Authors note: Don't own anything, not making any profit, just for fun. Characters belong to Janet Evanovich, and an article with the title "Top 10 ways to annoy your coworkers" can be found at About dot com-if anyone's interested. I'm not responsible if you loose your job by following these steps. I just needed a rest from all the angst I've had recently. I don't know if this has been done before, don't kill me if it has, but I thought it was a good idea…. Tell me if it's not… ;D

Enjoy.

Oh and one thing before the story begins, (this authors note could continue forever) I personally don't use harsh language, and I try to avoid using it as much as possible so, by my standard, this story contains excessive use of harsh language. Now, on to the story:

Nobody Expects the Spanish Inquisition

Chapter 1: Top 10 Ways to Annoy Your Co-workers

Ever wanted to be that annoying little bug in the office? Ever wanted your co-workers to hate you? Following these 10 easy steps will ensure that your co-workers will look forward to the day you get out of the office. However, avoid these behaviours if you want to keep your job.

This could be interesting I thought and scrolled down the page and continued reading. I had been working for Rangeman for several months now and though the job actually was very interesting, especially fieldwork, I had become bored. Mostly because I didn't get to do much fieldwork these days. In fact, Ranger had cut me off from fieldwork for almost two months now and I was starting to get the tics. I was annoyed beyond reasoning. Probably Morelli and Ranger had had a guy's night out and decided to cut me off from the fun. Lula was working as a bounty hunter, bringing in the low bond skips, whereas Ranger as usual took the high bonds. I on the other hand was suffocating in the Rangeman building on Haywood. The first weeks I tried to smuggle in doughnuts and candy bars, with a stress on the tried. Ranger had me searched before letting me in, and confiscated all the sweets. Not that I didn't have doughnuts and sweets when I was at home, but a doughnut at 9 o'clock wouldn't get me through the day, and by 3 pm I would be cranky and irritated at everything. I had tried to persuade Ranger to let me out on the field, but he wouldn't budge. Maybe if the men could persuade him? Now this was an idea. That's how I landed on that site, telling you how to annoy your co-workers. I called Lula to hear what she thought of the plan.

"Girl, you have a deathwish or something? Should I bring you some doughnuts?" Lula said after I had explained my brilliant idea for her.

"Noo!" I sighed. "I just thought I could get the guys to persuade Ranger to move me to fieldwork again. I'm getting bored to death here! And I could use your help."

"Mmm…" Lula thought for some seconds. "Okay, what's a friend for if not to help? Hell yeah, I'll help you! Then we can move to Bahamas together, or somewhere else where they won't find us."

I told her about the website and she said she would call me back when she had read the plan. After we hung up I mentally cracked my knuckles. I really hoped this would work. I clicked a program open and continued with the searches. Suddenly Lester poked his head into my cubicle.

"Hey Bombshell, you have the search for Pullman ready?"

"Ready and delivered." I answered dully as I handed him the file. The first weeks working for Rangeman had been interesting, glorious and inspiring. But when I was cut off from fieldwork, everything had become boring. I didn't even roll my eyes anymore at Lester's dirty jokes, or Brown's stupid 'Knock, knock' jokes. I was getting bored to death.

Lester shook his head as he took the file from me.

"Gosh, Bombshell, I've never seen you so down… Should I talk to Morelli?"

At this I felt my cheeks go red but before I could splutter some nasty reply he was gone with a chuckle. Oh, I was going to kill him. Before I could figure out a way to slowly and painfully kill Lester, without me getting the blame, my cellphone chirped. Without looking at the display I answered.

"What do you think?"

"About what?" Tank's voice rumbled in my ear. If there was anyone I hadn't expected to be in the other end, it was Tank.

"About life, universe and everything?" I said trying not to sound surprised.

"Forty-two!" Tank said confidently then continued. "Ranger asked me to tell you to primarily work on the Sutton-case, he wants it ready before two o'clock."

"Sutton-request ready at two, got it!" I said and was replied by the hung up tone. I made a face at the cell and groped through the files for the Sutton-file. Then I put the Rodriguez-request on hold and started Rangers Sutton-request. Five minutes later Lula called, and this time I made sure to check the display before answering.

"What do you think?"

"This is the Shit!" Lula yelled in my ear. "He's gonna smoke your ass. White girl, you're gonna wake up in a third world country the next day!"

"But are you with me?" I asked. I didn't want to be alone when the doom fell, and having Lula with me might be seen as extenuating circumstances. At least Tank might persuade Ranger to ship us off to a third world country nearby, if there ever is such a thing as a nearby third world country.

"Of course I'm with you! Can't let you have all the fun by yourself!" Lula yelled. "What do you want to start with?"

"I'll start with number one, have you read it?"

"Hell yeah! You want me to call you while you're on the toilet?"

O o O o O o O o O

1. Your co-workers don't think your cell phone conversations are as entertaining as you think they are. Therefore talk Loudly. To make your co-workers even more uncomfortable let them hear you talk on your phone in the bathroom. Make a deal with a friend, or simply call a friend while on the toilet, and talk about your most personal matters i.e. your period, why you cant get it to stand etc. If a co-worker calls you, make sure he or she hears the toilet flush.

I saw through the open door when Bobby got up from his chair and walked towards the kitchen. I tiptoed after him and saw him pass the kitchen. I dialled Lula.

"Yeah?" She whispered.

"Be ready to call in 15 seconds." I hung up and followed Bobby into the toilet. It was a unisex toilet, had been ever since I started working here, with three separate boxes to the right and three wash-basins to the left. The doors of the boxes were of dark wood that matched the bench with the white porcelain basins. It was a nice bathroom, but quite sterile. Only paper towels, and only one small mirror. I guessed these guys didn't need a full length mirror to tell them they looked good. Bobby turned the lock in his door and I quickly scurried into the box next to his. Right on time I turned the lock as my telephone started ringing. I sat down on the toilet lid and answered.

"Hello." I said a little louder than normal.

"Hi Steph, it's Lula!" Lula declared loud enough for the control room to hear. I resisted the urge to roll my eyes and put on speakers.

"Hi Lula, How are you doing? Caught any skips today?"

"Hell, no! I can't do any bounty hunter stuff now! I haven't been getting any!"

"You haven't been getting any what?"

"You know… any…!"

"No, I don't know…" I heard Lula exasperated sigh on the other end.

"Yes, you know! You know... He hasn't been able to get it up for weeks!" Lula bellowed.

"What!?" I squeaked with a high pitch voice. I heard Bobby sharply inhale in the box next to mine.

"I know! I've also been like 'what?' all the week. But I mean, that's what it's made for, isn't it? And he can't get it up!"

I was absolutely speechless. Was Lula talking about what I think she's talking about? I shook my head to get a grip. I couldn't let Lula do the dirty work.

"What are you saying?" I could hear Lula take a deep inhale, but before she could say anything I continued. "He can't get it up?"

"No! And I'm dying over here! I can't do nothing! You gotta come and help me, Steph!"

I heard Bobby take a deep breath again. "And you need to bring the handcuffs."

Bobby coughed.

"Are you okay there, Bobby?" I asked but all I got was a muffled mumble.

"Who's there?" Lula asked.

"Oh, just Bobby." I said trying to sound casual. "I'd bring the handcuffs, but Ranger won't let me out in the field."

"Hey, who said we're gonna work on the fucking field?" Lula said. "I need you…" there was a crackling noise. "…bring handcuffs!"

"Lula?"

"…just like last time and all… We'll… get the fucking… with handcuffs." More static made it hard to interpret what she was saying. I heard Bobby unlock the door and leave. Obviously he had enough.

"Lula, I'm loosing you, I can't hear what you're saying!" I shouted over the static.

"Just bring handcuffs…" Lula yelled back. "… whatever you do, bring handcuffs!"

I heard the door open and close, then steps coming closer.

"Steph?" It was Lester.

"Hi Lester!" I said.

"Lester? I thought you said Bobby?" Lula stopped screaming, and so did the static. I could hear someone snigger in the background.

"Bobby went, Lester came. Where are you?"

"At the office, Connie's the one responsible for the static noises." I could hear Connie say something. "She asks if it sounded real."

"Yeah it sounded real."

"What sounded real?" Lester asked from the other side of the door.

"Oh, wouldn't you want to know!" Lula yelled over the phone. "this is something between me, Steph and Connie. But I promise you it's dirty!"

"Lula!" I could hear Connie yell in the background.

"Lula, that won't work on Lester you know that?"

"Why not?" Lula asked

"Because he's Lester." I answered matter-of-factly

"And because I saw that page on your computer. I know what you're up to and I thought you wanted help from an expert." Lester yelled from the other side of the door.

"Like YOU would know anything about this stuff?!" Lula yelled back over the phone.

"What were you talking about? I have never seen Brown so red in his face."

I sighed and opened the door to let Lester in. I was tired of all the yelling. Lester squeezed himself into the box and closed the door. Suddenly the box was a little too little. We stood crammed together trying not to move too much, with the cell between us.

"Wouldn't you wanna know!" I said and smiled at him. He responded with a wolf grin showing off all his white teeth. Gosh, he looked good!

"I bet you don't even know what you were talking about." He had a point. I turned to the phone.

"Lula, what exactly were you talking about when you said he can't get it up?"

"Vinnie." Lula laughed. "He can't get the locker up to the handcuff box. We've been starving handcuffs for weeks. And I lost my last pair yesterday."

Lester laughed softly at my side. "What did you think she meant?"

I hit him hard on his arm and he made a face at me. "I'll come over at lunch with a pair of handcuffs." I said to Lula and we hung up. Then I turned to Lester. "Now, get out!"

He smiled and I felt a small jostle in the pit of my stomach. Shit I was in trouble.

"What's that, inviting a guy and then throwing him out?" He asked sounding hurt but I knew by the sparkle in his eyes he was playing. It was like a cat playing with the mouse before moving in for the kill. And I was the mouse.

Now, I didn't have any hard feelings against Lester, but I had only worked with him once before, when "we" did a renovating job that included Tank throwing out a guy through the window from the third floor. And he was slightly scary, I didn't know where he stood. Tank I knew, he was Ranger's best friend and wouldn't try to hit on me, but Lester was another story. Lester suddenly leaned closer and I backed away as far as possible, which wasn't very far. Why couldn't they make these boxes bigger?

"Ranger's right." He chuckled. What? I stared at Lester, what did he mean by that? "I definitely smell something burning!" I hit him hard on his arm and then opened the door.

"OUT!"

"Okay, but I definitely have a better idea than those 'ten ways to annoy your co-workers." He gave me a full-on smile. "I have a whole list!" He exclaimed proudly.

Suddenly the door to the restroom opened and Tank walked in but stopped in mid-stride, staring at us. I was holding the door open and Lester was in the doorway of the box. It looked like I had just invited him in. I felt my face go red.

"Santos!" Tank stared blankly at Lester.

"I didn't do anything!" Lester said waving his arms. I ducked and fled outside before anyone else turned up at the toilet. More exactly; before Ranger turned up at the toilet. I didn't want to explain to Him why Lester and I had been in the same toilet-box. I managed to sneak into my office and close the door. I let out a sigh and sank down in the chair. What was I thinking? And now Lester knew. Shit I was in trouble! I stared at my screen where the page with the 'ten ways to annoy your co-workers'-list was up. Or… I thought contently, I had an ally. I smiled, this was going to be fun.

Huh, my muse decided to take a nap. I'll upload another chapter when she wakes up… I hope.

And yeah, my muse reminded me that I have put up some drawings I made of Steph and co. on my homepage :) and my muse wants you to check them out... Yeah yeah, okay, I want you to check them out. ;D .sigh.