is Macy98534 over and out.
P.S. The last chapter was inspired by Taylor Hillridge's suicide attempt in the movie Cyberbully. If you caught that, I love you.