AN: Here it is, then. The labors of virtually the last twenty-four hours. (Yes, I really write that slowly.) The end of the Inverse.
Disclaimer: Takaya Natsuki owns all, I own nothing.
Dedication: Angry Girl, I hope this answers your questions. And, because I'm mean like that, I hope it leaves you with some new ones.
"It must be lonely."
"What must be, Hana-chan?" Tohru looked up from packing.
At least, that was what Saki was calling it. In her head. Theoretically, Tohru was sorting through her purse. Getting rid of things she didn't need to carry around every day, putting in some other things she might need on her day trip. But the air of finality spoke very plainly of packing.
"Keeping the secret that is weighing on your conscience," Saki said solemnly.
"Secret?" Tohru flushed bright red. "I - I'm not - not a lot - not a big - maybe we could call it a surprise?"
"No," her friend answered measuredly. "I think not."
Tohru sighed. "Hana-chan - I love you and Uo-chan very much. I trust you with my life." There were circles under her eyes, and she was pale, but she wasn't sad. She had been, for months now, but today - she had finished moving back into her grandfather's house a week ago, and finally Saki had insisted on coming over to inspect her cousins, even if Uo-chan was busy working - the bruise all around her was fading. Saki was glad for that.
"But," she said, "not what you plan to do with it?"
"I just want to ask a few questions," Tohru reasoned. "I don't have any right to think anything will come of it. That would be terribly presumptuous." She smiled, and kissed Saki's cheek. "But I really have to go now, or I'll miss the bus. I'll see you soon, okay?"
"Will you?"
The question was lost in the bustle of coats being pulled on and goodbyes being called, and it was melodramatic anyway. Of course she would see Tohru again.
That did not change the fact that she'd (she wanted to say "lost" but it wasn't a game) failed. She'd said she would protect her.
They shared the same walk up to the corner, where Saki had to turn and Tohru had to wait for the bus. On the way, Tohru took her friend's hand for balance and walked with her head tipped back to look at the sky. It was overcast, snow threatening to weight the clouds down clear to the ground. "Isn't it nice to think," she said, "that it only takes one star to light up the whole world?"
"You know," Saki mused, "there are a great many stories about the sun leaving for the underworld. It goes through various travails, sometimes loses some things, and then comes back again."
"It is very reliable, isn't it." She laughed, and brought her gaze back down to earth, letting go of Saki's hand now that she could walk for herself.
"Yes," Saki agreed, "it is." Because of course it was. They just circled it and came back around again. All the ritual fires and cutting out of people's hearts - the sun came back either way.
Still. She could understand the urge to play it safe.
"It must… be lonely."
Rin spun around at the breathless voice, dropping her arms from where she'd been hugging herself to keep warm. She should have taken the coat by the door, but she'd seen Kagura watching to make sure she did, and that would have been like giving up… something. And Haru wasn't there to throw it after her, since he and Momiji were helping Yuki get the last odds and ends from Gure-niisan's house. Old house. So she didn't have a coat, and it had been longer than she'd thought, and she was freezing.
"What must be?" she snapped.
Tohru backtracked at the look in her eyes. "I - waiting out here for me? I didn't mean to make you wait." She bowed. "I'm sorry."
Rin shrugged. "It doesn't matter," she grumbled. "But let's get inside, and I can try and talk some sense into you there." She pushed Tohru in front of her through the gate into the inner complex, and ran her to Kagura's house, in through the back door, where they could stand dripping and, hopefully, getting warmer.
"Rin-san -"
"You can't do this."
Tohru looked miserable. "Rin-san doesn't have to help me -"
"I said I'd help you if you did it. And now I'm telling you that you can't."
She smiled a little, this time. "Rin-san is very kind to look out for me."
"I didn't say I cared or anything. But you could really mess things up if this goes wrong. And if it goes right -" nothing ever will be again. "Tohru - I don't think - now that Gure-niisan is doing whatever he's doing, and with everyone moving back in all of a sudden like this - I think I might not be…"
Tohru took her hand in a cold, damp mitten. "I'm sorry, Rin-san. I should have done better for you and Hatsuharu-san."
Rin resisted the urge to pull away, instead wrapping her fingers around the wool in her hand desperately, as if it would make Tohru meet her eyes. She needn't have worried; big and brown and unblinking, they waited out her scrutiny patiently. It didn't really help. They were just eyes, not windows to anywhere special.
"You still could," she said. "You can do better. Gure-niisan thinks you're the one, he must or he wouldn't have -"
"He moved back in here too," Tohru pointed out gently. "Rin-san knows she would do the same in my position."
"I am in your position. I've grown up in your position. Only I chose to try to do something about it, and you're giving up after a few years."
"Hatsuharu-san goes to school. He sees the sky. He can have a job, and see you and Yuki-kun and Momiji-kun every day." She shivers a little, even in her coat. "I don't mean that anyone has things worse than anyone else, but… Kyo-kun doesn't have any of that. He doesn't have anything."
Rin hugged herself again, even inside and starting to warm up on the skin. Her insides felt empty. She imagined herself deflating like a balloon and crumpling to the floor. Tohru would pick her up and hang her on a wall and dust her and talk to her every day. The thought made her want to laugh. "I know," she whispered, "but… what are we supposed to do?"
"I don't know." Tohru launched herself suddenly, grabbing Rin in a hug she had no time to dodge. She could have shoved her off, but Tohru was such a cry-baby, she would have been disproportionately wounded and it wasn't worth it. So it was okay to stand there in the wet-wool smell, with the cold cheek pressed against hers, and feel… okay.
Tohru stood back finally, and added, "But whatever you decide, I'll be here."
"It must be lonely."
"Ayame, I don't want to talk about it right now."
"That's exactly what I mean." His brother sighed, planting his hands on his hips and making of himself a portrait of the word 'vexed.' "Yuki, there's no reason for this. I know we could argue Akito around. You don't have to stay here forever, and if you become his doctor, that is exactly what will happen. You don't have to do everything on your own."
Yuki paused, just for a second, and let himself imagine it - letting Ayame take care of things, it working - and then Shigure laughed from the doorway.
"He's not Hatori," he said. Ayame looked as if he'd been hit.
Yuki watched the bits of doubt crawl in through the cracks - is he only trying this hard because I remind him of Hatori, now? - and resigned them to the pile of things to be ignored as much as possible. They were like motor oil - no getting rid of the smell, the feel, they left.
"Gure-san," Ayame said slowly, "I know who he is. Did you want something?"
"Oh, yes. Yuki-kun, have you seen Momitchi-kun? Haa-kun said he had that fake plant from my old office."
"He said he was taking it straight to your rooms." Yuki answered levelly.
"Drat the boy. If Hatsuharu got there first… oh well. Flights of youthful fancy." He sounded almost normal. Too normal. "If you see him, send him my way."
"Stop." Yuki frowned, tilting his head. "It's not fair to take it out on Ayame. I'm sorry that you lost… that you lost. But aim your talents somewhere else while you figure out what to do with them."
Shigure looked, for a moment, legitimately startled, and Yuki almost wished he could take it back, because Shigure should always know what was coming. Then there was that familiar moment of cold calculation, as Shigure moved the figures on the chessboard inside his head a little, and he smiled. "I can see why he reminds you of him, though," he finished, still to Ayame, before turning to go.
Yuki was too relieved that the chessboard was still there to want to insist again, and the conflicted gratitude on Ayame's face was making him too embarrassed to anyway. Still, he had started this, and he was going to finish it.
Only Shigure stopped dead in the doorway, and then stumbled back into the room when Rin hit his shoulder with her palm, walking in and dragging the door shut behind her. Behind her, and Momiji, and Tohru.
"Yuki-kun!" Tohru jumped forward, grabbing his hands with hers in a double-handshake that had all the warmth of a hug.
"Tohru-san - what are you -" he was not four years old, and he was not afraid that Akito was going to jump out of the walls and make her disappear. But she didn't belong here.
"I have to talk to Akito-san," she explained, turning in a whirl of greetings. "Shigure-san! It's so nice to see you, too, and Ayame-san, you look so handsome!"
The room seemed brighter. It mostly made the doorway look darker.
"Tohru-san," Yuki said, fighting to make sense out of his collapsing world, "you have to… what?" He looked at Momiji and Rin, who wore the identical expressions of miserable accomplices.
"I told her it was stupid," Rin spat, crossing her arms.
"I just wanted to help," Momiji offered.
Ayame held out both hands. "Wait, wait, wait. Tohru-kun, while seeing you is of course the deepest wish of my heart, and you have made me the happiest man alive with your sudden appearance - I think that perhaps there is some misunderstanding here."
"That, or she's suicidal," Shigure added. He was the only one who laughed.
Momiji coughed, drawing attention to himself. He's so much taller, Yuki thought irrelevantly. He'd had his growth spurt months ago. He just, Yuki realized, hadn't used it before. Not in front of him.
"If she doesn't talk to Akito," Momiji said, meeting each of their eyes in turn, "when do you think you'll see her again?"
Tohru laughed nervously into the blank silence. "Also, I should at least talk to him about my new job, to be sure it's okay with him." She beamed at Momiji, taking his hand. "Momiji-kun's father is letting me be a secretary at his company, instead of a cleaning lady!"
Someone knocked on the door, and before Yuki could do the first thing that came to mind, which was to just hold the door closed and claim it was stuck, Kagura slipped in, face drawn and tense. "He's alone right now. I don't know where Kureno-san is, but -"
"Why didn't I know about this?" Yuki glared at Kagura, since she would shake off his anger the most easily.
"Oh, Yun-chan…" she fiddled with the hem of her skirt. "We just didn't know how to tell you, when Tohru-kun asked Isuzu-chan… and we didn't want you to get in trouble… Momiji-kun and I only kind of slipped in by accident."
"She needed somewhere to stay." Momiji volunteered. "If this works, I mean. And I have room." He looked at Tohru the way Kyo used to, and Yuki felt a dull kind of pain in his gut. He'd gotten used to the idea of her and Kyo. This wasn't right. None of this was right. It grated sideways inside his chest.
Ayame looked at all of them, and said slowly, "I… let me talk to him first, at least. I'll get him used to the idea."
"No, Ayame-san," Tohru said gently. "You're very nice to offer, but I think this will work best if I just talk to him without it being something he has to get used to. I think he probably expects me anyway."
Rin was looking desperately at Shigure, and he was not looking back with an air of determination.
Yuki said, "Tohru-san - could I talk to you for a second?"
"Of course, Yuki-kun." She looked expectant, and so did he, and then she added, "Oh! You mean - oh. Okay. We'll just… and then go." She moved to the door, slipping it open and stepping outside. Yuki followed, closing it behind them and standing so that she was as hidden from any passers-by as she could be. There weren't many people who'd recognize her, he realized - all the secrecy was rather beside the point.
"What is it?" She whispered.
"Tohru-kun, please don't do this. We could still see you Outside. We'd rather know you're safe."
Her smile looked like something painted with tears. "I haven't seen you in weeks, Yuki-kun." She held up her hand when he started to talk. "I know you have university, and you have to commute from here, and it's hard. I know you're busy. We're all busy. But it's still been weeks. It's too easy to just…" she waved a hand, and it fluttered back to her side like a piece of falling paper.
"Use," Yuki finished, thinking of all the instances - he would have had time, but Akito needed one more thing (and how could he justify seeking her out now, when she was almost safe away from this family?) -
"Yuki-kun," she said, "you know - the sun is just a star. So, if you think about it, at night, there are more suns to be seen. Even if it is darker."
Then Kisa and Hiro walked up.
The entire family is going to stumble in like this, he had time to curse to himself before remembering that he'd been one of those stumbling - he wouldn't even have known until it was done if he hadn't been in that room.
"Nee-chan!" Kisa flung her arms around Tohru, and the two of them dissolved into kisses and questions.
Hiro looked at Yuki. "What is she -"
"Come on." Rin slammed the door open, grabbing Tohru's wrist. "You have to do this now, or we'll… let's just get it done, okay?"
"What is Nee-chan doing here?" Kisa asked, looking to Hiro.
"No
one's told me yet."
"We'll explain later," Rin said
more kindly, already leading the way. She didn't get very far
before Haru turned a corner and bumped into her.
"Oh," he said. "There everyone is. Hey, Sensei, I found your fake plant. I guess maybe Momiji didn't have it. I put it in your room." He beamed at Rin and Tohru's joined hands. "Rin has her friend."
"Did you know about this too?" Yuki asked, disbelief tingeing his voice.
"Know
about what?"
"No," Rin grated. "He didn't. We were
trying to keep you all out of trouble."
The clapping was slow, and quiet, and only three beats long, but it still made Yuki cringe, almost as much as the voice. "Well done," it congratulated. "Now, though, you are all verging on making me very unhappy." Akito detached himself from the shadows in the direction they'd been headed. "Honda Tohru." He smiled. "It is nice to see you here." In my place, the house finished for him, floorboards sighing beneath his feet as he walked forward, robes whispering along the ground behind him. On my ground.
"Akito-san - I'm sorry I didn't wait for an invitation." She sounded much calmer than Yuki felt. He took a step forward at the same time that Haru did, Momiji did, Ayame did, Kagura did, Kisa did, because of course they all thought they could help, be the one to persuade him -
"Stop." The smile had been insincere, and it was long gone now. "I am deeply uninterested in anything you have to say." His gaze scorched a line across all of them, the ground opening and leaving them hanging in the displeasure of god. "Except perhaps Honda Tohru."
He held out a hand.
Tohru took it.
"It must be lonely."
He hadn't been ready for her. He had not been ready at all for her like that - in a group of his juunishi, surrounded by them as if she were Christ suffering the little children to come unto her.
Fine. Let her be Christ. He was God, and God had never been quite so interested in turning the other cheek, unless it was to have better access to the eye.
No, he hadn't been ready - but this was better than he could have dreamed. Always wondering, just a little, after she'd slunk away to her mundane existence, if one of his mightn't stumble across her - if she mightn't change her mind - if…
But there would be no slow trickle of decreasing doubt that never went away. He had her here, and then she would be gone.
"Losing them," he continued, "losing everything." He smiled. "But I don't mean to rub it in. I imagine you're here to ask for something."
"Yes." She smoothed her coat, folding it over her knees. "I want to stay with you, too."
He stopped ticking off the list of things she might want that he was prepared to give in order to get her away, keep them all happy, because he was not unkind. "I don't understand."
"I think Akito-san must be lonely, too."
"This is about Kyo," he said impatiently. "The monster."
"It's about all of you," she corrected. "It's about me. You won, Akito-san. You won everything."
He leaned back. "I don't want you here."
"But they do."
He stood, moving to the window. "You have nothing to bargain with."
"They helped me get here. They protected me. I know you don't want to share them, and I'm not asking you to. Share me, instead."
He imagined it, to see if it was palatable. Her there, every day. Always knowing that they wanted to see her, that every moment they were with him she was just rooms, houses away.
Having her be his, just like them. Proving that she was no better, no different. Just another Sohma.
She took his silence as permission to continue. "Momiji-kun said I could stay with him. I wouldn't be a bother. I just want to see - everyone."
"You want to see the monster."
"Yes." A little hitch in her breath.
He was smiling, because she couldn't see his face. "You want to be a Sohma."
"…Yes."
"You know that the easiest way to do that is to get married." He turned around, smile gone, contemplating her.
"I know."
He couldn't help but smile now. "You think I'll let you marry him!" It was too funny. He wanted to laugh, but he could feel the coughs bubbling under the surface. He couldn't have an attack now, not now. He stepped closer to her, reaching down to tip her head back with a finger. "Do you know who eats at my heart with his insipid, romantic fascination with you almost as much as that cat?"
Finally, something she hadn't thought of, or hadn't let herself. She wavered.
"My Momitchi…" he sighed the name across her face. Then he turned, abruptly letting her go. "Of course, he's very young. You both are. That would be a long time from now. And it wouldn't mean anything. He'd still be mine, you'd still love Kyo. He would know you still love Kyo. But he would ask you, if it meant you could stay." She didn't respond, and he whipped back. "Well?" She was telling herself that she couldn't. "Kyo is very lonely, you know," he said. "He used to sleep on the roof, and now he can never even see the sun."
He could see something in her break. He couldn't feel it, the way he could with his juunishi, but maybe he didn't need to. As long as he could see her - keep track of her -
"If Momiji-kun asked me, when he's ready…" she said hesitantly. She was telling herself, now, that it wouldn't matter, it was a long time from now, it probably wouldn't happen, they'd forget by then. All the little things they told themselves to make this once alright when they knew it wasn't.
"You're not so different," he whispered. And they'd see that. When she and Momitchi and Kyo were wheeling in their circle of pain with only him to turn to for straightforward adoration - they'd all see.
He held out his hand, and she took it again. He pulled her up, and into his arms, even though she was a filthy Outsider and he'd have to scrub for hours to get the feel off his skin. She was warm, and soft. It didn't matter. He'd have to hold her for a very long time for his freezing skin to change. "I think, then, we can make a deal, Honda Tohru."
Weeks Later
"It must be lonely."
The girl jumped, and dropped the clothes she'd been about to move to her dresser from the box with a shriek.
There wasn't very much to move. There probably hadn't been very much justifying to do, even. Her relatives plainly didn't care much for her. She'd slipped in and out of their house like a girl retreating to her parents' home during a spat with a lover, only to move right back when it was straightened out.
"Oh - I - I'm sorry, I didn't see you - um - I'm Honda Tohru, I'm sorry, I don't think I know…?" She didn't look very special. Brown eyes and hair, pretty but not beautiful.
"Sohma Ren," the woman introduced herself absently. "And I know who you are. That's why I'm here." She moved into the room, pulling up the shade over the window. "I didn't think you should be all alone your first night here," she added, as if continuing her earlier statement. "No one else will greet you with His forbidding it, of course."
"You're Akito-san's mother?" She sounded awed.
"Oh, dear. My reputation precedes me." Ren laughed, and approved of the sound. It was very normal. "What have you heard?"
"Just that you and Akito-san are on bad terms, like Ayame-san and Yuki-kun used to be."
"Really? Like those two." She chuckled to herself. "Are you going to try to help us make up?"
"Do you want to make up?"
Ren sat down on the bed. "Shall I tell you what I want, Tohru-kun?" she asked conversationally. "I understand that you're something of a fairy godmother at granting these sorts of desires."
"Oh, no, I - I mean, I would love to hear what Ren-san wants - but I don't think -"
"I'll tell you, anyway." She smiled, reaching out and taking Tohru's hands gently. The girl didn't have a mother, and was busy playing one to everyone else - well, two could play that role. "I want you to learn something. I want Shigure and Isuzu to learn it too. And I want my child to learn it." I want him to learn it too late.
"What, Ren-san?" She was entranced. This was easy.
"Life is not a game," Ren cooed, stroking her cheek. "You don't win, and you don't lose, and nothing is ever final until everyone involved is dead - and usually not even then. We wish it could be, because it would mean we could rest. Wouldn't it be nice to rest? Pretend that it's over, and nothing from now on is your fault because he won? But it doesn't work that way, Tohru."
Tohru watched her with eyes that were very large and far away, and for a moment Ren thought she'd underestimated her, and then she knew she had. She also knew, when the light started burning low and fierce like coals, that this was going to play to her advantage.
But all Tohru said was, "We'll see. It's Akito-san's move." She smiled, innocence and light. "And he has a long time to make it in." She walked over to the shade, about to pull it down, and stopped, looking up at the full moon and laughing. "You know, it's funny, Ren-san - people make so much of being without the sun at night?" The silver rays caught in her hair and turned it gray. "But just think, with the moon, we have the same light, night or day."
There. Gosh. I feel oddly drained. Um. Please review, if you should find it in your heart! Wow. I'm done. I turn now to canon, anyway. Not for a little while, probably, though, because… damn. I can't believe I finished.
I also can't believe I didn't get at least Ritsu in there. That was shameful. But it was getting to be an awfully full house as it was. He shall have his time. And poor Kureno too.
