A/N:I'm back =) I just can't get enough of J/C! This is another two part story, purely because the length of these stories end up being ridculously long it's so much better reading them in two parts.
Janeways hair is still long like it was in the earlier seasons because I have only seen the first 3 seasons so far, so this is how I am accustomed to seeing her like.
Captain Kathryn Janeway had always been known to be rather stoical. Five years had passed since the Caretaker had brought them 70,000 light years away from home and it had since turned out to be a long and arduous journey to the Alpha Quadrant, one which they faced many challenges and overbearing obstacles, but still somehow they always managed to come through it in the end. Yes, they may have lost a few crew members along the way, but they remained strong and the Captain was the embodiment of just that...or so everyone thought.
Captain Janeway was the most reserved crew member of them all, she had a duty to serve and everyone knew and accepted that, but they all silently wished that she could be happy. Everyone aboard could sense that she was lonely, but Kathryn knew before she took her captaincy that, 'the life of a Captain is a lonely one,' but never did she realize just how very true it actually was. She now had to practice that belief at great cost to herself. Mark was no longer a possibility to arrive home to whenever or if ever they reach Earth, he had long moved on and in a way, so had she. Being the Captain had its privileges but it also had a downside, when considering by rank, you are superior to everyone crew member. Having friends was not something that Kathryn generally could have as freely as others could, though she would never say it aloud, she was secretly envious of her crew in that respect. It had been five long years and she was just realizing the genuine possibility that despite their efforts and her faith in her crew, they might never get home. Kathryn was quite possibly going to spend the rest of her life in the Delta Quadrant...alone.
It had always been Captain first and Kathryn second, but she had to admit that Kathryn was slowly slipping away after each passing day. Too many long nights, reports, crisises, crew to support and a ship to maintain, there was no room for much of a personal life anymore, if she ever had one to begin with, she couldn't ever remember the last time it was when she had any shore leave; suffice it to say, it had been that long.
Every once in a while she thought back to her first officer. How she thought that without him, she would have never made it this far. He was always there by her side, generously trying to shoulder some of the burden that she carried, ensuring that she eat a meal when she had been too preoccupied to even think about food or just give her a comforting smile every morning, which brightened up her day no matter what situation they were in. She had missed the close friendship they had, and even admitted sadly to herself the regret of not pursuing what was so close to happening on New Earth. She thought back to the memory again, he had opened his heart out to her and admitted feelings that she was shocked to know he had for her, it hadn't stopped there though, many occasions after, he had been right beside her again, discreetly loving her. She told herself that it wasn't a possibilty to explore any romantic feelings between them, because she had an obligation to her ship and to her crew and he respected that, but that didn't mean it didn't hurt. She knew she had feelings towards him also, but she wasn't sure what they precisely were.
This was the situation she found herself in everyday..."and that's how it should be, Kathryn," she told herself bringing herself out of her thoughts, stepping off the turbolift and entering the bridge to begin her morning shift, yet another day as the Captain.
A few days later,
One afternoon, Kathryn found herself working late yet again. Two hours after her duty shift had ended, Chakotay headed into her ready room like the good First Officer that he was, to hand her his reports for the day, as he came to the end his shift.
"Thank you, Commander," she took the PADD from him, barely looking up from the data on the monitor that she was staring meticulously at, whilst she took a sip of coffee which she cradled in her other hand. Always the same ol'e Kathryn, Chakotay thought, working well past her duty shift.
She finally looked up realizing that he wasn't leave, "Is there something else?" she questioned.
"Actually yes there is, Tom's set up a pool tournament tonight on the holodeck and we were all hoping you would join us? It wouldn't be a fair game without our reigning champ," he smiled.
"Thank you, but i'm afraid I can't tonight, i'm far too busy," she settled her focus again on the monitor before her.
Chakotay sighed heavily, "There's a reason I put an ending time on your duty shift, you know," his voice this time was not so calm but one out of concern, she just looked at him tiredly.
He paused for a moment, his hands clutched behind his back as he spoke, "Captain...you've been working too hard recently, you never appear on the bridge anymore, you have hardly used any of your holodeck time in months," her surprised look said it all, "Yes I know about that, we all do. You also haven't taken any shore leave in quite a while and quite frankly...as a friend, i'm worried about you," he ended conclusively.
Kathryn raised her eyebrows quizzically in suspicion as to where he was trying to go with this. Why was it that Chakotay was always the one to pick her up when she at times overworked herself? There was no doubt about it, he could see right through her and had certainly pointed it out to her a few times in the past, but this time it felt different, as though he was concerned for her on an entirely different level.
"Chakotay..." she said softly, turning off the screen of her monitor, looking at him into his deep brown eyes that once confessed his love for her, long ago. She could see the truth behind his words, she pinched the bridge of her nose and leant back on her chair, "Okay, fine, i'll go."
Chakotay smirked very smugly, having won the battle against the work obsessed captain, "Good, 1900, holodeck 1," he said swiftly turning to leave before she could take back her decision.
"I'll be there," Kathryn sighed, rubbing a hand tiredly down her brow, noting the the giddy expression on his face as he left, a small smile crept onto her face at this, but now looking in front of her at the stacks of PADDs she had piled on her desk, she frowned and wondered for a moment whether her decision to go to the holodeck with the crew that night was the right one, then she remembered the look on Chakotays face when she accepted his invitation and she knew that she had. She got up from behind her desk, walking across her ready room to recycle her now empty coffee cup, then for the first time that day, she took a break and sat down on her couch, taking a moment to gaze out into the stars, trying to figure out that perhaps it was about time that she better managed the separation between the double life she seemed to be living.
Later that Night,
The Captain true to her word had arrived on the holodeck to much of everyones surprise. Tom and Chakotay appeared to be finishing a game off together.
"Captain," Chakotay exclaimed he turned around seeing her enter.
Kathryn gave him an amused look, "Don't look so surprised, Commander."
"Come on Captain, it's time we settled this once and for all," Tom implied very self assured.
She raised an eyebrow and crossed her arms very Captain like across her chest, "You're on, Mr Paris."
"Brilliant, let's start shall we?" he said smugly, turning to Chakotay, "Commander, your stick!" he teased, which caused a fit of giggles to travel across the holodeck, the crew looked nervously away as they saw the displeased expression on the Captains face...if looks could kill, that would be it.
Kathryn tried not to look too embarrassed by the past remark she had made a few years ago at the start of their voyage, but secretly it was burning inside of her, she could have sworn if she hadn't learnt to manage her external feeling so well over these past few years, her cheeks would be as red as her command uniform.
After winning the round against Tom, much to his disappointment, she played a round with Chakotay who was thankfully and surprisingly more of a challenge than Tom was, and she liked that about him.
However things were not the same again for this round, a very unusual feeling swept over Kathryn, as she suddenly became flustered by Chakotays very presence, she even tried to hide a sudden jolt when his fingers brushed lightly over hers as she passed the pool cue over to him, by the time it came to her turn she had almost lost her cool, but when she went to hit the ball she quickly regained composure and sank the ball perfectly into the socket, if there was anyone who could work under such pressure it was her.
The feelings nonetheless kept manifesting themselves throughout the game and Kathryn tried in all earnest to keep them at bay, but every move he made, every smile and laugh only made her heart feel weak, she had to get out of there fast. After the tournament had ended, Kathryn had successfully managed to keep a hold of her title and when she had done so she quickly retired to her quarters for the night instead of staying to have a drink with the others, claiming that she was 'tired' which no one could really argue with, but they knew that it wasn't due to that and they watched with curiousity as she departed Sandrine's, leaving behind an aura of oddness.
"Is she alright?" Tom asked worriedly, leaning into Chakotay's shoulder.
"She fine, like the Captain said, she's just tired, you try being in her shoes!" he snapped at him defensively.
"Okay, don't need to tell me twice," Tom backed away, but before doing so he caught a glimpse of worry on his face. Poor Chakotay, he never was an expert at concealing his emotions, the man wore his love for her everywhere he went, clearly visible to all. If only she felt the same way, Tom sighed.
One week later,
"Captains log- We have come across a hospitable planet, home to a race called the Tilechans, they had kindly granted the crew some much needed shore leave upon their planet for a few days while we have traded medical supplies for dilithium, which they are by no means short of. The ambassador has organized a farewell party as Voyager prepares to depart in the morning. The planet strikes a remarkable resemblance to Earth, I must admit that it has been a long time since the crew and myself have felt so close to home, there is something about this visit that will make it undoubtedly hard to return back to our journey."
That night after the main festivities of the party had died down, Kathryn sat alone at the bar, subtly watching over her crew like a mother would watch over her children. She watched as her crew mingled with the Tilechans, more particularly she watched a certain tan skinned man, talking with Tom and B'Elanna. Kathryn watched him vigilantly, secretly eying him over the brim of her scotch, normally she wouldn't drink such hard liquor, but today she needed the added comfort that the effects of the alcohol provided her with. For one whole and endless week she had been battling a raging war inside of her, all because of one man, Chakotay. Kathryn was at a crossroad, unsure about whether or not she could admit her feelings to herself, let alone Chakotay, but ever since the pool tournament Kathryn could not help but think about nothing but Chakotay, and not in a First Officer capacity. It was beginning to affect her tremendously, she shook her head defeatedly, even she couldn't hide behind her Captain's mask forever. She may have had feelings towards Chakotay in the past, but up until now she hadn't realized the full extent of those feelings, where she realized that in all honesty, she flat out loved that man. Mark was long gone, the Alpha Quadrant was still a distant journey, she hadn't been able to accept that until now. She was alone in the Delta Quadrant and she loved her First Officer, what a predicament she had gotten herself into.
Chakotay knew that Kathryn had been acting strangely all week, being distant and uncommunicative to all the crew, but most especially to him, and he wasn't buying her usual 'i'm just busy Commander' excuse. No, he had said it many times before, Chakotay knew Kathryn, this was something different; it was as though she had something on her mind but couldn't say it.
Kathryn took a last swig of her scotch, setting the now empty glass down and headed out of the bar. Unbeknownst to her, Chakotay had been well aware of the fact that Kathryn had been watching him from the bar, no matter how discreet she may have tried to be. She didn't join in with any of the senior officers like she would normally do, but instead chose to isolate herself, yet another sign of her off-putting behavior. Yes, something was definitely wrong, he had given Kathryn time to work out her problems on her own that week. Kathryn was a solitary woman by nature on the ship, but enough was enough. When he saw that Kathryn had left from his peripheral vision he took a more obvious look in the direction of the bar, indeed she was no longer there, he finally decided that this was the perfect time to confront her, she was still on shore leave for a few more hours, none of them were confined to the parameters of their professional duty at this point, there was no escaping from it this time, no way but up.
Chakotay politely excused himself from his conversation with Tom and B'Elanna, whom he left looking perplexedly at each other by his sudden departure. He headed in the direction behind the bar and outside where he caught a glimpse of Kathryn in the distance strolling by herself along the sandy beach, he jogged across the beach catching up with her, she had a serene daze on her face, as though she was in deep thought, but she quickly snapped out of it when she saw Chakotay appear by her side, her expression turned to an almost panicked look, before she shook it away and replaced it with a professional look, one that she would never usually reserve for Chakotay, given that their relationship extended the parameters of any other crew member. He noticed this look and tried to retain an appropriate distance from her until he was sure that she wasn't uncomfortable.
Kathryn wore a light pale blue sundress, it hugged her curves modestly, neither showing too much nor too little, and fell to a appropriate length just above her knees which was held up by two thin spaghetti straps that showed off her flawless shoulders. Her long beautiful hair whipped lightly in the gentle breeze, skimming against her porcelain shoulders and cascading softly down her back. Kathryn seldom wore her hair down now days, usually only reserving such freedom for when she was not aboard Voyager, for unofficial business or pleasure which was so rare these days. The image before Chakotay was enough to cause his heart to stop just for a moment, because each time he saw her like this, her beauty and femininity caught him by surprise. At that point it was clear to him that she wasn't the Captain, but Kathryn, the women he had shared those precious weeks on New Earth with; the women he fell in love with back then.
Kathryn hadn't felt more at peace in a long time by being on this planet that so reminded her of home, but yet her heart was still heavy with such longing that she had denied herself of all these years, a longing that could not come from the comfort that Earth provided, the only thing she truly wanted at this point, was right beside her...
"Leaving the party so soon?" Chakotay finally spoke, taking her from her thoughts.
She tried to respond casually as to not give away her obvious heartache, "I guess i'm just not in the party mood, that's all," she shrugged.
Noticing that there was more than something up with her, he continued," Mind if I walk with you?"
She gave a simple head shake in response, still looking miles ahead of her, the two of them walked down the beach together, there was nothing ahead of them, just the beautiful sandy image of the beach which on the left separated into bush life that spanned into a high risen forest, which at the far distance met a cliff. The views were spectacular, the sky was not the same blue that Earth had, rather it was in a constant state of an orangey sunset spectrum despite it being only late afternoon, the nights were neither dark either but a more richer velvet red that casted a shaded glow over the planet that gave it an amorous sembalance.
They continued to walk for a few minutes along the beach in a comfortable silence, but after a few minutes had passed the wind began to pick up and Chakotay noticed Kathryn cross her arms over her chest, her hands rested on her forearms, sheltering them from the slight chill that the wind brought with it, she shivered slightly as another breeze blew over her exposed skin, but quickly ran a hand through her hair to try and hide it but it was already too late, Chakotay without a second thought took his coat off and drapped it gently over her shoulders.
She looked at him in the eyes for the first time since they began their walk together, her dainty lips curled into small smile of gratitude, "Thanks," she said in a soft voice that he hadn't heard in a long time, feeling the warmth that the coat provided.
Chakotay smiled back in return, he had taken his position a little closer to her now and slightly behind her in the subconscious male protective manner he had always been accustomed to. Taking a deep breath trying to pluck up the courage, he finally let it out with as much sincerity that he could manage.
"Kathryn, you've been acting strangely all week."
They continued Strolling casually across the beach, she was well aware of what Chakotay had just said, it wasn't a question in a literary sense, but she knew that it was one that implied an answer at the end.
Kathryn's name was rarely uttered aboard Voyager, in fact she would only usually hear it when she uttered it herself when making first contact. Chakotay was the only one afforded the liberty to call her by her first name, given what transpired between the two of them on New Earth and her insistence to call her by her name rather than her rank title, but even now it still caused butterflies to flutter in her stomach, as memories flashed in her head of a time much simpler than their present situation, a time where there were no alien threats, no crew to manage nothing but one man and one woman. Kathryn suddenly stopped walking and stood in her tracks, her hair now blowing freely in the breeze across her face, she couldn't keep these feelings harbored away forever, they were infesting her every thought.
She sighed, pulling a tendril of hair behind her ear and looked at him with her blue eyes shining into his deep brown ones. For once Chakotay could see an obvious difference, she appeared to be relaxed, well...as much as Kathryn could ever be, her sanctimonious stance was gone, it was just her, just Kathryn.
"I know, Chakotay..." she said, her head dropping almost defeatedly, unable to look him in the eyes anymore.
"Then what is it?" he responded gently, tilting her chin up so that she was looking at him and not at the sand bellow her.
When their eyes met again she once again saw the worried look in his eyes, a sign that he cared for her. She moved her face away from his touch, a hand went to the back of her neck as she rubbed it, trying to contemplate how she was going to start the speech that she had been so longing to say.
"I can't lie anymore..." her voice was almost at breaking point, but she kept it steady, "Not to myself or to you, Chakotay. It's been 5 years...5 years stuck in the Delta Quadrant because of me and my decision; It's one that I can never take back, nor would I ever do had I been given the chance again." She paused leaving time to collect her words, the silence was deafening. "But I do have a choice, one that I have been denying myself of for too long...and I know I don't deserve to even say this to you now, because God knows you have tried in the past...Chakotay, there's no other way say it, other than, I..." her words almost escaped her, but she finally found her voice, "I love you."
It hit him like a ship hit an iceburg and there was a elongated silence. Chakotay had accepted long ago that Kathryn was never going to have a relationship with him out here in the Delta Quadrant, and return those feelings he so evidently felt for her. He always loved her, and cared for her immensely, but at this moment all he felt was caught off guard. He had spent years trying to bury the hatchet, bury those feelings deep down, only for Kathryn now wanting them to be resurfaced. He knew that she had the potential to hurt him again like she had done so in the past, whats to say that this was any different now? But yet again, Kathryn had never admitted her feelings so openly to him before. Chakotay was downright confused, so many things were running through his head, he honestly was at a loss for words, then finally he sighed and looked back at her. She looked terrified, like a fragile piece of china.
"Kathryn...I..." he said slowly fumbling his words. His tone of voice was low with an undertone of sadness, she could sense it coming, but he couldn't finish, he couldn't find the rest of the words to his sentence.
For a few moments Chakotay just stood there like an ass, just blinking and looking at her with utter confusion plastered on his face. Kathryn's eyes began to glisten with moisture, a few stray tears made themself known to him as they fell from her eyes, trickling lightly down her cheeks, I'm too late she thought. She simply noded in understandment, taking this as a sign of rejection. Very slowly she slipped the coat off her shoulders and took a step forward closing the gap between them and pushed the coat to his chest, which he gripped. They locked eyes for a final moment, her eyes still in a pool of newly unshed tears, she then turned promptly and ran away into the bush life, a hand covering her mouth to silence her cries as she retreated from a heartbreaking situation in a very uncaptain like manner.
Chakotay was too stunned about what had just occurred in the past few minutes that he just watched the woman he couldn't admit to at that time, but still loved, run away in utter rejection.
"Idiot!" he chided himself angrily, kicking the sand beneath his feet, picking up a rock and throwing it as far as it would go, until it landed into the sea. He sat down and rubbed his forehead in frustration, hanging his head low between his knees. There was no doubt about it, of course he loved her, how had he just failed her like that? It took a lot for Kathryn to admit that to him, he could tell. It wasn't as easy for her as it was for him, forgetting the tremendous burden she has to carry with her throughout their entire journey. At the end of the day, he was the First Officer and she was the Captain, there could be no comparison to her dedication and committment to her job to any other member on the ship, he had said that in not so many words to Tom the other week, trust him to forget his own counsel. He had never known her to run away from anything, given the choice, she always chose to fight and confront no matter what, which was what disturbed him even more about her retreat.
Chakotay could handle hurt, but Kathryn had just about too much hurt in her life, she couldn't handle it like Chakotay could, despite her best efforts to be strong. He had really hurt her this time and what pained him the most, was the fact that this time it was different, he hadn't hurt the Captain, he had hurt Kathryn.
Kathryn was due back on Voyager in about four hours, hopefully by then she would be calm enough to be able to hear him out. He had really screwed up, remembering the tears the fell from her eyes, for she rarely cried, but for the time being he decided that the best thing to do was to allow her some space, he owed her that much.
Kathryn Janeway was in excellent physical form, athletic and lean, she had even on occasion given Chakotay a run for his money at Hoverball. She ran just as far as her feet could carry her before she finally gave in and collapsed to her knees on the solid dirt ground in a clearing. She had never done anything so perilious, putting her heart out on the firing line only to have it shot to pieces. Her sobs and cries tore through her, how could she go back and face him? face the crew and go on pretending that she was the heart and soul of Voyager, when all she felt at this moment was unspeakably empty.
She sat on the cold the forest floor, letting the tears pour freely from her eyes and let every thought and emotion run through her until she could cry no longer and simply let the silence speak for her. Eventually she pulled herself together with enough strength she could muster to stand up though however shaky her legs felt. She wipped the tears that had dried across her cheeks away and tried to regain her vision again, once her eyes had cleared up. Then just as she did so, she looked around at her surroundings and finally realized just how lost she was. She had been gone for more than an hour she could only presume, this gave her plently of time to get lost, nothing was familiar to her, the trees all looked the same, there was no form of path where she had run just a vast expanse of trees and bush life.
Kathryn headed down the slight slope of the hill, until the clearing widened further around to reveal the edge of the cliff she had seen in the distance that day. She honestly didn't think she had come so far, but in her state of despair she had done just that. She was miles away, certainly far from the main village area, if she wasn't so upset she would be rather impressed with herself.
A cold breeze blew past, she took a deep breath, she couldn't stay there forever, what choice did she have? She had to be back on Voyager in roughly two hours, who knows how long it would take her to get back. She continued to walked further down the slope on the hill until some sort of pathway made itself known to her, she had two choices, one was a little precarious by its slippery dry dirt and loose gravel rocks, the slope was slanted quite steeply where as the other followed a more greener, forest approach down a winding trail that looked as though it could stretch on for some distance.
It wasn't a hard choice for her, the alien who had impersonated her father all those years ago had been right, "If there was a rocky path and a smooth one, you chose the rocky one every time."
She hadn't anticipated the strong winds that had inevitably picked up more after her decent down the side of the cliff, they became more harsher and stronger with every passing minute, making Kathryn's balance unsteady. She almost reached the flat surface that lead into the bush life, when a gusty wind forced Kathryn too close to the edge of the narrow path, she suddenly felt it crumble beneath her, she tried to grab a hold of something, anything, but that too went with her as she found herself plummeting into a rocky pit several feet bellow her, hitting the ground with a hard thump. The rocks from the cliff face crumbled down on top of Kathryn, pinning her legs beneath them, a trickle of red blood ran down her face from the side of her brow, a vision of blurriness was all she saw until that vision became overtaken by black emptiness.
To be continued...
I'm going to leave you with a cliffhanger...so R&R and i'll post the last chapter up when I'm done with it.