Batpig Forever
Just another messed story.
It was, as usual, another dark and depressing day in Gotham City. Crime was at a record high, the police were helpless to control the Mafia hanging around in the underbelly of the city, and (worst of all) Digimon was stuck playing the Princess Karaoke episode over and over again. Somebody had to stop it, and that somebody was the city's crime-fighting hero, Batpig. Disguised as (oh crap, I can't describe him as Playboy millionaire) Patamon, Batpig has devoted his life to foiling the insane losers that have taken over his fair city.
Our story begins at the dark and spooky Turkey Wall Manor, where our hero resides. You're probably wondering what our wealthy orange friend is up to at the moment. Well, he's throwing darts at a picture of Pikachu while his partners watch the Princess Karaoke episode with the mute button on.
"We have got to figure out who the hell got Digimon stuck on this freaking episode!" Biyomon (a.k.a. Batpig Girl) complained.
Wizardmon was just dead.
"Yeah, maybe it was Two-Face, or Poison Ivy or the Joker," Patamon said, throwing another dart. Joe was walking around, dusting stuff. You guessed it; he's Alfred the butler. Ooh, fun, excitement, and turkey wall.
"So…what do you think of the new kids?" Biyomon asked, poking Wizardmon, who's still dead.
"I think they-" Patamon was cut off by the phone ringing.
"Hello? No, this is not the Yamato Ishida fan club. No, he doesn't start dating Jun. Yes, Wizardmon is still dead."
"Wrong number?"
"Uh-huh."
Joe looked out the window, then sighed. "And that stupid spotlight goes on again. Next town meeting I'm protesting it."
"It's the Batpig signal! To the Batpigmobile, Dead Wonder!"
Patamon opened up the secret bookcase with the firemen's poles in it, then flew down to the Batpig Cave. Biyomon threw Wizardmon down and followed. Five seconds later, Patamon and Biyomon were wearing black masks and capes. Their utility belts were falling down, and Wizardmon is still dead.
"What do you think is wrong this time?" Batpig Girl asked as Patamon drove like a maniac.
"With our luck Tai will have gotten his head stuck in a blender. Either that or Mimi has decided to become the Spoon Goddess again."
They pulled up in front of the police station, and Biyomon dragged Wizardmon out of the car. Then they dragged him over to the Commissioner's desk and sat on top of it. Sora was polishing her gun and watching as Kari dropped goldfish into the water cooler.
"They're for decoration," she stated. Yolei and Hawkmon were hiding any and all weapons from her.
"Batpig, Dead Wonder, Batpig Girl, thanks for coming so quickly."
"No problem, Sora."
"We would have been here sooner, but you try dragging a dead Wizardmon everywhere."
"Gotham City is in the worst trouble it's been in since Gomamon opened that strip joint."
"It's even worse that he chose Tentomon to be his business partner," Batpig Girl sighed.
"But that's not the problem."
"Does it have to do with Princess Karaoke being the only Digimon episode airing?"
"No."
"What about all those gross fanfictions about Matt and Tai being gay?"
"That is a problem, but no."
"Then is it because Wizardmon's dead?"
"Nope. Somebody let all the criminals out of the Asylum, and they're running amok."
"We'll find them, won't we Dead Wonder?"
Wizardmon said nothing; maybe it was because he was dead.
"Batpig, where do you think all those evil villains are hiding?" Batpig Girl asked as they dragged Wizardmon back out of the police station.
"I dunno, but they can't have gotten too far."
"Ya know, I think Wizardmon is attracting flies."
"What makes you say that?"
"Well, he is dead."
~*~
"Hey Patamon?"
"Now what, Biyomon? Can't you see I'm trying to drive the Batpigmobile?"
"Well, I was just wondering…if you cast Sora, Yolei, Hawkmon and Kari as the Gotham City police, T.K. as the Mayor, and us as Batpig and Batpig Girl, where does that put everybody else?"
"Hmmm, on the Princess Karaoke episode, I guess."
Just then a group of figures darted across the road and into an alley.
"Did you see that, Dead Wonder?" No, the Dead Wonder didn't see it, he's dead.
"What was it, Batpig?" Batpig Girl asked.
"Looks like trouble. Let's check it out."
Batpig and Batpig Girl unbuckled, jumped out of the car, hauled Wizardmon out of the car, and then locked it.
"Can't be too careful these days," Batpig said, pressing the keyless locking thingy.
"They're getting away!" Batpig Girl cried, pointing to the group of figures dashing down the alley.
~*~
"We're almost home free!" one of the villains shouted, tightly clutching a bag of loot.
"But what if Batpig catches us?"
"Batpig? Who really cares if a flying ham hock in a cape tries to attack us?"
Just then two figures swooped down on the group and a third just kinda dropped.
"What the heck is that thing?"
"I am the terror that flaps in the night, I am the mortal enemy of crime and Pokémon, I am Batpig!"
"Oh yeah, first you rip off Batman, and now you go for Darkwing Duck. Wait until they get through with you," Biyomon muttered.
"Well, if it isn't our old friends. I thought we sent you up the river," Batpig sneered. "Okay, wait, stop the episode. You guys are the notorious villains?" Biyomon snorted. Wizardmon continued to be dead.
Palmon was wearing a leafy leotard in attempts to be Poison Ivy, Gatomon had a little black mask on cuz she's Catwoman, Gomamon was holding an umbrella (he's da Penguin), Piedmon was a very agitated Joker, and because nobody could find anyone better to play the part, Gennai was forced to be the cryptic Riddler.
"You'll never catch us, Caped Crusader!" Gomamon shouted, making penguin noises and adjusting his umbrella.
"Oh yeah?"
"Yeah! Marching fishes!"
"Lightning claw!"
"Poison ivy!"
"Clown trick!"
"Riddle me this, riddle me that, who's afraid of the big bad Bat…Pig?" Gennai puzzled cuz he's got no actual attacks. Batpig and Batpig Girl dodged the attacks, then reached for their utility belts.
"There's nothing in them but useless junk that's labeled Batpig something or other!" Batpig Girl cried.
"Oh? Like what?" Batpig asked.
"Let's see… the Batpig Dental Floss, the Batpig Grappling Hook, the Batpig Can of Mace, the Batpig Ritalin Injector, the Batpig Orange Peeler, the Batpig Wizardmon is Still Dead, the…need I continue?"
"No. But what do we do? We can't fight them!"
"Hello? Are we digimon or not?"
"Oops, I forgot. Boom bubble, pah!"
"Spiral twister!"
Oh, like that did much of anything. Still, the caped crusaders are far too stupid to throw in the towel just yet.
"Isn't there anything in these stupid belts we can use to stop them?" Batpig asked, ducking as Gatomon charged at him.
"Um…" Batpig Girl checked her belt again. "Whaddabout these?" she asked, pulling out a bunch of digivices.
"And this is supposed to help…how?"
"Well, since Wizardmon's still dead I figure we do this…" Batpig Girl started chucking the little metallic do-hickeys at the heads of their annoying adversaries. The digivices connected with ears, noses, and various other body parts.
"Ow! Hey, quit it! That hurts!" Gomamon whined, still making penguin noises.
"I'll teach her for messing with us. Poison ivy!" Palmon/Poison Ivy shrieked, entangling Batpig Girl in vines. Gatomon/Catwoman took another swipe at Batpig.
"Dead Wonder, do something!" Batpig shouted. Wizardmon remained in a dead slump.
"We're done for, Batpig!" Batpig Girl wailed.
Just when the story can't get any weirder, it does. Batman and Batgirl drop down off a nearby rooftop and face the crowd of wannabe heroes and villains.
"What the hell do you think you're doing?" Batman hissed.
"I…uh, that is…we were, just…heheh…ya see…" Patamon stammered.
"Listen, Pig. You've caused enough trouble in my town. I want you to take your little freak show and go back to your own network, or else."
"Yes sir, Mister Batman sir. We're leaving right now," the digimon groveled. They raced off the set and ran back to their own comfortable little Digiworld.
Batman snickered as he and Batgirl pulled off their masks.
"Do you know how dangerous that was? I could have broken a nail!"
"Mimi, tell me again why I brought you?" Matt asked.
" Your girlfriend Lia had to work tonight. And do you think we could do something about these outfits? Black is just not my color."
"Mimi…"
"How about pink? Ooh, pink with little sparkly things and high-heeled shoes! Whaddya think about that, Matty?"
"I think I'm gonna move to Metropolis. I bet Superman could use a partner."
~*~
Sometime later…
"I can't believe the TV is still stuck on the Princess Karaoke episode!" Palmon whined as everybody sat in Patamon's Turkey Wall Manor, throwing darts at Pikachu.
"Pass the pizza this way," Gomamon said, fiddling with the rabbit ears. Just then the phone rang.
"I got it," Patamon stated, grabbing the receiver. "Hello?"
"I was just wondering, is Wizardmon still dead?" the caller asked.
Wizardmon sat up, grabbed the receiver and asked, "What do you think?"