"He needs you, that's very me." Rose remembered his words while staring at her new Doctor. He looked the same, he mostly talked the same, and for some reason he felt the same when he held her hand.
But there was something different about him. He wasn't as jumpy as she had remembered, in fact he seemed depressed almost especially in the first month. Her father tried to tell her that it was normal and all she could do was try to help him. But how could she do that when some days he barely even spoke a word to her?
That was another thing, when he wasn't staring out his bedroom window, he was staring at her. But the looks were different though, when he looked up at the sky it was like he missed it, but when he looked at Rose it was like he was still trying to make sure she wasn't going to disappear.
Tony had grown fond of him, really. And Rose was thankful for the little smiles and tiny beams in his eyes that her little brother brought to her Doctor. But on the start of the second month when Tony came into her room asking if the Doctor hated it here, was the day she snapped.
She let him sulk around her family's mansion, she even let him ignore her, but as soon as he started to make precious little Tony feel like he was doing something wrong, that was the line.
But the problem was, he didn't want to do any of it. He would have been thrilled if just her hand in his made him smile again, or he could reassure her with a kiss to her forehead, or even if the adventures of Tony's Toy Tardis made him laugh. But he just didn't know how to make himself feel that way again.
Normally he would take his Tardis to some odd planet and stand there looking up at the sky, but now he couldn't even do that. But the looks that Rose gave him hurt him more than being stuck on Earth suffocated him or the headache he got from not being able to feel the Earth turning beneath his feet.
He didn't want to lose her, but he didn't want her to feel guilty for all these thoughts that ran through his head. So when she came storming into his bedroom her finger pointed out accusingly with a loud slam of his door, he would have been lying if he said he wasn't expecting it.
"How dare you?" She screamed.
"Rose-" He hadn't really done anything, but then again that was the problem.
"You can walk around this house acting like a zombie, you can refuse to eat my mother's cooking, you can even ignore me. But my little brother should not have to feel like he's the problem just because you're sullen." Rose shouted, there were the little beginnings of tears forming in the corner of her eyes.
"I didn't-" He didn't know what to say.
"What?" Rose asked.
"I didn't ask for any of this." He looked her in the eyes for the first time, staring back at her with all of this pent up emotion that would be fine if he had two hearts to balance it out, but of course that was another thing he didn't have anymore.
"Any of what?" Rose asked, crossing her arms over her chest.
"I didn't ask for any of it. I didn't ask for him to leave you on that beach." He said, waving his finger in the air at her.
"I didn't ask for your family to take me in. I didn't ask for your mother tear herself apart for me, and I didn't ask for your little brother to feel bad for me." He said, poking her in the shoulder accusingly. Rose watched him with wide eyes as the emotion spilled out of him like downpour.
"I didn't ask to feel like I'd be more useful if I was dead." He whispered, watching as her expression changed from pitied to angry. How dare he act like he was the only one hurting?
"What about me? After years of other planets, hopping dimensions, you know how many times I've risked my life? And I'm dropped off with you like 'Thanks for playing." She was shouting now, thank god the door was closed or else Tony may have come in worried.
"I didn't ask to be a consolation prize." He shouted in return.
"I didn't ask for one." Rose shouted in reply.
"You think I don't know that?" He asked.
"I think you don't know how it feels to stand here and watch you sulk around, and not being able to help you." She said, the tears falling down her face.
"And I think you don't know how it feels to feel nothing. To want so bad to be happy because it would make the people you care about happy, but you just can't. I just can't anymore." He said.
He pushed past her but she reached out for him grabbing his hand. His eyes held tears, and as he looked down at their hands a tear dropped onto his, the one that he was made from. He looked up at her, his dark chocolate eyes so empty. "I didn't even ask to be created."
He waited for her to react and then as they stared at each other, she let out a sob and he fell to his knees. She reached down for him, but he tried to move from her. He was trembling, tears in his eyes, and she couldn't do anything but reach for him.
"It hurts." He cried, pulling his hands up to pull at his ears. His head pounded like a hammer was knocking into him repeatedly and his heart, his singular heart ached like someone reached in and took out a big chunk of him.
"Doctor. Doctor please." Rose pleaded, trying to get closer to him, but he was still backing away from her. When his back hit the door he looked up at her staring at her and then his voice lowered.
"It hurts." He said and she jumped for him. She wrapped her arms around him clutching him closer to her chest, as if she pulled him close enough it wouldn't hurt as much. Neither paid attention to the boy outside the door listening while his parents were watching them via Torchwood security technology.
"I know. I know." She mumbled running her hands through his hair when he pulled away from her again. He was looking at her, shaking his head, and she tried to reach for him again but he wouldn't let her.
"No, because when you humans hurt you sleep it off or you take medicine. But it won't help me. I had the whole universe, I had everything that ever existed or would exist in the palm of my hands. But now I can't even control the thoughts that go through my head and that hurts." He cried.
"I used to have the sound of the Tardis humming in my ear, the feeling of the Earth spinning underneath my feet, all of time and space coursed through my veins, and it's all gone just like that. And I'm left with more holes in me than Swiss cheese, and it just hurts." He cried, hitting his hands against his head while his feet pounded into the floor.
"And you." He said, looking up at her meeting her eye to eye, before he looked as a child having a temper tantrum, but now, he stared at her with more emotion than she'd ever thought out of someone so completely human.
"Precious you. I would do anything for you. But I can't make myself anymore him, and I know that's what you want more than anything. And that hurts, because what's the point of being human if I can't give you the life you want?" He said, his face dropping, looking so disappointed in himself as he whispered.
"What's the point of being alive if it's not what you want?" He whispered, looking at the floor.
"Doctor, look at me." Rose said, and he did so.
"Now, you listen to me. Of course I want, bloody hell I deserve you. You are the one thing I wanted about him that I could never have, a future." She said, taking his hands in hers.
"And as for the pain, I can't say how long it will take or if it will ever go away completely but you have people here that what to help you. My dad, Tony, bloody hell even my mom, but most importantly. You have me." Rose said, running her fingers over his hand.
He sighed, looking at Rose. His Rose. He was certain that she would hate him, want nothing to do with him, but now that all seemed silly. Looking into her eyes, as she stared back into his, he realized that she couldn't hate him at least not yet. She might, if he didn't start to shape up. He moved to stand up, finally deciding that he would do his best to be the perfect man for Rose when she pulled on his arm sending him back to the ground.
She laughed, which turned into a giggle when she saw the surprised look across his face. She reached her arm around his shoulders and he laid his head on her shoulder closest to him closing his eyes. It was a different feeling, it was a feeling at least, even if he couldn't recognize it.
They sat there for who knows how long, and then the sound of Jackie's voice calling for dinner caused them both to move. He was the first one up and he held out both his hands for her. Using his hands she pulled herself up, and he pulled her closer to make sure she didn't fall backwards. After opening the door for her, he was pleasantly surprised to feel her hand in his as they walked down the stairs towards the kitchen. He felt a smile creep up on his face.