Disclaimer: Characters and story lines from Inuyasha are not mine, and are the property of their respective creators, publishers and distributors. Additional characters belong to Queen of Swords, used with permission, originating from her fanfiction 'My Brother's Keeper', an unfinished, but wonderful story that was the original inspiration for my own tale. All other characters are my own creation, please ask before you borrow.
Introduction: In the anime series, Sesshoumaru is cold, hateful and angry. The reasons are explained, but not his history. This is my version, and slightly AU as the timeline has been altered with some scenes omitted. Personally I like Sesshoumaru very much. He is cold, hard, aloof, yet he obviously feels something for Inuyasha that is not hate, why else would he have so much trouble killing his little brother?
Hearts' Desire
My Heart Knows Only Sorrow
Chapter One: First Tear
The rain slithered down from the purplish grey sky soaking the vast assemblage to the core as they stood around the black void that swirled an ominous deep purple. Dressed in white, the color of their Race, the many pale skinned nobles and common folk raised their voices in the ancient hymns to pass on one of their beloved leaders. As their final strain faded under a peal of thunder the deep purple dimensional rift shimmered darkly once more then slowly coalesced into a single shining black pearl that fell into the waiting hand of the silently mourning youkai lord. The silver-white haired great demon placed the pearl within the hands of a tiny flea demon that would guard the pearl and the tiny wooden shrine built to hold it with her life as these would serve as the only reminders in this mortal realm of the recently deceased beloved Lady.
Young Sesshoumaru, standing only to his father's knee, kept his head bent against the pouring rain, standing silently before the shrine, stoically preventing his sobs from sounding or shaking his small shoulders. Today, his mother had died. The beloved demon, Lady Dokutsume, had been training him in the art of swordplay, the one area that she excelled above all except her beloved lord husband and his youngest brother, when the attack came, and to save her only pup, she gave her life. Sesshoumaru braced himself against the sorrow that threatened to shred his heart within his chest and faced his father as the ceremony of passing was completed.
Surrounding their demon Lord and his young son, the nobles of the rest of the Western Shiro-Inu tribe stood, heads bowed in respect of their beloved lady. Lady Dokutsume had been a fierce warrior, had bested most of the male fighters and proved her worthiness to stand at Lord Nishi's side. Now with their only child and heir only fifteen summers old, the equivalent of a three year old human, Lord Nishi would have to face raising his child alone with only the aid of his unwed younger three brothers and sister.
"Beloved mother, find peace in your passing, join our ancestors in the great hall of memory and prove your worth in the nightly hunts as you chase the monsters of the night sky to the awakening dawn. Make our ancestors proud so that we may join you when it is our time to stand at their sides and prove our own worth in the night hunts." The words of passing were spoken in a very young, but strong voice that quavered only slightly through the pup's sorrow and the rain. The other demons, numbering in the hundreds, nodded in approval, the child would grow to be a powerful Lord.
Nishi paced down the halls of his den. The lord was tall and lean with a masculine and elegant face. A grand, thick pelt lay across his shoulders and trailed down his back to the floor where it ended in twin tails. This was his cloud tail, the fluffy ruff and trailing tail that marked all inu youkai who could control the skies. His silver-white hair flowed in thick unruly tresses when unbound to his knees; his eyes were neither narrow nor wide; yet warm with narrow, elegant black brows. The lord was handsome and elegant, full of masculine grace. Tonight though, he pondered the dilemma of his son. Truly the boy had strength, for he had withstood the loss of his mother, the ceremony of Passing and the banquet in her honor that had lasted late into the evening, but the moment he had been dismissed, the scent of tears had begun to fill the den, as had the rumors that the boy was actually weak under the ice-hard façade.
Sesshoumaru, on the other hand had inherited his mother's lithe build and elegance, he was slender, almost feminine in the eyes of his people, yet underneath the porcelain exterior the young demon was as strong as his father and swift as his mother. The boy would become a terrifying opponent when he became older. The other nobles had yet to truly recognize his strength, only the most blatant of his traits were noticed by the lesser lords.
Nishi continued to pace as he shook his head to expel the odor of salty tears; they were a sign of weakness, and it had to stop. Yet he could only keep pacing, Sesshoumaru had a kind heart, and the blow of losing his mother would take a while to overcome. Nishi waited in the main hall, pacing until night had fallen deeply over the mountains that housed the massive underground den, then he crept to his son's door and listened to the even heartbeat and deep breaths of sleep and shook his head once again. Tomorrow Sesshoumaru would be punished for allowing his weaknesses to permeate the den; it was the only way to ensure a strong leader for the future, and erase the rumors of the present.
Sesshoumaru sighed and looked up at the ceiling; he had learned long ago how to feign sleep to the point of fooling his father. It had started out as a game; his mother would tuck him in and say that she would watch the stars before retiring for the night. He knew it was an invitation to learn the old stories of their ancestors frozen in the heavens, stories that Lord Nishi presumed his son to be too young to understand. Dokutsume had known better, and so after being tucked in by his mother, Sesshoumaru slipped into a trance and appeared to sleep. His breaths slowing and evening, his ears sharpening with each passing heartbeat until he could hear his father's heartbeat on the opposite side of the underground palace, then his father would make his rounds, relying only on ears and nose to detect intruders and any misdeeds from his precocious son.
As soon as his father returned to the other side of the palace, Sesshoumaru stood and headed out to the black velvet expanse of twilight sky that glowed over the mountain den. In the high branches of a tall camphor tree he sat, back against the trunk, legs crossed at the ankle as he stared up through the bows to the shimmering stars above. This was the tree his mother loved; its wide branch dwarfed the tiny child-demon, and now felt empty. Without his mother behind him, where he used to sit in her lap, the night felt cavernous and void, that if he closed his eyes and blocked out the pale light of the stars, he would be swallowed, never to be seen again, lost in a world where no one would see him and where his cries would remain unheard. The thought made him shudder; to be utterly alone with no one around was even the greatest of dog demon's worst fear.
In a flash of brilliance, a shooting star flashed across the sky, momentarily blinding the boy. Yet even through his shattered heart and tearing eyes, he smiled. "Mother, remember me, I shall pray for our reunion, when the demons of death and sleep have borne this Sesshoumaru from the mortal realm."
"It is said that in times immortal, when the races of demons had not yet split, when all lived within the earth, we could live for eternity and never age. Yet then, as it is now, a demon could be killed. And when a demon's spirit left the world to the realm of the gods, it flew as a shooting star across the night sky, one that flew under clouds and disappeared into the darkened vault." Dokutsume told her son as he sat in her lap and leaned into her embrace, seeking shelter from the cool darkness of the night.
Dokutsume's long, ankle length hair cascaded freely down her back to hang below their branch like white moss that grew too thickly. Her golden-amber eyes were always wide with the wonder of the stars. Long thick eyelashes and thin sculpted black eyebrows intensified eyes that were deceptively innocent, especially in battle.
Sesshoumaru stared wide eyed up and over his shoulder at his mother. "Ofukuro, I saw many shooting stars last night!" He exclaimed with awe and silently wondered at her inward flinch.
"You are growing so fast, my son. The stars you saw streak across the sky were from our enemies to the east. They invaded our borders and many died." The lady replied darkly, still furious that her favorite kimono had been shredded in the battle.
"Sesshoumaru, you have a special sight. You can see what others will not. Keep your eyes open, and your nose keen. Trust in what they tell you, and you will be strong. Ignore them and you will die." Dokutsume smiled a carnivore's smile at her son, he understood.
The moisture that hit his hand pulled Sesshoumaru out of his memories. If he allowed his weakness of tears to show anymore, he would be seen as unfit to be heir, and there would be a new mate forced upon his father, or worse, Sesshoumaru shuddered at the notion, one of his uncles would be chosen over him. A quavering growl escaped the tiny, delicate throat as a squeak that could only be described as adorable. Young Sesshoumaru was in the middle of his 'cute' stage and would not start to really grow fast for another three decades.
Wide golden eyes stared up at the night sky, thin elegant brows drawn together in suppressed sorrow. The boy's hair hung as his mother's once had, trailing down past his seat on the branch, hanging like over long moss. The young lord was a perfect blend of mother and father, yet still was a child, sad and confused over the loss of his beloved mother. A yawn escaped the narrow frame and forced the child demon to leave his beloved perch for the cool darkness of the den and his bed.
Before re-entering the den Sesshoumaru glanced once more at the shimmering stars and smiled sadly. 'Upon the soul that rests within this Sesshoumaru, I so swear that I will surpass the skills of both you and father with both the sword and the weapons the Gods graced us with at birth and make you both stand in awe of the leader I will one day become.' The little heart swelled within his breast as he imagined his mother beaming down on him from the sky as he swore to fulfill the dreams they had set for him from the day of his birth.
In the trees behind him, a lone guard sat in a silent battle with himself, whether to tell the Lord Nishi that his son had been sneaking out of the den at nights for the past decade unaided, or to let the young Lord do as he would, unhindered by his father's decrees. The guard's fondness of the future Lord won out and he returned to his post with the silent prayer that Lord Nishi would not be too angry with him once he discovered his son's nocturnal activities.
Lord Nishi growled in annoyance, why did things always go wrong on important days? In the ten years that had passed since Dokutsume's death, their son had surpassed twenty of the best sword masters in the Western Lands alone; today made twenty-one. The taiyoukai was at his wits end, Sesshoumaru could easily beat some of the generals now and it wouldn't be long before he was challenging his aunt and uncles.
Yes, Nishi was extremely proud of his son, who was well on his way to becoming an extremely skilled warrior. Especially since Sesshoumaru had a natural talent that bordered on genius for swordsmanship, and he was of a ruthless nature. Nishi shone with pride for his son's accomplishments and skills, yet, today was a very special day for the Shiro-Inu tribe and for the Western Lands. Today marked the first inter racial treaty in over three thousand years. Today, the western Shiro-Inu tribe under Lord Nishi would ally themselves with the Southern human-type youkai under Lord Gintsuki. The two lords had never been enemies but had always stayed well away from each other's lands, and now with the growing threat that was the Dragon, Ryuukotsusei, they had agreed to aid each other in the common goal of defeating the voracious armies of the Dragon Lord.
The Great Dragon was constantly encroaching on the lands to the west and south. To stop his encroachment this treaty had to go through. To ensure the success of their treaty, they would trade something dear to them. For Nishi, it was his sister, Hyouden, she was a constant thorn in his side and putting her as far away from him was worth a treaty.
Nishi pushed thoughts of the treaty and his sister's future aside and began the morning court, sending an aide to find a suitable sword master who could continue the young lord's training. If the boy was not constantly tried and pushed, he would become arrogant and unruly. Then they would chance having a dictator for the next lord, and with the war fever that raced through the Shiro-Inu tribe, such a ruler could make them into a falsely labeled unstoppable horde of destruction that would fall taking the whole clan and all the sub-tribes with it. Nishi could not allow such an event to occur, the war hungry demons would scour across the land devouring lesser youkai and all ningen in their path before falling into the depths of oblivion. The thought made him cringe on the inside, Nishi enjoyed human company, the creatures were lowly and simple, yet they held a charming innocence of the world. For his love of the humans, Nishi had to keep his son in line and in check. For the love of his people, a new weapons master was required to continue the boy's training.
Nishi sighed, from the line of vassals bearing complaints and concerns for the ongoing war; it was going to be a very long day.
Jigokuyari trembled in anticipation. His father was taking him, the youngest on an important meeting with the great Shiro-Inu Tai Youkai, Lord Nishi. All of Jigo's brothers and sisters were very jealous. It should have been one of the eldest to go with the lord and the heir, not the tenth child, but Jigo was not complaining. He had been left to stay at the castle, learning with tutors and weapons masters for long enough. He was twenty years old and didn't even have one kill under his belt. It was maddening for the child demon.
As the royal procession left the palace, the young Jigo remained blissfully unaware of the many sniggers that passed between his elder brothers and sisters behind their hands, neither did he notice that the glares of envy he had been receiving were all false. Of the entire family, only the homely Lady of the Southern Lands openly wept. Her youngest son was leaving the castle to embark upon a trip he was not prepared for, with a length he had no endurance for. The short, pale faced lady wept into her long sleeve, unmindful of the makeup that smeared and streaked the expensive silk. Her baby was leaving, and soon he would have a very unpleasant surprise.
Sesshoumaru paced the breadth of his quarters. He was fretting. This morning at weapons practice, he had bested his latest master. When his father had been informed of his latest accomplishment, Nishi growled and glared at him. Sesshoumaru hung his head, normally the Lord was pleased when he bested a master and proved himself the master's better, but this time he had somehow angered his father.
In the corner, his aunt knelt as she watched over her brother's heir. She loved the boy with all of her heart, yet he filled her heart with a chill. The boy had Nishi's eyes framed in Dokutsume's face. He had his father's ferocity and skill with sword, claws and fangs and his mother's skill with poison claws, venom whip and sword dancing. Hyouden gazed at her nephew, as she always did and compared him to his parents. It was if the very gods had touched the boy, making him a perfect demon to bless his parents and the Shiro-Inu clan.
Sesshoumaru sighed, a tiny huff filled with worry. His mother had died nearly ten years ago, yet for a demon it was as if only two years had passed, and after angering his father this morning he was contemplating what the Lord would punish him with. That thought was at the top of his worries, especially since word had just come from Lord Nishi that he had something special in store for his son. The air within the den suddenly went tense causing all of the inhabitants within to freeze momentarily in their tracks; it was time for the 'surprise'.
A rap upon his door made Sesshoumaru start, Ketsuga, his youngest uncle and commanding general of the Western Lands entered, bearing news for the young lord. Ketsuga was the only member of the royal family to keep their hair short. His bangs were cut well above his eyebrows and side locks only reached to his jaw. The rest of his hair stayed in a high ponytail that barely touched his shoulders.
"Nephew, your father requests your presence in the great hall. You are to wear your armor and weapon." The blocky general gave his brother's son a roguish smirk, "and, he said for you to 'look presentable.'"
Sesshoumaru shuddered, so this was his punishment. After angering his father he was now to be put on display, sparring with other young Shiro-Inu whelps of lesser families. Children of lesser Lords, most of them older, just for his father to flaunt what a fine son he had sired. Sesshoumaru shook off his misgivings and quickly groomed, then donned his armor and slid his sword in to his belt.
Sesshoumaru strode proudly and silently down the long tatami floored hall that led from the eastern wing of the palace, where he was quartered, to the main hall. On either side he was flanked by Hyouden and Ketsuga, his aunt and uncle sharing secretive glances as they silently bet on what the heir's punishment would be.