Dedications: This is dedicated to my stepbrother for telling me his humiliating and inspirational story, his fiance for humiliating him into telling us this story, and to my special friend weasleyismyking17, as a belated birthday present. :D
Cubic Zirconium
Roy knew it was the right decision. He and Ed would commit to each other for life. Now, just for the perfect symbol for their, well, rather imperfect commitment. Let's see, the perfect ring for Ed… and he saw it! A masculine ring, a wide band of yellow gold, with a single, unadorned ruby set in the center, which would fit nicely under any gloves Ed would need to wear.
It's perfect! He thought. Well, until he saw the price tag. Ooh, ouch. Steep. Hey, but this one's just as good, and it's cheaper! He indicated a slightly smaller, very similar ring to purchase. It was just a red cubic zirconium, but he didn't think Ed would have the knowledge of fine jewelry to be able to tell the difference. Hell, it was genuine yellow gold, anyway. "I'll take this one, please." He paid for his fraudulent emblem of commitment, and left the jewelry store, fairly pleased with himself for his cleverness.
"Holy shit, Roy, I just don't know what to say."
"You don't have to say anything. You don't even need to wear it on your hand – just keep it on your watch chain, or something."
"Thanks so much, Bastard," Ed said affectionately, and leaned in to kiss Roy.
Roy was relieved – Ed bought it! He even wore it on his left ring finger. Roy's happiness over Ed's blissful ignorance about his ring lasted only till about two weeks later, when Roy came home to a rather frightening sight; Ed in a state of cool lividity, smiling in the most frightening manner. Next he knew, a small flash of yellow and red was flying directly at his forehead, and hit him right between the eyes.
"Hello, Roy."
"What's wrong, Ed?" Roy inquired, rubbing the sore spot between his ocular faculties.
Ed exploded. "Roy Mustang, you are the most immitigable and comprehensive ass I've ever had the displeasure of living with! I'm counting Shou, too!"
"Again, Ed, what the hell's the matter? Ouch!"
"You bought me a fake ring, Bastard! I went to get it cleaned today, and the lovely people at the pawnshop let me know it was just a pretty cubic zirconium! Asshole!"
"Fake?! The people at the store assured me it was -"
"Oh, cut the crap, Bastard, you're getting me a real ring! Bastard! Bastardbastardbastardbastard bastardbastard!"
Roy hung his head in shame, and palmed the ring that had bounced off his cranium and onto the carpet; he'd been caught red-handed, and knew he'd have to make up for it tenfold.
"Okay, Ed. I'll get you a new ring. A real one, too, I promise."
Roy sighed. He was really sad - how'd he get himself into this mess? Oh, yeah – he'd tried to con the love of his life into accepting a shitty ring, in an effort to spend a little less money. Now, he was being forced to spend thousands on a good ring, on top of the hundreds of dollars he'd paid for the genuine-gold-but-still-costume ring he'd tried to pass off on Ed. Aw, fuck.
He returned to the jewelry store and sought out the first ring, the perfectly masculine one, and gladly paid full price for it. After that altercation he'd had with Ed, he knew he'd have to put a little cherry on top, too.
Searching for Ed's "cherry" proved to be somewhat difficult, though, as Ed was rather utilitarian and unromantic, and Roy knew Ed only accepted the ring because it was small and unobtrusive to his practical life. Flowers were definitely out of the question, as were candies. He missed the idiotic women he used to date – at least he knew they'd like flowers and candy. He sighed deeply – why'd he have to choose someone so complicated as Ed? Why? Why! He rued the day ever laid eyes on –
But hark! What did he see across the street from the jewelry store but the most beautiful, winsome creation he'd ever witnessed! Such a beautiful, curvaceous body, such headlights! And she was for sale! Oh, happy day! Roy practically skipped across the street as he hurried to capture his prize.
Ed sighed, frustrated. Why did he let Roy drag him out here, blindfolded? Roy didn't deserve anything, much less these strange little favo-
"Okay, open your eyes!" Roy exclaimed gleefully.
Ed reluctantly complied, and when he finally peeked, his eyes grew wide with shock and surprise.
"Holy SHIT, Roy, you've GOT to be shitting me!" And he ran with much gladness towards the practical, dependable, shiny, beautiful, almost new Model A Roy had found across the street from the jewelry store, with a "For Sale" sign stuck in the windshield and had purchased for his practical lover.
"No, in fact, I'm not, Edward. I shouldn't have lied to you. I really was an "immitigable and comprehensive ass" before, and I knew I had to make it up to you somehow. I figured it'd be safer to aim high. I really hope you like it."
"You know, I think that'll do, Pig. I think it'll do." And in an action seeming to contradict his own words, he reached up, embraced Roy, and kissed him gratefully; just a little bit disappointed he could never give Roy any shit for anything, ever again.
Well, for the moment, at least.