A children's television studio. Four Teletubbies gesturing to eachother, their colours yellow, red, lime-green, and purple.
There's a low, strange hum. It sounds like speed and the future and being extreme. The Teletubbies stop what they are doing, look at eachother. It's hard to tell from the blank expression of a Teletubby, but they appear concerned about the noise.
"We're going to have to retake this, everyone," the director says. The crew nearby start to adjust their equipment, getting ready to reshoot. "Ignore the noise, we can dub the voices later. We need to finish filming today."
There's a huge crash as a wall explodes, and the source of the hum launches into view through the wall at full speed. It's a futuristic two-wheeled vehicle called a Duel Runner, specially-designed for high-speed, high-stakes Yu-Gi-Oh! duelling.
The Duel Runner rider is Shrek, a giant green ogre. He's wearing a huge grin, a black fedora, black sunglasses, and a black-and-white suit and vest combo. Shrek has a gunkatana on a scabbard strapped to his back, a weapon combining the superior Japanese manufacture of a quality katana – metal folded no less than a thousand times – with the practicality of a firearm.
Shrek leaps up so he's standing on the seat, leaps once more into the air with a perfectly-executed summersault, and mid-summersault, unsheathes and fires his gunkatana at his Duel Runner. Below him, he could see the Teletubbies had all thrown themselves to the ground, away from the Duel Runner's path. The film crew were all fleeing the building, leaving the Teletubbies behind.
The Duel Runner explodes near the Teletubbies, flies past them and into the wall with a terrific crash, still smoldering.
The set back-drop is ruined. The floor is scorched. The Teletubbies are singed from the explosion of the Duel Runner. And, worst of all, filming will definitely not be finished today.
Shrek lands on his feet with a thud. He stands up, raises his gunkatana with his right hand, framing his face so, front-on, the blade divides the face in half. Shrek then tips his fedora with his left hand, a sign of respect given by Shrek to his opponents before a fight – the smouldering Duel Runner in the studio wall had just been his way of getting everyone's attention.
The Teletubbies stood up, formed a tight-knit melee combat formation. "You bring embarrassment and shame to the colour green, Dispy," Shrek said. Dipsy is the green one, if Shrek's challenge doesn't make this obvious. Shrek slashes at the air with his gunkatana so it points downwards and to the ground on the right. "There's only room in this world for only one jolly green giant, and that's me."
Each teletubby forms a different action pose. "Teletubby Powers Activate!" they shout in unison.
"What does that mean, you hold hands and sing?" Shrek says sarcastically.
There's a brilliant flash where the Teletubbies are standing, and they vanish.
Shrek stands still for a moment, trying to work out what to do next. It's hard to fight an opponent that just vanishes.
"Well, that's different," Shrek said.
"Mega Teletubby Defender Attack: Fisting of Love!" he hears shouted from outside, booming through a microphone. It's a confident female voice.
"It's Fist of Love." This voice is quieter, male.
"That's what I said, right?" Female voice again, unsure of herself.
"You said Fisting, not Fist. The two are rather different."
"Is it?"
"Oh, yeah, it is."
"Ah, okay," the female voice responded. "I'll try to practice it. Cantonese is my first language, after all." There's a pause. "Mega Teletubby Defender Attack: Fist of Love!"
A giant white metal fist, presumably of the loving kind, comes through the roof of the building, aimed straight at Shrek. He realized what had happened – the Teletubbies had combined their Teletubby powers and summoned their giant mech, Mega Teletubby Defender, to fight Shrek. Shrek rolled out of the way of the fist of the robot, felt and heard the impact of the fist as it punched through the floor.
Shrek ran for the fist that had hit the ground. He leapt up and began to run up the arm as it started to rise, running towards the mecha head, not yet visible thanks to the roof of the studio. Shrek's plan was dangerous and foolhardy, and yet every other option available to Shrek was even more dangerous and foolhardy than this. Shrek wasn't much for planning anyway.
Shrek dropped down on his back, using his forward momentum to slide through the gap between the roof and the arm of the mech, and then launched himself upright again.
Now Shrek could properly see how big a problem he was facing right now. Mega Teletubby Defender was about forty metres tall, and shaped like a giant Teletubby. It's not something you want to be confronted with after threatening to kill one of them. It had crouched down to punch Shrek on the ground, and it's misshapen design told Shrek that it could break apart into multiple, smaller and faster opponents if he damaged one part of the mech. Four machines for four Teletubby pilots.
A booming jet engine sound made Shrek glance to his left. It was his friend Batman approaching in his Batplane. The plane was black, his signature colour, and shaped like a stealth bomber that had mated with a bat. "Shrek, my friend," Batman's broody, gravelly voice boomed over the loudspeaker, "I can't stay for long. Take my jetpack. Defeat the Teletubbies for me."
Shrek raised his hand, gave a thumbs up to his good friend Batman as he zoomed past.
The Batplane zoomed past, released a jetpack out of its cargo hold. Batman had released slightly too late, though, and Shrek had to leap off the arm of the mech and out into the air, otherwise he would lose Batman's jetpack. He knew he'd never hear the end of it from Bruce Wayne if he didn't.
"Sorry about that, Shrek. We'll chat later," Batman said, as his plane flew past, off on Batman's eternal quest to fight crime and brood.
Shrek had leapt off the arm entirely to catch the jetpack, and was falling towards the ground. He sheathed his gunkatana, not wanting to risk injuring himself on its honed edge, grabbed the jetpack. Shrek didn't have time to put the jetpack on. Instead, he held the jetpack close, aimed it away and downwards, and fired its jets. It helped to slow the fall to the ground.
Shrek hit the ground, holding the jetpack in tight, rolled away from the arm he had jumped down from. He stood up, bruised, his classy outfit all scratched up. He had saved his gunkatana and his new jetpack, and, more importantly, his fedora was okay. Shrek turned to the mecha that the Teletubbies piloted, now standing upright, towering far above him.
As Shrek slipped the jetpack on, the mecha turned its right arm at him, the barrels of its machinegun swinging towards him. "Mega Teletubby Defender Attack: Justice Symphony!" The female voice cried out, over the loudspeaker.
Once the jetpack was on, he launched himself at the mecha, tweaking his launch so it was slightly to the left, away from whatever the Justice Symphony might turn out to be.
The Justice Symphony turned out to be an extended blast of machinegun fire, firing where he had been standing. A quick glance and he saw that the bullets were nearly as large as he himself was.
There was yellow flash almost out of Shrek's sight, he instinctively ducked and weaved away back to the left, turned to look at the source. It was his mortal enemy, Timmy from Passions, in the sky, riding Big Bird. Timmy from Passions wore white gloves, a striped long-sleeve shirt, overalls, had his hair parted in a way that would have been in fashion back in 1956. He held his own gunkatana, pointed at Shrek. And Big bird, well, Big Bird was a giant yellow canary, soaring through the air.
The symphony of the Mega Teletubby Defender's machine gun died down. It readjusted its arm towards Shrek and Timmy from Passions.
"I have to hand it to you, Shrek," Timmy said, "a gunkatana is a terrific weapon. I'm looking forward to killing you with one." Timmy didn't give any warning, he simply raised his gunkatana and fired, but Shrek barely veered away in time. Timmy's attack was not fluid or instinctive enough, he was still learning how to use the weapon. Timmy from Passions urged Big Bird to fly higher, chasing Shrek, angling for a perfect shot with his gunkatana. Big Bird's powerful wing beats were enough to keep up with Shrek's jetpack, but Shrek kept weaving and strafing, making that shot too difficult, trying to gain as much height as possible.
"Today's death is bought to you by the letter D," Big Bird said in a cheerful voice.
"Goddamn it!" Shrek said angrily, circling the mech while zooming away from Timmy. "How are you still alive?" Shrek risked a glance back at the towering mecha, as he zoomed around its right shoulder. He didn't want to be surprised by the Defender while dealing with Timmy if it suddenly decided to stop choreographing its moves in advance.
"You really think you can kill me?" Timmy said. He then surprised Shrek by laughing. Shrek wasn't sure whether the laughter was in good humour or if it was because Timmy was insane. Perhaps it was both. Then the humour left, and Timmy was back to his obsessive voice. "I'm the star of Passions, Shrek. No-one dies without the writers saying so."
"You've gone mad."
"What you think is irrelevant. I want to kill you, then I want to go back to Harmony to spend time with my friends."
Timmy raised his gunkatana, aimed at Shrek and fired again. There was a moment where Timmy used the gunkatana as a sight, it was too slow in a fight against such a skilled combatant as Shrek. He released the nozzle of his jetpack momentarily, losing height but evading Timmy's line-of-fire, ruining the shot.
Shrek realized he was in a rather dangerous situation. He had to deal with his mortal enemy, Timmy from Passions, while in the middle of fighting the Mega Teletubby Defender. All while dealing with a jetpack whose fuel was lessening every moment of use.
Having circled around the Defender, Shrek landed on the left shoulder of the mech, and used it to launch himself towards Timmy and Big Bird. Not using his jetpack, but instead jumping. Timmy, momentarily stunned by this sudden attack, tried to turn his grip for a shot into a parry, but his inexperience with the gunkatana meant the twist was too clumsy and slow. Not using the jetpack meant Shrek could use both hands to cleave through Big Bird's right wing with a powerful blow, after which he pulled and twisted his gunkatana to shoot Big Bird in the neck. Shrek then depressed the trigger of his jetpack to minimize altitude loss, beneath Big Bird so Timmy did not have line-of-sight on Shrek.
Big Bird tried to hold himself in the sky, but the strain of holding himself up proved too much. The right wing tore off as Big Bird fell out of the sky, bleeding profusely from his neck and severed wing. As Timmy fell in his cursed doll body, he fired wildly at Shrek with his gunkatana, obviously hoping to take Shrek down with him, if only through luck. One bullet got Shrek in the leg, another puncturing his jetpack fuel tank. The leg wound was minor, the jetpack puncture a more pressing problem. Shrek didn't have time to see if he had truly managed to kill Timmy, he had to deal with Mega Teletubby Defender and his loss of fuel.
Shrek quickly discarded the idea of trying to land on the shoulders or the head of the mecha, he had lost too much height in his battle against Timmy. Shrek let himself fall to the ground, occasionally letting out bursts from his jet to retard the speed of his fall.
He landed on the ground in an ungainly fashion. Timmy's intervention meant that Shrek was back to where he started, but now with a jetpack that was nearly useless, and he had nothing else except his gunkatana, his fedora and his battered clothes to take on the Defender. Shrek took off his jetpack, threw it at the Teletubby mech. He fired with his gunkatana as he did so.
The jetpack explosion was small and pathetic, barely scratching the surface of the mech.
Shrek was running out of options. He might have to start getting serious about this fight if this kept up.
Mega Teletubby Defender had finished swivelling about its waist. It's machinegun was trained on Shrek again, and this time, Shrek stood there.
"Mega Teletubby Defender Attack: Justice Symphony!" the female voice rang out again.
The symphony of bullets rang out again. One note of the symphony came straight at Shrek. He set himself so that one foot was behind him, and one foot was in front, put his arms out. He wrapped his arms around the bullet, felt himself pushed back. The force slowed, then stopped.
Shrek had successfully caught the bullet.
Shrek tossed it so it faced the opposite way with a casual flip, then threw it savagely back with a corkscrew spin at the Defender. Instead of using a mechanical gun, he was using the guns that nature had gave him. The bullet ripped a huge hole straight through the leg, and into the skyscraper behind the mecha. In spite of the gaping hole running through the mecha leg, it didn't topple over.
Shrek ran at the mech, sheathing his sword as he ran closer. He reached the leg, pounded the metal in at two different spots with his left and right fist, slightly above head height, and used the indents to get purchase and throw himself up the leg, grabbing onto the circular rim caused by the bullet's impact. He hauled himself up and inside the mecha.
Inside the robot were a mess of wires and cable and no clear way to enter the cockpit of the mecha, but that didn't matter. Shrek started punching the metal leg with his fist, his fury and ogre strength coming together into one furious whole. Every punch knocked out a small section of the metal, caused the circular hole to become bigger and more oval.
There was a very slight creak, of metal starting to strain itself. Shrek kept punching. There was a louder, more ominous creak, but Shrek continued to punch the metal.
The metal in front of him buckled slightly. He didn't have to be an expert metallurgist to know that the mech was in some trouble.
Shrek took this as his cue, he leapt out of the mecha, landed on the ground with a roll, then sprung up with a backwards twist to see the mecha crash into a skyscraper. He could see that the second skyscraper also had severe structural damage.
He pulled out his gunkatana and walked up to the cockpit area of the mech. He could see the teletubbies trying to vainly escape the mecha. Dipsy looked straight at Shrek.
"You shamed the colour green, Dipsy," Shrek said. "That cannot abide." He raised his gunkatana and fired four times, once for each pilot inside the cockpit. Justice was served.
Shrek walked away from the toppled Mega Teletubby Defender, off to his next adventure.