Chamomile with hint of trust

When he closed his eyes he still could see their dead faces. Petra against the tree, her back bent in an unnatural arch, blood dripping from her open mouth. No matter how hard he wanted to forget, he just couldn't. And maybe somewhere deep inside he thought he shouldn't. After all it was his fault. If only did he make different decision all of them could have lived. He could just turn into a titan and fight and save all of them. And maybe many more who died only to protect him, just like his mother did three years ago. He felt sick in his stomach only thinking about all of the people who sacrificed their lives to protect his. Vivid, bloody images of fellow soldiers being crushed and eaten haunted him both in his dreams and while he was awake. He almost wished he never learnt about his so called special talent. The ability which made him "humanity's last hope" made him only want to puke and crawl under the nearest rock and die. It was quite ironic, wasn't it? He wanted to kill all the titans, massacre them and wipe them from existence. And with ability to turn into a titan he really made it possible to happen. So why wasn't he happy? Everyone around was telling him he was so precious and needed to be protected, that he was more valuable than thousands of soldiers and it was fine while they died for his sake.

None of this made it fine for Eren.

He wasn't more precious, he wasn't any better, he was weak and while he wanted to fight and avenge his mother, he wasn't ready to hold the responsibility for the whole humanity's future, for all the deaths of his comrades, for the pain of the families. For Sina's sake, how could anyone? He might not have been a kid anymore, but he was young. Why it must have been him?

He just felt nausea in his stomach, lying on the cart while the column was entering the town. They were supposed to come back after their first victory, should have been met with cheers, he should have proved that he was valuable, that he was not a monster.

He felt a bit like one. Like he have personally killed all of them. Petra, Oluo, Eld and Gunther, all died because of him. Because he made wrong decision, and because someone decided that he was more important. And because someone made him a monster. Turning into a titan felt foreign, wrong, made him hate himself and tear something inside him apart just to make it stop. He hoped that a person who made him this way was already dead. Any other way he might just kill them.

The crowd was dead silent while they were marching through the gate and main street. He felt Mikasa's hand on his while he pretended to still be unconcious. He wasn't ready for her compassion and worry. He didn't deserve it.

The energetic voice of a man calling Levi's name caught his attention. The mention of Petra's name made his heart stop and his stomach clench painfully, another wave of nausea approaching fast. He understood why Levi stayed silent, he wouldn't be able to utter any words also.

The thought of the captain was confusing. Maybe it was still the blood loss, but he felt sad, angry and sick at the same time. He told him to make his own choice. He couldn't blame him for what happened. Could he? Levi was a veteran, he was on the battlefield more times than most of the soldiers could ever imagine. He was their captain, for Sina's sake. He was supposed to tell Eren what to do. To take responsibility for what was going to happen. But he failed. He told Eren he should make his own decision, that no one could predict their consequences. And it caused nothing but death, and now he could only blame himself. He left him all alone with this choice, while he could have helped him, could have just let him did what he wanted to do while they were being chased by the Female Titan. Petra asked him to trust them, and after all that happened between him and Special Operation Squad he had chosen to do so. And he thought he did what Levi wanted him to, but no matter what, it was still Eren's choice.

Would all of them survive if he turned into a titan? Eren couldn't stop himself from thinking, that they would. That he was to blame for their deaths.

But Levi couldn't utter a word to Petra's father. Was he mad? Sad? Indifferent? Eren really doubted the last one. After spending long time with Survey Corps he had seen Captain Levi in new light, not just as a humanity's strongest soldier, but also as a human.

As far as first impression goes, Eren had almost none. Of course he knew who Captain Levi was, how could he not, as he adored the Survey Corps since he was a kid. He thought about them so much he worked out a god-like impression of them in his mind. No one should be able to live up to that expectation, but Captain Levi appearing in the middle of Battle for Trost to save them did exactly that. Eren couldn't remember much of the conversation in the basement, with all the adrenaline rush in his blood and fear for him and his friends along with exhaustion. But the courtroom memories were crystal clear for him.

The blank look on captain Levi's face while he was beating the living shit out of him scared him as nothing else did in his life. In a way it was less scary than seeing his mother eaten by a titan, but titans were not human. Captain Levi was human, but he did not look, did not feel human to him at that very moment. Right then, he felt dehumanized. He truly was a monster, wasn't he? If someone was able to kick him in the face keeping such an emotionless expression... That was probably how captain Levi saw him - just as another titan, maybe a useful one, but nothing else than that.

The announcement of the sentence brought an end to all of it. Later that day commander Erwin offered him an apology and explanation, all of it completely reasonable, and Eren understood. Humanity couldn't afford to lose him, and that was a way of protecting him, or maybe more protecting the monster that was in him, the monster he was. The titan he was made him completely unimportant and the most important person altogether. Eren felt lost.

Captain Levi only asked if he did hate him, and honestly how could he? Everyone would do the same, hell, he probably would do the same to someone else in his position. But he flinched nevertheless as Levi sat down next to him, not enough to move away, but the involuntarily reaction made him twitch. The beating hurt, both physically and mentally. And Eren decided he should not feel hurt. This - this ability he possessed made him useful, valuable, maybe made it possible to fight back, to actually win against titans. He was the most useful weapon humanity ever had, hell, he was their last hope, he could not allow his feelings get in the way of doing his job. A tool should not be distracted by some boot in his face. He lived, everything was fine.

The question came sort of unexpected. Eren wasn't holding a grudge toward captain even for a second, as he understood the reasons, but the fact that he cared if Eren was mad at him was astonishing. Or maybe he just needed him to be able to work with him. He wasn't exactly sure, but he admired him even more after that moment.

Captain Levi was extraordinary soldier, of that Eren was sure not only since he met him, but even before he did. But he never expected him to be... like this. The first night they have arrived at the headquarters the night was soon approaching and captain Levi was escorting him to the dungeon silently. Eren watched his back as he marched in front of him, his spine straight and head high. He never looked short to him, even if he was in fact higher. Captain just carried himself in a way that intimidated the boy. As they reached his cell the man didn't immediately close the door, but let Eren in and then lingered in the threshold. The room was small and furnished only with a narrow bed and a chest of drawers. It didn't took Eren long to turn around to face captain again, whose face was as expressionless as always.

'I assume everything is up to your liking?' Levi asked, though it didn't really sound like a question. The low light of few candles wasn't enough to properly see his face. Eren wondered briefly why he was even still there.

'Of course, sir' he straightened involuntarily. Captain nodded slightly, looking around the room.

'A bit dusty, isn't it?' he sighed. Not waiting for the response, he added 'Good night, Jäger.'

'Thank you, sir. Good night, sir.'

With another nod captain left the cell, closing it with the key. Without next look at him he disappeared behind the corner.

The next day was spent only on cleaning. Captain Levi not only appeared to care about cleanliness more than Eren's mother ever cared to bother, but also he didn't mind doing the work himself. He wasn't only directing, but also working alongside rest of them. The level of attention he paid to the details was not only astounding but also a huge pain in the ass. After redoing the unsatisfactory cleaned floor for the third time Levi finally let him go, but later that day he saw captain cleaning it again himself.

He didn't feel good with realization that Levi let him go without making him clean the rooms again. If he didn't do the job well enough, he should be able to repeat it until he learnt how to do it up to captain's standards.

Next day he worked his ass off hard enough to earn suspicious glances from the rest of squad Levi's members and amused half smile from captain himself. He wasn't asked for a redo once and felt ridiculously proud at doing decent work at cleaning but it was a good feeling, and these didn't come easy that time.

That evening after closing his cell's door captain lingered for a moment, only looking at him silently. Just before Eren worked up enough courage to ask if he wanted something captain spoon on his heel and left.

'Would you care for a cup of tea before I lock you downstairs?'

The question, even though asked in casual tone, had a wrong ring to Eren's ears. He spent over a week inside the headquarters castle and felt like he was starting to understand at very least captains moods. When it came to what he was thinking he was still completely at loss. Everything seemed fine with the question, captain looked as irritated as always, but he looked a bit strained. Almost the same as the first night when he was leading him into the dungeon.

Eren put down the last plate he was washing and responded with simple 'Yes, sir'. Captain Levi didn't looked like he expected more elaborate answer and just headed out the room, clearly expecting Eren to follow him, what he obviously did, as always. The tension in Levi's form did not seem to lessen at all as he led Eren to his private quarters.

'Take a seat, Jäger' Levi commanded in quiet voice. The room wasn't very elaborate, a simple bed, wardrobe, a fireplace and a desk with two chairs on both sides of it. Eren sat on one of them, while Levi put a small kettle on a crate over the fire. The room was dead silent and it was starting to make Eren nervous, his palms getting sweaty. Captain didn't cast a single glance toward him, watching the fire.

Thankfully it didn't take long for water to boil and soon Levi set a hot cup in front of him and took a place across the desk. He sat with his legs crossed, still wearing the straps of his three dimensional maneuver gear, not uttering a word. He took a sip of his tea, and Eren tried to do the same but it was way too hot for him to drink it comfortably. It smelled like chamomile and something else and it was soothing and comforting and it took off an edge somehow.

'Why did you invite me here, captain?' Eren brought himself to ask.

Levi stayed silent at first, looking into his cup like he was debating the question. Then he shrugged with one shoulder 'I just thought you might be lonely down at the dungeons'. A simple explanation.

'Thank you, sir.' Eren answered and for a second he wanted to add I kind of was, but he stopped himself.

'Do you trust me, Jäger?' Levi asked after a long moment of silence. It seemed the conversations weren't what they were best at.

"I do, sir.' There were no uncertainty in his voice as he answered instantly. He really did.

'Why?' Captain still wasn't looking at him, instead choosing to stare through the window into the dark night, his brows slightly furrowed as usual.

'I-I am not entirely sure, sir' Eren stuttered a little on his words, instantly thinking it was not a correct answer. He abruptly started explaining himself: 'I mean you are the strongest soldier, sir, and also you are right hand of commander Erwin, and you lived through more expeditions most of soldiers did.' He paused for a deep breath. 'And you also already saved my life once.'

'I beat the living shit out of you' he pointed out quietly. 'I am not exactly sure this can count as a reason for trust.'

'Yes, sir, but I understand why. And you already apologized for that, sir, I hold no grudge.' He paused. ' Quite the opposite, sir, actually I am grateful.'

'You are bizarre kid, Jäger. But I never actually apologized, did I?' he rubbed back of his neck in a gesture which seemed nervous. 'I am really sorry that I had to do that. I guess - I guess you already assumed I didn't enjoy doing that in the slightest.' He looked briefly at Eren, who vigorously nodded at that. 'I need you to trust me through this, kid. I have no shittiest idea why you choose to trust me, even knowing I am the person who will kill you - and Jäger trust me in this too, I will if situation make me do it - but it will be so much easier if you do.' He glanced at Eren again, looking like he was about to add something, but then he just looked back through the window and toyed with the empty cup he was still holding.

He looked a little bit less tense then before. Eren picked up his cup, the tea in it was now at drinkable temperature. He took a little sip, the taste of chamomile familiar and soothing on his tongue, but also grazed with something more defined and a bit spicy, which he could not recognize.

'Chamomile, sir? My mother used to make it when someone was upset.'

'Yes, it is chamomile. What else?' Eren wondered if captain didn't comment on calming application of the herb on purpose or just found it uninteresting, but given his rigid posture just a moment ago, he was betting the first. He took another sip, trying to put his finger on the other taste.

'Lemon balm, sir?' He guessed, but nothing better was coming to his mind, even though he was almost sure he was wrong. Taste was familiar, but in this blend it was weak, almost completely dominated by the chamomile, despite it bland taste.

'Close.' No answer came after that. 'I think you should be going to sleep now. Hanji planned your first titan training for tomorrow.' With that, he took the empty cup from his hand.

Terrified, lost and betrayed was how Eren felt, tied to the arm of the titan. It made absolutely no sense that he transformed then, instead of when he furiously bit on his palm, trying to change. All of his comrades drew his swords at him instantly, only Levi stopping them from attacking, looking both cautious and worried. Eren felt sharp sting of guilt at his expression.

Later that night squad Levi demonstrated their trust and asked for the same in return, and it's been the first thing that actually felt good in a long time. He couldn't help but felt immensely relieved that they didn't actually hate him, that they only had to stay cautious of the monster he is. Not him. It is a relief, even if painfully confusing one.

After everyone left he stayed sitting at the table. Captain also looked like he had no plans to move. Eren didn't know if he was supposed to leave, or initiate the conversation, or something else entirely, so he just went with the first thing he knew about captain.

'Would you care for a cup of tea, sir?' he asked.

Levi gave him quizzical look before nodding once. 'Peppermint, Jäger.'

After he returned with two cups of tea he found Levi without his jacket, which was draped over the back of his seat, with one leg curled on the chair, chin propped on his knee. He looked oddly vulnerable to Eren, and he felt strange even thinking such thing about humanity's strongest soldier. Captain was as strong as human could get, he was everything Eren ever imagined the perfect soldier to be, but also - he was more than that. The more time he spent in his presence, the more human captain seemed to him, and it didn't make him any less worthy of admiration. It made him everything Eren was not, not only another asset in humanity's weaponry like the monster he was, but also someone valuable as a person.

Levi sharply returned to normal position as he saw Eren and instantly took a long sip from the cup he was handed. The tea must have been still close to boiling point but captain closed his eyes even further, his brows slightly unfurrowing.

'You can rely on them probably more than you can on me.' The statement came unexpected. Levi was looking straight at him.

'You were the person who stopped them from attacking me, sir' he pointed out, not bothering to act like there was something wrong with captain's conversation opener.

'I know' he sighed deeply, crossing his legs. 'But they will trust you more now. I will kill you if the situation calls for that.'

'I know.' Eren paused, looking at his tea, searching for the right words. 'And that is something I really need to rely on someone for, sir.'

'Care to explain?' Levis voice sounded a little strange, but Eren didn't want to look up from single leaf that got inside his cup from the kettle.

'Well... I don't know if I can even trust myself. I didn't know I can become a monster, how can I know what that monster can do? It is a relief that someone will kill me before I-I could try to kill someone. Like Mikasa.' His voice slightly trembled on last words and he quickly sipped a little tea to cover it. It was blissfully warm and comforting. 'It's a relief you are there to kill the monster, sir' he added.

' Jäger.' Captain's voice sounded a bit strained. He clearly waited for Eren to look at him, so he complied, raising his eyes from the cup. 'I don't want to kill you. And I don't hold such a sentiment for monsters.'

'Thank you, sir' Eren answered almost instantly, not sure how to react. He wasn't sure if he was more grateful or surprised.

'For not wanting to kill you? That's hardly a favor' captain snickered at him.

'I am not so sure if it applies to me.'

'Someone might have said the same thing about me' Levi blunted, looking regretful only a second later. Eren wasn't crazy enough to pursue the topic, but wonder why someone might have wanted to kill captain. Petra implied he had some past, but he couldn't believe it went to such extreme, even if captain said so himself.

'With all due respect, sir, you are not a titan and your comrades did not draw their swords at you' Eren uttered.

'Don't assume things, brat' captain suddenly looked annoyed. 'You are not a titan, and they did what they had to. We all do, you included. Don't feel so special'. He stood up, stretching his back. 'That's enough for tonight. Off to the dungeon you go.'

Eren, against all reason, felt comforted.

Then he was sure he could rely on captain. Right in that moment... not that much. He trusted him, and Petra, all of them, and they were all dead.

But would it be different had he made other choice? Like captain Levi said, no one could predict the outcome of their decisions. But Eren could not help feeling it was unfair to make him take all the responsibility when it should have been someone's else to take. Captain Levi's to be exact.

End Note:

Thank you all for reading. I am not a native speaker, so sorry for any mistakes, I tried my best and I try to learn more, so don't hesitate to tell me about any errors. Also, I'm looking for a beta, in case anyone would be interested. Oh, and I have a tumblr if anyone wants to follow some Ereri stuff and rants about writing:

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Have a nice day!