This Sucks: A Tale of Woe
By Fear Azrael
MTV owns Daria and everything else in sight. But that's only because I'm sitting here in the shadow of their offices in New York. Lucky me. I haven't bothered to see the movie or season four, so I killed Tom and hid him under my bed.
Daria and Jane sit on Jane's bed, side-by-side, watching the telly intently. On-screen is a shot of Lawndale High.
Announcer: A normal high-school, in a normal suburban town. Just an average day in the fall of 2000. Or so the denizens of this building thought.
A shot of large mutant slugs crawling all over everything is shown. Students are screaming and stomping on them, as the slugs eat all the paper in sight.
Announcer: No more school for these kids. The Carter County School District is short a few highschools. So the only option for their poor parents is the nightmare we call.... HOMESCHOOLING!!!
Daria: Whoa.
Jane: Ditto.
Jesse: Yeah.
Trent: Mutant Paper-Eating Slugs. Good-er, bad name for a band.
Daria and Jane turn, they didn't notice they were there. Daria hits the mute button.
Daria: Hey, Trent.
Jane: Hey, honey. C'mon over here and gimme some lovin!
Jesse runs on over, pins her on the bed, and they start to make out heavily.
Daria: Get a room.
Jane: We have one.
Trent: We had it first, Janey.
The two love birds continue until they notice Daria and Trent staring at them.
Jane: Stop staring at us!
Daria: No.
Jane: Fine. Jesse, that's enough.
They sit up. Daria un-mutes the TV.
Announcer: What do YOU think of this, Ms. Li?
Ms. Li: It's horrible. Absolutely horrible. Now the money to be spent on air-conditioners for my off- the classrooms, has to be spent on rebuilding the crud- er, dessimated school building. I'm in shock at the detrimental effect this will have on, Laaawnndaaalle Hiiiigh.
Announcer: Yeeeesssss, and you, sir, what do you think?
The announcer has turned to Mr. O'Neill. He bursts into tears and runs off. Daria hits the power button and stands up.
Daria: Well, at least we were planning on skipping school today, anyway.
Jesse: Yeah. Cool.
Jane: Jesse, you don't even go to our school.
Jesse: Oh yeah, huh. I forgot.
Jane: Argh! Can't you even keep a simple thought in...
Their argument fades as Daria hugs Trent and walks out.
Daria walks into her living room, where Quinn is sitting on the couch. Helen and Jake stand by her, looking stressed.
Quinn: This SUCKS.
Helen: How many times have I told you not to use that- yes. Yes it does. I don't have time to homeschool you two, and your father... Well your father wasn't a very good student, so...
The phone rings. Daria picks it up.
Daria: (dry; kinda pissed) Morgendorffer residence.
Andrew Landon: Hey, Daria, can I speak to your fath- mother?
Daria: Sure. Mom? Phone.
Helen picks it up on her cordless.
Helen: Helloooo? Oh, hi, Andrew. Yes. Really? Interesting. Ingenious! I LOVE IT! I'll send them over RIGHT AWAY!
She hangs up, an excited look on her face.
Helen: Girls, guess what?! Michelle sat down thinking about this homeschooling thing and she decided that since she DOES have a degree in English, we should send you two over there. She's already called Jane, Mack, and a couple of other students, and she figures she can handle two grades, so go on over, you two.
Quinn/Daria: Great.
They stand and head out to the Landons.
Quinn: This has to be your fault. You did SOMETHING to make those slugs mutanate, I know it.
Daria: That's mutate, Quinn.
Quinn: Aha! That PROVES you're guilty.
Daria: Remind me never to try and teach you something even mildly usefull ever again.
Quinn: (oblivious) Whatever.
They arrive at the Landons. The door is open, and a sign says "Come on in," So they do. They follow the signs to the basement, and walk down the stairs. Sitting around the basement is Jane, Jodie, Mack, Kevin, Brittany, Upchuck, Andrea, Tori, Brook, Sandi, Stacy, Tiffany, and Rachel. Daria and Quinn sigh.
Daria: This is gonna be a loooong week.
Montage to Leave Them Kids Alone by whoever the hell sung it.
The kids sitting around the basement chatting. Michelle comes in and tries to get their attention. It doesn't work.
Michelle blowing a whistle. Everyone but Daria cringes. Daria half-smiles at Michelle's puzzled look and takes out an airhorn, puts it by her ear, and presses the button. The kids yelp. She remains stoic.
Michelle points to a map and says something, then points at Brittany. Brittany says something back and Michelle hangs her head.
Michelle calling on Jane to answer a very complicated math problem on the board. Jane looks daunted and says something to Michelle, who goes wide-eyed and points to Jodie, who does the problem correctly.
Michelle with the kids in the back yard. The three guys are playing horse. The girls are being forced to cheer. Michelle is looking at a gym curriculum sheet. She gets an evil smirk on her face and blows the whistle.
The girls are playing tennis while the boys are in shorts and tank tops, with pom-poms, cheering. Daria and Jane smirk evilly.
End Montage.
The front of Lawndale High has a banner that says Welcome Back, Students. There are kids heading towards the school like normal. Daria and Jane are amongst them.
Daria: That sucked.
Jane: It wasn't so bad.
Daria: Okay, it HALF sucked.
Jane can I make you more optimistic?
Daria: Don't even bother to try, you Subvert.
Upchuck: Did I hear you call my name?
Daria: I said subvert, not pervert.
Jane smirks and they head inside.
In the classroom, each desk has a dry erase board on it. The students are in the classrooms, and Ms. Li is on the intercom.
Ms. Li: You may have noticed the dry erase boards on your desks. These are simply to ensure that no more slugs eat paper with MILDLY toxic chemicals and mutate, only to eat more paper. Thankyou very much, and commence learning!
At the end of the day, all the students are walking home or something with smudges on their arms.
Daria: I reiterate. This sucks.
Jane: ... Yeah.
The End.
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I'd like to thank the slugs. They made this possible.