Disclaimer: Not my characters

A/N: Rated for language. Before you read further: the following is a silly little piece of OOC nonsense. Consider yourself warned!

David Rossi was seriously judging her right now.

Okay, so the man was obviously unimpressed by her menu choice, but JJ refused to be cowed by the disapproving looks he was shooting her from the corner of their booth. Because really, when was Rossi ever impressed by anyone's menu choice? She cocked her head sweetly at him and gave him an innocent smile. Beside him, Emily snickered at her friend's smugness, but the mirth in her eyes quickly gave way again to disbelief and pity. "Seriously, JJ? We're in Philly. This place is supposed to have the best cheesesteaks in the city, and you're actually choosing to miss out?"

JJ remained unapologetic. "I won't be missing out. I'll be enjoying every minute of my meal which will include foods that have actually grown in the earth."

"Potatoes grow in the earth," Emily helpfully pointed out. "So does wheat."

"And yet oddly enough French fries and hoagie rolls do not, so don't even try it, Em, and leave me alone with my salad."

Emily held up her hands in surrender as their orders arrived, then grinned at her as she popped a fry into her mouth and started digging in. JJ pointedly ignored Derek, who was staring at her plate from Emily's other side with undisguised horror, and speared a piece of lettuce with her fork. "You guys can go ahead and judge all you want," she muttered defiantly. "I'd like to live long enough to see my son graduate, thank you."

"JJ, why would anyone judge you for making an informed and rational decision about your health?" Spencer offered sweetly from her side. Across the table, JJ did not miss three pairs of amused eyes studiously avoiding looking in their direction. Judgers, all. "Especially considering the study published in November's edition of the Journal of the American Medical Association that found a statistically significant link between—"

Emily raised a warning hand while her other held her grease-soaked treat poised for a bite. "Reid, if this story in any way ends with you telling me how many calories are in this thing, so help me…"

Emily's obvious misconception of the data he was about to share only spurred him on. "No, not at all! It was actually about plasma triglyceride levels. For the first time in history we have definitive evidence that—"

"Whoa, whoa." It was Derek's turn to interrupt. "Come on, Kid. It's time to cut your losses."

Even Hotch looked relieved when he backed down, but JJ placed a hand on his shoulder. "Well I think it sounds like an interesting article, and I'd love to read it sometime if you still have a copy."

Spencer beamed at her. "I'll bring it in for you as soon as we get home."

Across the table, Derek raised an incredulous eyebrow. Because surely Reid had not just smirked at him.

Three hours later, they were supposed to be on the jet back home. It was late, they were all exhausted, and Jennifer Jareau was on her knees in a Philadelphia hotel bathroom. She grimaced at the soft knocking at the door. "JJ?" Came Emily's muffled voice. "You alright in there?" JJ only managed a groan before her stomach started heaving again. "Can I come in?" Emily continued with another series of taps on the door. Each one was like a hammer to JJ's already pounding head. "Go away," she managed through gritted teeth.

A pause.

"Come on, Jayje. We're just really worried… I have ginger ale."

…Shit. JJ groaned again. Now everyone decides to be nice to her? It took a herculean effort, but somehow she managed to push herself up and drag herself over to unlock the door.

Emily's heart melted at the sight of her sick friend who was barely managing to keep herself up.

"Ohhhh, geez."

JJ winced and turned back to sink down in front of the toilet, resting her forehead against the cool seat. A distant part of her mind hollered at her. Gross. "Shut up," she ground out.

"Aw, Jayje…"

"I don't know what happened!" JJ moaned helplessly. "Bad dressing?"

"Actually," came a voice from the open doorway, "raw, leafy greens such as lettuce remain one of the number one causes of food poisonings each year. Improperly handled and prepared, a head of lettuce can be colonized by several of the usual pathogenic suspects, including Campylobacter jejuni, L—"

"Reid."

With both women shooting him death glares, Spencer shrank a full step backward and continued more abashedly. "Which is something we can obviously discuss at another time, um, JJ, can I get you anything?" But JJ only turned her head and vomited again into the toilet.

The next three hours were a blur of hair-holding and back-rubbing and aching ribs and an increasingly sore throat, but JJ was finally able to keep down some of the ginger ale that Emily held out for her to sip. She slumped, exhausted, against the bathtub. A while later, Hotch knocked timidly on the door, speaking to them from a safe distance outside the bathroom in order to respect JJ's privacy. "Everything's set," he explained, more to Emily, really. "We've got all our rooms for an extra night, and—"

"No, no, no, no." JJ moaned, drawing his attention. Emily cut in to reassure her.

"It's fine, JJ, we don't mind staying the extra night, and you really just need to crash."

"I need my own bed. Hotch, please."

Hotch looked at her, sweating and disheveled on the bathroom floor, and shrugged. "If that's what you really want, JJ. Are you sure you can make it?"

"I can make it," she assured him, pleadingly. "I can make it."

It basically took the whole team to get her to the jet. Emily packed her bags and helped her clean up a little, Hotch carried all her belongings to one of the SUVs and checked them out, Morgan bundled her up in not only her own coat but his as well, and Rossi and Reid hauled her to her feet and practically carried her out of the hotel.

When they finally made it to the jet, Spencer lowered her to the bench seat and tucked her in, hoping she could sleep the whole way home. Within a few minutes, however, JJ was pushing herself up again. "Ugh," she groaned, half asleep. "No. Can't be horizontal."

So Spencer wasted no time in helping her up again and leading her over to the seat next to him, jumping a little but then smiling down at her when her blonde head came to rest on his shoulder. As JJ almost immediately nodded off against him, Spencer hesitated for a moment before lifting his arm decisively and placing it around her shoulders, a tender smile gracing his lips as he did. He then turned his attention to Morgan, who was sitting across from him.

The men studied each other in silence for a few minutes, during which Derek felt his annoyance level rising. The kid had been awfully smug all afternoon, and now that he and JJ looked all settled and comfy and Reid was just sitting there and smiling at him like that, Derek had had quite enough.

"Ok, Reid. What is it?"

Spencer blinked innocently. "What's what?"

"You know what. What's with the look?"

"Nothing, I'm just thinking." He turned to gaze out the window, his lips curled into a placid and, if you asked Derek, extremely irritating smile. He was almost willing to let it go, though, when Spencer spoke again, muttering under is breath without looking away from the window: "And the student becomes the master."

Morgan sat up straighter. "What was that?"

"Hmm? Oh, nothing."

"No, I'm pretty sure I heard you say something. Anything you wanna get off your chest, Kid?"

"No, it's just, I'm really comfortable right now, Morgan." Reid shifted slightly and pulled the sleeping JJ closer to him. "And I have no doubt that all that sage advice you're always giving me about how to get women… I mean, I'm sure it works for you, Derek, but…"

"…But?" Derek almost growled. He was inches away from wiping that dumb smile off the kid's face.

Reid pretended to hesitate, laughing slightly and looking down in false humility. "But, well, I just can't help but notice that I have my arm around a beautiful woman and you…" Reid paused, giving him an almost pitying look. "Well, you're just kind of sitting there alone and watching, and some people might just find that a little creepy and awkward…" Derek's mouth opened. "Not me! Of course," Reid continued quickly, "I mean, you're my friend, Morgan! Of course I don't mind you sitting alone across from us. And seriously, as your friend, if you ever do need advice? I'm more that willing. Because this…" he looked down at the blonde head on his shoulder. "I want this for you, Derek. You deserve it."

Derek barked out a laugh. "Oh, you think you're gonna give me advice?"

"I'm just saying I'd be more than willing."

Derek shook his head. "You know what? I'm not even gonna… whatever, Man." He leaned back and closed his eyes, but damn if he couldn't feel Reid's smirk on him still.

Spencer watched calmly as the man across from him, obviously trying to relax and get comfortable, instead grew more agitated by the minute. He waited until Morgan opened his eyes again and leaned forward restlessly in his seat to sigh, loudly and contentedly, and give JJ's shoulder a squeeze.

Morgan's eyes narrowed. "Ok, Smartass," he hissed. "I gotcha. We'll see who's gonna be giving the advice around here." He leaned over into the aisle, craning his neck towards the seat across from and slightly behind him where Emily was dozing.

"Prentiss," he cooed, drawing out each syllable of her name in a manner that he was quite positive any woman would find irresistible. He received only a sleepy, annoyed groan in response.

"Oh, Emily…"

Nothing. Derek knew for a fact that his partner was a light sleeper and could not for the life of him think of why she would want to ignore him.

"Eeeemmilllyyyyy."

"What?"

Ok, so the vitriol was a little uncalled for, but Morgan kept his tone soft and enticing. "C'mere."

Emily only scowled and turned her head away and closed her eyes again.

"Emily."

"No."

"Come sit by me."

"Morgan. What the fuck."

He had to admit, this was turning out to be a bit more difficult than he had anticipated, but Derek was nothing if not relentless. "Come on," he cajoled. "I'll make it worth your while."

At this, his friend's head popped up, and she opened one sleepy eye to study him skeptically. Emily Prentiss happened to know that Morgan gave absolutely heavenly neck rubs—but they were rare and usually came at a steep cost. He smiled at her encouragingly as she seemed to weigh her options.

And… Success. Emily stumbled across the aisle to plop down next to him and peered up at him expectantly. She saw him flash what he undoubtedly thought was a subtle smirk in Reid's direction and rolled her eyes. So that's what this was about. Whatever, though, it's not like she was about to complain. Emily shivered as Derek brushed her curtain of black hair out of the way and over one shoulder, then placed his fingertips at the base of her skull. She couldn't help the moan of contentment that escaped her as he began to work his magic, and she melted into him, letting her head fall against his chest and closing her eyes again.

Derek nearly crowed, wishing he didn't have to whisper so as not to attract the attention of the ladies. "And that, Genius, is how it's done." He leaned back, reveling in victory. He wished he could take a picture of Reid's face right now; the poor kid was trying so hard to remain indignant and stay in the game. Derek let out a long, satisfied sigh. Spencer had been right about one thing—having your arm around a beautiful woman was definitely the way to be.

"Alright, fine. That was well played," Spencer conceded. Derek's smirk widened. "I'm sure I could get my way a lot more often than I do if I weren't above promising certain payoffs…"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa," Derek was positively insulted. "You think I need to resort to extortion to get—" He cast a wary glance down and Prentiss and left his sentence unfinished.

"Well, technically extortion involves using one's—"

"Oh, please, you know what? It doesn't even matter because Derek Morgan doesn't need to use anything but his innate… gifts."

Spencer raised his eyebrows. And the smugness was back. "Hey, I'm just calling it like I see it."

Derek felt his jaw twitch, but before he could launch his counterattack, he saw Reid's attention divert momentarily to JJ, who shivered slightly against him.

Both men zeroed in on it at the same moment. The extra blanket was half on Spencer's leg, half draped on the table in front of them. Reid had the advantage and grabbed it first, but Morgan prevented him from getting very far. The two men's eyes locked fiercely as they attempted a near-silent tug-o'-war over the plush, yellow coverlet.

"Are you serious?" Spencer hissed. "JJ's sick."

"Right, which is why she's shivering," Derek hissed back. "She's already got two blankets on, plus my coat. This thing isn't going to make a difference. Emily's in a tee-shirt."

As the stand-off continued, Emily felt herself growing more and more disgruntled. She was, quite frankly, over it, especially since in his battle-mode Derek's neck rub had started to become erratic and entirely unfulfilling. The men obviously thought they were being quiet about it, but all the jostling was getting exceedingly uncomfortable. Frowning, Emily opened her eyes and noticed that JJ too had begun to stir, her eyebrows knitted in discomfort. As if her sick friend needed these two buffoons keeping her from getting the rest she needed. JJ shifted uncomfortably again, and Emily knew exactly what to do.

"Aww," she exclaimed. "JJ, you need tea! Don't move, sweetie, I'll go get you some."

Emily didn't bother moving. As expected, Reid looked as if someone had just stuck a broomstick up his ass. He dropped the blanket, sat up rod straight, and nearly fell over his own feet trying to rise and make sure JJ was comfortable without him beside her. "Tea? JJ needs tea! Of course, I don't—I'll go get some now. Green? No, herbal. Of course, herbal tea. I'll be right back. Don't—don't move. Okay."

Reid rushed off to the kitchenette, and right on cue, Emily could feel Derek start to tense up and shift restlessly. She turned her head to smile sweetly up at him.

He pounced. "Did you want something? I can go get something for you. Just tell me what you want."

Emily could practically taste it. "No, you don't have to do that."

"Seriously, I don't mind. I'm happy to." He put on what he undoubtedly thought was one of his most charming smiles. It was a poor effort, if you asked Emily. He was way too uptight.

"Hmm, I guess if we have any hot chocolate? The dark kind, with some coffee creams in it. "

Derek visibly relaxed, and the smile he gave her then, Emily was happy to note, was both charming and genuine. "I know we have some. I'll be right back." He practically ran after Reid.

The men returned after five minutes, jostling each other to get back to their seats first, to find JJ still asleep, her head resting now against Emily, who was seated in Reid's vacated spot with one hand stroking JJ's hair and the other held out in front of her for her drink. She was smiling innocently at them, but neither man missed the challenge in her dark eyes.

Derek looked as if he didn't know whether to leer or to protest. Mouth open, he silently handed over the hot chocolate and sat back down, scowling and scooting closer to the window when Spencer parked himself in the empty seat next to him. Neither of them spoke as Emily happily finished her hot chocolate, curled up on her side, threw her other arm around JJ, and quickly dropped off to sleep.

After a few minutes, Derek muttered darkly, "This is all your fault, Man,"

Then, after another few minutes, Spencer sighed. "The thing with the hair was a nice touch, though."

"Yeah, yeah." Derek couldn't keep the dejection from his voice. "They really like that one."

Both men spent the rest of the flight in silence.