This is a Test, This is only a test
A tag to Dark Side of the Moon
Dean felt the overwhelming sadness and guilt hit him although he didn't know why he was feeling guilty, well, yeh, he did, but he just didn't want to face it. He had failed making Sam's childhood better. All those attempts at making things as normal as possible for Sam were complete and utter failures. Sam had pretty much destroyed everything he had ever believed about their relationship. It had all been an illusion. It wasn't just the last few years. It went back to when they were kids. Yeh, their childhood sucked royal in a lot of ways, but Dean had never thought it had been so bad that he couldn't conjure up good memories from it like the one in the field with the fireworks. That was just one of many for Dean. Apparently, it didn't even register on Sam's Richter scale and that was painful.
They had moved on to the next motel after several hours of driving in silence. Nothing, nada. Sam had immediately fallen asleep when he had hit the bed, but Dean needed to get air and distance from him. Sam had no idea about how many times Dean had wanted to leave both their father and Sam, but he never had. Sam would probably have found that to be a weakness, that it was better to seek out your own dreams than to shackle yourself to others. Dean was beginning to wonder if Sam had been right all along, but even after everything that had happened, Dean knew, for better or for worse, he wasn't built that way. Mom had done the perfect sell job on being a big brother, on protecting one's family. Abandoning Sam, after learning how he felt about him, had crossed his mind, but only briefly. He might not be able to feel comfort from Sam ever again without suspecting it, but in the end, you don't get to choose your family. Sam will ALWAYS be his family. THAT can't change and deep down, Dean didn't want it to. Like every other time in their lives, Dean would find a way to work around it. They needed each other even if Sam didn't want to.
He walked to a park that was across the street from the motel. It was dimly lit, just the way Dean had felt so it seemed the perfect place. He found a bench and sat heavily onto it as if he were literally weighted down. He let out a groan and a long breath then rubbed his forehead. He had never felt so alone.
Suddenly, out of the corner of his eye, he saw a shadow creeping into his peripheral vision. Never one to be not prepared, Dean slowly reached into his jacket pocket to get his gun then waited. The shadow got closer and closer and then the figure appeared, spotlighted by the lone street lamp. Dean kept on watching as the figure, an elderly woman, sat down at the other end of the bench. Dean only relaxed slightly as he kept his grip on his gun. The woman turned, her face lined, but smiling gently at Dean.
"You won't need that, son," she said. "I'm hardly a threat."
Dean's eyes opened wide in surprise. Could he have been that out of practice that an old lady could spot him getting his gun?
"Thanks, but can't be too careful," Dean said.
"I understand. You're probably wondering what an old lady like me is doing out this time of night?"
Dean just looked at her.
"I needed to talk to you alone and this seemed like the perfect venue."
"I'm all talked out really so –"
"It was a test," she said abruptly.
"What?"
"A test. Your trip to Heaven, it was a test. I wanted to see for myself how you'd handle it."
"And who are you?"
"If I told you, I don't think you would believe me."
"Try me."
"God."
"Okay, you're right. I don't believe you," Dean said bitterly. "Why would God –"
"Take the guise of an old lady? Less threatening, I suppose. It was handy."
"You mean SHE was handy, don't you?"
"If you mean did I take over a woman to be my vessel, no, I don't do that. She's one of the many souls in Heaven that was willing to help, that's all."
"Ah, well, whatever."
"I can feel your pain, Dean."
"You have no idea," Dean said sharply, his anger bubbling.
"You feel that everyone has abandoned you, even Me."
Dean was feeling completely helpless and it showed in his body.
"Yeh, well, they have," Dean said, his expression mournful. "You have. Joshua made that clear."
"Joshua only told you what I wanted him to tell you. It was a test."
"So you said. Well, then I must have failed because I told him you could just go ahead and leave."
"No, Dean, you didn't fail, in fact, it made me see your true self. Despite everything that happened, your faith in humanity and wanting to save it is still there. It's weak and I know how close you are to giving in so I'm here to tell you. Don't."
"Don't what?"
"Don't give in."
"Why not?"
"Because the battle is more than just about my children, Michael and Lucifer, just like your relationship with your brother is more than just the sum total of your memories. You know that. I feel that. You still love him."
Dean's eyes began to fill with tears at the truth of those words. Dean could never stop loving Sam.
"I know you won't believe me, but your faith in humanity is faith in Me. You say that you don't believe in Me, but for every action you take to save humanity is an act of belief in Me. That even now the way you feel for your brother despite his betrayals is a testament to your belief in him. I wish my children were as devoted. They say they are, but their actions speak otherwise."
"I so want to believe you, but –"
"You do, if indirectly and that's fine. All you need to know is that I am here, but like any parent, I cannot intervene in the events that have come to pass. You are the righteous man who can end this conflict."
"By being Michael's vessel?" Dean asked, almost pleading for an answer.
"I can't tell you that. I can tell you that Michael was lying to you. Free will is yours, Dean. All that has happened was by choice. Yes, there are random events that seem insurmountably improbable, but they do happen. It's one of the many wonders of the world. Love can't be forced. It must be found, fought for and won, whether it be love between your mother and father or the love between you and Sam. You have constantly fought for your family. It is this that makes you the one who can save the world. I may be God, but I am not your keeper. I cannot tell you what to do, I can only tell you that I am here and hope you believe that. I can tell you that whatever your decision, I will embrace it and you for making it."
Dean was amazed to find the old woman's words comforting, whether she was God or not, he had to rely on his gut and for now, it wasn't telling him otherwise anymore.
"I don't want to make the wrong choice."
"There is no wrong choice if it's made truly from what you believe is right."
"Why tell me this now, here? Why not have Joshua just tell us all this?"
"It was necessary that he only know just what I need him to know. The angels, they can't know where I am."
"Why are you hiding? You know, Cas, he's wrecked. He really believed in you."
"I know and I will mend that. Castiel has been faithful and true. We must not lose him in the fight. He is our best warrior. As for hiding, I fear that it's necessary for everyone to believe that I don't want to be involved. They are being tested as well. Their actions will prove their faith. The test was not just for you, but for Sam as well."
"Sam?"
"He must find his own way, make his own choices."
"That's another thing, Sam believed too. He prayed –"
"Sam didn't truly believe, Dean. You give him much credit, as you should because he is your blood, but his actions towards you, they diminish him. For all that he has not done for you, he has not done for me. Prayer alone doesn't make you a believer. You have to feel it. Sam felt it from desperation, but his actions spoke otherwise. It was proven in Heaven. You see, a test."
"What about Sam? What are you going to do to him? Lucifer wasn't all his fault."
The old woman smiled at Dean's continuing defense of his brother. There are some things that can't be faked and Dean's devotion had never wavered. More proof of Dean's unflagging faith.
"Sam has been forgiven, but he still has much to make up for. Not to Me, but to you. He must come to terms with all he's done and find his way back into your graces. He must earn your faith back. You've already forgiven him even though you don't feel you have, but I know your heart and you have done no less, but your love is one thing, your belief another. Sam needs to rebuild that and I know you will let him."
Dean took in all of the information and felt the tension leave his body.
"So, it's up to me then?"
"Yes and though you may hate the burden that's been placed on you, blame it on a weakness that only you believe you possess, know that the faith was not misplaced. You will do the right thing as you always have."
Dean nodded.
"Rest, my son. You've earned it. You'll need it for the battle ahead."
And before Dean's eyes the woman disappeared. He took in a breath and remarkably, he felt better, more at peace than he had been for a long time. She had been right. Dean was hurt and would be for awhile, but Sam was his brother. He had already forgiven him, but he was far from trusting him. Not yet.
The only thing that still frightened him was what he was going to do. He still had no idea. He'll need to figure out what he believed was the right thing and go with his gut. It had never steered him wrong.
FIN. Hope you enjoyed it. Thanks for reading.