This is a send up of that TLC reality show 19 Kids and Counting, which was about a very large Christian family. Offscreen, the oldest son was accused to molesting one or more of his sisters and was later found to have an Ashley Madison account. I forget the details, but I always hated that damn show and I wanted to make fun of it. And no, it's no their faith I didn't like, they were just irritating.
A man stands in the middle of what looks like a stage. He is painfully handsome with perfect hair and teeth and dressed in a stylish suit. His eyes are crystalline blue and when he smiles, his face lights up. "Hi, I'm Flagg1991 and this is A Present Event. Six months ago, our camera crew spent a week with the Loud family of Royal Woods, Michigan, a unique people with an unfailingly optimistic outlook on life. We discovered, however, that there was more to them than meets the eye. In the following TV special, you will meet Lynn Loud Sr., Rita Loud, and their eleven children, and you will see that sometimes, what you see is not what you get."
The scene changes. A white house against the pink morning sky. A van sits in the driveway and toys litter the front lawn. Inside, multiple shots of the Louds in their beds: Lincoln, Lori, Luan, Lynn, and Lucy.
For the Loud family of Royal Woods, Michigan, a typical day is anything but.
Lori, Leni, Luna, Lola, and Lana stand in line for the bathroom. Inside, Lynn brushes her teeth, Luan brushes her hair, and Lucy showers, steam rising from behind the curtain.
In the kitchen, a line forms next to the island and Lynn Sr. hands each of his children a lunch box and kisses them on the forehead.
For one, the Louds are devout Christians.
The Louds in church, standing up from their pews, rising the hands into the air and swaying back and forth to There Is Power in the Blood.
Lynn Sr. standing at a podium and addressing the congregation while the seated choir looks on. He wears reading glasses and a robe.
43-year-old Lynn Sr. is a decon at the First Methodist Church of Royal Woods, where he also teaches Sunday school and heads the youth ministry program.
Lynn standing over a boy seated at a table, a Bible open in front of him; his hand is on the boy's shoulder and he nods. "Very good, Ethan."
Lynn and Rita sitting side-by-side in front of a pale blue backdrop, microphones pinned to their shirts. "God has been very good to us, and I believe in giving back where I can," Lynn says with a deep nod. "As Christians, it is our duty to be Christ's light on earth."
The Louds gathered at their dining room table, the evening meal laid out before them; their heads are bowed and their hands folded in prayer. At the head, Lynn says grace. "We thank you, Father, for the food we are about to eat and for all the blessings you have bestowed upon us today."
For another...they have eleven children.
The Loud kids lined up from youngest to oldest, some smiling nervously, others waving. Leni bends one knee and beams while Lily looks around in confusion, perhaps wondering who all these strange people in her house are.
Each with their own distinctive personality.
Lisa sits in a chair before a backdrop, her arms crossed. "I personally gravitate toward agnosticism. Having said that, the intricacies of the universe suggest intelligent design of some sort."
Lola and Lana sitting side-by-side in front of the same backdrop. Lola wears a pink dress and a crown and Lana a pair of overalls and a red cap. "I want to be in beauty pageants," Lola says...then crosses her arms and pouts, "but my parents say they're an 'ode to vanity.'"
Beside her, Lana grins. "I eat bugs."
Lucy and Lynn. "Sinners will be cast into the fires of hell," Lucy says in a flat monotone, "where they will burn for all eternity. Their flesh will melt from their bones, their eyes will seep down their faces, maggots will eat their tongues and they will thirst but never drink, hunger but never eat. It will be torture." The corners of her mouth twitch up as though torture pleases her.
Lynn rolls her eyes. "I play sports. Not competitively since that's a sin, but just for fun. Your body is your temple, so it's important to stay fit and active. You can't get up and praise God if you're a big fat slob in a wheelchair."
Next is Lincoln: He smiles widely. "My favorite evanglist is Joel Olsteen. His message of positive thinking through Christ really resonates with me. Like he says, 'choosing to be positive and having a grateful attitude is going to determine how you're going to live your life.' I choose to live mine as a servant of Christ and of man."
Luna and Luan. "We're all given a gift a birth," Luan says, "and mine is comedy." Luna turns her head away and snorts, earning a scolding look from her sister. "My siblings don't appreciate humor the way I do. Sometimes they tell me they've had enough, and I say 'help yourself, there's plenty more!'" She laughs and holds her hands to her stomach as though to keep her sides from splitting.
Luna props her elbow on the arm of her chair and rests her face in her upturned palm. She looks bored. "I play music," she says, "like Switchfoot and Relient K stuff." She nods and purses her lips. "Yep. That's me."
Finally, Lori and Leni. "I, like, still don't know how we can eat Jesus's body and it's not his body but it is but isn't," Leni says. She touches her finger to her chin and rolls her eyes to the ceiling. "Like...it turns into his body but…" a glazed look creeps into her eyes.
"As the oldest," Lori butts in, "it's always been my responsibility to help guide my siblings and foster their spiritual growth. It's literally the hardest job ever because I'm terrified of failing them." She glances at Leni and sighs.
Having such a large family presents a host of challenges.
Luan knocks insistently on the bathroom door, jumping from one foot to the other. "Hurry up, I need to go really bad."
Lincoln walks to the stove to make himself a plate but all of the food is gone. "Oh well," he says with a shrug, "I'm just glad my sisters ate."
The kids gathered around the TV. "I wanna watch The 700 Club," Lori says.
"Well I wanna watch Veggie Tales," Lola retorts, her hands going to her hips.
"There's a new Mark Lowry comedy special on CTN," Luan says, "I asked to watch it in advance, so it's only fair that I get to."
Lynn and Rita sitting in front of the backdrop again. Rita laughs. "Things can get hectic at times. They're all good kids but kids after all, so there are fights and arguments. One time Lincoln figured out the best spot in our usual pew at church and offered it to his sisters. They all wanted it and they nearly came to blows." She laughs again. "They're always digging through the couch cushions for change to put into the collection plate, and if one of them finds some, the others are right there. "
Each day starts with a trip to school.
The Louds crammed into the van, Lola and Lana bickering over the best cartoon (Lola saying it was Veggie Tales, Lana adamant that it was Bibleman), Luna nodding to the music filtering through her headphones, Lucy reading a book called Hell and Damnation.
Rita in front of the backdrop. "We did homeschool, but we decided that it would be good for the children to get out and associate with other kids their age."
"Was there any specific reason for that decision?" someone asks from off camera.
Rita shakes her head a little too quickly. "No. We just figured it would be good for them to socialize and experience the world. We didn't want to coddle them."
Lana in front of the backdrop now. "We're not supposed to talk about it," she says seriously.
Leni. "Well, like, Dad said Lynn and Lincoln were getting too close and they needed to, like, meet boys and girls to court or something."
While the kids are in school, Lynn Sr. stays home and keeps house while Rita works as a real estate agent.
In the kitchen, Lynn wears a frilly pink apron and scrubs a pot while music plays from a radio on the counter. He rocks back and forth on his heels and wiggles his hips. "We made the conscious decision to subvert gender roles," he intones over the scene. It cuts to his face. "We're all children of God and we don't believe in one being over the other. In a way you can say that both Rita and I are married to Jesus. He's the head of the household."
At Royal Woods High, the oldest Loud daughters struggle to fit in with their peers.
Lori sits at a table in the cafeteria praying over her tray while a group of girls walk by and snicker.
"It's difficult sometimes," she says, "but I don't feel persecuted or anything. It's one thing to be laughed at but another to be beaten and hung from a cross like many actual martyrs." She nods, then looks sadly down at her lap. "It still doesn't feel very good."
Leni is laughed at too...only in her case it's for walking into a door.
The only one to have adjusted well is Luna...depending on your definition of well.
"Luna has fallen under the influence of some not so great people," Rita says haltingly.
The scene cuts to Luna sitting at a table surrounded by other teens, including a blonde girl with a blue streak in her hair. "That's Sam," Luna says into the camera and steals a longing look at her friend, "she's, uh, she's really great." She lets out a dreamy sigh.
"We expected this," Lynn says, "from one or more of our children. I feel like we've given them…" he makes a circular gesture with his hands… "a-a good foundation. With the older ones, we felt that it was time to set them free and let them stand on their own...spiritually speaking. They're old enough to make their own decision in that regard."
Luna drops onto the edge of her bed, pulls open her nightstand drawer, and takes a CD case out. "Sam said this is her favorite album so I went out and bought it," she says with a knowing little grin, "when I first heard it, my head exploded. It was so unlike the stuff I usually listen to it was like a culture shock." She laughs. "I like it, but I feel kind of guilty, you know? Like Jesus is looking down at me and frowning." She holds the case up. AC/DC. HIGHWAY TO HELL. On the cover, the band is clustered around, flames framing them. One has Devil horns poking out of his forehead and a pitched tail in his hand. Luna looks at it, then up at the camera. "It's kinda cool, though."
Of the eleven Loud children, six are currently experiencing the raging hormones that come with puberty. This is where things get interesting.
"I believe in waiting until I'm married," Luan says resolutely. "Everyone has impure thoughts, though, and it can be hard, as a girl, to not indulge them."
"You have impure thoughts?" someone asks behind the camera.
Shamefaced, Luan nods. "Everyone does. We're all human and we all fall short of the grace of God."
"...about your brother?"
Luan's face drops. "N-No! God, that's...that's terrible. I-I-I would never think like that about Lincoln."
A dense line in front of the bathroom, Lincoln at the end in only his underwear. Luan walks up and falls in behind him, her eyes caressing his bare back and her cheeks flushing. She licks her lips and exhales a deep, shivery breath through her nose.
Lincoln.
"You're quite popular among your sisters," someone says offscreen.
Lincoln smiles. "Well, I hope to be. They're my family, after all; I wouldn't want to be unpopular."
"Especially your older sisters."
The light in Lincoln's eyes flickers like a wind-harangued candle. "W-Well, among all of them, really."
In the backyard, Lynn wrestles Lincoln to the ground and mounts him, her hands pinning his wrists to the ground. "You gotta be quicker than that, bro," she laughs. He thrashes and she flattens her body against his to keep him in place. Their eyes lock, and they stare profoundly at each other, their breathing suddenly deep and their faces blushing.
Lori and Lincoln sitting side-by-side at the dining room table during family Bible study time. Lori scoots casually closer to her brother and presses her knee against the outside of his leg. He glances up, and she smiles tightly.
"Our children have always been very close," Lynn says, "it's really a blessing. Often siblings aren't as tightly-knit as Lincoln and the girls. My own family was very distant, so seeing them being loving and affectionate is very heartwarming."
Leni sits back against the arm of the couch with her feet in Lincoln's lap; he rubs them deeply, his chest rising and falling rapidly. "That feels really good, Lincy," she purrs.
"Our relationship is completely normal," Luan says nervously. "We're just very close, that's all."
Another day in line, Lincoln at the end, wearing only his underwear. Luan comes up behind him, looks him up and down, and swallows thickly. Her hands twitch, and for a moment she looks undecided...then she puts them on Lincoln's shoulders. "M-Morning, Linc."
"Good morning," Lincoln says easily and leans his head against one of her hands like a loving cat, "how did you sleep?"
"G-Good." She licks her lips, then starts to run her hands down his chest. Grinning evilly, he leans his back against her, and her breath catches. Her face is blazing now as her palms slide slowly over his chest, her fingers trembling. She pants heavily, her eyes wide and her jaw slack as if in wonder. Her hands move over his quivering stomach and the front of his underwear twitches.
"I help all of my sisters," Lincoln says, "Jesus washed the feet of his disciples and we, as Christians, should do the same for each other."
He sits next to Lynn on her bed; her face is white, drawn. "I-I need you to pray with me."
"Of course," Lincoln says. He takes her hand, and it's clear from the look on her face that her heart skipped a beat...or ten.
They bow their heads and pray, and when they are done, Lynn flashes a wan smile and lifts his hand to her lips. "Thank you," she says and kisses his knuckles, her lips lingering too long to be sisterly, her nostrils flaring as she drew the scent of his skin into her nose.
"I've always taught my girls that masturbation is a sin," Rita says, "if you fornicate in your heart, you might as well have done it for real."
A hidden camera reveals Lori lying in bed and staring up at the ceiling, the covers pulled half way up her stomach, her hands laced on top, lending her the appearance of a corpse in a coffin. Her face is beet red and her eyes are hazy, unfocused; she shifts and inhales sharply. She drums her fingers on the back of her hand.
"I do my best not to think impure thoughts," her voice says over the scene. "Of course, sometimes it happens, and when it does, I pray."
She closes her eyes and her lips begin to move silently.
"I outrun them," Lynn says, a smile crossing her face.
In the backyard, she dashes from one end to the other, her face red and her muscles trembling. At one point, Lincoln comes out and she sees him; her eyes dart away. The expression on her face said he was the last person she wanted to see.
"We've never done anything," Luan says defensively.
Another hidden camera. Luan sitting on the edge of her bed with her hands folded in her lap and her thumbs twiddling. She's blushing and her face is twisting as if in pain. Lincoln is next to her, his hands in his own lap. "I-I just need you to pray with me," she says.
He nods and looks at her. "About what?"
She hesitates. "I, uh, I'm...I'm having impure thoughts again."
Lincoln hums.
"I feel so dirty," she says and bows her head. Lincoln slips his arm around her shoulders and draws her close; she stiffens and her breath catches. "Don't. It's natural. God gave us these feelings for a reason." The corners of his mouth turn up in a predatory smile that Luan doesn't see. "I have them too."
"Really?" she asks uncertainly.
"Yep. I…" he trails off. "Never mind."
She looks up at him, her brow furrowing in concern. "What?"
He turns his head and stares deeply into her eyes. "Well...I have them...about you."
Her breath hitches in pleasant shock. For a moment nothing happens, then he leans forward, and she meets his lips with hers. His tongue slips into her mouth, and she trembles in need.
"I do whatever it takes to help my sisters along the right path," Lincoln says into the camera.
He mounts Luan and plants his hands on either side of her head. She stares up at him in wide-eyed hunger, frozen in desire, too horny to even move. "There's something we can do," he says, "to...take the pressure off. It's called dipping. See, it's not a sin if I just put it in. Humping is the sin."
She nods jerkily. "O-Okay."
"I serve others, I don't serve myself. I'm Christlike in that respect."
Covered by the blanket, Lincoln slowly sinks himself into his sister's burning core, her breath catching and her eyes rolling. Lincoln bares his teeth as he reaches her limit and stops. "T-There. Isn't that better?"
She licks her lips and nods.
"Just...don't move," he says, "it's not incest if we don't move."
"O-Okay," she moans, "b-but it's so hard."
He bows his head and nods. "I know."
"I wanna move so bad,"
"So do I. But we can't."
For a moment they simply look at each other. "C-Can you kiss me again?" Luan asks, and Lincoln smiles as though he were an evil villain and his plan was coming together. He leaned forward and they kiss, her hands running through his hair.
Against the backdrop, Lincoln's face is set and sober. "I would never take advantage of one of my sisters. I want only the best for them."
He cups Luan's cheek in his hand as they kiss. His hips slide slowly forward, and she gasps into his mouth. They draw back, then surge forward again. Beneath him, primal lust overcomes her and she, too, begins to move.
"I'm going to give my virginity to my husband on our wedding night," Luan says with a smug preen.
In her bed, Lincoln goes faster, and Luan throws her head back against the pillow, her hands flying to her brother's flexing butt. "God," she trembles, "yes..yes...God, Lincoln, faster." Her legs spread wide, one of her socked feet popping out from under the cover and hanging over the edge. Lincoln's hips pump back and forth, back and forth, and Luan winces, her mouth flying open. "I'm almost there...almost there...don't stop...don't stop…"
Lincoln's eyes squeeze shut and he freezes; Luan jumps, her head hitting the wall, and utters a high pitched squeal as his molten seed floods her passage and overflows the chambers of her womb.
"I care for my sisters, and I would do anything for them."
Luan rolls onto her side and begins to sob in shame. Lincoln yanks up his pants and shoots a hateful glance over his shoulder. "I told you not to move. Now we're going to hell because of you."
"I know!" she moans. "I'm sorry, Linc; I'm...so...sor-ry!"
Lynn and Rita. "Lincoln's a very good boy," Lynn says with a visible rush of fatherly pride, "he's kind, considerate, loving, he always puts his sisters first, he's a great kid. He really is."
Over the course of our stay, we spent countless hours following Luna. This is what we observed.
Luna walking down the sidewalk with her friend Sam. "We're going to a party," Luna explains with a crooked grin, "it's gonna be rad."
A two story house on a corner, cars parked along the curb. Inside, loud music plays as teenagers dance provocatively and drink from red plastic cups. "Sometimes you gotta cut loose, you know?" Luna shouts to be heard over the music.
She dances with another girl, her core grinding the other girl's butt; she inserts a tube into her mouth and a boy pours beer into the other end while everyone else chants, "Chug! Chug! Chug!"; she swayingly crosses the living room, leans one arm against the wall, and pukes on her boots. She looks up into the camera, her eyes bleary and her mouth a drunken squiggle. "This a good time," she said and gives a thumbs up.
At home, she passes out on her bed and starts to snore. Luan is on her knees with her hands balled in prayer, tears streaming down her face.
"Sam's awesome," Luna says the next day as the camera crew follows her to school. "She texted me last night to make sure I was okay. Pretty sweet, huh?"
"You really like her," a voice says off camera.
Luna nods. "Yeah, she's a great girl."
In class, Luna stares at Sam, who sits several desks down, like a hungry dog.
In front of the backdrop. "Yeah...I dig her like that." She chuckles. "My parents would kill me, but, you know…" she shrugs.
"Are you gay?"
She considers for a moment. "No, no, I'm bi. I prefer girls, but I'm into a few guys."
"Like?"
She grins deviously. "Bon Scott from AC/DC. Dude is fucking hot. If he was still alive he'd be, like, seventy, but I'd still go for him." She spread her legs and made a Devil horns sign. "Come stoke the fires of hell, baby!"
"We trust our children to make the right choices," Rita says. "We've instilled them with our values." Lynn nods in silent agreement.
A hidden camera shows Rita sneaking out into the garage; she opens a fridge, takes out a bottle of Vodka, and takes a long drink, her throat bobbing and her hand trembling in need. She just got home from work and presumably hadn't drank all day.
Lynn glances at her. "We've taught them well."
Lynn is typing at his computer. The camera zooms into the screen over his shoulder. ASHLEY MADISON: LIFE IS SHORT, HAVE AN AFFAIR.
"I like spending time with Linc," Lynn Jr. says, "he's a cool guy. I don't know why you'd say I didn't want to."
Lynn stands at the bathroom sink brushing her teeth. Lincoln comes in, climbs into the shower, and shuts the curtain. Lynn stares at herself in the mirror, then her head jerks around when he throws his underwear over the top. They land at her feet, and her eyes follow them, her breath catching. She looks at the curtain as he cuts the water on, then back at his underwear. Inhaling deeply through her nose, she goes on with brushing, slower now; you can see her mind working through the windows of her eyes.
She spits, puts her brush away, then looks at the curtain again. Satisfied that Lincoln isn't watching, she picks up his underwear and holds them in her shaking hands. They are still warm from his body heat, and she starts breathing hard like an animal getting the scent of blood. She lifts them to her nose and takes a deep whiff.
Looking ashamed of herself, she throws them down and flees. Moments later, Lincoln's face pokes out of the curtain...and he grins.
On Wednesdays, the Loud family attends a midweek worship service/Bible study.
Everyone stands as the choir sings. Lynn Sr. glances at a woman down the pew, and a sinful smile touches his lips. Rita looks jittery, like she wants a drink. Luan looks dead inside, Lori keeps stealing glances at Lincoln, and Lynn can't bring himself to look at him. They sit and the pastor begins to preach about carnal sin. Luan pales and Lynn fights really hard not to look at her brother, but fails.
He smiles at her and lays his hand on her leg. "You okay?" he asks.
She swallows. "No," she blurts.
He frowns. "What's wrong?"
She stares at him for a moment, then away. "I-I'll tell you later."
Lincoln gives her leg a reassuring squeeze; she looks into his eyes, and in that moment, if you looked into her eyes, you could see a decision being made.
Family dinners at the Loud house are a chance for each member to catch up with the other and share important news.
Lynn Sr. says a prayer, and the family begins to eat. Luna, sitting between Luan and Leni, stares down at her plate and chews her bottom lip in thought, then looks up. "I'm gay," she blurts.
Everyone freeze; Lynn Sr's face falls and Rita's hand flies to her mouth. "W-What?" Lynn Sr. sputters.
"For the most part," Luna says, "but, yeah, I'm pretty gay and I'm sick of sitting up in that church while some bitch ass fuckboi in a dress tells me I'm going to hell."
Lynn blinks...then slams his hands on the table; dishes clatter and everyone jumps. "You are!"
Luna's eyes narrow. "There is no hell."
Everyone except Lisa gasps.
Lynn's face turns beet red and he begins to shake. He shoots to his feet and jabs his finger toward the living room. "Go to your room!"
Growling, Luna pushes away from the table and gets. "I'm still gonna be gay in there."
"Go!"
"And God's still gonna be fake."
"GET OUT OF MY SIGHT!"
Mumbling under her breath, Luna storms out of the room, the camera following her. "That's been on my chest for a minute," she said as she pounded up the stairs, "tomorrow I'm asking Sam out and I'm gonna eat her fucking pussy until she calls me mommy."
In the dining room, Rita sobs into her hand while Lynn looks shell-shocked. The kids all look at each other with worried expressions. "I can't do this," Rita says and rushes into the garage.
Lynn sighs deeply. "Everyone hold hands," he says, "we're going to pray for your sister."
Everyone holds hands in a big circle and bows their heads. Lincoln weaves his fingers through Lynn's and steals a sidelong glance at her. She returns it, and they both smile goofily.
"Please, Father, help Luna out of the darkness and back to the path of righteousness." In the garage, Rita sits against the fridge and drinks from a bottle of vodka.
Lynn and Rita sitting against the backdrop, both pale and shaken. "I-I don't know where we went wrong," Rita stammers.
"It's public school," Lynn says tightly, "I knew this was going to happen. It's worse than Sodom and Gomorrah."
Lynn at his computer messaging a married woman. Hey, baby, looking for a stud for the night?
Lynn Jr. "Sometimes Lucy and I have fights. She's so dark and depressing, you know? Hellfire this, brimstone that. I crash with Linc when it becomes too much."
Lincoln lying in his bed with the lights out. The door creaks open and he looks up as Lynn slips in wearing only a jersey that reaches her knees and a pair of socks. She creeps hesitantly over to the bed, pauses as if having second thoughts, then crawls under the covers. Lincoln smiles into the darkness as she curls up next to him; he puts his arm around her shoulder. "Hey."
"Hi," she says.
He brushes his fingers through her thick chestnut hair. "You alright?"
"No."
"What's wrong?"
She doesn't reply for a long time. "Impure thoughts," she said.
Lincoln nods understandingly. "I have them too."
"I feel dirty," she said, "and…"
"And what?"
She lays her hand on his bare chest and pushes up; their noses are touching and their eyes stare into one another. "Remember that time we got naked and cuddled? And then played each other but Mom came in before we were done?"
Lincoln nods.
"I…" she looks down as if in shame. Lincoln slips his thumb under her chin and tilts her head back, their eyes meeting.
"What?" he asks softly.
Lynn's eyes are big, watery, and clouded with pain. "I can't stop thinking about it. You felt so good. In my hand. Touching me. I-I'm so turned on it hurts. I can't sleep, I can't think straight, it's like...like I'm always on fire." She takes his hand and guides it under the blanket, spreading her thighs and pressing it against her center. Lincoln sucks a deep, reflexive breath. She stares at him with unwavering intensity.
"Feel how hot I am?"
Lincoln nods dumbly.
"I…" she swallows, her throat making a dry clicking sound. "I wanna do it again, b-but I'm scared."
For a moment Lincoln simply stares at her, then bows his head in a gesture of great sadness. When he spoke next, it was in a somber tone. "I have those thoughts too, Lynn...and they're wrong...they're evil...and they make me hate myself, they make me feel like I'm letting our Savior down...like He's looking at me with...disgust and disappointment."
A look of pain crosses Lynn's face and she lays her free hand on Lincoln's face.
"I was doing good," Lincoln said, "then...just now...this…" he looks at his hand; it's still cupping Lynn's hot, damp core. "And...I sinned, Lynn, I sinned in my heart." He looks away and blinks; tears slide down his cheek. "'I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart - Matthew 5:28.'"
Lynn blinks.
"I've fornicated with you in my heart...and you with me." He sniffs deeply.
"Linc," she says softly and strokes his cheek, "I-I'm sorry, I…"
He looks at her, his eyes wounded...but underneath that is something else. "We've already done it as far as God is concerned." He rubs his hand against her leaking lips and she sputters; he leans forward. "We might as well do it for r -"
She molds her lips to his and kisses him deeply, desperately, her hands curling against his bare chest. Flashes of their tongues are visible slipping from one mouth to the other; Lincoln's arm moves as he masturbates her, his fingers pumping in and out with a wet, mud-like sound. His other hand slips under her jersey and kneads her small but pert breast, his thumb rubbing a slow but urgent circle against her hard, aching nipple. He pushes against her, and she pushes back, knocking him to the bed and mounting him, her knees caging his legs and her lips working furiously against his. Lincoln brushes her jersey up, and she pulls away from the kiss long enough to whip it off and toss it aside; her breasts hang free, and Lincoln grabs them.
"Yes," Lynn nods, "saving yourself for marriage is very important."
Lynn takes her brother's face in her hands and sinks herself onto his dick with a loud gasp. Lincoln puts his hands on her hips and moans. "God, you feel so good," Lynn says and begins to rock her hips back and forth.
"Without the commitment of marriage, sex is a shallow illusion of intimacy. It is nothing more than erotic stimulation and/or a temporary escape from loneliness. It is basically selfish." Lynn nods as if in enthusiastic agreement with herself.
The bed creaks as they gyrate faster, Lynn bending over and swirling her tongue around Lincoln's. He tweaks her nipples and she grunts into his mouth, then pulls away, a ribbon of drool connecting their lips. "I'm cumming," she breaths, "God, yes, I'm cumming, I'm cumming, I'm cumming…"
"Me too," Lincoln says.
"Give it to me," she moans, "please, Linc, give it to me…"
She increases her speed in a final burst of home stretch energy, wraps her arms around Lincoln's neck, and drags him to her breast as she begins to shake with the power of her climax. Lincoln throws his hips up and releases; Lynn bows her head, hums in pleasure, and grinds herself along his length in one long, slow stroke.
Lincoln in front of the backdrop, his hands in his lap and a bright smile on his face. "Of course I respect women. Our faith teaches that we are all children of God."
Lynn and Lincoln lie side by side staring at the ceiling. "What did I do?" Lynn asks herself, a mournful note in her voice, "Oh, God, what did I do?"
Lincoln turns his head to her and narrows his eyes. "I'll tell you what you did. You damned yourself to hell...and dragged me with you."
Tears flood her eyes and she begins to cry in big, hitching gulps. She turns to him and reaches for his hand. "Please...pray with me."
"I think you should leave," he said coldly.
When we confronted Lincoln with evidence of his manipulative behavior, he reacted poorly.
In front of the backdrop, Lincoln starts to say something but a voice from offscreen cuts him off. "You should see this."
He leans forward, interested. A moment later, Luan's voice drifts forth, and the soft warmth drains from his face; it is cold now, hard, reptilian. "God, yes..yes...God, Lincoln, faster."
"What the hell is this?" Lincoln snaps.
"A video...of you and Luan."
He opens his mouth to reply, but closes it again, his lips twisting in a sneer of hatred. A shadow darkens his features and his eyes pool with malice. "You had sex with her."
"She tricked me," he says tightly. "I was raped."
"Just like Lynn tricked you?"
Lincoln jumps to his feet, rips the mic from his shirt, and slams it onto the floor. "You had no right," he says, pointing, "no fucking right."
Lucy, arms crossed, mouth set in a scowl. "My brother annoys me. He's always so peppy and upbeat like his idol, Joel Olsteen. Joel Olsteen is a false phrophet and he's going to hell."
True to her reputation as a preacher of fire and brimstone, Lucy displays a profound interest in hell, damnation, and eternal suffering.
A camera follows Lucy into her room. She sits on the edge of her bed, pulls open her nightstand drawer, and takes out a small leatherbound book. "I like to draw," she says as she opens it. The camera zooms in and she looks up, her black bangs obscuring her eyes like a funeral shroud. "I draw mainly what I think hell will look like."
In front of the backdrop, Lucy holds up one finger. "Sinners are going to hell," another, "fornicators are going to hell," three, "Bill Gaither's going to hell," four, "Jim Bakker's going to hell." She holds up her other hand. "Pat Robinson's going to hell, Jews are going to hell, Muslims are going to hell, Presbyterians are going to hell." She's grinning now. "Gays are going to hell. Baptists are going to hell…"
The scene cuts to her in her room. She holds up the notebook and shows the camera one of her drawings: Screaming heads bob in bubbling liquid surrounded by craggy mountains. "That's boiling blood," she says, "their flesh melts from their bones, regrows, and melts again." She points to a man's head. "See that gloop on his cheeks? His eyes popped out and melted. In my headcanon he was a Unitarian. God hates Unitarians."
Lynn and Rita. "Lucy has always been very Old Testament," Lynn says, "her favorite Bible stories as a little girl usually involved sinners being smited by God." He laughs.
"And the Flood," Rita adds.
"And the destruction of Sodom."
Rita smiles wanly. "She's just very passionate about her faith. That's all."
Hidden camera footage: Lucy in the backyard kneeling over a flurry gray and black kitten. She lays her hand over it, picks it up, and stares into its eyes. "You're a sinner," she says and wraps one hand around its neck. "And sinners go to hell." She pulls as hard as she can, and the cat's head separates from its body, ropy pink intestines spilling out in a gush of blood and plopping to the dirt. She starts to pant as she stares down at the carnage. "I hope you didn't get the chance to repent."
"Liberals are going to hell, Donald Trump's going to hell, Lincoln's going to hell, Lisa's going to hell, you're going to hell, everyone you love is going to hell…"
Sitting under a tree with a knife in her hand, Lucy picks a bug up from the ground and slowly impales it on the blade, her lips widening into a smile as it thrashed. "Taste the folly of your own sin." She picks up another and does the same. "I bet you wish you never transgressed against the Lord your God."
Lori stands at the bathroom sink rummaging in the medicine cabinet. She closes it, and jumps at the sight of Lucy in the mirror.
"She scares me sometimes," Lori says. She's sitting in front of the backdrop and hugging herself. "She always talks about hell, and I don't like thinking about hell because I know I'm a sinner and fall short of God's glory."
Laying in bed, Lori rakes a hand through her blonde hair and turns restlessly to her side. Moments later she rolls onto her back again and stares at the ceiling...then slips her hand under the cover and swallows thickly.
"I have impure thoughts, but I never let myself act on them."
In bed, Lori tosses her head back and licks her lips; her arm is moving furiously and wet, squishy sounds can be heard.
"Sexual sins are the worst kind. I would never do anything like that outside of marriage."
Hidden camera. Lincoln lays back on her bed, clad in only his underwear; Lori climbs on top of him and kisses his cheek, his forehead, her fingers kneading the flesh of his shoulders like a playful kitten. A devious smile crosses her face as she kisses his mouth, her tongue darting out and tasting the saliva from his bottom lip. Lincoln threads his fingers through her hair and licks her lips, his eyes smoldering with passion. She giggles and flicks her tongue against his, then scoots down and kisses his chin, his neck, his chest.
In front of the backdrop, Lori looks thoughtful. "I mean...I've thought about...having a boy. Not having sex with him," she hastens to add. "But...just...kissing him and stuff. Kind of reveling in his body and his masculinity." She looks shamefully down at her lap.
She wraps her lips around his nipple and laps it with her tongue, then moves her open mouth down his stomach, leaving a trail of burning saliva in her wake. She reaches his crotch: His erection makes a tent in his underwear. She stares at it, then glances at his flushed face with a grin. She strokes her fingers up one side and over the top, her face turning a deep shade of red and her breathing coming heavy. Lincoln rhythmically lifts his hips and Lori licks her lips.
For a moment, she hesitates as her sister had done...then her desire overwhelmed her; she hooked her fingers into the waistband and yanked them down, her eyes widening when his rigid dick popped out, a clear bead of precum oozing down his pulsing shaft. She hums then takes it in her hand, beginning to glide up and down. More of his essence leaks from his tip, and, brushing her hair behind her ear, Lori bows her head, her tongue darting coyly out and dragging across his slit, the salty taste of his fluid filling her mouth.
"That's not sexual, though, I mean...not really. You can do that and not go to hell, right? As long as he literally doesn't penetrate you"
Lori put her lips to his tip and bobbed her head slowly down, his dick penetrating her mouth. "Uhhh, God," Lincoln moans.
She takes him all the way to his base, then pulls up, a slick mixture of her spit and his precum coating his length. She reaches his tip then plunges down again. Lincoln's back arches and he shivers.
"I would die if anyone found out about m-my fantasy."
The door opens and Rita pokes her head in. "Lori, I -" her jaw drops in a perfect O of surprise. "OH MY GOD NOT AGAIN!"
Lori jumps a foot and whips around, her eyes filling with terror. Lincoln draws himself into a sitting position; his expression is identical to Lori's. "M-Mom," she stammers, "I-I can explain…"
"YOU WERE HAVING ORAL SEX WITH YOUR BROTHER, YOU TRAMP!" Rita's face blazes with anger and her eyes flash.
Disturbed by what she found Lincoln and Lori doing, Rita calls an emergency family meeting.
Lynn Sr. stands at the foot of the stairs with his arms crossed and an angry scowl on his face as his children file down and cross to the couch, where they sit. He stalks over and stands next to Rita, his face scarlet with rage. Lincoln and Lori both stare down at their laps. "I cannot believe this," he says, his voice trembling. "Do you have any idea how sick that is? How immoral? How dare you. You sinned not only against each other and yourselves, but you sinned against God as well. YOU SINNED AGAINST GOD!"
Luan breaks down crying, her shoulders shaking. "I did it too!" she moaned, and Lynn Sr.'s head whips in her direction.
"So did I," Lynn Jr. says, a hollow, haunted quality to her voice. "I made Lincoln have sex with me."
"WHAT?"
Rita's face pales and her hand goes to her head.
Shaking violently, Lynn explodes. "You dirty, disgusting...wicked people! You're going to hell!" He gestures wildly with his arm. "You're all going to hell and you deserve it!"
Lola and Lana both start to cry in fear; Lisa rolls her eyes; and Lucy grins
In front of the backdrop, Lynn Sr. alone, his arms crossed over his chest and his face clenched. "My children are perverts and fornicators. I tried but they're evil." He shakes his head slowly.
"Fornication is a pretty serious sin," someone says offscreen.
Lynn nods.
"...so is adultery."
Lynn's eyes flicker with recognition. "Yes, it is."
Papers shuffle. "Would you care to explain your Ashley Madison account?" A hand appears from the bottom left clutching a sheet of paper.
Lynn's eyes narrow. "I don't have an Ashley Madison account."
"Oh, you're not BigDickDeacon23?"
"No," Lynn says tightly.
"And this isn't a selfie your sent to a woman?"
It fills the screen. Lynn Sr smirking with his hands on his hips, naked save for an altar cloth wrapped around his waist.
Lynn's face darkens. He sits up so roughly that the chair nearly falls over. "This interview is over," he says and rips the mic off his shirt.
He starts to leave.
"What about your wife's drinking?"
He whips around and bends at the waist, his face blazing with demonic hatred. "FUCK YOU!"
The scene freezes on his face, his final two words echoing before cutting back to Flagg1991, looking so handsome it hurts. "After our visit, Lynn Loud Sr. was charged with embezzling close to 50,000 dollars from the church over twelve years. He admitted to the crime, saying it was to support the six other children he'd fathered with various women during his marriage to Rita. In return, she filed for divorce and the children were taken by the state. Lucy was diagnosed as a sociopath and put in a group home, Lynn Jr. was found to be pregnant with her brother's child, and Luna ran away from a residential facility and has yet to be found. The others are currently in foster homes."
He flashes a toothy smile. "And there you have it. I'm Flagg1991 for A Present Event. Goodnight, and God bless."