OFFICIAL REPORT TO THE COUNCIL: DATING IN THE LEP by Commander Julius Root

Ever since Lili Frond became involved in the LEP, the issue of police dating has been one of the Council's (and my) chief annoyances. With two females currently holding rank (Commander Vinyaya and Captain Short) this is something that needs to be addressed as soon as possible. Therefore I have compiled this report to hopefully shed some light on the situation.

MY RULES FOR DATING:

1. Don't do it.

2. Don't do it.

3. Don't do it.

4. If you lack the self-control to follow these three guidelines, my advice is to only date outside the LEP.

5. If you already have your eye on a fellow police member, proceed, but with two exceptions: don't date Commander Vinyaya or Captain Short. I will fire you.

6. Why not Commander Vinyaya? She's too busy (i.e. her affections are already *cough* engaged).

7. Why not Captain Short? She's also too busy (i.e. any of you idiotic young louts try anything – ahem, I mean jeopardize her career – I'll personally beat your heads in).

8. If you want to date Corporal Lili Frond, your standards are waaaay too low and I should consider demoting you.

9. If you're a male and the police officer you want to date is not one of these females, then you're going to have to handle it yourself.

10. My advice to female officers, present and future, is: don't date anyone in the LEP. Trust me, the uniforms look good on us but we're all a bunch of idiots. Well, most of us are. There might be two or three who aren't morons. Maybe one or two. Maybe just one.

11. If you insist on dating, DON'T MARRY.

12. If you insist on marrying, DON'T HAVE KIDS.

13. If you insist on having kids, ENROLL THEM IN THE ACADEMY. Hopefully you have lots of male kids.

14. If you take one of the two female officers on a date, don't buy drinks. I don't want them getting in an accident on the way home.

15. To the female officers: if you date someone, be sure to at least bring a buzz baton along to keep them in line. Maybe a Neutrino, depending on their reputation. Possibly have Foaly plant tracking devices on everybody. Keep a line open to a Retrieval squad in case you need help dumping a truculent date.

16. Don't date cross-species. It's more trouble than it's worth. This is good if you're an elf. If you're not, your life sucks anyway, so you should be used to it.

I thought it might also be helpful to give my personal opinion on dating as a seasoned officer. After all, I certainly have enough experience to speak with authority on this matter.

MY PERSONAL OPINION OF DATING:

1. Dating sucks. Trust me. It's a gargantuan waste of time.

2. Dating detracts from your focus. Focus is everything. You didn't join the LEP to meet females, seeing as it's extremely unlikely that you will meet any at all. If you're a sprite, you live to meet females, so this theory doesn't apply.

3. Dating drains your energy for the job. An appropriate use of your free time is to put in extra hours on a simulator, read up on weapon manuals, do weight training, spend quality time thinking negative thoughts about your least favourite criminals, or cancel your request for a pay increase. All these things make an ideal officer. Dating does not.

4. Last of all, just remember: dating is for sops, not cops. I'm a crack LEPrecon and I have absolutely no room in my brain for sentimentalism, as my brain can hold one thing at a time and one thing only. I highly recommend this state for everybody.

My summary of this report, therefore, is this: If you want to climb the police ladder, don't date.