My name's Honey Badger. Yes, it's a nickname. Yes, it's a nickname I picked for myself. Deal with it. I used to play freedom fighter back in the Earth Kingdom, and most people around my hometown figure anyone with the stones to fight can call themselves whatever crazy name they wanted.
Honey badgers are balls to the walls insane. Nobody crosses them because they know that if they do they'll get sent home in shreds. Honey Badgers do not mess around. It doesn't matter what they're fighting- rock snakes, wolf bats, sabretooth moose, freaking platypus bears- to them it just's different flavors to chew on.
I dig that, I really do. Ever since I saw one tear apart an anaconda spider on my fifth birthday I've thought they were the coolest animals around. So naturally, when the Fire Nation came and conquered my village, I did what any honey badger would do when a new predator showed up on his turf. I buckled down, unsheathed the claws and got to work.
Now, I'm stuck in the Fire Nation. Let me tell you how that happened.
I knew this one really cool kid, a guy named Haru. He, his dad, and like two dozen other guys came into town, having just broken out of a Fire Nation prison. They wanted to team up with me, 'cause they know a badass when they see one.
I said, uh-uh. No way. The Honey Badger doesn't do sidekicks. But, like, I wasn't unfriendly or nothing. I showed them the ropes- how to scavenge food, how to live off the land. How to ambush and how to break contact. How to tell when a local was being leaned on by the Fire Nation, and how to tell whether that guy would break. Some guys I knew liked to retaliate against traitors, buts that's not how the Honey Badger operated. I figure, life's tough enough for a farmer even without the war going on, and how would I like to have to choose between getting rolled up by the resistance and watching my family get dragged off?
Man, that would suck.
So yeah, I taught Haru and his buddies all they knew about kicking ass. Well, not all. Haru learned Earthbending from his dad, of course. I ain't no Bender. I took some classes once, but I drove the teacher crazy trying to teach me. He said I didn't have the "patience or serenity that the spirits gave to the average three year old." Whatever that means. I guess you need like lots of spirituality to be a bender, and I just wasn't cosmic enough to pull it off. Anyway, with like a platoon of Earthbenders stirring up trouble in my village, the Fire Nation pumped in more soldiers, and Haru said that was a good thing 'cause that meant that the soldiers out in Ba Sing Se and all those other places wouldn't have to deal with them. I remember I laughed and said who cares about that, now we got plenty of opportunities to practice ambushes. So Haru and me played tag with the new guys for a while, like a couple of months.
They weren't in my group, though. We just hung together and maybe helped each other out a lot. You ever see a couple of honey badgers needing to team up to take on a skunk bear? Yeah, me neither.
Crap! Almost forgot an important piece of the story. Haru and his dad and their buddies broke out of jail with the help of the Avatar, who was back after disappearing for a century. I can't believe I almost forgot that, 'cause without that part I never would have ended up in the Fire nation.
I'm better at fighting than I am at telling stories, honest.
Actually, I think Haru's had himself a little crush on some girl with the Avatar, 'cause the first time he told me the story he never mentioned the Avatar at all. It was Katara this and Katara that, and Haru's dad had to cut in and mention that Katara had had a little help saving the day from Aang and some dude called Sokka.
Katara must have been drop dead gorgeous, 'cause Haru just flat out would not stop talking about her. She had these weird Water Tribe hair loops that apparently got Haru hotter than a Fire Nation attack, 'cause he wouldn't stop talking about them either.
So yeah. Things were pretty cool, and regardless of what my old Earthbending teacher said, I was pretty at peace with myself. When I was tired, I slept. When I was hungry, I went out hunting or snuck into the Fire Nation stores (always worth if you don't get caught). When I was in the mood for a scrap, I took to the roads and jumped on messengers and stragglers. When I was lonely, or just wanted some one to talk to, I could drop in on Haru and shoot the breeze for a while.
Like I said, Haru was cool. He was a little bummed that he didn't see his mom anymore, and I told him a few stories about my folks back home, and he seemed to appreciate it. My mom was in the city doing laundry for rich people, and my dad died in the army. I think he liked it when I told him stories, so I did it a lot. This one time, we stayed up all night long drinking rice wine, and while I don't remember it he swears that I danced while he played on his mandolin. He says I dance like a guy trying to fight off a dozen invisible ninjas while suffering seizures, and I couldn't tell if that was a good thing or not.
Haru was kinda quiet, mostly. I had him pegged as being sensitive and wimpy when I met him 'cause he's not really assertive. I found out I was wrong. Haru doesn't brag or trash talk because I guess that's not how his mind works. But he is a badass. He just hides it well if you don't know him.
So then the Water Tribe dude came into town, and that's when things got interesting.
The guy was hardcore- that much was clear from the start. He had this really gnarly burn across his torso, and he was wiry- a lot of muscle in not a whole lot of body, you know? And his hands were like beef jerky, they were so jacked up. I found out later on that spending most of your life on a boat will turn anyone's hands like that.
As the local bandit-in-chief and fellow badass, I welcome him to my turf with a hearty handshake and asked how I could help. I was thinking, like, he was trying to get south to where I heard the Water Tribe warriors were at. I was thinking he was a refugee or something who needed safe passage away from the danger zone.
First thing out of his mouth was, "My chief is looking for an Earthbender named Haru. I heard he's in this province."
Darn near knocked me on my butt, I'll tell you that.
Guy's name was Bato, by the by. I forgot to mention that earlier.
I put him in contact with my buddy and stepped back, wondering what was up. Maybe it was news of Haru's mom, or something. Maybe Haru would be going home to help, or something. I didn't want that, but I couldn't imagine how to stop him from going away to help out family.
Haru came up to me later and gave me the head's up.
Invasion. Taking the fight to the Fire Nation capitol. A solar eclipse was coming up and the Firebenders wouldn't be able to bend. The Avatar was calling up all his allies for one quick, surgical strike to roll up Fire Lord Ozai.
I loved it. I volunteered to go along with before Haru even had a chance to invite me.
Bato linked me, Haru, and Haru's dad up with Hakoda, his chief. He'd be transporting us and a bunch of other dudes that Aang knew to the staging area.
On the boat ride out, I threw up most of my guts. My estimation of Bato and Hakoda went up, 'cause they presumably had to deal with feeling like this all the time and could still function.
In one of my lucid moments (and after my stomach ran out of food to upchuck), I noticed that Haru was trying to grow a 'stache. I asked him what was up with that, and since he wouldn't tell me I accused him of trying to look butch for Katara. He blushed and said that I was just jealous because I couldn't grow anything but peach fuzz. There was some truth to this, so I threatened to puke all over his cot, and he just winked and went above decks, where I couldn't follow without seeing the horizon shift sickeningly. I couldn't even go out on deck till we got in Fire Nation waters and had the Water Benders whip up some fog. I could still feel the ship rocking and it freaked me out, but not being able to see the horizon helped a lot.
Anyway, the Avatar had met with some weird people since he returned. There were these two shyster wrestlers, one tall and built like a bull, and the other massive and fat; a crazy dude with crazy hair who had designed our landing craft, and his paraplegic son; some Foggy Swamp rubes; some freedom fighters from out west of my home turf. And of course some soldiers who escaped the fall of Ba Sing Se, and every Water Tribe warrior Hakoda had left. The crowning jewel of the lot being the Honey Badger, obviously.
It was going to be one heck of a party, I could tell.
"Good morning everyone!" the idiot said as he was rushing toward the center of the platform.
Sokka looked scared. Like, real scared.
He tripped and sprawled, spraying maps and charts all over the place. I felt my eyebrow cock.
"Ummmm, so as you know, we're invading the Fire Nation. I mean, I know you know that." He giggled nervously. "Because otherwise why would you be here. Anyway-" And then he dropped the maps and stuff again. He scrambled around putting the charts back on the display board.
"Dang," I whispered to Haru. "Didn't the Mechanist say that this was the guy who designed the underwater boats? We're going to die."
Haru didn't say anything. I think he was too busy looking at Katara, with her little hair loops.
"The Fire Lord's palace is here," he said, smacking a finger to the map. "Uh, no, wait." He quickly switched to a different map. "Uh, wait, uh, wait," and then he found the right one. "It's here. And, uh, there's an eclipse today and Aang's going to fight the Fire Lord and the Firebenders won't have any fire to use, so that's good for us and uhhhh..."
Wow.
Sokka composed himself. "Let me start at the beginning. Katara and I discovered Aang frozen in an iceberg. Now I didn't like Aang at first but I grew to love him over time. Then we went over to the Southern Air Temple where Aang used to live and then we met Suki, who is a Kyoshi warrior. She made me dress like a woman and then she kissed me-"
Wow.
"-and then Aang's friend was a crazy old man and then Katara got Haru arrested and now he's grown a mustache and if you look in the front row you can see him-"
Haru's face lit up as Katara sought him out in the crowd.
And then Hakoda ruined the entertainment and took over the briefing.
"Today is the Day of Black Sun," he said.
And I was like, whoa. He was in a whole different league than the Honey Badger. You'd better believe I listened up.
"I want to thank you all for your self sacrifice and your courage. They're two steps to the invasion. A naval stage and then a land stage. To gain sea access to the Fire Nation capital, we have to get pass our first major obstacle here," he pointed them out on the map. "The Great Gates of Azulon. Next, we hit the land and we hit hard."
He hammered a fist into the map. It was so hardcore. I was getting pumped up just listening to the plan.
"We must fight past their battlements and secure the plaza tower. Once we do that, it's up to the royal palace. At that point, the eclipse will begin."
One of the wrestlers raised a hand. "The Boulder is confused. Isn't the point to invade during the eclipse, while the Firebenders are powerless?" The guy clearly thought he was hardcore. He wasn't all that, I bet I could take him. Badass isn't about your muscles, it's a state of mind.
Hakoda shook his head sharply. "The eclipse will only last 8 minutes. Not enough time for the whole invasion, and the royal palace is heavily guarded by Firebenders. So that's where we'll need the eclipse advantage the most. When this is finished, the Avatar would have defeated the Fire Lord. We would have control of the Fire Nation capital, and this war will be over!"
We all cheered like crazy. I think I was louder than anyone, but I can't think of a way to prove it.
Everyone was really nervous as we piled into underwater boats. Even me. We didn't know how they work, and if they stopped working we would drown.
It was pretty dim in there, and we were all crammed in together really close. I don't think those Foggy Swamps guys had taken a bath recently, but I didn't want to go and distract them while they were doing their thing. We just kind of suffered in silence, you know?
The ten minute break was heaven. I was in a different boat then Haru, but he saw me across the water and he waved, and I waved back and started to shout a hello but everyone around me shushed me. We were supposed to be subtle and sneaky and stuff. Then we went back inside.
The worst bit was when we got speared by this huge ballista thing while we were still under water. I didn't see what hit us till we hit the surface, of course, all I knew at the time was there was a long vibration from the rear, and then "front" abruptly become "down." I was in the front of the formation, too, so every guy behind me landed on top of me, hollering and screaming and carrying on. I'm just glad none of them had their swords out when we got speared, 'cause that would have been a really stupid way to go.
Anyway, something cut the line that was towing us up, and we got back on track. When the underwater boat righted itself I got to fall back onto the guys who had landed on me, and I made a point to land elbow first.
Bato let us know when we were about to land, and he started snapping orders for everyone to prepare themselves. All the Earthbenders got into their crazy caterpillar tanks. I didn't though. I'm no bender, and I couldn't do nothing to nobody from inside on of those things. I would be going into with the Water wolves in between the tanks, and I fully intended to kick some ass, too. The Honey Badger does not mess around.
We went and hit the beach, and things got pretty intense. They had catapults and tanks and ballistas and all kinds of crazy stuff, and it was all pointed right at us and firing as fast as they could. And I got to thinking, you know, why didn't we just land on the north or south of the island and make our way into the capitol from there? It looked like every piece of artillery the Fire Nation had was aimed down the path we picked. I mean, come on, but then I wasn't thinking nothing 'cause I was out there in the open, trying to stay pressed up against the sides of the tanks. Those fireballs were scary, and I'm not ashamed to admit it. The Foggy Swamp guys shielded us from the tanks but the battlements up on the cliff sides could just lather us in fire, and I started to taste bile I was so nervous. You can't kick a fireball's ass, you can only fight the guy who shot it at you. And the guy shooting at me was way out of range.
We pressed forward and got shot up, but the Mechanist had make those caterpillars pretty sturdy. The fireballs just ricocheted off, or burned themselves out against the armor. It was pretty badass, actually, and I started to get into a fighting mood as it became clear that the firestorm wasn't stopping us. I couldn't wait to get started.
It came soon enough. A bunch of Firebenders on komodo rhinos charged us and the Water wolves and I starting mixing it up with them. That's how I thought of them- Water wolves. I forgot to mention that earlier.
Sokka and Hakoda led the countercharge, and I got to admit it, Sokka had some moves. He seemed to be a chip off the badass block, alright. I guess he just sucked at giving speeches or something. Those two held the center all by themselves while we circled around to nail the flanks.
I should have mentioned this earlier, but I don't fight with weapons. I was taught bare handed, and that's how I fight. It's not like a moral stand or nothing, I just haven't learned any techniques for knives or swords or spears or nothing. I've gotten kind of good with captured weapons, though, due to the practice, but it's nothing I'd want to go into a fight with.
I remember back home I tried being a sniper with a captured bow, except I missed nine out of ten shots and the only one that hit bounced off the guy's armor, so I ditched the bow and went back to jumping on people.
Anyway, the point is, I wasn't armed, but I didn't need to be. Ever see a honey badger pull a knife on someone? Yeah, didn't think so.
I picked out one Firebender with a spear and ran at him. The cool thing about fighting guys with spears is that once you're past the point, it's easy as anything. I feinted left as he lunged and spun around the other way, then grabbed the shaft and popped my instep into the guy's groin. I held onto his weapon as he hit the ground. I looked left and right for a new target but the Water wolves had driven them off.
This is why I worked alone. I don't have the same sense of accomplishment that I get when I beat up the enemy by myself.
Still, now I had a spear, I guess. We fell back into formation with the slow moving tanks, where we were getting rained on by the ballistas up on the cliffsides. Forgot to mention them earlier, but there were like two dozen towers that had been pounding us from above the whole time.
Sokka, Hakoda, and Katara got on the big flying bison and started wrecking the battlements on the left, but the ones on the right were untouched. This was the kind of thing that I lived for.
I went up to on of the caterpillar tanks and banged on it, shouting above the noise that I need to talk to Haru. They hollered back that he was in the tank behind them, so I went there and shouted again, and Haru poked a head out through a metal sheet and asks what's up.
I told him, get me up there, and I jerked my finger really hard up at the tower closest to the landing area. Haru knew what I asking in a heartbeat- we work well together like that, we usually know what the other's thinking. He stomped his feet and thrust his fist and all that, and then something smacked into my feet and sent me flying. The ground got really far away really quick, and for a moment the whole view below looked kind of like one of Sokka's maps, but then I landed and rolled. I got to my feet, picked up my new spear, and went into full on honey badger mode.
The first tower was easy 'cause they didn't know anybody was coming for them. There were two of them operating the ballista, and I smacked one in the back of the head with the but of the spear, then smacked the other. I cut the strings of the giant bow and spilled all the fire oil on the ground, then a good idea came to me and I poured a lot of the oil on the two Firebenders, 'cause now if they tried to bend they'd set themselves on fire. I took a moment to congratulate myself on how smart and cunning I was and then sprinted from the next one.
These ones saw me coming, and came out to fight. It took me a like a minute to beat them, 'cause they were really good, but I had a spear and they were unarmed except for their bending, and I knew how to fight that. I left them outside while I sabotaged the artillery piece. I think I killed one of them, but I wasn't sure.
I don't usually fight to the death or anything. The rule of thumb is, once they're out of the fight, the fight's over. If it's 'cause they're unconscious, then I wouldn't, like, kill them while they're down. And when you fight unarmed, they'll usually survive the experience with just a concussion or something. These guys had rushed me and maybe scared me, so I got a little wild on them.
I sprinted for the next one, getting a little out of breath. I burst through the door and found that they had already run. I got a little cocky till I looked out and realized that I was getting left behind by the invasion force- the Firebenders up here had rushed forward to help defend the capitol. There was already a fire spear loaded, so I pointed it out in front of the lead tank and pressed the lever that let it loose. I tracked it's progress to where it landed in between two Fire Nation tanks, making all the Firebenders around them jump ten feet in the air and scramble back. I laughed and started running to catch up.
The only way down I could see was to jump and slide down the cliffside. Honestly, it scared me worse than anything else I did that day, except for when our underwater boat got speared. I started the trip down a little off balance and never had time to correct myself at all the whole way down, but I made it alright. I made it to the tanks panting my lungs out right before the flying bison came back with Sokka. I didn't see Hakoda or Katara with him. It was really, like, chaotic. No one was advancing and the Fire Nation tanks were giving us a whipping. I didn't know what was going on so I just milled around trying to figure out what to do when Sokka bellowed out at all of us from on top of the bison.
"Everybody, listen up! I want the tanks in a wedge formation, warriors and benders in the middle!"
Everybody sprang to it, including me. I had to use some elbows to get into the front rank.
"We're taking that tower, and heading for the royal palace! CHARGE!"
The Honey Badger gives his seal of approval, Sokka is officially hardcore.
Honestly, the rest of the day is kind of a blur. We just kept going forward, and the Firebenders kept backing up, and those tanks the the crazy hair guy made took take a lot of hits and still keep going.
I remember this one little blind girl named Toph, man, she a badass. She made Hakoda look weak, and with a beard like his that's hard to do. She was like a master Earthbender or something, and she would just march straight ahead and demolish everything in front of her. It was amazing and inspiring and uplifting all at once.
I admit I was a little bit in awe when we got into the capitol. The city where my mom works could fit into this city like a hundred times, and they'd still have room for public parks. I guess I was a bit of a yokel, staring all slack-jawed at the sight of three-story buildings.
That when the eclipse kicked in and things got really fun. I was assured that it only lasted 8 minutes, but it seemed a lot longer than that. I ditched my captured spear to avoid giving myself an unfair advantage, and I just whaled on them one by one, then two by two. There was more then enough glory to go around, so when some guys tried to pull swords and fight without bending, I just backed up and let the Water wolves kick some ass. I just wish that they hadn't been wearing the masks so I could have seen the looks on their faces.
A lot of work in just eight minutes. I was tired as anything by time the sun came out again. It was a memory I'll treasure forever- the others might call this the Day of Black Sun, but I call it the Day of Kicked Asses. Our prisoners outnumbered us two to one, I mean, in what way is that not awesome?
The Honey Badger was satisfied.
But all cool stuff must come to an end. The Avatar hadn't found Fire Lord Ozai in time, so it was all for nothing. Then a whole fleet of freaking airships came over the horizon, and I almost drooled. I so wanted to fly in one of those. Aang hopped on his glider and went to kick their asses, but then they swatted him away and went and bombed the crap out of our underwater boats so we were stuck.
The invaders were not happy campers, you know?
I weaved through the mass of exhausted fighters and found Haru.
"Honey Badger! I thought you were dead!"
"Me?" Huh? "No. Look, are we all surrendering or fighting? I've been hearing different things."
"We're running," Haru said. "Aang and his friends, and all the kids. Everyone else is surrendering."
"Oh." Yeah, right. Honey badgers don't surrender. Though I could dig the idea that the youngsters were getting out on the bison. "So I was thinking if we sneak off now, we can find some back alleys to get lost in, and then play some sabotage games. And in the capitol city! This is the big time, man! I've always wanted to-"
"I'm leaving."
"Whoa. What?"
"My dad insisted. He's been in prison and he says he can handle it, but he doesn't want that to happen to me."
I stared. "I just said, we sneak off. We're not gonna surrender. We're hardcore, man! We can do it! We can't count on the locals to give us food, but I'm betting that-"
"I already told you, man. I'm leaving. With... you know. With Aang, and Sokka. And Katara." He shrugged, embarrassed.
I nodded sagely. "I dig it, I dig it. Good luck."
We hugged and slapped each other's back, and he wished me good luck and I told him to get moving 'cause I wanted to get a head start on finding a hiding place for the night before reinforcements showed up. I watched him say bye to his dad and get on the bison with the other kids. I got really sad, 'cause I didn't think I'd ever see him again. There aren't many people in my life that like to spend time with me, and the only ones who weren't getting on sky bisons or getting ready to go to prison were a thousand miles away. I wondered what my mom would think of me now. I think she'd be proud that her son was kicking ass behind enemy lines, and scared because her Honey Badger might get hurt.
Then I cheered up as I started jogging back down the path we fought up, 'cause I had the enemy's capitol city to play in. They couldn't possibly have enough guards to comb through every nook and cranny in the city, and I could play hide and seek forever. Steal clothes to look like a local, steal food to survive. Find the war factories and throw some wrenches into gears. Look for any government official walking alone and jump on him from behind. It was going to be great. And if I do get captured, well, heck, that's what would have happened anyway if I stayed behind to surrender.
Maybe if I last long enough, Fire Nation moms will tell stories about me- "Eat your vegetables, or the Honey Badger will come and get you!" or something like that.
That would kick ass.