That's the part that I hate the most… the loneliness. I mean, I could deal with it up to a point where it started to mean nothing but, then I thought of you. I didn't want to, but just like you always have, you popped right back into my life, only to torture me further by not feeling the same way…
I'll always be alone. It doesn't matter how I go about things, I seem to always end up alone. From Elisabeth Bennet and Mr. Darcy to Cinderella and Prince Charming, there seems to always be a happy ending somewhere. I wish god believed in happy endings, it would definitely make my life so much easier. But just like he has proved to be numerous times… it just doesn't seem to be written in the stars with all of that destiny crap. That is probably my problem. Not believing in destiny and all of that. I have never felt more alone than I do now. I mean while I was growing up it didn't really bother me as much because my friends didn't really have anyone either, but as time pasted that changed… for all of them. My friend, the one I thought would never have a boyfriend… found love. The worst part about that is I might also be in love with her lover. I know that sounds crazy but I can't help it. At first he just seemed like a nice guy, but as I got to know him…maybe one day he could love me back? No, that's crazy. Who could love me, who WOULD love me? No one…that is the answer that always seems to come circling back. Like a boomerang or the earth on its orbit, circling constantly, never veering off course. Because that sort of thing doesn't happen, just like that love that I will never have…
How do I tell him? I don't. I want to so badly, but I know if I do, I will hurt one of the most important people in my life. This is what I call a, lose – lose situation. Nothing ever seems to work out in the end for me. Mia. Dreaming is one of the most important things to ever be possible. It is my happy ending, which I can only experience while I am sleeping or day dreaming. But day dreaming can be a very hurtful path to a happy ending. Me, being as unfortunate as I am, am usually awaken from my happy ending, which is then quickly replaced with a nightmare. The one guy that I have ever really liked is within arms reach but somehow there is still a barrier between. Like an invisible force field. One that I cannot get past, no matter how hard I try. That's the thing that gets me the most, it doesn't matter how much I urn, that's just something I can, and will, never have. How ever depressing it may seem, I deal. I've learned to deal because it never works out for me. Am I that repulsive? Honestly? I guess I am… No one will ever understand, never.