Because when you're finally safe, a break down is inevitable.
When he's finally home, it doesn't even seem real.
Because Edward Elric has never know what being safe felt like, not since he was a young child. Long before his Mother had died, long before he even knew what a transmutation circle was.
He feels like he is in a dream, a wonderful, glorious dream. And he's teetering across floor boards of glass, because he's afraid if he takes one step too hard, it'll all shatter. The floor will be violently yanked away and he will wake up in the shitty dorm and to the tiny tones of Al.
Because the running, the fear, and the constant yearn for the miracle is all he's ever known.
But now he doesn't have to run, he doesn't have to live a life where he's always on alert, always looking behind his shoulder. Always feeling like death was a next door neighbor, where the grim reaper was waiting to come and take him away. Being safe is such a foreign concept that Ed is nearly sick with relief.
But he felt trapped. He couldn't enjoy it, because he felt like he was living in a dream. And the fear of shattering the floor boards of glass was so strong, that he was constantly running.
Instead of physically running, he kept his mind running. Not like he could stop the racing anyway. He kept reading, and writing, and researching. For what, he didn't know, but it helped keep the anxiety at bay. He reread his favorite books, had Sheska keeping track of new ones that might instead him. Currently he was reading some of the Trighams work, despite how much he hated Russell. But the bastard had some interesting research on plant-based alchemy, and it kept his mind focused on something.
"Ed."
At the sound of his name, Ed looks up. He see's Roy standing beside him, a cup of coffee in hand. He sends him a smile, resting his own cup of coffee on the dining room table, setting the book down beside it. "Mornin'." He said, voice low and rough.
Roy see's the deep purple bruises under his eyes, hears the weariness in his voice. "Did you get any sleep last night?" He asks, slowly sitting down across from Ed.
Ed's quiet for a moment, "No." He answers, "Just tossed and turned till I gave up."
Roy runs his hands through his hair, letting out a long sigh. "You can't keep doing this to yourself, dear." Roy says in a worried tone. "You're going to run out of steam eventually."
Edward shrugs his shoulders, because he can't tell him how scared he is to fall asleep. He's terrified that if he falls asleep, he'll wake up and this will all have been a beautiful, beautiful, dream. And he'll wake up, and he'll be in the shitty apartment in Germany, or he'll wake up to find Scar above him with his hand over his head. Or he'll wake up to find Al dead, or wake up in his basement back nine years ago and this whole adventure was just a dream.
"Ed.."
He blinks, and finds Roy crouched down in from of him. He can feel Roy's hand on his cheek, gently stroking his thumb across it.
Ed lets out a shuddering breath, "I'm okay.." He replies, "Just need something to eat."
Roy gives him a worried look, "You sure?" He asked, voice laced with concern.
Ed nods, "Yeah, just need some food." Ed answers, his voice slightly pained.
Roy sends him a small smile, his thumb still stroking Ed's cheek softly. "I love you, dear." Roy says in a tender tone, trying to pour as much love into the simple words as he could. Trying to ride the self-hatred out of Edward Elric before it materialized and destroyed the boy. Because Roy knew what was happening, he'd seen it before after the war. When the soldiers had come home, and just couldn't believe that they were safe that it overwhelmed them and they just broke.
But Edward never broke easy, and this time was certainly no different.
So Roy would wait, and he would try to keep his lover comfortable and remind him how loved he was. Because Edward deserved as much love as Roy could give him, given the hell he had gone through all those years...
Edward gave him another smile, "I love you too.." He replied, his voice soft and sincere.
Roy smiled, pulling his hand away from his cheek and wrapping his arms around the blond. Pulling him close, Roy softly kissed him and whispering another thousand 'I love you's to the man before Edward wiggled his way out of the embrace.
"Let's have some breakfast, you sap." Edward said, walking into the kitchen.
"I'm worried."
Roy's voice is soft into the receiver of the phone, his fingers resting on his forehead as he let out a slow breath. He had escaped to the office for awhile, to get some paperwork done even though it was a Saturday. Ed seemed disappointed that Roy was leaving, Roy was disappointed that Ed had no interest in trying to take a nap.
"I am too." Al replies, "He called me last night, he sounded just so broken but yet so relieved."
"When did he call you?" Roy asked, trying to get a gauge on how long Ed spent the night wandering around the house in his own misery.
He heard Al hum, thinking. "At about three, maybe two-thirty." Al replied, "We talked for about an hour before I told him I had to go to bed."
"I found him downstairs with coffee and a book at seven-thirty." Roy says, "It's been two days now, I'm wondering how much longer he can go without sleep."
"He can go for a while." Al replied with ease, "He didn't sleep for a week after Nina Tucker died."
Shit – add that to the never-ending list of guilt Roy had for all those missions he sent Ed on. "What finally ended it?" Roy asked, wondering how much longer this might go on for.
"He just collapsed." Al answered, "I found his face planted into a book at the library, had to carry him back to the dorms and he slept for like, eighteen hours straight."
Roy let out a long sigh, "Well, hopefully that happens soon." Roy said in a sad tone, "I hate seeing him so run down but refusing ti sleep."
"You know he's stubborn as hell." Al said with a chuckle, "He'll crack soon, I just hope you will be with him when he does crack – because he'll be a wound oozing blood and you'll be the tourniquet."
"I'm trying." Roy answers swiftly. "That's why I'm in the office today working, so that maybe I can take a few days off to spend with him."
He could picture Al smiling on the other end, "Well in that case, I best let you get back to work."
They said their good-byes before Roy was left alone with his stack of papers. He was bound and determined to get this done, so that he could be there to pick Edward back up when he fell apart. Then he could spend the next days mending him together, piece by piece.
The glass shatters when Edward drifts off for an hour two nights later.
He is snuggled up to Roy's side, while Roy lays next to him with an arm draped lightly around his waist. The clock has just struck two a.m, and Edward begins to thrash.
He tosses and turns, eyes clenched tight as a nightmare starts to engulf him – and it's too much for his fragile, sleep deprived self, his mind is too fragile for this, and he screams as he jolts awake.
Roy jumps awake, and he's startled even though he has waited for this to happen for days. But when he sees Ed withering in agony, with his eyes still clenched shut, he takes the role he needs now. His heart is breaking, but he shifts his gear and becomes the anchor Edward needs.
"Edward." Roy starts softly, gently cupping his cheek with one hand. "Ed, love.."
"No, no, no, no, no, no..." Edward begins to chant in such a broken tone. Roy hasn't heard such a broke tone come from Edward since he was a child. Oh, it breaks Roy's heart into a thousand pieces. "It was all a dream, it was all a dream..."
Oh, Edward...
Roy's heart was breaking, despite knowing what was going on. That Edward refused to sleep, or slow down, because he was afraid he was living in a dream. It still hurt Roy that Edward was accustomed to a life filled with pain. So use to being let down, and losing hope. He just couldn't feel like he could relax and feel safe.
"Edward," Roy said in a soft, but firm tone. "Edward, love, it's okay..."
Running fingers through Ed's silky blond hair, Roy began to plant soft kisses on Edward's cheeks in an attempt to calm him. "I love you, dear." Roy whispered softly. Trying to gently wake the boy, tear him away from the fear with love.
Slowly, topaz gold eyes met with steel-blue.
"It's okay..." Roy whispered, "You're home, you're safe.."
Roy watched as Edwards golden eyes filled with tears, "It's okay to cry, Edward.." Roy whispered, wrapping his arms around Edward's waist and pulling him close.
"This isn't real!" Ed sobbed, "This can't be real, this can't be real..."
"I know, love.. I know.." Roy replied, "But it is real, and you're finally safe."
Edward was so used to being in danger, so use to keeping himself so tightly wound up and living in survival mode. Edward didn't know what to do with himself, he didn't know what to do with the feeling of not being in impending danger and not living on the edge of nearly dying. He wasn't living off the adrenaline of his latest brush with death, or the need to keep searching. Now that everything was over, the scars of trauma were starting to show. Edward's mind wasn't racing through alchemic equations or theories, he wasn't living in fear of Scar killing him, he had time for the demons to begin to grow in the back of his mind. Survival mode was over, the process of trauma was beginning. The dam was breaking, and thankfully Roy was there to mend him up.
Edward sobbed into Roy's chest, his walls finally breaking down. Baring it all out in the open for Roy to see, all the hurt he had gone through in the last nine years.
Roy gently pressed kisses on the top of Edward's head. "I love you so much darling.." He whispered about a dozen times, "You're going to be okay, I'll make sure you're always safe..." 'Even from the demons in your mind...'
"I never thought I'd survive..." Edward whispered, "I just, I just can't believe I made it through all those years."
Roy just gripped him tighter, trying to fight off his own guilt for sending him on all those damn missions. "But you did, love." Roy said in a tender tone. "You survived, and now you get to live a normal life."
"But how do I even do that?" Edward asked in a child-like tone, "I've never...gotten to live without, feeling like, I was gonna die or whatever.."
Roy ignored the stab of pain in his heart, "But you lived through it all." He replied with a smile, "You kicked the homuncli's asses, you kicked Scar's ass, and you helped all those people along the way.."
Edward doesn't say anything for a moment, "But it backfired sometimes, like in Liore."
Roy let out a soft sigh, "Yes." He answered, "But in the end you still helped them, and look at Liore now, it's doing great thanks to all of Armstrong's hard work."
The tears were beginning to slow, Roy gently placed a kiss on Ed's forehead. "And even after you - " the words get stuck in Roy's throat, because he can't say 'after you died' because he can't accept that Ed died. "even after you got trapped on the other side of the Gate, you still brought Al back, and you still came back."
"I couldn't accept Al not getting his body back, I had to do that one way or another." Edward replied, "Even if he was the philosophers stone, I didn't care to sacrifice myself so that he got what he needed."
Roy just gripped him tighter. "And you kicked ass fighting off those weirdos from the other side of the gate, and you even closed the door." Roy went on, trying to build this man back up from the ground.
"What are you getting at, Roy?" Edward asked, the tears long gone. He wasn't all the way back, but the fear was gone and the child-like tone had disappeared. But Roy knew he still had work to do.
Roy chuckled, "I'm trying to tell you that you are an incredible person, who has an incredible talent." Roy replied, kissing the blond on his head once more. "And I know it's hard to adjust after the life you've lived for so long, and it's hard to understand that you're finally safe.." Roy pauses for a moment, "You'll get there, it'll take a while, but you will adjust."
"But what do I do now?" Edward asked, "I can't just sit here, I hate it, these past two days have been boring as hell." Edward continues, "I need something to do, I'm wasting all this talent – or whatever the hell you call it, by just sittin' here."
Roy just smiles at first, cause this is the most Edward has acted like himself since he came back home. "We'll find you something, with a brain like yours, you've got countless choices on what you can do now." Roy starts, "You can stay in the military." Roy begins, even though this is the last thing Roy wants him to do, because he likes the concept that Edward is safe. Even though he knows Edward Elric and danger (and near death experiences) go together like Havoc and a cigarette. "Continue working for me, or work for Maes, continue going on missions." He follows up, "Or try to work at the local University, God knows they'd love having you there." He pauses, thinking for a moment. "You probably could open your own lab, do your own research with no one breathing down your neck."
"If I worked with the University, they'd probably give me my own research lab." Edward answered, "If I rented one, it'd cost like, a shit ton."
Roy smiled, "See, now you're thinking."
"I just want you to know, that just because you're journey with Al is over it doesn't mean your life is over." Roy began. "Our journey together is just beginning, your life after the search is just beginning, and your new life with Alphonse is just beginning." Roy sent him a tender smile, before giving him a gentle kiss on the nose. "Haven't you heard the saying, one door closes and another one opens?"
Edward smiled, "You're becoming a sap in your old age.."
"But I'm your sap." Roy said with a wide smile, because the spark in Ed's eyes was back.
"I love you." Edward said, kissing Roy on the forehead. "Thank you, for, you know."
"I love you too." Roy said, "And you're welcome."
The two shared a soft kiss, while Roy brushed his fingers through Edward's long hair. The kiss quickly turned into a short make-out session, and Roy tried to pour as much love as he could into those simple kisses. He knew Ed's pain would never be completely gone, they would have some rough patches. There would be some days where Ed couldn't get out of bed, because the pain would swallow him whole. But for now, Ed was basking in the wave of relief. They had gotten through this rough patch, they would be able to get through the next one.
When they parted, Edward was smiling.
"It feels so fuckin' good to have that off my chest." Edward said with a grin.
"I bet so." Roy said, placing another kiss on Edward's cheek.
"Now I'm ready for some sleep..." Edward said with a yawn, nuzzling into the crook of Roy's neck. "Night."
"Good night, love." Roy said, resting his head slightly on top of Ed's.
Their bodies fit together like two puzzle pieces, and in a way their relationship reflected of two puzzle pieces. They filled the dark, empty corners in each other. They fit together, despite their differences. And while they had their fair share of differences, they complimented each other. And in times like this, no one else would get the hardships they face in the wee hours of the night.
But Edward and Roy would always be there for each other, no matter the hour. They would build the other up, and mend their wounds.
Piece by piece.
A/N: I am so proud of myself, I got this written out within three days! Like, that's a record for me!