Title: Blame (1/1)
Rating: G
Disclaimer: Don't own any of the characters mentioned herein, and make no profit or implications.
Distribution: My livejournal, my site and ffn
Summary: From Lita's POV, her thoughts about what is happening now
Author's notes: Yet another fic inspired by the whole miscarriage storyline. Follows on from Bad Decision broadly, but can stand alone.
It wasn't his fault. He keeps saying that, it wasn't his fault.
I was trying to stop Kane beating him. I was trying to help. I was sick of it. I was sick of the pain, the violence, the recriminations, the arguments... I was sick of living in fear. I was scared of what Kane did to me, I was scared of never feeling Matt's arms around me again, I was scared of what Kane would do to our child. Kane was evil... I was certain of that, and I just wanted to get away. I wanted to make his life as miserable as he made mine.
I wanted Kane to hate me, I wanted to get away, I needed to get away. What else could I do but try to ruin his career? I rejoiced when he lost a match, cheered every blow an opponent scored on him. I could never make him suffer like he made me suffer, but I could do my bit. I could never get away from him... he controlled me and frightened me. I'm not easily scared, I've been through too much for that, but him... it was something about his eyes, his demeanour, that just sent shivers and fear down my spine. I just prayed that he'd get sick of me, get angry and do something that I could use to get a divorce, something like that. I never thought that I'd end up cheering him on.
I never thought that my son would suffer because of it. That the one innocent in all of this would be hurt.
I hadn't realised the extent to which I misjudged my husband. I never thought that he had such a capacity for love. I know he never loved me. I was just the mother of his child. That's all I ever was. A womb. But I never thought that he could love our child. I thought... I thought that he hated the child as much as he hated me. I thought that he wanted the child to grow up in his own warped image. I thought that he was looking for a mirror image of himself, to create a being as hurt and damaged as he was.
I assumed an awful lot about him. And... after they told us the baby was dead, I found out the truth.
All he wanted was for his son to have everything he didn't. All he wanted was for his child to be loved and be capable of love. To be nurtured and safe. To be everything he wasn't. All he wanted was for the chance to achieve something good. To be loved and respected, and wanted unconditionally. You know, it's kind of funny, teenage mothers are said to use the same logic. All they want is unconditional love, and they seek that in their child. That was all Kane ever wanted. He went about it the wrong way, just as teenage mothers do, but his motives were not what I thought they were. I hadn't really thought about how he grew up, about how that affected him. I just saw the surface, just like everyone else. I'll never forgive him for hurting Matt the way he did. I understand him now though.
I thought he wanted to punish me. I was wrong. I was wrong in a lot of ways about him.
He's actually a gentle person. I know he doesn't love me, but he does care. He just doesn't know how to show it. He grew up with violence and anger and control and he doesn't realise that you can't treat people like that. There are moments though, that his true nature comes through. And he's a good guy, underneath it all. And my god, I never thought I'd say that.
It was after we learned that we lost the baby that I discovered the other side to him. Our son was dead, but I still had to give birth to him... and he stayed with me and held my hand. He was grieving as much as I was, but for that time he put my own feelings before his, and he stayed with me.
That side doesn't appear very often, but I know it's there now. It gives me hope that one day we can get past this. I'm seeing that side of him more often now... he doesn't make me stay with him, at night, and he doesn't raise his voice... I think he realises his mistakes.
That man though, he keeps saying it's not his fault.
I don't blame Kane. He fell on me. It was an accident.
I was trying to help him. I was trying to stop the pain.
It wasn't my fault. He said I shouldn't have been in the ring.
It was his fault. I was trying to help him.
It had to be his fault. I've no one left to blame.
The only person left... is me.
And if I'm to blame for the death of my child... I can't think that. That, it would be too much to bear.