Well, this is another story about Star Wars, you got that right! Do you know the Star Wars nerd named Tessek? Prolly not, cause you prolly know him as Squidface! He is the Cthulhu-looking bad boy who hungs around Jabba's Palace he is best friends with Ree Yees, ok, now you know who I'm talking about!
So, Tessek was having a dinner party, it was going to be a party for his best friends, and they were: Ree Yees, Yak Face, Max Rebo, Droopy McCool, EV-9D9, Bib Fortuna, Luke Skywalker, Hand Solo, Lando Caribbean, and of course Jabba! He was making turkey, because who doesn't care for turkey? Especially because turkey makes one think of Thanksgiving, which is one of the chief holy days on Tattooween, which is where this story takes place, so turkey is considered a very holy victual! The only day more important than Thanksgiving on Tattooween is HALLOWEEN! So that is why Fun-Size 3 Musketeers is regarded as the Body of Christ on that world, also the rock and roll planet, incidentally! And Tessek had some tunes going, you better believe it, when the guests arrive!
Yak Face - Oh, Tessek, this is a fine spread you've laid out for us! Just look at it, Ree Yees!
Ree Yees - Oh, I know it! They got all the best appeteasers, like RITZ crackers, PEPPER JACK cheese cubes, PEPPIONI cubes, SMALL pickles, and TOOHPICKS to retrieve said morsels and place them on your DISH!
Droopy - Man, fuck that noise! I'm tryin' to get a taste of that TURKEY!
Max - I know, we want the turkey! You fellas eat the horse duvors! I'm thinkin' about the main course!
Tessek - Oh, friends, the turkey is not ready yet! And, even should it were, where are our good friends Bib Fortuna and Jabba? I do not want to eat without them!
Lando - Ah, fuck Jabba! That fucker's fat enough!
Luke - That's true! He's so fat, he needs that faggot Bib Fortuna to help him move around! He has to drive around on a repulsorlift sled, he's so fat!
Hand - Ha ha! I bet he's got a family of jawas in there!
Lando - Wherein, now?
Luke - I think he means up in his fat self!
Lando - Haw! Like he ate a family of jawas cause the pizza was late in coming!
Yak Face - Alright, you three! Quit cutting up! You think about what you are saying! Jabba is our friend, and what's more, he cannot help the fact that he is plus-sized! Such is the nature of Hutts!
Luke - Ok, ok! You're right. Hell, you know we all love Jabba!
But, oh no! Jabba heard all of this! He heard his best friends making fun of him because of his weight! But it's mostly water weight, and anyway he is a Hutt! They need to be that fat, I think! Anywho, he's super pissed! He orders Bib to turn the sled around, and they return to Jabba's Palace, where they call in Weequay and Klaatu, Jabba's two goons!
Bib Fortuna - Mighty Jabba would have you got to Tessek's house, and riddle it with blaster fire! Leave not a man alive!
Jabba - And kill everybody, too!
Weequay - Bad ass!
Klaatu - I'll pop all their heads open afterwards, and extract their brain material and smoosh it around, just to fuck with them!
Weequay - I want to goop out their goopy guts!
Bib Fortuna - Whatever! Bring us back some of the turkey, though!
Jabba - Yeah, don't eat all the turkey!
So Weequay and Klaatu drove Jabba's sled over to Tessek's house, but when they got there, they smelled the turkey and it smelled so good! And then they saw everyone sitting inside, not eating! They listened at the door.
Tessek - Fuck! He must have heard you faggots talking about him so he left! I bet he's heartbroken and bleeding! And that turkey's gonna get cold!
Hand - Well, I feel terrible. Say! Why don't we go over to Jabba's, and bring the dinner to HIM?
Ree Yees - Now that's an idea! But, none of our cars are big enough to carry all this food plus us!
Yak Face - I suppose we couldn't possibly all drive separately...
EV-9D9 - Oh, sure! That's a great idea! Why don't we just dig a hole, dump all our money in it, and light it on fire!
Max - She's right, gas is pretty expensive...
Weequay - Hey guys!
Lando - Sup, durd! Wassup, Klaatu!
Klaatu - We got Jabba's big fucking' sled outside! Why don't we load the food on that?
Luke - Great! That will be perfect! Then we can cater a special party, just for Jabba! Poor Jabba!
Tessek - Poor Poor Jabba!
So, the good friends all load the food and themselves onto the sled, and head over to Jabba's Palace! Except Weequay kind of takes a weird way to get there! He's heading out over the Dune Sea! Why does he need to go out there?
Droopy - Man, this is a strange and roundabout way you're taking!
Klaatu - Shut up, cocksucker!
Lando - Hey, that ain't cool! Waitaminnit! I know where we're going! We're going to the Sarlaac Pit!
Luke realizes what Weequay and Klaatu really intend to do, so he fired up his life saver and slices off Klaatu's head. Weequay flips out and loses control of the sled and it jack-knifes and plows into a herd of bantha! The sled breaks apart, and the passengers and the food go flying! Weequay lands headfirst in the sand. Ree Yees pulls him out, and Tessek puts his blaster in his mouth!
Tessek - Pray to Great Yoda, motherfucker!
Tessek blows Weequay's brains all over. The gang cuts up the bodies of Klaatu and Weequay and serves them to the banthas! Then they all go to Jabba's Palace and try to get inside. A brutal battle with the Gamorrean guards follows. The air is alight with blaster fire! Luke is quick with his life saver, and cuts down many Gamorreans, but the real hero is Tessek himself, shredding those fat goblin bitches with his famous BUZZ SAW WEAPON! When the smoke clears, the guards are all dead, but there are casualties besides. Droopy McCool took an axe to his head, which split open his weird skull and kind of mashed up his brains, so he perished. Luke died, too, because he flipped out too much and sliced himself apart with his own life saver.
Tessek leads his Motley Crue into Jabba's Palace. Bib Fortuna tries to run and hide, but Tessek grabs him and Ree Yees works him over with his classic CAVEMAN'S CLUB. Lando, Hand, and Yak Face set to building a crude gallows, right there in the throne room! They tighten the noose around poor Bib's neck, and then hang him like a dog!
Then EV-9D9 retrieves a bunch of CROQUET MALLETS, and they all take turns hitting Jabba until he pops open.
Jawa Family - Free at last!
THE END.