My friends and family all know that something is wrong. They've noticed how much quieter I've gotten on stage, the bagginess of my clothes, and the long bangs hiding my face. My mother frequently calls me wanting to know how I'm feeling, asking questions that I know for a fact she will psychoanalyze later on. I understand that she loves me and all she wants to do is find out what's wrong so she can help, but this is something that her plus 10 years of counseling experience will not be able to fix. But what she does tell me every time I see her is how insecure I've become. I never talk about how I'm feeling to my mother anymore, but studying and analyzing appearances to conclude someone's character is part of what she does in her job. It would be an insult to my mom's intelligence to lie so all I do when she confronts me about my insecurity is just quietly reply, "I just have some stuff that I need to figure out."
My fans have also noticed the changes in my demeanor, and they have page after page after page of reasons posted online of why I would have changed so abruptly. From their limited knowledge, most of them blame Emy Storey, my ex wife. What they don't realize was that she's one of my closest friends, and I happily hooked her up with Kate Cooper of the band An Horse after our relationship ended. No no no, this change that happened with me is far more complicated that the end of a 5 year relationship. No, this far surpassed that breakup; hell this would probably surpass me getting pregnant. This is saying a lot seeing that I've dated women since the age of 14 and I am almost turning thirty. Well, I'll tell you the reason; I've got nothing to lose in telling you. The reason that I've changed so drastically in the last couple of months is because I am so deeply, madly in fucking love with the most amazing woman out there. But I can't have her. She is so out of my league, this girl is forbidden to touch and it's hurting me more and more every day. Her name is –
My notebook is torn from my hands, and startled, I look up to see who it was. My eyes widen and I shoot up from my position on the couch in the hotel room while ripping the buds connected to my iPod from my ears. I extend my hand towards her and state, "Please give me back my notebook."
She smirks. "Why, what do you have in here?"
"None of your business, now please hand me the notebook." I reply tersely. That notebook is filled with my most private thoughts, things I tell no one. Things she must not know about.
She grins and begins to saunter away with my notebook in hand, and replies "what if I don't want to give it back?"
Something inside me snaps, and I grab her roughly from her shoulders and slam her into the wall. She hits the wall with a loud thud, her face a mere inches from mine no longer sporting a confident grin, but a scared and confused look instead.
"I'm not going to ask again," I growl, my hazel eyes burning deeply into her own.
Without a word, she hands me the black spiral notebook, and I release her. I sit on my hotel bed with my head in my hands and the notebook on my lap.
"You need to get your shit figured out, you're hurting a lot of people whether you realize it or not. I'm going to go downstairs to the diner and get some dinner….you can come join me after you calm down." I don't look up as my forbidden love walks out.
After a few seconds pass by, I release a shaky breath and pick up my pen and notebook.
She is so out of my league, this girl is forbidden to touch and it's hurting me more and more every day. Her name is Tegan Rain Quin. My name is Sara Kiersten Quin, and I am in love with my sister.
I stare at the last sentence for who knows how long. Thinking of what we could have been had we not been sisters. What we could have had. What we won't have. I snap the notebook shut, set it on the bed and walk out of my hotel room.