Every Day
What is really going through Bella's mind when she's around Jacob – during the 'healing' process in NEW MOON. Haven't read it in a bit – if it's OOC let me know please! Sung by Rascal Flatts! (AN bold is Jake's point of view! – I know, but I felt daring!)
You could have bowed out gracefully
But you didn't
Great. He knew. He knew how messed up I was. Well, not all of it. But he knows enough – why shouldn't he? I'm the talk of this town. Chief Charlie's depressed daughter because her boyfriend left her.
Pathetic Bella.
He could have left me alone.
He could have bowed out, a long time ago. Know one would have begrudged him – Jacob Black didn't owe me a thing.
So why was he still here?
Why was I still here, in his garage?
Why was he letting me?
You knew enough to know
To leave well enough alone
But you wouldn't
He obviously heard about my 'catatonic' stage – the week of unspeakable nothingness. He knew to leave well enough alone – I was obviously dealing with it.
Okay, maybe not, but he didn't have to light up like a Christmas tree whenever I was near him.
Why wouldn't he? What could I possibly ever do to deserve a friend like him?
I'm damaged, I don't deserve him.
So why can't I stay away?
I drive myself crazy
Tryin' to stay out of my own way
"You know, you don't have to sit all the way over there," Jacob told him, projecting his voice. "It's not like I bite."
I suppressed a shudder at those words. "I don't want to get in your way,"
"Who said you're in the way?" He asked, flashing me a brilliant grin.
So I moved closer to him.
I'm trying to stay out of my way – I don't want to get hurt again! The traitorous voice in my mind screamed at him.
"Seriously Bella, Crazy isn't catching – I should know, my friends are crazy enough to send a therapist to therapy."
I smile at him. They obviously never met me, was all I could think
The messes that I make
But my secrets are so safe
I looked in the mirror for the first time.
I'm a mess – I make the mess of my life look like Jacob's criminal record – spotless.
I'm not even trying to aim for 'impressive' now. I'm not even trying full stop. If I tried, then Jacob would know about my secrets.
No, messy Bella = safe secrets.
He can't know about the voices.
He never can.
The only one who gets me
Yeah, you get me
It's amazing to me
"Bella doesn't like music," Jake's words slid through my brain.
How the hell did he know me so well? How come only he gets me – if only vaguely?
It's truly amazing.
Maybe he's ultimately perceptive.
Or maybe I'm just … transparent.
I think I'll live with ultimate perceptiveness.
I don't think my self-confidence could take that much of a hit right now.
How every day
Every day, every day
You save my life
I wonder, every night before the inevitable darkness surrounds me, if Jake knows just how much he's saving me?
Saving my life, without even trying?
Every day, every day I spend with him makes the night's more bearable.
I know the nightmare must end. I don't wake up screaming anymore.
Yeah, he's saving my life.
Every day.
I come around all broken down and crowded out
And you're comfort
I remember the first time I saw her, after Edward left her. Broken.
That's the only word I could use to describe her.
I feel broken – still. Like the hole that is still festering in my chest is getting even more revenge on me – because I'm not broken when I'm with Jake. My mind isn't crowed with images, memories of him.
He's a comfort.
He'll never know how much of a comfort though.
He's my sun.
Sometimes the place I go
Is so deep and dark and desperate
I don't know, I don't know
But even the sun can't break up the darkness inside of me. When the hole expands and I have to hold myself together.
The hole is buried so deep inside, in a place so dark not even the sun can penetrate it.
I don't know how Jake can stand it.
I don't know how he can hold me at those times, even though I don't ask for it.
I don't know how he can continue on as if nothing happened.
I just, don't know.
How everyday
Every day, everyday
You save my life
But every time, every smile, the hole stops festering, just a little.
It gets a little smaller – almost imperceptibly, but smaller all the same.
Like he's patching up my soul.
Like he's saving my life, every dya, without even realising it.
Sometimes I swear,
I don't know if I'm coming or goin'
But you always say something
I'm lost today. I don't know if I was leaving Jake's, or arriving. I was so out of it.
More than usually out of it.
More dazed then when I hear His voice – so perfect, like velvet – when riding the bikes.
"Come on Bella, back in the truck – we're going hiking, remember?"
Without even knowing
I nod and smile.
How can he do that? Get me right on track, with just a few words, without even knowing?
Without ever realizing what he's doing?
That I'm hanging on to your words
With all of my might and it's alright
Yeah, I'm alright for one more night
His words – however innocent seeming – are the only things that are keeping me afloat.
I'm clutching to them like life rafts.
It's now his words – Jakes – that I think of to keep me sane of a night.
And, the scariest part of that it, that it works.
Every day
Every day, every day, every day
Every day, every day,
And so every morning, every day, I selfishly go to him, praying that he can save me a little more.
Everyday.
Everyday I pray, for him to keep on liking me.
You save me, you save me,
So that he can save me, save me from Him, save me from His tragedy.
Everyday
Every, every, every day –
I really like Bella.
Heck, like doesn't even begin to cover it – I think I love her.
I do love her.
And every day, every minute, every moment I spend with her just confirms that.
I know she isn't ready for it though.
So I'll just keep praying that she'll keep coming back.
Back to me.
Every day.
Everyday you save my life
Yeah, Jake Really saves my life, every dya.
I just wish that he knew.