SUMMARY: Lorelai writes in her journal about her break up with Luke, her break up with Chris. Its an inside view on how she might feel about the situation…
DISCLAIMER: I do not own any of the Gilmore Girls characters or the story it is based on… If I did Luke and Lorelai would be married… lol
Authors Note: I am an Australian and have not been able to see the last few episodes of season 7 coz its been taken of you tube… So I may be a bit behind… sorry! And this is one of my first fan fics, so please R&R.
I am Changing:
There are times in life when you wish you could go back in time and pick another path that would hopefully end with a better final result. But the truth is we can't. we are stuck with the result of the path we took, whether it be good or bad. And no matter how hard we try we never seem to be able to find where abouts on the path we hit the pitchfork that took us to were we are.
For months I have been walking around trying to hide my pain; my pain over Luke. Yes, it was hard to admit, but I still love him. And I think I always will. But that doesn't mean I'm going to be able to fix our mess.
Too much has happened for that. Neither of us are the same person as we were back then. He is a father and I am an ex-wife. Both change a person forever. It's not as if we can just forget these things. But that doesn't mean I wish we could. It's one of those things.
I will always wonder what it would be like to be Mrs Luke Danes. What it would be like to wake up to him everyday, hear him call out to me as I enter the house after getting home, to smell his cologne. But now I am left to wake up in an empty house and hoping, that he will once again be mine, is the only reason to get out of bed.
It's all a façade. I put on a smile but inside I am slowly shutting down. Slowly but surely fading into obliveration and nobody will notice.
I mean yes Rory will notice, and my parents. But my parents won't care. They will be so over the moon that there will be a parade with a marching band. My parents have that power. But apart from my family I have no one. I have Sookie but she has her own family, and Michelle, where do I start?
It feels as if I'm in a big hole in the ground, and nobody cares about handing me a ladder to get out. They walk passing stopping to look but continue right on with their lives. And that hurts, knowing that people could help if they wanted.
I sit here writing this and wonder, would I stop and help if I were them? And the funny thing is I said yes. But is that because I am… That's me right? The loud, talkative person who always makes everyone else's business her business. Well that's the me that everyone knows. But there is more to me than that. I am a kind, caring, considerate person, but people just don't see that. And I think that's because they don't want to see it!
But Luke… Luke saw it. He always had. And I was so grateful for that. He seemed to be able to see right through to the heart of me – cliché I know but it's true. And I think that's one of the reasons I love him. Because he doesn't take me for face value.
But I can't have that anymore. And I don't think that I will be able to be with anyone else whole-heartedly, knowing what I lost. Knowing that my knight in shining armour has come and gone.
I can't sit around dwelling on the past. What is in the past is in the past. I have to move on. Yes I will always wish, hope and dream that I will be Mrs Danes. But for now I have to accept that I wont and try to move on with my life.