by weiss kittyn . song is Memorial Address by Hamasaki Ayumi.
Disclaimer: None of these characters belong to me, and I'm not making any money off this fic.
"spoken
words" (obviously)
(inner thoughts)
Gaignun and Jr. speaking telepathically
Song Lyrics-----------------
Gaignun Kukai, Director of the Kukai Foundation, was sick. Very sick. But he was also very good at hiding it, and no one had a clue. Jr, who, despite appearances, was his best friend, and also on occasion lover. Gaignun knew the depth of the feelings he felt for the younger-looking U.R.T.V. ran from loyalty to deep love, and it hurt him deeply to have to do this. But he knew he must...
Jr never suspected a thing. As far as he knew, they were going to keep on living together, and loving together, outwardly pretending to be father and son, but behind closed doors the masks came off. He admitted to himself that he was in love with Gaignun, and was planning on using tomorrow's 'date' to tell the man.
I fell asleep that night, my heart full of unease
I remember dreaming a sad, sad dream
That morning, the telephone's ring broke the silence
My premonition had become real
Leaving the scars that will never disappear from my heart
You vanished alone to become a star
That night, Jr had a strange dream. In it, Gaignun said goodbye, and took off in a small ship, by himself. When he woke up, it was gone. He spent the day looking forward to that night, and the day, naturally, dragged on as slowly as it could. Finally, that night arrived. Jr tried his hardest to look good, and met Gaignun in their private rooms. Everything seemed a little different. The music was softer. The lights were dimmer. The food laid out wasn't overly extravagant, but there was definitely something odd about it. Maybe it was just the candles on the table, and the flickering light cast something different on the food. Gaignun appeared in the far doorway, looking sexy. He grinned, and offered Jr a seat. They ate in companionable silence, and when they were done, the plates pushed away, they simply cuddled together. Jr loved these moments, when nothing was said, nothing needed to be said, and nothing was.
Gaignun always initiated the things they did together, and that night was no exception. He started kissing Jr, his passion making its way to the forefront. Jr kissed him back with just as much desire. His body was younger, but his mind was not. Gaignun was mildly surprised when he felt Jr's hands roaming down his body, and, not to be outdone, he began caressing the boy under him, too. Jr sighed contented into his mouth.
Neither of them knew precisely when it happened, or even who started it, but before long, they were naked, skin pressed against skin, fingers questing, lips roaming. Gasps and pants of pleasure as sweet spots were found and touched, again and again. Jr was good, but Gaignun was masterful. He brought Jr to his peak time after time, never allowing him release. The necessary actions were taken, and Gaignun entered Jr slowly. The moans ripped from his throat weren't from pain, though, but from total, overpowering pleasure. There hadn't been pain for a long time, something they were both glad for. It made it that much sweeter.
They both cried out softly with their release. Jr fell asleep almost immediately, his mind complete and his body satiated, but Gaignun lay there for a long time afterward, sleep finally claiming him in the dark hours of the morning.
So this is goodbye - you've gone to a place where I'll never see you again
I still can't even accept the chill of parting forever
I wanted you to tell me, I didn't care if it was a lie
That you definitely loved me
Just once is all I ask.
When Jr woke up that morning, Gaignun was gone. That was his first clue that something was amiss. Gaignun never left him before he woke up. He was always there beside him, to cuddle, asking if he was hurt. Jr had hoped to use that time to tell Gaignun of his feelings. He got out of bed, and searched their entire compartment. There was no sign of him anywhere.
"Nigredo! Where did you go?" His voice echoed strangely in the empty halls. Going back into the bedroom, he discovered something he had missed the first time. The vidscreen was blinking. He pushed the button, and a three-dimensional holographic image of Gaignun appeared on the table.
"Rubedo, dear heart... It pains me to tell you this, but... I'm dying." He paused, and Jr felt tears spring to his eyes.
"no..."
"About six months ago, I contracted a sickness. It is incurable. These past few weeks have weighed heavily on me. I can feel my body dying around me, even now. My only regret is I never told you what you mean to me. I love you, Rubedo."
Tears were streaming down his face. "please no, Gaignun...please! I love you to! please,,,"
"I don't wish to—" here, Gaignun coughed harshly, spasms wracking his body. Jr realized how long he'd been hiding it. When he straightened again, his face looked paler than ever. There was blood at the corner of his mouth, and he was wiping his hands on a towel. Red streaks were left behind on the soft white fabric. "I don't wish to leave you with my burdens, but I fear I cannot hold onto this life much longer. Thus, I pass Directorship of the Kukai Foundation to you. I know you can handle it. You're strong. The paperwork has already been taken care of, and Mary and Shelley are aware. They will help you." His eyes softened, and Jr noticed that he too, was crying. "I'm taking a ship, and launching it into the deep recesses of space to die. I didn't want anyone there... I don't think it will be a pretty thing." He smiled, and for a moment, Jr thought he could have been right there in the room. The illusion was ruined when another coughing fit overtook him, knocking him to his knees. "Rubedo, I'm sorry. I can never apologize to you enough. Had I lived, I would have gladly spent my life by your side, loving you. For I do... I love you more than this ebbing life itself. You are...everything dear to me. Please take care of yourself. And also Mary and Shelley, and the rest of the Foundation. They need you now. Farewell, Rubedo. I love you..."
The sadness that probably will never end closes the curtain
The cold of the changing season penetrates my body like a knife, but
The image cut off. Jr sank to the floor, sobs wracking his body. "Why didn't you tell me!? We could have found a cure! We could have..."
There was a knock on the door, and Shelley let herself in. "Little Master, have you seen Master Gaignun? Little Master!?" She dropped to his side. "What's wrong?!"
Jr sat up, refusing her touches. "He's gone, Shelley. And he's never coming back." She too, broke down crying.
That was a summer day that I will never forget
The sky kept crying, because I couldn't
After all, it was so much like the dream I had
Even now, I still can't manage to let the tears out
The entire Foundation took news of Gaignun's death extremely hard. The beach on the Durandal, where the two had spent quite a lot of their time was no longer sunny and warm, but thunderclouds rained misery down. Jr couldn't bring himself to cry again. The mind-numbing knowledge of what happened kept any emotion from him. He was angry, and determined, though, and spoke to everyone who might have known about Gaignun's condition, and even a few who didn't. It was the result of a space virus, one previously thought incurable, but as soon as Gaignun contracted it, the search for a cure was immediately begun. The scientific team at the Foundation was only days away from a breakthrough. Jr took them, as well as all their equipment, on board the Durandal, and took off after Gaignun.
So this is goodbye - even your final words cannot reach me
Making me feel how much parting forever hurts
I wanted you to tell me, I didn't care if it was a lie
That you never regretted the days we spent together
Just once is all I ask
He had no idea where Gaignun may have gone, but he sent out messages to every planet, ship, and person that if he was found, they were to keep him, and inform the Durandal immediately. Nothing turned up anywhere. Every day brought Gaignun closer to death, and Jr was at his wits end. The bright spot in the dark galaxy was the team of doctors Jr had rounded up had found the cure. They were sure without a doubt, that no matter how far the infection had spread, if he were to take it, he would live. Jr redoubled his efforts.
He hardly slept anymore, and didn't eat. His free time, the time when he wasn't ordering his crew to search longer, harder and faster, was spent remembering the last night they'd spent together. Now it all made perfect sense, in retrospect. The special music, lighting...The tenderness in his lovemaking... Gaignun had known he was going to his death the next morning. Jr cursed him.
Please tell me why, until the very end
All you left behind for me was memories
Sometime during the night, when everyone but the skeleton crew and Jr were asleep, alarms started going off. Lights flashed, horns blared, and suddenly the ship was teeming with life. Jr was up and running before he even knew what it was about.
Shelley turned around. "We've recovered a small vessel with the Kukai Foundation logo on the side...Jr.... It could be him!"
Jr had barely skidded to a stop in the cabin, when he was back out and sprinting for the cargo hold.
Ship hands were prying open the doors of the small spacecraft. Jr was right next to them, and as soon as the hatch doors were opened, he launched himself into the tiny ship. Blood was smeared across the walls, and floors. There was broken glass on the floor, apparently when something was being held, and dropped. Jr burst into the sleeping quarters. Gaignun lay sprawled across the bed, a picture clutched lovingly in his hand. There were bloodstains on his mouth and hands, and he was in obvious pain. But, he was still breathing, and that was all that mattered to Jr.
"IN HERE!" He screamed, and knelt down next to Gaignun. The empty frame was lying on the mattress next to him, and Jr roughly shoved it out of the way. The back of his mind noted that the glass must have come from the picture frame.
Gaignun turned his head, his eyes open but unfocused. "Jr....i'm dreaming again.... Good dream...." He drew in a shuddering breath. Jr's eyes watered. He took the picture before the medical officers carried a stretcher into the room. Gaignun's eyes closed, and Jr looked at the faded, worn photograph in his hands. It was an image of him, at the controls of the Durandal. He never even knew it'd been taken. It was bent on one corner, and there was blood streaked across it, from where Gaignun's blood-streaked fingers had caressed it tenderly. Jr couldn't hold it in any longer. He broke down and sobbed.
So this is goodbye - you've gone to a place where I'll never see you again
I still can't even accept the chill of parting forever
I wanted you to tell me, I didn't care if it was a lie
That you definitely loved me
Just once is all I ask
Gaignun was back on the Durandal, but he couldn't tell whether it was reality or a dream. Finally, he decided it must have been a nightmare. Jr was nowhere to be seen. He could feel his body weakening. He knew that he only had a few hours left, and even if this were a dream, he wanted to be able to Jr one last time. His picture had even disappeared. Doctors were in and out of the room, looking at him, prodding him, and poking him with needles, and god only knew what else. He suddenly felt tired. His desire to see Jr was overwhelming.
Jr! ...Rubedo.... please ..... come here.... he called out, using his telepathic connection. Within seconds, the familiar red-head was bursting through the door.
Gaignun smiled. "ru....be....do....." Jr's tears were dripping down his face.
YOU IDIOT! How could you DO that to me! He launched himself at his lover, smothering him with kisses. They've found a cure, you idiot! Stupid head! They've got a cure...You're not going to die!
Gaignun's smile, if it were possible, got wider. I.. I'm glad....I love you, you know...Now...I'm tired....I'm...sorry.... He slipped into a deep slumber. Jr brought it to the attention of the doctors, who reassured him that it was perfectly normal. He would be sleeping a lot, they said, as his body used the cure to fight off the infection that had gripped him for so long. Relieved, Jr curled up next to him, and slept, not caring WHO found out about them now.
This is all a bad dream,
And I have yet to wake - please, tell me so
This will all be just a bad dream, soon, Gaignun. Just a bad dream...
owari
so what do you think? It was my first Xenosaga fic, featuring my second favorite pairing. (my first is Tony and Chaos, the third is KOS-MOS and Shion.) Please R&R. comments welcome. Flames will be used to burn Jr and MOMO fics.