Nostalgia = Nightmare
"Mirror, mirror on the wall – am I the grandest nightmare of them all..."
Sundays are truly boring days. There's not much to do. I haven't started school yet. I look at my clown – it scares me. I really think it's grinning at me to eat me. Mommy tells me not to think like that. When I cry and keep on telling her that she scolds me a little and soothingly tells me I am a good girl. I don't wanna be a good girl. Because good girls are not supposed to be scared and then they won't need Mommy
" Remember baby this is a short stay."
" Why are we here Mommy?"
" Daddy is here."
" Is Daddy coming to meet us!"
" No Daddy doesn't know we are here..."
" So we are surprising Dad!"
" Yes, baby, we will now hush – stay close to me nor else you'll get lost."
" Ok Mommy."
I think I can be a good girl. Mommy likes good girls. I think I'll like good girls. But I am not sure yet.
Daddy doesn't come home anymore. I think he has become busy. Mommy stayed at home before but now she works too. I like Mommy working too at times because she brings me back more presents like Daddy. But also Mommy seems happier working when I asked her why she said " I think I am one of those people who likes working. I don't like staying still and at home."
Mommy is like me. I don't like staying. I play and I talk and I talk sometimes to my friends that others can't see – they are my secret friends. And I have them coz I don't have other friends. So, I like keeping them.
Mommy takes me around for long walks. Sometimes she sits in parks and I look at the birds. Sometimes Mommy cries. I wanna ask her what's the matter – she keeps crying and holds me close – but, sometimes she's like
" Dammit! Dammit! Zara please shut up!"
I get scared. I tried to talk one more time and she slapped me twice. I was very upset. So I ran away a bit. Then she came and hugged me and said "I'm, sorry Baby...I'm so sorry..." she was crying all the time.
She keeps on crying. She keeps on slapping. At times she thinks she should send me to school. I say I don't wanna. Everybody tease me. Call me mad – slow – talkative – chatter-box and mommy's girl. I don't get good marks.
" When are we going to meet Daddy..."
Sometimes it's "Soon."
Sometimes it's "Enough with Daddy!"
Soon, one day we are walking again. We don't stop near any parks. Mommy tells me to wait outside a gate. She'll just ask something. I said ok.
I look around. The place seems nice. Except that building. It looks old. Doesn't anyone clean it? Does anyone live in it? It looks so dirt – if mommy saw this she'd shriek.
The building looks old and rotten and...I wanna see it in a way. It looks ghostly like the stories my cousins tells me to scare me (they don't like me really) – I wanna see but why?! It looks so scary! Why do I wanna see it!
I walk. I walk.
I walk. I walk.
I walk. I walk.
I walk. I walk.
Inside everything is dirty too. Spider webs and dust. Broken things. Boards. Bottles. Paint buckets. All is so dirty and ugly, no ugly, but sparkling in its own way.
" Hello."
My voice goes around.
No one listens.
NO one is there.
Something calls me.
What is it?
There is a door that looks weird to me for some reason.
I open it.
The place is so dirty. I want to leave. There is a bad smell coming from somewhere. Why is that mattress there? Against the wall? Why is the smell so strong there?
What should I do? Should I go back to Mommy? No – I – why is that mattress there?
I go near it.
I touch.
It's hard. It's old.
I pull. I pull. I pull. It's so much work. I pull and pull. I pull and pull. And – hole?
What's this? Is this like Alice in Wonderland?! I wanna see Alice in Wonderland be Zara in Wonderland.. I go and go. It's really icky the walls are painted badly. The smell is so bad. I thought wonderland smelled good and was exciting!
What are these things – hey, it's a mug, it's a watch – but that's broken – here, this is a comb. I comb my hair a bit and giggle. What are all these dusty things? Who keeps them? Is it a collection like my stuff toy collection or Salman's stamp collection (why is he so bright?) What is that smell and why am I so afraid...
...I
...I shouldn't be here – what's this – a ball of paper...like James giant peach I got Zara's giant paper? – is that peach juice – why is it yellow and I'm putting a finger – so soft but like so gross! What is it! Eww it smells! It...It...
....It moved
Why – Why is it moving?
What What What Mommy Mommy Mommy
A man...
He looks, " Who...are you?"
He smells bad,
He's covered in goo
He got out
He's not wearing anything
" I have to leave!" I screamed,. " I'm going to Mommy!"
He stretches out and fingers GROW BIG GROW BIG GROW BIG VERY BIG! " What are you doing here...?"
" Why are you not – not wearing anything – why are you in goo – Mommy Mommy!"
" Come back!" he grabs me and I move. His hand SO BIG
" NOO NOOO NOOOOOO!"
" Tell me!"
" NOOO NOOO NOOOO!"
I run and run and run and run and run. No, No, No, No, No, Mommy, Mommy, Mommy, Mommy, Mommy, Mommy, Mommy, Mommy, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, Mommy, Mommy
" ZARA WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN I HAVE ENOUGH PROBLEMS!"
Daddy, " You left Zara alone here – this isn't the best neighbourhood!"
" No wonder you buy your whores from here!"
" I ain't a whore Mrs. I gave your hubbie what he aching down below!"
" You keep your mouth shout my daughter is here! – Zara..."
I looked down. I peed my pants. Yellow. Like that Yellow Man. Like Yellow Eyes.
I screamed.
" Zara baby honey what's wrong?! Why is your dress so messy? Where is the clip on your hair? Baby what's wrong?!"
" You shouldn't have left Zara –"
" Shut Up!" she...Dad..." Baby, Baby Zara what's wrong..."
" Yellow Eyes."
" What sweetie."
" Yellow Eyes."
" Yellow Eyes."
I don't remember anything anymore.