Pickup Lines

by Broken Oken

For once in his life, maybe this one worked. MileyOliver oneshot.

Hey guys, random oneshot that's kinda funny... sorta. I don't know if I like it or not, but it's long enough that I had to post it or I'd be mad at wasting all that time.

So hopefully you enjoy!

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Pickup Lines
by Broken Oken

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"Mileyyyyyyy."

"No."

"But Miiileeey—"

"No."

"But MILEY—"

"I said no, Oliver, you are going to sit through this movie with me, with no interruptions, or else I'll be forced to shove a pumpkin down your throat."

An irritated Oliver Oken folded his arms tightly across his chest and sunk himself lower into the leather of the couch so that his feet would reach the end of the table in front of him. He didn't hold back a roll of his eyes; it'd be obvious to anyone what he was feeling at the moment, with the hateful expression disrupting his normally cheerful face. He was just plainly too angry to be sitting where he was, and not doing what he wanted to be doing, which was God only knows what really, but it wasn't to be stuck at home, er, Miley's home, on an October Friday night watching some horror flick starring stupid Zac Efron.

"What if I like pumpkins shoved down my throat?" he asked her snobbishly. "What if they're my favorite food in the entire world? Then what?"

"Did I mention it's going down with the candle lit inside of it?"

Oliver grumbled his annoyance with another eye roll.

"I don't know what you're complaining about anyways," she continued from behind the couch, digging through what he assumed to be a DVD collection of newest releases. "This is gonna be a good one. I just know it."

"Uh huh," he agreed sarcastically. "More like, you're just going to drool over your little Zaccy-poo. Don't think Vanessa would appreciate that, you know—"

At that, a DVD case came flying into one of his cheeks. He yelped, rubbing the spot where it had hit, and tilted his head to glare at Miley, who had just appeared at the end of the couch with her hands on her hips.

"Now that wasn't very nice. You could've scarred this beautiful creation." He began to stroke his cheek lovingly.

She looked at him with mock surprise, holding a hand out by her mouth. "Oh dear, did that hit you? I'm sorry, I was aiming for the TV, but your big head got in the way."

"Yeeeah, how about you save that one for Jake Ryan."

Miley couldn't help it; she had to smile at that one as she sat herself down next to him. "Well, maybe you should stop stealing his lines."

"What lines?"

She ran a hand against her cheek dramatically. "'You could've scarred this beautiful creation,'" she mocked. "Puh-lease. That's copyright ego-boy."

He smirked. "He stole that from me actually."

"Oliver, no one is as cocky as Jake Ryan. No one."

"Oh yeah? I bet I can be worse if I try."

She looked at him doubtfully. "Uh huh."

"Just listen—baby, you're gorgeous," he suddenly positioned himself to look directly down into her eyes as he said it, and Miley felt a weird, awkward feeling in the pit of her stomach as he did so. "It's almost as good as looking in the mirror."

She smacked him lightly in a playful manner, yet oddly felt disappointment, which didn't make sense since she wouldn't really want Oliver to call her gorgeous… 'cause that would just be, well, weird.

"Good one, eh?" he asked her, wiggling his eyebrows up and down at her with an evil grin.

"Nah," she said, averting her attention away from him to make the weird feeling disappear. "Jake's still worse."

"Okay then, let's see here." Oliver glanced around the room for a brief moment, then back at her. "Okay, I know you've been wondering, and yes, it's true, I did fall from heaven."

Miley tried not to smile as she feigned a yawn. "Laaame."

"Well, okay, fine," Oliver gave in. "I'm not as cocky as Jake Ryan, I admit it. Honestly, you're right, that's impossible. His locker was close to mine in eighth grade—and I swear he had pictures of himself hung in it everywhere. With hearts around them."

"I believe it. He told me once he had to have his butler get new pool water because it wasn't clear enough to see his reflection."

Oliver stared at her. "Wow."

"Yeah, he's a cocky one."

"Well, he might be the cocky one, but I've still got the magic of pickup lines." He winked at her, and she struggled not to smile with another roll of her eyes.

"Yeah, because you've had so many girlfriends this semester…"

"Hey!" he accused with a finger in her face, and she smiled bigger at it. "It's just cause I haven't found anyone worthy enough to deserve my magic."

"Wow, maybe you are cockier than Jake Ryan…"

"Be quiet!" he poked her on the nose, and she grinned wider.

"Well, let's hear some of these 'magical' lines."

"Alright…fine. Then I'm turning off the TV for the full effect." He reached for the remote and clicked a button quickly before looking back to Miley, determination strong on his face.

The silence and him just staring at her so intensely caused another loop in Miley's stomach, but she chose to ignore it and to just sit there and look at him amusedly instead. This was going to be good.

"Do you like water?" he asked simply, not a trace of humor or happiness on his face.

She stared at him, smiling as her mouth hung in disbelief. "And what does that have to do with anything?"

"Just answer it!"

She jumped. "Uhh… well, yes. I love water."

He narrowed his eyes in a seductive attempt. "Then you love over seventy percent of my body."

Miley burst out laughing on the spot. "That's actually… funny!"

For some reason, she noticed a weird sparkle in Oliver's eye as she giggled. And a genuine smile had appeared on his lips.

"No, no, no!" he told her. "You just wait, I've got one that's even better."

"Okay, okay," Miley stopped her giggling, yet not letting go of her grin, "Go."

"Weeeell, let's count shoulders, Miles," he said, pointing an arm to his right shoulder, "That's one," then his left, "Two," then Miley's right, "Three," then when he made to go for her left, he brought her in more closely than intended, and faltered awkwardly when he realized the gap between their faces was now only a few inches apart.

Something in his stomach squirmed.

"…four," he whispered.

She couldn't really breathe as she gazed up at him. She was so frozen she was almost positive she couldn't even get her eyes to blink. They never got this close. Not ever. And why was her heart beating so fast? That was just Oliver's breath brushing against her lips… Oliver's breath that smelt so wintry-fresh… Oliver's lips looking so… enticing…

Before she knew what was happening, Oliver sharply flew backwards from her, breathing heavily with a shocked expression.

She blinked once, twice, and blushed immediately.

And let's just say that his face wasn't exactly without red either.

They sat there on either ends of the couch, absorbing the moment that had just passed between them. Dead silence, and as they were both thinking, one hundred percent awkwardness.

"You almost kissed me."

Miley slapped a hand over her mouth, and then removed it to better explain herself.

"I mean, no. You didn't."

Oliver stared. "Yeah… you're right. I was just… um… inspecting your…nose hairs."

"Nose hairs?!"

He flinched at the abrupt anger that had been made present in her voice—she was obviously over the awkward part now.

"I mean—oh, c'mon, Miley, you know I can't talk under pressure!"

"NOSE hairs?!"

"Miileeeeey!"

She retrieved the DVD case in one quick movement and threw it at his head. Surprisingly he had enough time to duck, and it promptly hit the lamp beside him instead, causing it to shake, tremble, and pointblank crash! onto the floor.

The loud sound of shattering left the two sitting there speechless. Well, for a moment anyways until a certain donut decided to open his mouth—

"You totally just broke that lamp."

Miley's jaw dropped again. "No I didn't!"

He looked appalled. "Well I didn't do it!"

"Yes you did! You said I have nose hairs!"

"Well, I was just stating a fact and—"

That was all she needed to hear. Miley pounced upon him, fingers outstretched to strangle him. He grabbed a pillow to block the angry woman off, but she pushed it away, now practically straddling him on the couch as he held out his arms to shield his face.

"TAKE IT BACK!" she yelled.

"Miley! Get off me!"

"TAKE IT BACK!!"

"I can't breathe!"

"Oh, am I fat now, too?!"

"I CAN'T BREATHE! HEEEELP!"

Not even a second later, Robbie Ray cheerily strode into the room, holding a rolled up newspaper, but stumbled as he saw the scene presented before him. It took a few seconds to register.

His daughter was on top of a boy.

On a couch.

The TV was off.

And… what was left of a lamp was on the floor.

Things added up in his head almost immediately.

"Just what is going on here?"

Miley lifted her head instantly at the familiar stern voice. "Daddy?"

"Mr. Stewart?" Oliver questioned, before throwing his arms up in celebration, causing him to accidentally push Miley off his body, and she plummeted onto the floor with a loud grunt.

"I'm saved!" he cheered.

"Daddy!" she ran up to him at once. "I-It's not what it looks like—"

"Oh, it's exactly what it looks like," Oliver remarked from the couch, nodding his head firmly, obviously not understanding what was really being accused.

"Is it now?" Robbie Ray crossed his arms, beginning to glare at the back of Oliver's head.

"Yep," he replied. "You shoulda seen it, Mr. Stewart. She attacked me."

"Really?"

Miley frantically ran to Oliver then and roughly slapped her hands around his mouth. "Oliver! No!" she looked guiltily to her father, a cheesy smile plastered onto her lips. "He doesn't mean it like that—"

"No, no, Miley Ray, I've heard quite enough."

"But dad, I wasn't—I mean, it's Oliver—how could you thi—"

Oliver was screaming muffled things under her hand as the conversation went on.

"Well, I guess I can say that I'm glad it's Oliver, bud. I always knew you guys would end up together."

Suddenly Oliver was coughing under her hands, and she moved them away in disgust as he continued to hack.

"Together?" he repeated. "Oh, wait, you thought we were—oooooohhh no! No no no! I wouldn't ever—I mean, I don't think I would—weeeell—" the death look on the elder's face caused him to continue very quickly, "I mean, no, no! I wouldn't want you to kill me, Mr. Stewart, because well, I'm very young. I have many more years to live—"

Miley stared at him, astounded at the awkward rant before finally deciding to interrupt, "What Oliver is trying to say, dad, is that we were not… kissing. We were—well, I was trying to kill him before you could, you see, since he did try to kiss me earlier."

"He what?"

"I did not!" Oliver rebutted, color rising up in his face.

"Oh yes you did!"

"No! You tried to kiss me!"

"Yeah, right! Me kiss you! That's funny!" Miley forced out a laugh. "You were the one that was all, 'let's count shoulders'!"

"Oh, the counting shoulders trick, hm?" Robbie Ray asked, dipping his head to look at him both knowingly and threateningly.

Oliver continued to blush a bright scarlet. "But, but she—she told me to do it!" He pointed to a flabbergasted looking Miley.

Robbie Ray changed his view to his daughter.

"No I didn't!" she yelled at Oliver. "Stop blaming all of this on me! You were the one coming onto me!"

"I was not coming on to you!"

"Yes you were!"

"No I wasn't!"

"You were all, 'you love water and my body blah blah blaaaahh'!"

Oliver suddenly smirked. "Well, who doesn't?"

Miley scrunched her face up in frustration. "Riiight, and—oh, and you called me gorgeous!" she smiled triumphantly, while Oliver growled.

"Oh, I'm sorry, I'll call you ugly next time!"

The two were in each other's faces by then when Robbie Ray decided to take action by capturing Miley by the arm to pull her away.

"Wee doggies, this is better than reality television."

Oliver, however, ignored the comment and remained glaring at Miley. "See if I watch this stupid movie with you now!"

She gasped. "You wouldn't!"

"You're right. I wouldn't." he stood up to leave, when Robbie Ray took a step forward.

"Now, now, son, don't think you're getting off that easy."

He turned around slowly, wincing in pain. "Oh no…"

"Oh yes," Robbie Ray nodded with a smile. "You're gonna watch the movie with Miley."

Miley lightly slapped her dad's arm. "And you call that a punishment? What's that supposed to mean?"

"That watching a movie with you is torture, duh," Oliver remarked, and Miley ran forward to strangle him again, but her dad held her back.

"Wow, you guys really are gonna kill each other."

"Exactly," Miley said. "Which is why it's a good idea to just make him leave!"

"Nah, you guys need to make up sometime."

They both looked at Robbie Ray in revulsion, then at each other, and turned away simultaneously.

Robbie Ray merely laughed as he walked away. "Enjoy the movie, you two."

They still stood there after he left, backs turned to each other when Oliver twisted his head slowly around. He then noticed she was looking, too, so he speedily refaced the wall.

"Okaaay," Miley said. "You can't be mad at me forever. I honestly don't really know why you are anyways."

He turned all the way around, looking distressed. "You were like, holding me up to him like a… a tuna fish to a shark! You were—" he gasped, "You were trying to kill me!"

"Um, how?"

"Telling him I tried kissing you. And hello! He's your father!"

Miley didn't answer. She tilted her head a little, examining him curiously. He felt a little heated and oddly nervous under her critical gaze.

"What?" he got out, colder than he had intended.

"Nothing. Just…here, I'll just put the DVD in."

She did reach for the DVD then, which was currently still on the floor from when she had thrown it at Oliver's head—and missed. The lamp was also still sitting there… in piece, of course.

"Dad forgot about the lamp thing, I guess," she said lamely, as she bent over to insert the DVD into the player.

Oliver, who had been looking around the room in boredom and somewhat annoyance, turned back to Miley…

… just in time to be faced with her, er, rear end.

He didn't understand why, but he felt a great hotness burn his cheeks at that, so he hurriedly turned the other way. "Y-yeah, I guess so."

She got up then, walking over to the couch and sat herself down comfortably.

"Well, let's get this over with."

He sat down on the couch as well… as far as he could away from her. Hopefully she wouldn't notice and accuse him of anything weird.

"Are you kidding me?"

She had noticed apparently.

"Well, I'm scared of what could happen if I sat closer to you," he tried to explain, and then realized how wrong it sounded. "Well, not like in that way, you wouldn't kiss me anyways, haha…ha."

Miley shook her head amusedly at the awkward-sounding laughter as she pressed play on the remote. "Then come sit over here." Her other hand lightly patted the cushion next to her.

"You want me to?"

"As long as you don't try counting our shoulders. I already know I have two, and you have two. End of that."

He smiled. "I won't."

"Then get your behind over here!" she demanded playfully.

He did as he was told, feeling sort of awkward being so close to her again. Which was strange because he'd sat next to her on the couch many times. Come to think of it, he usually always did whenever he got the chance. Hm.

The movie began in a typical scary movie scene—a dark tunnel with a girl, shaky and crying, walking down it, looking scarred and just plainly messed up.

He felt Miley shift next to him, so he looked at her, and she had her eyes squinted, and a hand worriedly up to her lips.

Oliver didn't know what was going on because she suddenly didn't look like the usual Miley he saw most of the time. The white flicker of the screen was brushing against her face, accentuating her eyelashes, eyes, cheeks…

He swallowed as a word he had earlier jokingly described her as filled his mind—

Gorgeous.

Catching him off guard, she turned to him as she had felt his gaze. "What?"

He kept staring at her, not wanting to break eye contact. "You really are gorgeous, you know."

Miley drew back a little. "W-w-what?"

"Er," he smiled unsurely. "Just thought you should know?"

"Is that some sort of pickup line?"

He grinned, unintentionally putting an arm around her. "Maybe. Is it working?"

The look on Miley's face showed a struggle between laughter and curiosity. It was like her lips were twitching, but there was something different shining in her eyes.

"Oh…you," she got out awkwardly, returning back to the movie in front of them.

Oliver pretended to be engrossed in the movie, too, but at random moments he would find himself stealing glances at the girl next to him. For some reason, he didn't want to stop looking at her. It boggled his mind—had he seriously always had a gorgeous girl around him like this before, and just never noticed? What medication had he been on?

"Hey Miley," he said a little further on into the movie, but she didn't tear her eyes off the screen, just replied with a murmur of, "Hm?"

He inched closer towards her on the cushion—but only slightly so she wouldn't notice.

"I got another pickup line."

"Fine," she lifted the remote, pressing the pause button before looking at him. "What?"

He felt nervous, as if he was on national television, which was stupid since it was only Miley. He'd done way more embarrassing things in front of Miley, and thinking back now, all those things seemed darn right impossible.

How did he burp and—well, other things?

Sweating, he tugged at the collar of his shirt. "I just couldn't, uh, help but to notice, that, um… your… lips…" he paused.

"My lips what?" Miley pressed.

"Your lips…looklonelywouldtheyliketomeetmine?"

He shut his eyes, when he heard, "Boy with cheesy pickup lines say what?"

Frustrated with himself, he slowly repeated, "Your lips look…lonely. Would. They. Like. To. Meet. Mine?"

She slightly laughed. "Good one."

As she went to reach for the remote, Oliver silently cursed himself for being out-of-the-blue brave as he put a hand over hers. She seemed to freeze at his touch and look up at him questionably.

"That…wasn't…a joke."

An unnerving feeling pinched Miley's stomach as the words left his mouth. "W-what?"

Blushing never seemed so easy for Oliver in his life. "It…wasn't a joke."

"It…wasn't?"

"Well…yeah, that's what I just said…"

"Oh."

"Yeah."

"…"

"…"

The two stared uncomfortably at each other, neither sure what to do next. Miley was guessing that Oliver would try and proceed with his idea, and she didn't totally know what she would do if he tried. Oliver, on the other hand, was trying to figure out a way to rewind time so he could stop himself from saying what he did. Miley would never kiss him, he had found that out the hard way only about an hour ago, so why was he suggesting that they should? Of all the stupid pickup lines to use…

What really happened was not what either expected at all. Oliver's mouth opened by itself, and in his idiotic state of embarrassment, he found the following stupid statement to evaporate from his lips—

"I mean, it was a joke. Haha."

The tension seemed to break, and Oliver cursed to himself again as he saw something flicker in Miley's eyes that seemed a lot like anger… or…disappointment? Well, whatever it was, it was replaced immediately with a vacant, empty emotion, and she softly spoke, "Oh…okay. Haha. Yeah. Good one."

And he didn't think it was possible, but she sadly turned the movie back on. He actually didn't think anyone could make pushing a button a remote look so depressing, but she managed to do it.

He shrunk back a little from her, wishing to die right then and there, or just to leave, something, anything to get him out of the predicament he was currently stuck in. His eyes shifted back to her, and could sense an aura of sadness wavering around her… did she want him to kiss him? Was that why she was sad?

The dull glimmers of the movie screen continued flashing against her facial features, and Oliver once again, was finding his throat very, very dry. Even with her eyebrows drooped in despair, and the outline of a frown on her mouth, she still looked… gorgeous. And he suddenly knew what he had to do.

"I'm sorry, but I can't take it any longer, I'm doing this whether you hate me later or not."

On an impulse, Oliver took Miley's surprised face into his hands, not bothering to notice her gasp before he pushed his lips against her own.

At first Oliver thought he had either literally frozen the girl, or just ruined basically everything between them for the rest of their lives since she wasn't moving or responding. But just as he started to pull away, lifeless Miley breathed again and pressed her own lips back into his.

He swore he felt her smile in her kiss, making his cheeks raise in approval as well. His arms wove themselves around her body tightly as he continued to kiss her. At the moment it wasn't registering that he was kissing his best friend, who he had literally only thought of as his best friend until about thirty minutes ago, but he really didn't care. Because it felt right—whatever was happening, it really did feel like it was supposed to be happening.

Miley was experiencing a similar emotion. However, she fully well knew she was kissing Oliver Oken because since he had almost kissed her earlier, her mind had been left wandering how it could've been like all night. And now she was experiencing it, and it was not as awkward as she had imagined. Oliver definitely wasn't holding back anything. He was kissing her as if he'd been doing it all his life—like he'd been made to do it or something.

Oliver didn't really know how long they kept it up, but it must've been quite awhile since the next time he opened his eyes, the credits were rolling on the TV screen. He broke the kiss instantly, sort of smiling as Miley came at him again to continue, but then held up a hand to block her.

"We—need—to breathe—sometime."

Indeed now they were both breathing, but they were sharp intakes of air, looking almost painful, which amused the other to a great degree, leaving them with mirror grins on each other's faces.

"Oliver," Miley choked.

Oliver tried to reply to her response, but it just sounded raspy and weird, causing him to laugh, and then Miley to join in as well.

"Ol-iver," Miley got out again before falling into another fit of giggles at her own voice. Oliver chuckled along with her, and soon they were both just dying of laughter, which didn't exactly help with the no-breathing thing.

Robbie Ray chose that precise moment to walk in, sporting his usual newspaper, and eyed the kids questioningly. "Well, I'm not gonna ask, but I'm glad you guys made up."

And just loudly for only Oliver to hear, Miley whispered, "Or made out," and they both snickered some more.

"So how was the movie, bud?" Robbie Ray continued from the kitchen.

"Oh! Uh! It was… it was…something…" she looked at Oliver for help, butterflies swirling in her stomach as he smiled adoringly at her.

"Scary! Terrifying! I was shaking in my boots, Mr. Stewart!" he said, nodding his head up at him, then winking back at Miley.

"Yeah, he's a wimp," Miley added.

"I am not a wimp."

"Yes you are."

"I'm very brave actually…" he looked into her eyes suggestively, and she pinked.

Robbie Ray watched this curiously. "You know… I've seen this movie, too. What was your favorite part?"

The two teenagers' eyes quickly widened.

"Um… the beginning of course," Miley said.

"Really?" Oliver looked at her, and she gave him a look. "Oh, well, you see, Mr. Stewart, I was more partial to the end… the ending was…great."

Another suggestive look to her. She kicked him on the foot slightly.

"Oh? What happened at the end?" Robbie Ray asked, cocking an eyebrow. "That's the only part I missed."

Oliver winced. "The…credits?"

Miley kicked him harshly this time, but continued to smile at her dad brightly. "Oliver means that the evil creature was defeated!"

"What evil creature? It was a person who was killing everyone."

"Which makes him an evil creature!" Oliver added, raising a finger.

"Right…" Robbie Ray looked at the two for a moment, both of which were offering huge, commercial-like smiles. His eyes fell to the lamp on the floor. "You gonna clean that up?"

"Uh, yes, just give me a few minutes," Miley answered nervously.

He nodded before walking away, and then disappearing up the stairs.

Oliver and Miley smiled at each other. At last they were alone again…

Robbie Ray suddenly darted back in the room with an outstretched finger. "AHA!"

Oliver and Miley looked up, both with similar alarmed expressions. However, they were only sitting on the floor, collecting the shards of the broken lamp as Robbie Ray had instructed.

Robbie Ray scratched his head. "But… I thought—"

"Thought what, Daddy?"

"Yeah, don't tell me you were thinking we were—" Oliver made a face. "Kissing?! Not again!"

Miley, hiding her smile, stood then, striding towards her dad and putting a hand against his back. "Wow, I think you just need to lie down and take a nap." He started to speak, but she interjected, "No, no, shh, give in to your age and get some sleep. It's good for the old."

"Yeah, my mom sleeps all the time," Oliver said thoughtfully. "Old people always sleep." Robbie Ray glowered at him, and he speedily went on, "But not you, Mr. Stewart! You're not old. Just old…er than us!"

Miley chuckled inwardly as she led her dad back up the stairs.

"Really, Dad… me and Oliver kissing? … not if my lips were the loneliest pair on earth…"

And with that being said, she snuck an impish grin and wink back at Oliver.

He stood there, gazing at her for a puzzled moment. And then, before he knew what he was doing, his thoughts left his mouth—

"Well, I sure gave them some company anyways."

…

"WHAT?!"

END.

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Haha, I hope you get who said that last line since I didn't say who. Anyways, I think characterization wise, this kinda sucked. But other than that...tell me your thoughts?