Author's Note: Because the canon has become so painful for me to watch that it discourages my imagination from even writing the scenarios it used to in an attempt to give depth to characters that had potential but now are as flat as cardboard cut outs. I grow weary, and I'm sorry to inflict this upon you, but I had to get it out. And maybe some of you feel the same way...?
Spoilers: An episode tag (of sorts) for 6x19. No extreme plot point spoilers.
She stared into the dimly lit recesses of the old building, trying to remember when it was all new and exciting to her, when she'd been giddy with a sense of adventure, and then pleased with a sense of belonging.
When had everything gone so wrong?
She thought she was alone, Eric finally having left for the night, allowing her to wallow in contemplations of a future that she no longer would have, and honestly, no longer wanted. But a voice cut through the dark stillness, making her start.
"Nell, are you alright?"
Her hand lifted to her face, about to hastily wipe away the tears, but she hesitated, lowered it. Turned to face the senior agent head on, no longer hiding her feelings. She didn't care anymore. How could she?
His blue eyes widened and he gave her a concerned look. Now? Now he was concerned?!
"Is it because Eric went off with Blaze?" G Callen asked.
She ground her teeth together, and not because she was jealous of her 'partner' and the college protégée, which the older agent obviously thought was the source of her being upset. Of course, it just had to be Eric. That's the only thing that could be upsetting silly Nell Jones. Because the technical operator apparently was the center of her world…
She was so sick of it.
These people. She'd loved them like family, which was maybe why it hurt so much more.
"No," she said, perhaps too harshly, but she really didn't give a damn anymore. "I'm not defined by Eric Beale and what you think we are."
If they only knew the truth... She felt momentarily guilty when Callen looked a little taken aback at her snappish tone. At least he didn't grin 'knowingly', thinking he knew the inside joke.
"Then what's wrong?" he asked, placing a hand on her shoulder in a gentling gesture that was somehow only more infuriating.
"I don't matter to any of you," she said, and then pressed on, cutting him off before he could protest. "You pretend you care, but you don't. You never ask me about my day, about my life, my interests, my hopes and dreams, what I like... to read, to eat... Who I am. You all claim to be a family, and I've loved you all like one, but you don't notice me. You don't try to know anything about me. You looked at me for five minutes, and thought you knew everything you needed to know. The only personal thing I hear from any of you is how I'm secretly in love with Eric Beale."
Callen was looking truly hurt, an odd expression on the generally guarded man's face, but again, she was too hurt herself to care about anyone else's feelings anymore.
"I'm not, if you ever cared to really ask me, to know me. And he's not in love with me, either."
It was all a pretense on Eric's part, the cause of which was not her place to divulge. Because she was his friend, she'd played along. But she was tired of it. And no one else had bothered to notice. Although, Blaze had apparently picked up on it, had tried to set the geek up with her father. Too old for Eric, but something, anything to get him out of the closet would've been good for him, in Nell's opinion.
"Okay, Nell," Callen said. If he was trying to placate her, it was by far too late. "I won't ever erroneously bring up the subject again. And neither will the others."
She shrugged off his hand.
"You can do what you want," she said. "I don't care anymore. I'll be gone in a few days."
"What?"
"I'm leaving the OSP, NCIS... I don't want to be here anymore," Nell said.
"I don't understand." Did it make her a horrible person that she relished the confusion on his face? "We need you, Nell."
She laughed bitterly. "No, you don't. I was so easily replaced by a younger, smarter, better model today... It finally made everything apparent."
"Have you talked to Hetty about how you feel?"
Nell fought the sob that threatened. Hetty had been the only one there who had ever attempted to get to know Nell, had fostered her, mentored her of sorts. Even Eric was only interested in the aspects of Nell that interested him, fit the image of her he had in his mind. No, it had been Hetty who knew her best, and in the end, she had sidelined Nell, too.
"Yes," Nell said, staring Callen straight in his blue eyes. They were gorgeous, she had to admit. She'd even had a crush on him for a while there. It would've probably been much more serious if he had ever shown any interest in her as a person. But he hadn't. And she'd moved on.
"And what did she have to say about this?" he asked. He was upset. Good. Let him know how it feels. Let them all know.
"She's fine with it." /Fine/ probably wasn't the word, but it had been clear that the old spy's plans for Nell Jones were finished.
"I find that hard to believe, Nell," Callen said.
"You wouldn't if you paid any sort of attention to me."
He gave her that confused look once more, and locking eyes with him, she ran her hands down the front of her dress, smoothing it against her body, following the curve of her now rounded belly, watching the senior agent's eyes grow wide in shock as he followed the movement of her hands, of what they'd revealed, what neither he nor any of her other team mates had noticed. Because they didn't notice anything about her, pay any real attention to her as a human being, and not just a font of information they needed.
"You're pregnant," he said after a few moments. And she swore to god if he'd followed that statement with 'is it Eric's?' she would've pulled her Glock 26 and shot him in the face.
She simply nodded. /Duh./ How dense had they all been? How self-centered to not notice something so big, so life-changing about a person they supposedly thought a friend?
"And I'm done here," she said. "I have a life outside of this place, outside of the people who always claimed to care about me, but never really did. I have someone who loves me. And I love him.
"Hetty asked me to choose.
"And I chose him."
She cradled the baby bump she'd quite effectively kept hidden. Although, for all the observancy of her team when it came to Nell Jones, she probably could've worn cropped shirts with her swollen tummy hanging out and they wouldn't have noticed. She thought of the father of her unborn child, the way he touched her, the way he spoke to her. The way he /listened/ to her.
"I'd choose him" -God forgive her, but she let the bitterness out- "over /any/ of you. Every. Single. Time."
Callen was clearly upset, his jaw muscles clenched, but he nodded at her, his blue eyes sympathetic. And then he pulled her into a warm hug.
"I'm happy for you, Nell. Have a good life."
She cried. Tears of relief. And joy.
She was free.
A/N: Please don't misinterpret the part about Nell being replaced by a 'better model'. That's just how she feels in this fic. I personally hated Blaze, thought she was a boring, flat cliché. And that it was a poorly written, stupid ploy that made Eric look more like an idiot for jumping at her like that and made Nell seem juvenile for being hurt/jealous. And when did Hetty turn into such a bitch to everyone, supposedly so wise but making all of these awful mistakes and showing that she doesn't even understand her own people? And why was it all 'St. Patrick's Day' for five seconds, a narrative comic relief C-storyline that was completely dropped and replaced with 'marionettes'... this episode had horrible ADD. And the characters are so meh lately... ugh, I actually think I hate the writers for ruining something I used to love so much. I'm a few more sucky episodes from hating the series itself... and never watching it again, like I did with regular NCIS for becoming stagnant and awful around season five. But at least I have NCIS: NOLA and Hawaii Five-O (yes, I'm a late comer to this one).