My older brother called me on my cellphone last Sunday, much to my surprise. He's 20 and has been in college for a couple years or so. I don't know what he's up to, nor do I really care. Big Bro has never been someone I got along with. The rest of my family adores him, and my parents miss him. The second he left for college, my parents acted like he died. Their somberness was very frightening. Every other day or so they'd vocally reminiscent the good ole' days when he lived in our charming home and spread joy to our lives. Ma and Pa's love for him knew no bounds. Big Bro was my parents' perfect son: star athlete of his high school baseball team, exemplary student in all his classes, and such a charmer everywhere he goes. Unfortunately, Big Bro knew he was wonderful and thought it'd be a good idea to try to spread his wonderfulness onto his juvenile little brother, me. Now one might think, "Awww…..he wants what's best for his little brother and is trying to help him out. How sweet. He's such a good brother." However, my older brother trying to help me become great in life, just like himself, made him bossy and a pushover.
When he was in final year in high school and I was in my first year of junior high, Big Bro would constantly criticize me on how horribly I did after every baseball game, regardless of how well I actually did. His criticisms were brutal, and they really got to me.
"Kousuke, were you blind? There were many obvious strikes could have hit."
"Man, you're so small. If you tried harder to get bigger, that hit would have gotten your team more bases."
"Why didn't you go for that catch?! I know so many outfielders who could have caught that ball in their sleep."
Even after he left for college, my brother's voice would still sort of linger in my head, commenting on how awful I did in every game. I can't really remember the last time I felt good about my performance in a game. You're baseball performance really is slipping. You're not doing your best. You're letting your team down. Although, his voice in my head was so faint to the point I didn't really acknowledge it most of the time, but it still had a subtle influence on me. Fortunately, for my sanity's sake, my personal feelings on my own baseball performances ended up not being as irrationally negative as my brother's.
Big Bro has made my entire existence miserable outside of baseball as well. He always made jabs or negative remarks about every detail in my life during my entire first year of junior high, from how much my grades sucked to how poorly I tie my shoes. Sometimes I knew he was full of crap, and it was common sense to just ignore him. However, sometimes there was a part of me that believed him, and a lot of the times I actually believed him. I was an unripe, impressionable 13-year-old who wanted to be like his Big Bro. Ma and Pa downright told me my older brother was amazing and that I should listen to him. As pathetic as it sounds, I idolized the jackass, in the beginning of my first junior high year at least. Although, during the day leading up to his departure for college, something inside me snapped when he commented, "Ew, you should really wash your face because your acne looks sickening. It's almost like you're diseased."
After that sneer, I punched him dead-on in the face. Broke his nose too.
Unfortunately, Ma was there to see me punch my darling brother and ruin his pristine nose. Big Bro immediately shared his side of the story by stating, "I was just giving him advice on how to deal with his acne. Before I knew it, Kousuke went crazy and punched me."
"Ma," I defended myself, visibly shaking with anger, "He wasn't giving me advice. He was insulting me."
"Wow Kousuke, I had no idea you were so self-conscious and sensitive about how you looked. Looks are superficial y'know. It's not worth punching someone over." Big Bro replied while covering his nose with his hand while Ma handed him a tissue from the tissue box in the bathroom. At that moment, I really wanted nothing more than to strangle him and wreck his face a bit more. The situation wasn't as simple as he painted it to be. I didn't punch him because he insulted my looks. I punched him because he's been tormenting my life for many months, and I couldn't take it anymore. He knew that. At least, I think he knew that. If he didn't, then he's the most oblivious person I have the poor misfortune of knowing. Then again, I wouldn't be surprised if he is the most oblivious I know.
I'm not the type of person who would roll over and die when I disagree with someone. In retaliation, I forcefully shared my side of the story and tried explaining to Ma that Big Bro has been bullying me and I just had enough. Unfortunately, my older brother kept on pointing out that I resorted to physical violence. Even if he was bullying me, he recited the cliché mantra, "violence is never the answer." He was right, as always when in front of Ma. Punching is not the best way to handle the jackass who was tormenting me. I didn't need to hear Ma tell me to head to my room before I headed there myself. The last thing my soul needed was to stay in the same room as my big bro for another five seconds before I had to resort to physical violence again. Ma came to my room and told me I was grounded and that I had to apologize to my brother. I bargained with her to increase my grounding sentence so that I wouldn't have to swallow my pride and apologize. She looked too exasperated to deal with me and didn't try to force me to apologize.
When she left my room, I was alone with my thoughts, which was a painful place to be in at that point. At first, all that went through my mind was, I hate him. My heart clenched at that thought. It's common knowledge that you're supposed to love your siblings. However, I felt no love for the only sibling I had. It made me feel inhuman. To makes things worse, there was a point in my life when I actually liked my brother and maybe even loved him, as sappy as that sounds. However, I felt like I truly hated him on the day before he left for college, and I hated him enough to not say goodbye or even have a decent conversation since that incident.
As mentioned before, last Sunday he did call my cellphone. In a fit of anger, I deleted his number from my cellphone long ago, so there was no caller ID when my cell rung. I was doing homework on my bed before I hastily answered the phone. I nearly jumped out of my bed when I heard my big bro's deep voice, "Kousuke? Is that you?"
"Yeah it is…ummmmm….I think you've got the wrong number," I replied tentatively. I wasn't joking or being sarcastic here. He had no reason to call me. I didn't have the heart to stop hating him. Even worse, I suddenly hung up on him without thinking and threw my phone across the room. My parents would probably throw a fit if they knew I rudely hung up on Big Bro like that, and they'd probably find out eventually once Big Bro speaks to them. However, I just didn't have enough resolve inside of me to try to talk to him. Of course I've talked to him before when he'd come home from college. During those visits though, I tried avoiding him like the plague and only used awkward casual dialogue when I was forced to communicate with him. The relationship between my brother and I was broken at best, and it was all my doing to. There were moments when it seemed like he wanted to be cordial with me, but I just wouldn't have it. It's like I didn't want a decent relationship with him, and maybe I didn't. I am too mean-spirited and too weak-minded to even try. After chucking my phone across the room, my older brother's voice echoed in my head, you really are pathetic. What's wrong with you? Do you enjoy hating people like this? Maybe it's for the best. You don't deserve to have a healthy relationship with your brother. It was very bizarre. Normally, I can barely hear the whispers of my brother's voice in my head, but after the phone call, I couldn't get his voice out.
On Monday morning I wake up later than usual because there are no 5 AM practices after the Saitama Prefectural Tournament. Ma makes my bento lunch, as she always does before I head to Nishiura High. This morning when I see her in the kitchen, she doesn't greet me warmly when she hands me my lunch and has a sour expression on her face. I don't know why she seems so disappointed or what she could be disappointed with. Understanding what goes on in her motherly head is something I'm not good at. Quickly, I grab my lunch without saying a word and leave the house to go to school. She's probably upset today because of you. You haven't been all that pleasant to be around, and she is probably disappointed by how poorly you did on the math exam.
"Did you know that Mihashi looked like a potato when he was a baby?" Tajima brings up during lunchtime. Tajima, Mihashi, Hamada, and I are all eating lunch in the classroom around a desk, as we usually do.
Understandably, Hamada gives Tajima a perplexed look at this question. Mishashi glances at Tajima dumbfounded at the random comment. I quickly answer before swallowing a piece of broccoli from my bento box, "No, why we know that? In fact, why would you know that?"
"Oh, because Abe, Hamada, and I were over at Mihashi's house to study for the biology exam, and Naoe showed us a picture of him when he was a baby," Tajima replies with a mouth full of rice.
"Wait, you were all over at Mihashi's house? Why wasn't I invited?" I inquire, trying to not stammer due feeling hurt that Mihashi didn't invite me over to his house. They didn't invite you because they don't like you. "Why was Abe over at Mihashi's house? He's not even in the same biology class as we are."
Mihashi doesn't bother looking me in the eye, but instead looks nervously over at Tajima so that he can answer for him. Tajima takes Mihashi's hint and responds, "It was kind of a first come first serve kind of deal. Mihashi and I agreed to study biology at Mihashi's house. Hamada and Abe were at the right place in the right time. They heard we were going to study biology and Mihashi's and wanted to join. Which was great, y'know? Mihashi and I can use all the help we can get. So we let Abe and Hamada come over to study with us. Once Mihashi had invited three people over to his house, we all kind of figured three would be enough." I narrow my eyes at Tajima, not quite sure if I believe him or not. This wouldn't be the first time Tajima and Mihashi have left me out of something. Lately, there always seems to be this invisible barrier between myself and Tajima and Mihashi. I still consider those two to be good friends of mine, and we're still close. No you're not. They don't want to be friends with you. However, Tajima and Mihashi seem to have gradually become best buddies and have this indescribable bond that I can't seem to have with either of them. They understand each other more than anyone ever could, have their own inside jokes, and hang out quite a bit. You're jealous.
Mihashi then adds in, apparently not satisfied with Tajima's answer, "Izumi-kun, I wanted you to come over though. You just weren't around." He seems a little nervous that I'll get mad at him. He's worried you'll get bitter or do something mean, like you always do when things don't go your way. Mihashi then gives me an apologetic smile. "I should have invited you. You're good at biology, better than Tajima and I anyway."
"He really does look like a potato though," Hamada butted in casually.
"Yeah, I know, right?" Tajima replies happily. He then digs into his backpack and pulls out what is unmistakably three baby photos of Mihashi. He then hands the photos over to me grinning. "Izumi look! Doesn't he look like a potato? The resemblance to the rooted vegetable is uncanny."
"Why do you have Mihashi's baby photos with you in your backpack?" I ask the obvious question while peering over at the photos in my hand. One of the photos was of a newborn Mihashi wrapped in a blanket like a burrito, no hair. The other two pictures were of an older baby Mihashi in a blue onesie with a red pacifier in his mouth; his blond hair was grown-in for the last two pictures.
"Naoe gave them to me."
"And Naoe is…."
"Mihashi's mom. Who else?"
"I dunno…grandma maybe? Cousin? Maybe there's a secret girlfriend or an eloped ex-wife we don't know about," I suggest light-heartedly. Is it normal for someone to know the first name of one of his or her friend's mom? Of course it is! You've always been a terrible friend, so you wouldn't know that.
Tajima, Hamada, and even Mihashi start bursting out laughing the second I mentioned "secret girlfriend." Fortunately, I wasn't being serious, so I lightly smirked at their response. Tajima cackled, "Oh, I wish that Mihashi had a secret girlfriend or ex-wife. She must be pretty awesome if the great and talented pitcher Mihashi can have a romance with her. Hah, no, no chance though. He's too busy. We're all too busy. No girlfriends or eloped ex-wives for us." Tajima then peaks over at the pictures still in my hands. "But seriously, doesn't Mihashi look like a potato?"
"Nah, he just looks like your average baby," I answer honestly, shoving the photos into Mihashi's hands, rather than Tajima's. "Sorry, Mihashi you don't look like a vegetable."
"That's what I said," Mihashi agrees quickly, with a bit of relief washed over his face. "Tajima, Hamada, and Abe just said I looked like a potato."
The thing that irks me about Tajima and Mihashi's relationship is the fact that Mihashi really likes and respects Tajima, and Tajima can take that for granted. Mihashi does what Tajima says, easily agrees with him on most things, and rarely tries to argue with him. Sometimes Tajima will take advantage of that. Whenever Mihashi and Tajima have to work on a school assignment together, Tajima somehow manages to get Mihashi to do most of the work, and Mihashi doesn't complain. There have been times when Mihashi confides with Tajima some of his secrets, and if Tajima doesn't think that a secret should be secretive, he shares that secret with other people. It's thanks to Tajima that the entire baseball team knows about Mihashi's fetishes and love for romantic comedies. Even now, Tajima thinks it's a good idea share Mihashi's baby pictures with me while Mihashi is a bit uncomfortable with it. Although ultimately, Mihashi doesn't care that Tajima sometimes abuses his trust in him. I guess this is fine. Tajima never means to be malicious and is probably the friendliest, most likable person Mihashi has ever met. However, deep down, I feel like I can relate to Mihashi more than Tajima can. Tajima abusing Mihashi's trust kind of reminds me of Big Bro abused my trust in him. I can also relate to Mihashi's low self-esteem and even his social anxiety to some level. You're just jealous that Mihashi is closer to Tajima than he is to you. What makes you think that Tajima can relate to Mihashi better than you? That's arrogant of you to think. Besides, Mihashi will always like Tajima way more than you.
"I still can't believe she just gave you his baby photos like that," Hamada noted while eyeing an eggroll in his hand. "Then again, Mihashi's mo-I mean, Noe really likes you. His whole family does."
"Oh yeah, the Mihashi family is great," Tajima states with his mouth stuffed with even more rice. People like Tajima way more than they like you. That's no surprise, since people don't like you in general. "I still find baby Mihashi's resemblance to a potato to be pretty funny and inhuman. It's great. I wish I looked like a potato when I was baby. Instead, I looked like…"
"A baby?" I suggest shrugging, after snatching Hamada's last eggroll while he wasn't looking. You're so rude when you steal other people's food like that.
"Yeah, I just looked like a boring, average baby. Mihashi's cool. At least he looked like a potato when he was a baby," Tajima sighed. Was he being serious?
"Tajima, we can't have everything in life," I tell him, taking a bite out of the eggroll. You're really cold towards Tajima. It's obvious why he doesn't like you.
"Oh Tajima, you still owe me something," Hamada reminds him. He's staring at his lunch, probably wondering where his eggroll had gone.
"What is it?" Tajima asks. "Is it porn?"
"No, it was my biology notes."
"Oh right," Tajima responds, digging into his backpack. "It is Mihashi who I owe porn to."
One would think that Mihashi would be embarrassed after Tajima reveals he's been lending porn to Mihashi, but he isn't. Tajima talks about his porn dealings, porn in general, masturbation, sex, and that kind of stuff so much to the point where we've all gotten used to it. I know about Tajima's porn dealings with Mihashi, Hamada, and some of my teammates more than I would like. None of us are fazed when Tajima whips out a cheesy porn magazine out of his backpack and hands it discreetly to Mihashi. Even though this is a common occurrence, I still can't help but whisper, "It's not a good idea to take that out in the middle of class." You're no fun and such a mood killer.
"Izumi do you want anything? I haven't dealt any with you in while," Tajima replies, completely ignoring my warning.
"No, I'm good," I answer swiftly, putting my lunch away since I'm finished. To be honest, Tajima has never dealt porn with me before. It looks like he doesn't realize it, and I don't bother telling him. You're really weird, in a bad way. I've seen Tajima's porn a few times, but never borrowed any from him. Looking at Tajima's porn was really only a way to bond with him, especially when everyone else seemed to be doing it. You're a sheep and you're fake. The kind of stuff I see in Tajima's magazines and videos don't appeal to me. The women especially with their big breasts look freaky. I never understood why guys like women with big breast. Breasts to me are just globs of fat on the chest. How is that a turn on? You're so gay. You're also negatively judging other people. After a while, I just started acting chaste and don't really input anything when sex was mentioned. One of the prime reasons for that is, I don't want Tajima going around to people, sharing my porn habits and sexual attractions. Another reason for why I'm acting chaste is that sex and romance is just something I don't like talking about. That should be okay though. I'm too busy with school and baseball to care about that kind of stuff anyway. You're ashamed of it. You try not to think about romance because you know you'll never get any.
"Oh well, suite yourself Izumi. What kind of stuff are you into though? I won't know what to get you for your birthday if you won't tell me," Tajima yawned. He began making himself comfortable at his desk, getting ready for the post-lunch nap.
"Nothing, really, I don't need anything. I don't jerk off as much as you do," I grumble, resting my head on my arms so that I can fall asleep.
"It must be nice having a low sex drive. Jerking off can be so time consuming. How do you avoid masturbating?"
"I just think about things that are a turn off."
"Like….."
"Listening to you talk about sex and masturbation."
"Wow, I do that every day. No wonder you have such a small libido."
"Go to sleep Tajima. It's naptime."
Afternoon practice later that day was horrible. I just was not feeling it. Meditations made me feel restless. What is wrong with you?! Why are you so anxious? My performance during drills was unusually erratic. Balls from the machine that I would normally hit sailed right by my side without me even bothering to swing. You're not as good of a player as you think you are. Everyone on the team either irritated me or made me feel uncomfortable. Talking to people was the last thing I wanted to do. Unfortunately, baseball is a team sport, so I am obligated to communicate with them. Although, when I did communicate with them, it was at a minimum. Most of my teammates gave me weird looks at how standoffish I was being. Sakaeguchi even asked me if something was wrong a few times during practice. A few members really kept their distance from me. You're always standoffish to them. You make them feel uncomfortable because of how selfish, socially awkward, and unfriendly you are. Running especially was something my body rebelled against. Just a regular warmup run made my legs feel wobbly, which doesn't usually happen. The physical exertion I put in throughout the entire practice gradually made me feel even more light-headed. You're out of shape.
During the middle of afternoon practice, we're doing base running drills. When I sprint over to second base, unbearable dizziness washes over me. My legs feel unsteady and eventually give in. Before I know it, I'm down on my knees with my hands out in front of me on the diamond's dirt. Shouts of my teammates screaming my name can be heard. Other than that, I can't comprehend what they're saying. Blackness takes of me before I even know it.
You pass out during practice. That is so pitiful.
"Izumi seemed really distant during practice. He would barely talk to anybody. I guess it makes sense that was sick," Sakaeguchi's voice rings through my head.
I feel something hard beneath me and quickly quickly realize that I'm lying on a bench. The second my eye start to flicker open, Tajima says, "Hold up, he's waking up."
Immediately, I sit up from the bench, panicking a little about what happened. My breathing is heavy, and Hanai's rough hands grab my shoulder to steady me. The team caption tells me, "Hey watch it. Don't sit up too quickly you just-"
"Passed out. I know, sorry," I interrupt him with the rudest apology. See? You're always mean to them. The first thing I do while sitting up is take in my surroundings. Even though it is a little dim outside, I can still make out Sakaeguchi, Hanai, Tajima, and Mizutani looking over me in the darkness. Immediately, I recognize I am in the dugout.
"Eh, passing out is no big deal. Happens to the best of us," Tajima tells me before handing me a water bottle. I barely take a sip and don't reply. Having four teammates surrounding me feels suffocating. They're too nice to you. You don't deserve their sympathies.
"Yeah, he was probably under the weather and overworked himself at practice," Mizutani comments optimistically. He's lying. You passed out because you are weak. The left fielder then turns to me and says, "It's kind of admirable that you work so hard that you pass out."
"Yeah, it's great that you work hard at practice and all, but listen to your body next time. If you're feeling sick, just tell someone. We'd understand if you're not up to practicing," Hanai adds in, slightly reprimanding me.
"Are you somehow praising me for passing out?" I ask bewildered. The question isn't really geared towards anyone in particular. They're disgusted that you passed out. I shove the water bottle back into Tajima's hands and sigh. "It was my fault for passing out. I should done a better job taking care of myself or….." At this point, I'm tremendously frustrated with myself. You're too dumb to even know why you passed out. I stand up and bitterly snort with at myself. "Yeah, I've been really irresponsible lately. I don't even know why I passed out."
Sakaeguchi instantly frowns at this and exchanges glances with Hanai. He tells me, "Hey, don't be too hard on yourself over this. It's not a big deal. You didn't do anything stupid or anything. This probably wasn't something you could have prevented."
Don't listen to him. You were stupid. I shrug and ignore Sakaeguchi's opinion. The only thing I want to do now is leave vicinity. Without thinking, I make my way over to the club room, which is a little ways away, so that I can change out of my practice uniform, gather all my belongings into my bag, and leave. Soft footsteps are heard right by my side, and I turn my head to see Mizutani looking at me with an indecipherable expression. He's still in his practice uniform, just like I am, so it's safe to assume he's heading to the club room so that he can get ready to leave as well. I have half a mind to snap at Mizutani to leave me alone, but I can't find it in myself to do that. It's because you have a disgusting crush on him.
Mizutani is a teammate who has a special place in my heart. When I first met him, he seemed immature and his lack of baseball skills bothered me. You're so judgmental. After a while of being a fellow outfielder with Mizutani, I warmed up to him. Ever since Mizutani got to know me, he's always looked up to me and has been complimentary to my game. That kind of thing should annoy me since I really don't feel like I deserve to be looked up to, but Mizutani somehow made his admiration of me seem genuine and flattering. After a while of getting to know him and hanging out with him, I've learned that the left fielder is very friendly and enjoyable to hang around with. Even though he's not the best player on the team by a long shot, it does seem like he tries and wants to get better. Fortunately for Mizutani, he does have a lot of redeemable qualities outside of baseball. You have no redeemable qualities or good qualities in general. For whatever reason, Mizutani is the teammate I trust the most and am the most comfortable around. His laid-back attitude is this bizarre stress reliever. Mizutani is a close friend of mine, maybe even my best friend, but it's difficult to tell what he truly is to me. He hates you. If finds out you have this disgusting crush on him, then he'll hate you even more.
Mizutani doesn't say anything while we make our way over to the club room, which I am grateful for. Talking is just going to agitate me, and the temporary silence is kind of soothing. The silence doesn't last long though. Once we reach the club room, various voices of teammates can be heard just behind the door. After sliding the door open, the first thing I see is Oki and Nishihiro conversing about an incident that happened during class. Suyama is standing nearby the two of them, changing out of his practice uniform. Miztuani and I separate to different areas of the room so that we can get to our bags.
Upon approaching my bag, I hear Abe bark, "Why would you eat sukiyaki?! You know that crap is loaded with saturated fat that can hinder your performance and ruin your health!"
Normally, to the best of my ability, I try to avoid Abe when he starts obsessively taking charge of Mihashi's life decisions. It's painful to hear Abe act like he owns the guy. Worse yet, Mihashi respects Abe enough to let Abe control his life most of the time. Their relationship starts looking abusive when Abe starts screaming at Mihashi and Mihashi becomes extremely distressed in response, which is what is happening right now. While I approach the front of my bag, Abe is screaming at a terrified Mihashi who is backed up against a table. To the best of my ability, I try to tune out the two of them while I go through my bag for clothes, change out of my practice uniform, and pack the rest of my belongings into my bag. Unfortunately, I can hear every word of their conversation. I can even make out Mihashi whimpering very softly, "Sorry….Abe…my mom…."
"I don't care if your mom made them! They're not good for you! Eating that kind of food makes you unhealthy! Your performance will weaken, and you'll start getting sick!"
"Yes, your life is ruined after eating one lousy piece of fatty beef. Careful Mihashi, you're going to have a heart attack as a high school first year," I snort to myself in amusement, trying to silently mock Abe.
"Yes! Exactly! Izumi's right. That kind of food can will give you a heart attack!" Abe says in response to my mocking. My obvious sarcasm somehow went right over his head, and he wasn't supposed to hear it anyway. Mihashi looks over at me in surprise since I rarely intervene in their conversations.
With my bag on my shoulder, I assert to Abe, "Don't drag me into this. I don't want to be in this conversation, and I especially don't want to take your side."
"Huh?" Abe replied with genuine confusion. "But you just said-"
"I wasn't being serious! I was making fun of you! Why would I agree with you? I never agree with you when you yell and dictate Mihashi! You act like he is your pet dog rather than your teammate. You can't just yell at him for every questionable life decision he makes and expect him to be okay! It's going to stress him out and make him panic. You also can't make decisions for him or take control of his life. He can make his own decisions just fine. You don't know better than he does, and sometimes your decisions for him downright suck. He'd be a lot happier and better when he makes his own decisions rather than having to listen to you. Just look at yourself! You're a miserable, unhappy goat who people don't like. Don't drag Mihashi down to your level!" I bloviate to Abe, enraged. Once I'm done speaking, my eyes widen at the shocked expressions of Abe and Mihashi. Their reactions are nearly identical, as if I were speaking directly to both of them equally rather than just Abe. I then realize that I am visibly shaking in anger. In the numerous months I have known Abe and his unhealthy relationship with Mihashi, I have never lost my temper with him or shouted at him about his treatment of Mihashi. In the end, I am just as surprised with myself as Abe and Mihashi are. I lost it and really went below the belt with Abe. The scary thing is, I don't even know when or why I suddenly lost my temper and decided to shout at Abe. It came out of nowhere. To put it simply, I lost control of myself. You're an angry, miserable human being who can't even control his temper. You were so horrible to Abe. He didn't deserve to hear those harsh words you said to him. Most bullies don't say the nasty things you do. You said that people don't like Abe, yet nobody likes you either.
From the corner of my eye, I can see Mizutani, Oki, Nishihiro, and Suyama staring at me. I try to avoid peaking over at them because I am afraid of their expressions will be. They're probably either angry or disgusted with you. You just openly bullied one of team's vice-captains. They think you're a horrible human being. Without even looking at anyone, I mumble a weak apology to anyone who is listening, "Sorry, I didn't mean for it come out like that, and I didn't mean everything I said."
Right after that incident, I escape the club room as quickly as I can with my bag on my shoulder. Mizutani, Abe, and Nishihiro tried to speak to me on the way out, but I take no notice. They all probably want to berate you for being a crappy human being. For some odd reason, instead of making my way over to my bike so that I can bike home, I dash over to the side of the club room that faces away from the school quad and aqueduct. I just want to avoid running into any of my teammates, or anyone for that matter, as much as possible. Evidently, I am not in the right mind to talk to anyone. You're never in the right mind to talk to anyone. Once I reach the designated side of the club room building, I sit down and lean my back against the building. It's the late autumn afternoon, with the sky full of light gray clouds with no visible bit of blue sky in sight. Some of the sun's rays make their way through the clouds on one portion of the sky, but most of the sunlight is trapped behind the clouds. Most people would consider this kind of weather dreary; however for me personally, this kind of dim weather calms me a little. It could be worse. At least it's not cold. You're so miserable that even depressing weather seems happy.
"Where's Izumi?" Tajima questions from the other side of the club room. "His bike is still here, so he couldn't have already left."
"I don't know. He was just here," Abe replies sounding irritable. "He was pretty angry and yelled at me right before he left."
"Woah, really?! What did you do this time Abe?"
"What do you mean by that?!"
"I meant nothing by that."
"Abe did nothing wrong!" Mihashi blurts. Mihashi is siding with Abe, not you.
"So Izumi was in the wrong?" Tajima wondered, sounding confused.
"NO!" Mihashi's sounds panicked. He doesn't want to say anything bad about you because Mihashi doesn't talk bad about anyone. "I don't know…I mean…."
I tune out the rest of the conversation when the entire team starts chatting at once. Some of them are talking about me because I can hear my name multiple times among the voices, but I don't decipher any of the conversations. Their voices get more inaudible as they get on their bikes and leave the school.
The silence that follows once the last bike leaves the school catches me off guard. Even though I have been yearning for silence ever since the beginning of practice, I feel profound anxiety burst inside of me. Big Bro's voice is ranting at me from inside my mind. You've been an awful human being you're entire life, but you've gotten even worse since you rejected your brother's call. All he wanted to do was speak to you, and you completely ignored him. You're family loves him. Why can't you like him?! You're worthless compared to him. Your family will never like you at this rate. Your mom was very upset to see you today because she knows she has a crappy son. Even your supposed friends don't like you. They're trying to distance themselves from you, but you're too selfish and stupid to take a hint. There's not one good thing about you. You get terrible grades in school. Did you see your last English test? Once more, you suck at baseball. You might have been a decent player before, but you've gotten worse. You couldn't even handle a shortened practice. All of your teammates hate you. They saw you terrorize Abe when he was trying to help Mihashi. Mihashi is more afraid of you than ever. What is wrong with you?! His voice continues to pour ideas into my head, and in response I can feel myself trembling and begin to hug my knees, searching for some comfort.
"Oh, there you are! We were wondering where you went!" Mizutani's voice snapped me back to reality. He plops down to my side and looks over at me. At first he is smiling, but then his face falters into a worried expression. "Hey are you okay?"
Still hugging my knees, I scowl at him before saying a little too loudly, "I'm fine! I came here so that everyone would just leave me alone. I was hoping you'd get the hint."
"It's fine. If it makes you feel any better, Sakaeguchi is the only one besides myself who stayed behind to look for you. I'll just text him telling him, I found you and that he can leave," Mizutani responds as nonchalantly as he can, but he seems at least slightly agitated. He takes out his cellphone from his pocket and begins typing up a text.
"You need to leave me alone too, not just Sakaeguchi," I sigh. I was just on the verge of having an emotional breakdown and this jackass decided to interrupt like it's no big deal. "Seriously, just go away!"
I give him a weak shove, but Mizutani doesn't acknowledge me before putting away his phone. With a forced grin, he informs me, "Don't worry, Sakaeguchi is leaving. I told him you'd talk to him tomorrow before school starts. He's just worried about you. You were pretty down today."
"Hey! You can't just speak for me like that!" I lash out. I take out my own cellphone, in an attempt to text Sakaeguchi an excuse as to why I can't talk to him before school tomorrow. My fingers instantly begin typing up a message. "I told you before Mizutani, go away!"
"Why?"
"I need to be left alone!"
"Do you really?"
"Yes!"
"Why do you need to be left alone? I'm just here to make sure you're okay."
"Don't be a dumbass. I'm not someone who deserves to be worried about," I say the last sentence without even yelling. I'm beyond frustrated though. My entire body is trembling like it did before, but for a different reason.
"No," Mizutani says sharply. He moves in front of me and grabs both my hands in order to prevent me from sending the text. This causes my cellphone to drop softly on the sparse grass. For a brief second I seethe; however, my anger stagnates when my eyes meet Mizutani's piercing gaze. His expression is an unusually intense combination of hurt and determination, and it's very alluring-too alluring for my liking anyway. A shiver runs up my spine as I am not used to him eyeballing me like this. You're such a pervert. It's gross that you're turned on by someone just holding your hands.
"Woah, Suyama was right," Mizutani commented, massaging his thumbs on the back of my hands. His face is softening to a more concerned expression, and his stubborn gaze still doesn't leave my face even though I'm purposely looking at everything but Mizutani. "Your hands are freezing."
"Huh? Suyama?" I question, momentarily confused. It just occurred to me that my hands are feel like they're almost burning in Mizutani's firm grasp. How did I miss that? Then I realize what Mizutani is talking about. I give a humorless laugh. "Oh right, I was holding Suyama's hand when we were doing Shiga's team meditation. God, I'm slow."
"Stop saying stuff like that!" Mizutani tells me strongly. His grip on my hands tighten. The way he says it makes it sound like he's furious, but he looks mournful.
You made him upset, like you do with everyone. A wave of guilt sets in, and I want to run away from Mizutani so that I don't hurt him anymore, but his forceful restraint on my hands won't let me. I ask him, trying to keep my voice from quivering, "What am I doing wrong?"
"No, you should be asking about what you are saying or thinking wrong, not what you are doing wrong," Mizutani states stiffly. His voice doesn't waver nearly as much as mine does. He's probably the stronger human being in this situation, and there are many reasons why that is.
"Saying or thinking something is doing something," I retort weakly. My voice almost comes out as a whisper. You're such a wimp. "Fine, what am saying and thinking wrong?"
"You need to stop being so hard on yourself. All practice you've been mumbling criticisms at yourself and looking defeated at every little thing. Every chance you get to insult yourself, you take it. Every time you make a mistake, some of them are not even a mistakes, you seem upset," Mizutani explains tensely. He's just trying to be niece. You deserve to be criticize, to be reprimanded, to be insulted. "Hey Izumi, what's wrong? You've seemed….I don't what the right word for is…depressed."
"Jeez, you are being way too nice to me," I grumble. My eyes are fixated on his hands in mine. I'm trying to think of a way to discreetly escape Mizutani's death grip. He's lying to you.
"What are you talking about?" Mizutani questions me. "I should be nice to you. Everybody should be nice you."
"No," I disagree firmly, somehow managing to loosen Mizutani's grasp on my hands. He has a better grip than I ever thought was possible. There's a strong urge inside me to breakdown and start sobbing, but I somehow keep it together. I give a forced smirk, mostly to myself. "I am a very crappy human being. You probably don't realize this since you don't seem to be capable of seeing the bad in people even if it socked you in the head, but….." I sigh. "It's true. I didn't realize it until yesterday when my older brother called me. He was trying to have a civil conversation and develop a decent relationship with me, and I just hung up on him, wanting him to hate me. Because I'm just that heartless. We've such a bad relationship our entire lives, thanks to me. I don't even bother trying to fix it. My entire family adores him because he's this amazing person. I'm a turd compared to him, and my family knows it; that's why they hate me," I pause so that I can think over what I just said. "Jeez, I sound jealous now. I don't want to blame my family's dislike of me on my brother. They most likely hate me because I am an ungrateful brat."
"Your family doesn't hate you," Miztuani declares gently. He's just being nice. "Your mom comes to every game, and it seems like she thinks very highly of you. I've met your dad too, and he doesn't seem like he hates you or anything."
"Ma is obligated to go to all the games, and Pa is just being polite. You should have seen Ma this morning. She looked like she wanted to strangle me. Seeing me every day probably sucked the life out of her." I brush off Mizutani's last comment. "Why should they like me anyway? I'm not anything great. My grades blah at best. My baseball skills have gotten worse. I couldn't even make it through an entire practice without passing out."
"You passed out because you were sick."
"Hah! Hey, keep telling yourself that if it helps you sleep at night," I chuckle self-depreciatively, subtly tugging at Mizutani's hands in an effort to escape is grip.
Mizutani shook his head and states with conviction, "You're a great player though."
"Could be better," I drawl. "I haven't been improving as much as should, and I've also made a lot of stupid decisions during practice and games. Although, I don't expect you to notice my lack improvement or errors because you're not supposed to. You focus on you. And that's not a bad thing. It doesn't mean you don't focus on the team as whole. In fact, you're a really good teammate who is nice to everyone, unlike myself obviously. I am an asshole to everyone. Even Tajima and Mihashi are keeping their distance from me. They act like I don't notice. Plus, everyone probably hates me even more after seeing me lambast Abe like that."
"Actually, most of the team was impressed that you have kept your cool with Abe for this long. You were bound to snap eventually and take your anger out on him. There have been times when Abe gets on your nerves, and you look like you want to mug the guy," Mizutani chimes in, trying to give me some reprieve from my self-loathing rant. "Nobody is mad at you. Abe is more embarrassed than anything, and Mihashi is just a little frazzled, I guess. Things should be fine if you just talk to them."
"Talking to people sucks. I'm not good with people, and people don't like me. That's the way my life goes," I mumble, not really caring if Mizutani can hear me or not. My chest tightens uncomfortably, signaling my body's need to cry. Finally, I pull my hands away from Mizutani's grasp, and his eyes widen in surprise at this. I then gradually back away from him, never feeling comfortable with the close proximity between us. Mizutani edges his way towards me, but I keep on moving farther back, creating more distance between us. You don't deserve him as a friend. Stay away from him. I feel a multitude of negative emotions taking over me, and I tell Mizutani, "Seriously, I told you before once already, go away! You know I don't deserve your pity. For both of our sakes, just leave!"
My chest clenches, and I start crying. The misery that I've been bottling up all day spills out. One of the reasons I wanted Mizutani to leave was so I could be left alone with my inevitable emotional breakdown. Through my blurry vision I can see Mizutani cautiously inching over to me as I continue to back away. He frowns before saying, "What? You expect me to hate you after all this? I'm not leaving you until I know you're okay."
"Well, you should hate me, and you should leave," I reply, surprised I'm not trembling. I wipe away some of the tears that were hazing up my vision with the heels of my hands. He doesn't know about your disgusting crush on him. He'll leave and hate you if he does.
I let Mizutani get closer to me until I can feel his warm breath on face. He probably just wants to give me a hug. Before he can though, I lunge forward, clutch his shoulders, and press my mouth over his. Mizutani's breathing hitches underneath the warm kiss, and his body kind of freezes up. As expected, he doesn't kiss back and tries to pull back away. However, I also expected him to shove me away, get angry, and leave, but instead he stares at me with a sorrowful expression and mutters, "was that you thought I should hate you? Is that why you wanted me to leave?"
"It should have been enough of a reason," I mumble as I rest my forehead onto his chest. I squeeze my eyes shut and cry even more heavily this time. "What is wrong with me? Don't say that there's nothing wrong with me. You know there is."
"Well, you're not a bad person like you think you are. You deserve friends, and you deserve to have people be nice to you. I've always thought you were great and kind of a perfectionist. I dunno," Mizutani softly explains. His arms envelope me in a warm hug so that I can weep on his shoulder. There's a lot of affection behind the hug, something I'm not used to. I vaguely remember having this kind of hug early in junior high with Ma. Since then, displays of affection weren't my thing, tight warm hugs included. They seemed too sappy. Although now, Mizutani's warm, affectionate hug is very pleasant. I wrap my arms around the left fielder's shoulder to gesture I don't want to him to let go. He tightened the hug and rests his chin on my shoulder. He whispers in my ear, "Maybe you're just getting stuck in your head and psyching yourself out, thinking things that aren't true and undervaluing yourself."
"Like Mihashi?" I sniffle.
It's difficult to hear what I'm saying due to the crying and speaking into Mizutani's shoulder, but he can hear me. Mizutani replies, "Sort of, but not really. You're obviously not as transparent as Mihashi and you probably don't have the social anxiety Mihashi has even though you don't like talking to people. Mihashi's problem seems to be more of an innate problem while yours seems to be this elongated panic attack, sort of like you're having a teenage midlife crisis."
"When in doubt, blame it on the damn hormones," I chuckle, but it comes out as kind of sob. In all honesty, I probably sound like a dying animal. My crying has diminished, but I still feel smothered with emotional baggage.
"That's not what I meant. But hey, if teenage hormones are contributing to the problem, you can blame them," Mizutani snorts in amusement. "I was thinking that your problem is related to you comparing yourself to your older brother and trying to be like him, and then it becomes a big failure if you're not. You also seem to be the textbook definition of a teenager who undervalues himself while growing up. Yes, before you say anything, I did learn about it in junior high health class. The class is as boring as it sounds." He then pauses for a brief minute, probably thinking. "Y'know overall I really don't know what you're going through. This is just my best unschooled guess. I probably don't know what I'm talking about."
"Meh, you're fine. Hearing you blab is making me feel better. I don't want professional help. It makes feel like a mental case," I inform him. My voice cracks, which might be from the crying. Fortunately, my emotional meltdown has worn off, but I don't pull away from Mizutani's hug. His arms are amazingly comfy, and feeling his steady heartbeat and breathing ebbs away my stress. Consequently, I'm mentally coming up with a scenario to tactfully get Mizutani to hug me again, preferably soon. Ultimately, instead of pulling away from him, I position my chin onto his shoulder and try to lean into him as close as possible without having to awkwardly straddle him. I then inquire, "So based on your unprofessional opinion, what should I do so that I don't freak out again?"
"You should just keep things simple. Take a step back, calm down, and talk people. It really seemed like you giving the entire team the cold shoulder during practice made things worse. So just talk, not about your feelings or anything specific, about what you just want to talk about. I don't think I was able to calm you down because I was knowledgeable and offered you great advice. I was able to calm you down because, to my surprise actually, you like hearing me talk. Sakaeguchi seemed to have a better read on what you were going through than I did. That's probably why he wanted to talk to you before class, and he suggested that you should talk it out with Abe and Mihashi tomorrow. In fact, most of the words of wisdom I gave from you was also from Sakaeguchi," Mizutani answers candidly.
"Pfff….figures. You sounded a bit too well-informed when you were talking to me. I'm not saying your dumb or anything. It's just, you're not Sakaeguchi. That guy has a superhuman ability at figuring people out. When did you two find the time to talk about me?"
"Throughout practice, mostly. He spoke to Hanai and me about you quite a bit while you were unconscious and then talked about you after you left the club room. He seemed really worried about you and was speaking to most of team about you quite a bit," Mizutani replied. I accidently let out a groan and begin to tense up when Mizutani mentions that Sakaeguchi was talking about me with the team behind my back. In response, one of Mizutani's hands starts rubbing soothing circles around my back. He assures me, "Don't worry, he didn't say anything bad or embarrassing. The team was pretty nice about it."
"So I guess I do have to talk to Sakaeguchi tomorrow…and Abe…and Mihashi…..and everyone," I mutter, relaxing a little bit.
"No, you can to whoever the hell you want. In fact, you can just talk me."
"Just you huh?"
"Just me."
I hum at that. Mizutani then tentatively rests his hands on my waist and leans back. It seems like he's trying to pull away from me, so I reluctantly attempt to separate from him. My arms unwind from his shoulders and my hands fall down along his arms. There's significantly less physical contact between us than there was shortly before, and I already feel hollow because of it. We're far apart enough to be able to see each other's faces again. Mizutani meets my eyes and he beams a little, giving me a captivating expression. Butterflies flap in my stomach, and my cheeks feel warm. Rather than breaking away completely from me, with his hands still on my waist, Mizutani leans in and gives me a soft kiss on the mouth. When I thought about having a genuine kiss with Mizutani, I thought it would be messy, hot, and heavy, with us grinding and being the filthy animals we are. However, this kiss is almost nothing like that. There's a lot of tenderness and endearment behind it. Fortunately, that's what I need right now. I melt into the kiss right away and lean forward to get closer to him and give him better access to my mouth. I squeeze his arms a bit too tight, possibly to the point of bruising, but Mizutani doesn't seem bothered. My whole being feels pleasantly warm, and I'm overjoyed by the love, rather than loneliness, I'm receiving.
After what feels like a minute, Mizutani pulls away from the kiss and gives me a quick peck on the nose. I want to blurt out, "I love you" right too his face, but saying that would be too soon for me since I almost never vocalize any sort of affection to anybody. I give him a brief hug instead and then lean back against the building of the club room behind me, hugging my needs like I did a little while ago. Mizutani seats himself right beside me with his legs crossed. I declare to him, "I'll talk to Sakaeguchi to tomorrow."
"Is there anything you plan on saying to him particular or are you going to speak off the cuff?"Mizutani asks. He looks over at me with a calm and casual countenance, as if he didn't kiss me just earlier.
I answer him as smoothly as I possibly can, feeling jittery from the kiss earlier, "I'll just speak off the cuff. My brain will think of something to say in the heat of the moment."
My fingers drum my knees loudly. For some odd reason, I feel agitated. Recovering from a breakdown is not as easy as I hoped. I'm also a little disturbed by how casual the atmosphere here is, especially after all that crying and the kiss. Mizutani notices my uneasiness and grabs one hand to stop my fingers from hitting my knees. His gives me some solace. He then questions, "Are you going to tell him about the kiss?"
I'm grateful that Mizutani pointed out the elephant in the room, because I was going to flip if he just pretends that kiss did not happen. In response to his question I reply, "Not a chance, Sakaeguchi is a gossiping mom. He's the last person I'm sharing that kind of information with. I don't want the whole school to be knowing about the scandalous story of two baseball teammates kissing behind the club room."
Mizutani bursts out laughing at this. My heart flutters at his enjoyment over this conversation. He then says, "Really?! He's that bad? I thought he'd be nice enough to keep that kind of thing to himself."
"You see? This is what I meant when I said you're not capable of seeing the bad in people," I reply, laughing a little along with Mizutani. "Sakaeguchi is a nice guy and all, but he's a chronic gossiper. He can't help himself. Secrets that are shared with him, no longer become secrets. Ask Hanai and Suyama; they'll attest to Sakaeguchi's gossiping problem. I'm actually surprised that you didn't know Sakaeguchi is a big gossiper because you're a victim of his gossiping."
Mizutani's eyes widen, and I let go of his hand. He then inquires with a warning tone in his voice, "Izumi, what did Sakaeguchi say about me?"
"I'm not giving that up. You're going to have to figure it out for yourself," I answer, smirking and wiggling my eyebrows suggestively. "It's some….fascinating stuff."
"So, the whole school knows about it?"
"No, I think it's just the team. Sakaeguchi showed an incredible amount of restraint on his part for only sharing your secret with just the team. You should be thankful. It could have been much worse."
"What did he say though?!"
"No no no no no no….I am not telling," I reply, laughing. Mizutani tries tackling me, but I stand up and sprint over to the direction of my bike.
Mizutani chases after me, trying to hold in his own laughter. He shouts at me, "No Izumi! You have no choice. You're going to tell me!"
"Is that a threat?!"
"Yes! What did secret did Sakaeguchi say about me?! Tell me!"
"Not happening Mizutani!"
I reach my bike first and glance over my shoulder towards Mizutani. Instead to catching up to me, he heads into the club room to get his bag. Initially, I wanted to get away from Mizutani once I reached my bike, but now that he's away from me, I suddenly want him to be by my side. He comes back and appears surprised that I'm patiently waiting for him on my own bike. He drops the idea of wanting to know what secret of his Sakaeguchi revealed. To be honest, I don't think he really cared about what Sakaeguchi was saying about him. Mizutani grins at me once he seats himself on his own bike and asks me, "You'll be okay, right?"
"What do you think?" I reply, beaming at him. "Yeah, I'll be okay."
You can easily mess this up. Truthfully, I don't think I'm okay right now. I feel incomplete. There's some things I need to do. I need to talk to Big Bro for one thing. However, later, I think I will be okay. At least, I'm feeling better, and that's all I really can ask for.