of question marks and of regrets
i.
He says he's going to try his best to forget her.
A few hours later, he's in Canada, and she's behind him, getting on with her life.
They're both moving on.
They were too young, too naive, too stupid to think things could work out.
(they should have known then that that wouldn't be the end of it)
...
ii.
He returns, like deep down she always knew he would.
They're grown-ups now, time has passed and changed them. They're not the same people they used to be.
And there's still something there, just like all those years ago, when they were kids.
Yet she pretends he's nothing, because he hurt her once, and she won't let him do it again, and she's with Peter anyway. She's happy without him.
(or so she tells herself)
She stands in the rush of the building work, and her mind is rushing at five hundred miles an hour. She should have stayed well away from him. She should have known that she was dancing with the devil.
And yet she just puts on a smile and gets on with things, because she might be being stupid, but just seeing him makes her happy,
(not that she thinks too hard about that, of course)
...
iii.
"I'd never throw you away again."
His words are ringing in her head.
The tears are clear to see on her cheeks. Her hand stings from where she slapped him.
Peter and Simon are asleep in their rooms. She's alone at the kitchen table, shaking, trying to get things straight in her head.
She's marrying Peter.
She's marrying Peter.
She's marrying Peter.
But - but Nick - he ex-husband Nick, the first man she ever loved, Nick.
Oh god.
What has she done?
And the worst part - she might have screamed at him, and she might feel disgusted at her for what happened, and she might have said she hated him - that Peter was ten times the man he could ever be but-
but she can't forget the feeling on his hands on her, the feeling of his kiss on her skin.
...
iii.
He asks her to look at him, to look him in the eye and tell him she doesn't want him, and when she turns around, and her eyes fall on him, she knows she can't.
And then he's leaning towards her, and she's kissing him again and all thoughts of 'doing the right thing' and 'putting things behind them' are forgotten as he wraps his arms around her, and it just feels so right that all her promises to herself are gone, and all she has is the moment.
Later, when he's smiling at her as he's doing up the buttons on his top, she can't help but reach out and put her hand on his face.
"Look at us, Nick," she says, softly into the night air. "We grew up."
He smiles at her again, and she dips down and kisses him.
"When did that happen?"
And there may be a twinge of guilt inside, in her heart, because Peter is a good man and he doesn't deserve this, but then Nick takes her hand, and all is forgotten, once again.
...
iv.
She tells him it's over -
and he asks her what she truly wants, deep down, and she doesn't have an answer.
"I only know what I said I'll do," she says. And that's not sneaking around with her ex-husband, behind her fiancé's back.
She's marrying Peter.
She's marrying Peter.
She's marrying Peter.
That's what she said she'll do, so she's going to do it.
(and yet, Nick's still there, in the back of her mind)
...
v.
And of course, just like she knows it will, that's not the end of it, even though she promises herself.
(wedding jitters - one last trip down memory lane - love?
well, Leanne, what's the reason?
- she doesn't know)
but then, she's in the office and Nick's telling her they could be happy, and her defences are crumbling once again.
She lets him hold her again, because she's still not sure, deep inside, what she really wants and right now, right here, damn it all, she wants him.
...
vi.
This time, when she tells him it's over, she means it.
Things have been made crystal clear to her, and she has starred in the face the risk of losing Peter, losing Simon, and she has chosen them.
Over Nick.
Over Nick, who makes her wonder about her sanity, who makes smile, and laugh.
Over Nick, whose heart she's sees break when she tells him and he knows she won't got back on her word.
Over Nick.
...
vii.
Time passes - she marries Peter, and she pretends to herself, to Nick, to the rest of the world, that it is exactly what she wants most in the world.
There are no more slips, no more falling back into Nick's arms, whilst Peter waits patiently at home.
And she tries to channel feelings she doesn't understand into hate, screaming and yelling at Nick for interfering in her life.
She tries to be a good wife, guilt eating away at her, wondering if she can ever put it behind her.
(and Nick's still there, haunting her and she wants to scream at him to go away, go away, go away!)
...
viii.
Then comes the blessing,
and everything falls apart.
(falling, falling, falling)
Peter's calling her a whore, and telling the whole congregation about her and Nick, and facing her with sad, old eyes and saying he would have been faithful.
He would have been faithful, and she wasn't.
And she has nothing to say to that.
...
ix.
She tells him she hates him, patches things up with Peter.
Tries to make things work.
(because she picked Peter, not him)
...
x.
Time.
Time.
He moves on.
She pretends things are working.
Time.
Time.
She concentrates on her marriage.
She pretends he doesn't exist.
Time.
Time.
Her world falls apart.
It hurts that bit more, because she chose Peter, not him, and yet the man she chose turned out to be a bastard, a man who has hurt her even more than Nick did, all those years ago.
And Nick's moved on now, anyway.
...
xi.
A moment, and he's saying words he's said to her a thousand times, but the timing couldn't be worse, and she wonders what is going to happen now.
And the more she thinks about it, the more she remembers how he made her smile, made her laugh, remembers how she broke his heart by choosing another man over him.
(maybe...maybe, there's a chance?)
...
xii.
They take the leap.
Start again.
Start afresh.
And she feels like she's living again.
She wakes up, one morning not long later, and the sun is creeping through the curtains and she sees his face, screwed up in sleep, lying next to her.
And she can remember being that seventeen year old girl who ran away to Gretna Green, hand in hand with a man she thought she'd love forever.
Things didn't work out then, and now, everyone thinks she's settling for second best, because Peter doesn't want her anymore.
And even she thought maybe, that was true.
But now, as she runs her hand down his face, watching him sleep, she can feel something stirring within, a feeling she hasn't had since their disastrous affair, when he last held her.
And she can't help but laugh, quiet in the morning light, because she knows why, all those years ago now, she chose Peter. Because then Peter was second best, and she wanted Nick.
She just hopes, this time things work out for them. She really does.
Because she thinks she loves him, and she doesn't know if she can lose him again.
(and oh, she's such a fool, in the end)
...
xiii.
She stands before him, cold air swirling around them.
'I love you,' she wants to scream as he tells her it's over.
He tells her they're broken, beyond repair.
"Not you and me," she says. "Why do you think it always comes back to you and me?"
She loves him, and she's messed up again and all she wants is to be his wife, again.
She looks at him, and hopes, oh she hopes.
...
xiv.
Fourteen years, eleven months and twelve days-
fourteen years, eleven months and twelve days-
since they last walked down the aisle.
And she tells him this time is for keeps.
( fool )
And that things will be okay.
( fool )
And she really means it, because she loves him.
( fool )
...
xv.
She replays it all in slow motion.
The phone call, the diagnosis, everything.
All that time spent in the hospital.
All her hopes and dreams, slowly drifting further and further away.
(she doesn't know that the hospital is only half the battle...)
...
xvi.
Kylie.
David's Kylie.
He slept with Kylie.
After everything, after everything they have gone through to get here.
And yet she can't help but feel at least some responsibility. She hurt him, he lashed out.
And she reaches deep inside, and forgives him.
Because he's Nick, because she loves him more than the world.
And anyway, doesn't it always comes back to them - no matter what?
...
xvii.
When she walks away from him this time, it's not like before.
It's not when she knew it was for the best, when things had gone so far, she knew she would be alright without him, knew that things had come their natural end.
This time, it hurts.
Oh, god, it hurts.
Because she thinks, now, there is no third chance. This was it, and now it's over, she wonders where those feelings are going to go, because they're not going to go away.
(and she's right, isn't she?)
...
xviii.
She moves on.
And she tries. She tries so damn hard, that she fools herself into thinking that maybe, she was over him. That maybe this relationship - that Kal - was her future now.
And then Kal dies, and her whole life falls apart again.
(but the worst part, really, is when she wakes up one morning, and the sun creeps through the curtains, and for one awful moment, it's not Kal she misses, it's Nick, it's Nick.)
...
xix.
He's down on one knee again.
(not for her)
He's in love again.
(not with her)
He's happy.
(and she's not the one making him smile, or making him laugh-
and he's breaking her heart just like she broke his)
...
xx.
And it has to be her - doesn't it?
The woman who used to be her closest friend, the woman she hated for so long because Peter fell in love with her.
And now Nick.
And now Nick.
She's losing him, all over again, and when he's not even hers anymore - and it hurts her so much it takes her breath away.
She tells Carla that Nick's too good for her.
But then she sees him, sees that look in his eyes. And she knows, because she knows him, what it means.
And it kicks her in the teeth all over again.
And so she makes her peace with Carla, lets bygones be bygones, lets sleeping dogs lie.
Because he's happy, and even though she's not the one by his side, that's all that matters, right?
...
xxi.
It creeps up on her.
Little moments here and there, and jealousy, so unfamiliar and foreign, flares up within and so do other feelings she can't control.
She wants to scream at him to see sense, to look at her like she looked at him all those years ago and finally see.
But that boat has sailed, so long ago.
So she doesn't say a word, resigns herself to the truth.
He doesn't want her anymore.
He wants Carla.
He wants Carla.
He wants Carla.
(if she tells herself enough, maybe she'll stop feeling like a fool and maybe she can move on with her life -
maybe...?)
...
xxii.
Take my hand, she wants to say.
Love me, she wants to say.
Remember, remember how much you loved me once, she wants to scream.
But she doesn't say any of them.
"Congratulations," she says instead.
"Good luck," she says, wanting to hold him.
"Goodbye," she says, wishing she wasn't.
...
xxiii.
So many years. So many years. Sixteen years old she was, when she fell for him the first time. All this time later, and those feelings are still there, damn it all.
(damn it all)
And as she watches him marry another woman, something breaks within.
Something breaks.
...
a/n The title is from Hourglass by Sleeping at Last.