"Yo, team, hope everything is going well." Misato Katsuragi says. "Starting the Super Freedom Fighters meeting." Misato is in her mid-twenties, and quite pretty – long, purple hair, tall, and her red jacket and tight dress show off her attractive figure and well-toned legs. She wears a small greek cross on her neck. Her beauty belies a commanding presence and the tactical abilities to effectively command a group of disparate and demanding superheroes.
Beside Misato is a tall man with short, black hair, chiselled muscles, in a blue spandex suit, giant red "S" logo emblazoned on his chest, with a red cape.
The room Misato and Superman are inside is rather large, and there's lots of glass to let light in, with steel shutters that close in an emergency. The walls are white, the floor is white tile, and there's a huge, round table in the centre that a group of disparate superheroes are seated around rather casually. Misato and Superman are the only ones standing.
"Superman…" Misato begins.
"No," Batman says, in his deep, mysterious voice. Batman is wearing his typical Batman outfit – black mask, black cape, black suit with a small yellow bat badge on it.
"Yeah, that's a no from me too," Wonder Woman says. Wonder Woman has shoulder-length black hair, flawless, light-brown skin, and a body that would excite a eunuch. Her outfit is a red metal breastplate, a short blue skirt with vertical cuts that served to show off her thighs, and red boots that finished just below the knee, and all of it was accentuated with gold lining on her outfit, Her accessories were a tiara, boots, and gold wristbands. She's lying back, her feet crossed and up on the round table.
"Okay. Why don't you want him to join us?" Misato asked reasonably.
"Don't want to work with the ex-boyfriend," Wonder Woman says.
"Superman would add nothing to this team," Batman said. "And he's boring."
"Wait a minute, I'm not boring," Superman responds. "And I'm really powerful."
"Look, the Justice League lets people in if they can talk to fish," Batman said, "but we have standards here and you're not nearly good enough." Batman shakes his head, it's impossible to get the context of this since his face is masked near-completely. "You're apparently meant to be powerful but you need to skulk about pretending to be some random reporter named Clark Kent so criminals won't target the two people that are actually your friends."
"What the hell, Batman? Just revealing my secret identity like that?"
"I'm hoping you'll abandon it and come up with a new secret identity that's less shit," Batman replied. "Why would you pretend to be the most pathetic person on earth?"
"You have a secret identity too, Batman," Superman responded. "I'm not going to tell everyone what it is though."
"Like I wouldn't want people to know I'm Bruce Wayne if I can get away with it." Bruce Wayne was one of the world's most eligible bachelors – an eccentric billionaire, a shrewd businessman, and one of the world's most generous philanthropists. If you didn't want to be like Bruce Wayne, you wanted to be his lover. "I have a secret identity so I don't have to worry about my company's investors asking why I'm investing millions of dollars of company funds into shit like stealth plane technology," Batman responded. "The reason you have a secret identity is pathetic."
"I have a secret identity so I don't have to deal with thirsty males with bondage or roleplay fetishes all of the time," Wonder Woman added. "Why would you want to pretend to be a lame-ass reporter? That girl you lust after, Lois Lane, would probably be more interested in someone that didn't do her exact job, just more shittily while having a penis."
Batman laughed. "Superman spends half his time convincing Lois Lane that he's not Superman and she's freaking retarded. Remember when everyone though Superman was dead, and six different people decided to pretend to be Superman? Lois Lane decided the only way to find out if any of them were Superman was by personally fucking all of them. And she still couldn't figure that all of the people that didn't look or act like Superman weren't actually Superman until the original Superman came back to life."
Everyone around the table laughed, Superman looked pissed. It was obviously a sore point with him.
"Okay, thanks, you two," Misato said. "Anyone else want to weigh in here?"
"If Batman and Wonder Woman say no, that's good enough for me," Shrek says.
"I'm not interested in having Superman on the team either," Karl Marx responds. He's a large man, with a giant, manly beard that most men dreamt of having when they grew their beards out. His suit was a century out-of-fashion, but beneath his exterior, he had a supremely keen intellect, and a passion for justice and true equality among all men that was unrivalled. "He fully supports the US Government, who uses its might to destabilize legitimate Communist countries and spreads the ugliness of capitalism across the world. I do not see any value of having such a man on the team."
"What the heck, is that Karl Marx on your team?" Superman asked. "Isn't he dead?"
"How could I be here talking to you if I were dead?" Karl Marx pointed out.
"Shouldn't you be on a villain team? And how is Karl Marx okay with being on the same team as a billionaire superhero?"
"I am trying to free seven billion members of the proletariat from the chains of the bourgeoisie," Karl Marx replied. "How can you possibly call someone like that a villain? As for Batman, he donates quite a lot of time and money to philanthropy outside of his superhero efforts, and he doesn't blindly obey the law or support the US Government. It's a no from me too, Misato."
"I could do with a research assistant," Buffy the Vampire Slayer said. Buffy has long blond hair, is in her mid-twenties, wears a casual tank top and sweatpants, has her feet up on the desk, lying right back. It mightn't look it from first glance, but Buffy is adept at unarmed and armed martial arts, and was responsible for slaying all manner of monster that no-one else but Shrek could handle.
"Research assistant?" Superman asked incredulously.
"Yeah. You tell me how to kill monsters and I kill them. Research assistant."
"You mustn't realize who I am," Superman says.
"Yeah, you're Superman. Giant S logo, blue tights. Kinda obvious." Buffy said sarcastically.
"I don't want to be a research assistant," Batman said.
"Well, I could do with a second sidekick, then," Sonic suggests. Sonic was a giant, blue hedgehog with oversized quills, large white eyes and small green irises. He wore running shoes and a cheeky smirk, had his feet lazily up on the table, reclining back. "Tails needs a day off occasionally, and Superman could fill the gaps as a substitute."
"You mustn't understand," Superman said, "I'm Superman. I'm not a sidekick."
"Not with that attitude," Sonic replied, dismissively.
"Look, Sonic, I'm a proper hero. I'm more than a sidekick," Superman insisted.
Sonic chuckled. "Yeah, Tails sometimes says that too." Sonic brightens up. "You two would get along well."
"Look, everyone, I'd be a powerful ally in whatever you want to do," Superman said, slightly exasperated.
"If we ever need someone to pretend to be a reporter that can't do their job properly, we'll call you," Shrek says.
Everyone laughs.
Goku looks at Superman. Goku was muscly yet lithe, had gold hair and an orange martial arts outfit with a blue singlet beneath. Anyone with an ounce of special ability could feel immense power radiating from Goku. "Even if we let you join, Superman, you're just going to be a weaker version of the rest of us. You're not going to be happy with that, we're not going to find you useful. It doesn't seem like a sensible arrangement."
"What the hell? I can beat Batman in a fight," Superman insisted.
"No you can't," Batman responded, laughing.
"Casper, you haven't spoken up yet," Misato said. "I'd like to hear from you."
"I'd like to make a new friend," Casper the Friendly Ghost responded. Casper was the friendliest ghost you'll know. His ghostly form was somewhere between that of a human and an amorphous white blob, but could change this form nearly at will. "I'd be happy with Superman joining the group."
"Thank you," Superman says, appreciating this small gesture.
"You always say yes to everyone that applies, Casper," Shrek said.
"I always want to make friends," Casper said. "I don't really care if he's so weak all that he can do is make tea for us."
"Okay, I'm sick of this," Superman said angrily. "I'm challenging any one of you to a battle. I'll prove how good I am, and I won't even join your group afterwards because I think you all suck," Superman said.
Casper started to cry.
"Don't worry, Casper, we're all still friends with you," Misato said, trying to cheer Casper up. "Do you need a hug?"
"I'm okay," he sniffled. He clearly wasn't.
Shrek looked angry with how Casper had been treated. "Okay, I'm upset now. Who wants to beat the shit out of Superman besides me?"
"Well, you're the strongest out of us, Shrek," Goku said, although it pained him to admit it. "I could beat Superman, but I'd much rather you did it and thoroughly put him in his place."
"I'm fine with Shrek beating the shit out of Superman too," Wonder Woman said, rather eagerly. Obviously, her relationship with Superman had not ended well.
"Do we really need to have this fight happen?" Misato asked. "If you don't want Superman here, you don't need to fight to not have him here.
"Yes," Superman said. "I want to prove how good I am, I'm sick of listening to all of this bullshit about how weak everyone thinks I am."
"Beating the shit out of Superman will be funny as fuck and I'm all for that," Shrek said.
An expansive grassy field. In the distant background, a huge city. The sun is high in the sky. It's a still day with no wind.
Standing ten metres away from eachother, Shrek and Superman.
Around them, the rest of the Super Freedom Fighters, eagerly waiting.
"How do you want to start this fight, Shrek?" Superman asked confidently.
"Come whenever you're ready, big boy," Shrek responded, dismissively.
Superman flew straight at Shrek, and using his superspeed, flew around Shrek to flank him. Shrek didn't turn to face him, Superman thought he had the upper hand, punching him from behind.
Shrek didn't move. Didn't flinch. It was as if Superman's punch had had no effect on him. Shrek turned, as Superman still hovered in mid-air, wondering what the heck had happened, Shrek hit Superman with a single left jab.
The heroes around them watching the fight slid away into nothingness, as if they were nothing more than wispy vapor. The sky and the ground faded to blackness. Reality itself had turned into darkness. All that existed was Shrek and Superman.
Shrek began to pummel Superman with his fists. Left and right jabs, rapid-fire machine gun fists. This was the only reality that truly existed, Shrek punching Superman forever and for eternity.
The stars emerged, constellations unfamiliar, swirling, changing. Perhaps millions of years were passing in an instant. Perhaps reality itself was changing. And all the while, Shrek was pummelling Superman.
Initially, it appeared that Shrek's attacks were having little effect, but suddenly, Superman was knocked down. Bruised. Broken.
"Pathetic," Shrek said.
"How?" Superman choked out, blood coming out.
"You have fallen to my Infinite Cosmos Punch. You have not attained true strength," Shrek said. "Your strength is a trick, you obtain it from outside sources. You need a yellow sun to function? You're allergic to your home planet?" Shrek shook his head, laughed. "You are not strong, will never be strong, unless your strength comes from within."
Shrek picked up Superman.
"I would have been quite happy to have merely beat you," Shrek said, "but you upset Casper. That will not abide." Shrek threw Superman into the air, and as Superman came down, he tried to cover his face.
"Nooooo!" the not-so-super man howled, but no-one tells Shrek when a fight is over. He gave Superman an uppercut, the most powerful uppercut that had ever occurred in the history of everything. It sent Superman flying upwards at a speed that made light look as if it was standing still.
He did not return to Shrek by falling back down. He came back the opposite way, having crossed the entire universe and gone back around. Shrek reached out, stopped Superman's momentum. He dropped Superman to the ground, he crumpled pathetically.
The swirling cosmos the two stood in receded from view. The grass faded back into vision, the sky lightened, turned blue again. The sun was out, the grass was green, the superheroes were watching Shrek. To everyone else, it was as if Shrek had beaten Superman with a single jab. Perhaps he had. In any case, Superman collapsed, battered, bruised, broken in a way that said he should be dead, but by some miracle, was not.
"I suppose we'd better call an ambulance," Misato said.