A/N: This is a one-shot that I wrote for my best-friend. :) Enjoy.
"Karbro! Open up" Gamzee shouted, knocking on the front door loudly.
I cursed dropping the razor on the tile in the kitchen, narrowly missing my foot.
I quickly ran my arm under the water in the sink before cleansing my cuts and wrapping my arm up.
"Karbro? Are you okay in there?"
"Yea I'm fine" I yelled back. "Be there in a sec."
There was no way I could let Gamzee find out that I've been cutting. He would be disappointed, angry even considering I was the one to help him with this exact problem, including helping him lay off of drugs.
It'd wreck him or he'd just be really hurt.
I'm not exactly sure how I could help him but not myself. It was pitiful really and only made me feel more pathetic. I was a failure and nothing could change that.
"Karbro hurry it up jeez." Rolling my eyes I walk to the door and pull it open.
"Finally" he exclaims pulling me into a bone crushing hug. Sometimes I forget how strong he is because of his lanky yet tall build.
When he pulls away his arm connects harshly with mine and I hiss in pain. This of course doesn't go unnoticed by Gamzee.
"Karbro are you okay?" he asks trying to grab my arm to look for injuries or some bullshit like that. I back away from him though.
"I'm fine, it just hurts because I slept on it wrong and then fell out of bed this morning and landed on it. It's just sore that's all, so don't touch it." I muttered hoping he wouldn't realize I was lying.
He seemed a little suspicious but he brushed it off and just let it go. I'd probably get questioned more later but for now everything was okay.
"You should be more motherfuckin' careful. You've been getting hurt a lot lately." I fight not to laugh bemusedly. If only he knew I was doing it on purpose.
I was surprised he hadn't figured it out yet considering he used to be in the same boat but maybe I was just good at concealing it. No that wasn't true. I'm a terrible liar. I think he's just choosing to ignore the signs because he doesn't want to believe it.
"Are you ready to go Karbro?" his voice is raspy and I know it's because he only just recently stopped the smoking and drugs.
One of the greatest things to come out of the whole thing with me helping him stop self-harming was that he stopped hiding behind his mask of face paint. He no longer feels so self-conscious, like he has to hide himself and for that I'm grateful.
It makes me happy to know that I helped him through his issues and his self-consuming depression.
It's nice to know that even though I couldn't help myself I could help others like me.
The thoughts brought a genuine smile to my face as I nodded at Gamzee.
"Yea I'm ready, let me just go slip my shoes on" I replied and made my way to my room. "If you want a drink there's some sodas in the fridge." I called as I slipped on my red converse.
I grabbed my wallet, keys and phone slipping them into my pocket before leaving the room.
I stepped into the living room to see Gamzee in the same spot and I raised a brow.
He chuckled. "Didn't want anything." I shrugged.
"Okay let's go then." I said and made my way to the door, Gamzee following behind me.
I locked the door and we were on our way.
"So I was talking to Sollux the other night..." I trailed off when I saw him frown.
"What's wrong Gam?" I asked
"You've just been spending a lot of time with that tall motherfucker. Are you two in a relationship?"
My cheeks filled with color and I turned away from him refusing to meet his gaze.
I cleared my throat. "No uum...we're not dating." I didn't add the fact that I did have a crush on him because I felt like it'd upset him. Also because the crush I had on Sollux was like a speck of dust compared to the love I had for Gamzee.
"Okay cool bro" he says a grin stretching back onto his face.
Around ten mnutes later we arrive at out secret spot. Hidden from view by a billion trees-it's practically a forest-is a hilltop surrounded by flowers.
It overlooks the entire city and is absolutely magnificent. In the middle of the large array of flowers lies a single picnic basket atop a checkered picnic blanket.
"Did you do this Gam?" he chuckles.
"Yea. Do you like it little bro?"
"It's amazing. Thanks Gam, you're amazing" he smiles and engulfs me in a hug while I laugh momentarily forgetting all of my problems.
Letting me go we take a seat on the blanket and began eating as the birds chirp and the blows, lightly rustling the leaves on the trees.
It's beautiful and moments like these make me feel like I actually belong.
Once we finish eating we pack up the basket and lay down in the grass looking up at the clouds in the sky.
"Beautiful isn't it?" I muttered with a smile on my face.
"Just like you" Gamzee said and I felt a flutter in my heart which quickly faded away.
I'm not beautiful in fact I'm ugly and I'm a hypocrite. I'm a terrible person and I don't deserve his compliments.
Just like that my mood depletes and I'm left with thoughts of my insignificance to the world.
"Karbro what's wrong?" Gamzee asked and I looked at him confused.
"Nothing"
"You're crying Karbro." he said hovering over me and wiping away the tears I didn't know were falling,.
"It's nothing" I muttered but even I could detect the lie behind my words.
"You can motherfuckin' talk to me. No need to lie." he pulled me up into his lap, my head against his chest.
"Tell me what's up and wrong" I shook my head against his chest.
"You'll get angry" I mumbled clutching him to me tightly.
"I could never hate you Karbro. I love you" I sobbed loudly at his words and pushed away from him quickly getting to my feet.
"No!" I shouted to Gamzees shock. "You shouldn't love me! In fact you should hate me..I'm a liar and hypocrite!" Gamzee stood to his feet.
"Karbro what are you up and talkin' about?"
"This!" I shouted pulling up my sleeves to show the recent bandages along with old scars littering my skin.
"I cut okay! I-god I hate myself so much. I hate how you call me beautiful and compliment me all the time. I hate when you tell me all these positive things about me when none of them are true! I'm a horrible person that doesn't deserve to be here...all I wanna do is die!" I screamed, tears streaming down my cheeks as I crumpled to my knees sobbing loudly.
Gamzee was by my side in an instant wrapping me up in his arms as he rocked me back and forth gently running his fingers through my hair.
"You're not horrible or ugly, you're beautiful and amazing Karbro. You helped me so I'm going to help you. I love you so much" I struggled to get out of his arms.
I don't want this, I'm not worth it. He's amazing an I'm just some broken, pathetic excuse for a human being.
I kicked and thrashed around trying to get away even as he clutched me tightly.
"Karkat stop it" he muttered and I froze.
He never says my name..ever and this will be the first time since I first met him.
"I'm not-not okay. I'm not good for you, no matter what you say. I'll never be happy or beautiful. I'm scarred and I'm broken." I said sadly.
"Stop putting yourself down Karbro. You're perfect in every way and even though you have scars, you're still a beautiful person inside and out. You can make it through the days and eventually you'll rise up because you're my little miracle."
In that moment I truly believe him. I believe I could make it through and that's why I kissed him. I kissed him because he cared, because there was actually someone who didn't think of me as worthless. I kissed him because I loved him and I truly felt loved by him a well.
It was perfect while it lasted and I'm glad I had that moment with him.
That's why I told him I love him and when he reciprocated I felt okay, better than before and it was great.
Then a few days later when he was helping me become better everything was great until well it wasn't. I relapsed then and I thought because I loved him and he loved me I could hold on for the few hours it would take him to come back but for whatever reason I couldn't stop myself.
I wasn't able to wait those few hours for him to tell me everything was okay, for him to let me know he'd always be here.
The only thing I could do was scribble out a small note before I took my life.
It had been too much; overwhelming and all consuming are the words I used to describe how my life was.
I couldn't hold it together and by the time I realized what I was doing it was too late.
It was a few hours later when Gamzee found him lying there in a pool of his own blood, a note clasped tightly in his hand.
He fell to his knees beside him and held his limp hand in his own.
He pulled the note from his bloody hand as tears streamed down his face.
"Karkat why?" he choked out and unwrapped the note.
Dear Gamzee,
I love you and I'm sorry. I know you said I could make it but I can't-couldn't!
I'm sorry I couldn't hold it together for you.
I wanted to, I really did but I just felt so insignificant and I couldn't take it anymore. Sorry you had to love someone so worthless and weak.
I'm sorry that I am and was Forever damaged
Love,
Karkat Vantas-Makara
~I always loved you 3
He gripped the note tightly in his hand staining it with his tears.
"Karkat! wake up!" he screamed shaking him even though he knew in every fiber of his being that the one person he ever loved was forever gone.
He kept his hand in his tightly having not wanted to lose any form of contact with him.
His actions were robotic as he called 911 and waited for their arrival.
Even when they arrived, questioned him and took Karkat away all he could do was stare blankly.
He had been his savior and his only reason for living and that's why a few days later after he said his goodbyes at Karkats funeral he stood over a cliff and he jumped.
Everyone loses the battle at some point but then there are those of us that prevail and are lucky.
The unlucky ones are the ones who believe they're cured, who believe everything is finally okay but then there's that one thing that makes them crack, that one thing that brings everything back and that's because they were never really healed of their thoughts, their pain.
It was all a ruse and that's because no matter what they do they'll always and Forever be Damaged.