Chapter 1
It was pouring rain outside, as Hotch handed JJ a few files

"would you mind dropping these off at Reid's on your way home? he forgot to take them with him"

JJ tilted her head "whats wrong with Reid anyway he's been acting so strange lately"
Hotch glared at her for a second "i don't really know, maybe you should try talking to him? anyway enjoy your week off"
JJ nodded as she took the files from Hotch and half smiled

"Sure, thank you"

she knocked repeatedly on the door before she started feeling a bit uneasy,

why wasn't he answering?
she pulled her phone out of her purse and quickly dialed his number, trying to calm herself and insisting that nothing is wrong, that she shouldn't panic,
but something inside of her kept telling her something terrible is happening

she heard the phone ringing from the inside of his apartment.
Now she was really worried,

she held the doorknob and was surprised to see it turn,
she flung the door open and stormed into the hallway calling for Reid,

she spotted his phone ringing on a table, and his messenger bag thrown on the floor,
her heart wrenched and she called worriedly "REID!"

she didn't get an answer so she hurried towards the end of the hallway,

she froze, stunned to see Reid sitting on the living room floor with a razor in his his hand, his wrist a bit bloody, his face drenched with tears, sweat and lifelessness, with a big bottle of vodka next to him
for a second JJ felt the life get sucked out of her, her body felt so numb, her knees felt so weak like the weight of the world is upon her shoulders,

she dropped the files and her purse on the floor and let out a gasp

"oh my god"
he was just sitting there, his shirt unbuttoned, his hair so messy, his red eyes surrounded with darkness, his cheeks filled with tears, and his entire body shaking and what terrified JJ the most, he was clutching a knife in his hand, cutting his wrists and breathing out as the blood fled out,

JJ finally came to her senses so she hurried towards him, her heart racing "oh God, Spenc what have you done"
she pulled the knife away from him and held his face between her hands and she yelled in fear
"LOOK AT ME SPENC" his eyes met hers, his dull, lifeless, lost eyes "whats wrong?" she asked with utter concern,

he stared at her, for what felt like decades before she pulled up his sleeve and was shocked to see scars all over his arm "h-how long have you been doing this Spenc?" she barely managed to ask, "its, n-nothing, please j-just go, go home jennifer its nothing" Reid muttered, the last thing he wanted was for HER to see him in this pathetic position.

"don't you tell me its nothing Spencer something is obviously wrong so tell me what it is right now okay because i'm w…"

Reid cut her oscreaming "YOU WANT TO KNOW WHATS WROING WITH ME JENNIFER? EVERYTHING! EVERYTHING IS WROING NOTHING EVER GOES RIGHT FOR ME" he let out a sob,

and then said, shaking"am struggling JJ" his voice was so sad, so broken, JJ couldn't help but tear,

"oh sweetie…."

Reid went on before she managed to say anything else

"ever since i was a kid, my childhood was stolen from me, my own father walked out on me because am not worth it, i had to spend my childhood taking care of my ill mother instead of playing like everyone else my age, i basically raised myself, i was picked on by everyone. everyone had high expectations for me and i've always lived under the pressure of meeting them, JJ i was kidnapped and brutally tortured, you think that when you found me it was a happy ending ? that the nightmare was over?"

Reid smirked with a sad look in his eyes then continued

"well, trust me JJ, it wasn't the end, it was the beginning to a whole other nightmare, not only did i have to live with the scars for the rest of my life, not only was i expected to come back to the BAU and look at those dead bodies like it means nothing to me, like i don't know EXACTLY how they felt, Tobias had me hooked on damn drugs JJ"

he took a breath and shut his eyes for a second before he continued

"and even Gideon, who was the closest thing to a father figure i've ever had, walked out on me for the same apparent reason my father did, the fact that i wasn't good enough"

his eyes tear up again and he tries to ignore the lump in his throat

"how many people have i seen lose their lives in front of me JJ? how many times was i responsible for it? even if you and the team try to convince me other wise" he let out a cry

"am having terrible headaches, i just want to shoot myself, my nightmares keep me awake all night long and then the next day am supposed to be saving lives. I know am not supposed to complain, but i thought for once maybe i had the right to complain, just for once you know? so i talked to Emily about my headaches and then BOOM, she walks out on me too. one second she's dead and am coping with her loss, and the next she's alive, and you and Hotch have lied to me. you, the person i trusted the most, you did that to protect me i know that i just don't know whats wrong with me to make me feel this way, to act like a damn child who only cares about himself, am selfish for thinking like that about you and Emily i know that i swear, but its just too much, all of it is too much, my headaches,my nightmares,losing, Everything seems so dark, i have nothing to live for, nothing is worth it, am just so fucking tired Jennifer"

after that, he just collapsed on her lab, sobbing and shaking,

for a few seconds Jennifer couldn't muster any words, her eyes were wide open and her heart was pounding, was Reid really going though all of this? and they haven't noticed?

she hugged him closely, and patted his back " its going to be okay Spenc, i promise you"

she whispered she let him cry on her lap for a few minutes, patting his back and his head mumbling comforting words, she wanted him to cry it all out, to let it all out before she said anything, he at least had the right to cry

when she noticed that his breathing slowed down a bit, she pulled his head up, cupped his face, wiped the tears off his cheeks and looked him straight in the eyes,

"now you listen to me Spencer" she said in a soothing voice "i know it all seems so dark right now, like no one understands you, no one knows how you feel, but trust me when i say it, and as cliché as it sounds, It does get better" she flashed him a sincere smile, her cheeks teary " it does Spenc, and am going to be by your side every step of the way, every step of this dark road, am going to reach the end of it with you, we're going to find the light together, am not going to lie and say that i understand, because i probably don't, but i do care spencer, i do care and i won't ever leave you alone" she patted his shoulder reassuringly

Reid gazed at her, with his miserable eyes, like a puppy, he said nothing. instead he kept crying silently.

"can i ask you question?" JJ asked hesitantly.
Reid nodded without actually paying attention,

"how, um.. how long have you, um..been doing uh, this to yourself spencer?"
Reid decided he wanted to act dumb because he'd rather not answer that question

"doing what?"

"you know what am talking about spencer."

"no i don't, i told you theres n-"

JJ cut him off by pulling up his other sleeve and gasping as she saw that it was almost 50% covered in cuts and scars
"Spence" she mumbled in shock.
at that moment Reid couldn't look at her anymore so he quickly pulled down his sleeve and started fiddling with his buttons, avoiding the blonde's gaze
"answer me." she said firmly
"..about uh, a year" he answered hesitantly
"oh gosh Spencer sweetie, this shouldn't be happening to you"
he smirked "well, it is happening" he cut her off sarcastically, the sadness audible in his voice
"listen spencer, you won't do that to yourself ever again ok? you won't hurt yourself and you certainly won't end your life"
JJ felt weird saying those words, they shouldn't be said especially not to Reid, he deserved better, he's too pure for this
"whatever" reid said carelessly.
"wait a second" JJ got up to leave the living room but before she did she turned around and walked back, grabbed the knife with her "just in case.." she said under her breath, and then walked out.

a few moments later JJ came back and saw Reid in the same position, she sighed
she walked towards him with a first aid kit in her hands and she started cleaning his fresh cuts, then she put a band aid on it and,
to Reid's surprise, she kissed the band aid gently.

Reid felt prickles up his spine and his face flushed

"just so you know, it hurts me when you're hurt.." JJ said quietly without looking him straight in the eye,
Reid shifted awkwardly.

she helped him up to his feet and then they both sat on the couch,
JJ held his hand the entire time they were sitting, sometimes Reid felt like she was holding too tight, but she couldn't help it, she wanted to save him, to snatch him from his miserable reality to a better life.

so they just sat there, both of them quite for what felt like forever
"this would've been the last time i did this you know.." reid blurted out of nowhere
"what do you mean" startled, jj asked in confusion
"this would've been the last time i hurt myself, if you didn't walk in.." Reid said starring at the nothingness before him
it took JJ a few seconds for it to sink in "ohhh god spencer"
her face suddenly lost its color "you were going to kill yourself oh god…"
" i don't even know whether am happy or not that you walked in on me…" he laughed which seemed inappropriate to JJ but she pushed away her confusion and said in her most soothing, caring, loving voice "well am 110% sure am happy i walked in" she gave a sincere smile,
reid shot it back with a half smile and whispered a thank you under his breath

then the silence fell again, for a while
this time it was JJ who broke the silence

"promise me you won't ever do that again, ever" she asked without looking at him,
silence fell again for seconds
jj repeated firmly "promise!"
"am sorry for causing all of this this JJ..am sorry i got you in this mess.."
jj didn't say anything so Reid knew this wasn't the answer she's looking for so he tried again
"okay, i..i promise"
jj sighed "thank you!"

she tightened her grip on his hand
jj was taken by surprise when reid laid down and put his head on her thigh, curled up and just fell asleep immediately, his cheeks still wet in tears
she took of her long scarf that she wore because it was chilly outside, and put it over his body to warm him up
after a while, maybe it was an hour? two? maybe 3? they didn't know
JJ has never been so thankful as much as she was now, thankful she made it here in time before that knife made some real damage. Before she lost Reid for good.
and after a long time of guilty thinking, JJ dozed off to sleep with Reid's head on her thigh, near midnight.

Authors Note: this is my very first fanfic so Reviews would be greatly appreciated;) (don't hesitant, really!)

thanks for reading !xx