Domino, Hart and the Turks are copyright their creators, no infringement was intended.
The New Napoleon of Crime
By Don Seto
Hart pushed open the door to Domino's office. "Sir?"
Domino was staring out of the window, talking on the phone. "Yes, I'd like to order another ten pizzas, double-anchovy, for President Shinra. Yes, charge it to him. Thank you." He hung up the phone, and chortled to himself. "Magnificent!"
"Sir?" Hart repeated.
Domino swivelled around on his chair. "What is it, Hart?"
"Well –" Hart began. The sight of Domino's private locker distracted him. He almost never left it open. It was full of posters and badges, emblazoned with the slogan 'Vote Domino!'
"Ah!" Domino shouted, slamming the locker shut. "Did you see my private possessions, Hart?"
"I –"
"Answer me!"
"No, sir," Hart droned obediently. "You were too quick for me."
Domino nodded proudly. "That's right! That's why they call me Quick-draw Domino. Did you know that was my nickname when I lived in the slums? Oh, yes, I was the toughest guy in Sector 6. Did I ever tell you about the time…?"
"Yeah, alright already," Hart muttered. "Sir, do you really think it's a good idea to keep sending pizzas to President Rufus?"
"It's a wonderful idea," Domino smirked. "I will be the downfall of Shinra Inc!"
"Anyway, sir, I wanted to ask you about the files you gave me this morning. Are you sure you want me to destroy them?"
"That's what I said, isn't it?"
"Yes sir, but –"
"Hart, did I or did I not say, 'destroy these files'?"
"You did, sir."
"So why haven't you done it already? Don't you take orders from me any more? I am the Mayor, you know. I was elected! Look, here, I have a certificate!"
"That says you swam 100 metres, sir."
"Stop nit-picking, Hart! This is war! Are you with me or aren't you?"
"I'm with you, sir."
"We are fearless! We have the power of the people on our side! I am an elected official, empowered by the will of the people! I have nothing to fear from the Shinra!"
The intercom buzzed. "Turks here to see you, Mr. Domino," a secretary whined.
"SHIT!" Domino coughed. "Hart! What are you still doing here! Get out there and look useful!"
Hart obeyed. He picked up a couple of files and wandered around with them, keeping one eye fixed on the door. Were the Turks really here? What on earth could they want?
After a minute, two blue-suited figures appeared in the door. They looked around the library with thinly concealed distaste. One of them was a young woman, with blonde hair cut in a bob. The other was the man Hart recognised as Reno.
"Um, hello?" Hart said nervously. "Are you looking for a document? We have some new blueprints from the Weapons division…"
Reno paced along the length of the library, ignoring Hart. His eyes were darting around, examining every inch of the room.
The female Turk approached Hart. "Mayor Domino?" she said.
"No, my name's Hart. The Deputy Mayor. "
"Oh. I'm Elena. Is Domino around?"
Hart jerked his thumb at the office. "Yeah, he's in there. Can you tell me what you're doing here? Perhaps I can help you?"
"I doubt it," Reno said, stalking past them. "Come on, Elena, let's get this show on the road." He rapped on the door to the office, then immediately opened it and strode inside. Elena followed him.
Hart prevaricated for a moment, then crept after them and pressed his eye to the crack in the door. The two Turks were talking to Domino.
"…Calls made to premium rate numbers lasting for up to 48 hours at a time," Reno read from a scrap of paper. "Approximately 160 inedible pizzas. Bouquets of flowers imported from Wutai and delivered to Scarlet. Stripograms and strange singing people delivered to Heidegger. Crank calls tying up the phone network. Phone calls instructing the Engineering Department to remodel the helicopter at exceptionally inconvenient times. Do you mean to tell me that these incidents have nothing to do with you?"
"That's right," Domino said. He was sweating profusely inside his lime-green crushed-velvet suit. "I don't even know what you're talking about. Do you think that I, the Mayor of Midgar, have nothing better to do with my time than order strippers and make expensive phone calls?"
"Well, yes," Elena said with a shrug. "Everyone knows that you're surplus to requirements, and that you have a grudge against the Shinra."
Domino's eyes widened. "Me? Dislike the Shinra? Oh, you're mistaken, young lady. I love Rufus and everybody. Not a day goes by when I don't send a prayer of thanks to the heavens for giving me the chance to work with such wonderful people. Look," he said, reaching for his private locker.
Hart was only barely aware of the little flick of Domino's thumb, but when the locker swung open, it wasn't the same as it had been minutes before. Hart was impressed. He didn't know that Domino had the sense to install a trick safe. The locker was now full of pro-Rufus posters, a veritable shrine of Shinra worship. There was even a photo of the Turks, with a little pink heart glued on.
Reno and Elena both took a surreptitious backward step.
"See?" Domino said, with a cheery smile.
"Hmm," Reno murmured. "Well, since you're so fond of us, you won't mind if we stick around for a while."
Domino looked as though he was about to protest, but somehow he resisted the desire. "Ooh, that would be lovely," he said, although his voice had lost some of its earlier enthusiasm. "Would you care for a cup of coffee?"
The Turks both nodded gratefully.
"Excuse me for a second," Domino said. He emerged from the office and collared Hart. "This is our chance!" he whispered. "We can slip rat poison into their drinks!"
"No, we can't," said Hart.
Domino scowled. "You coward. Oh well, just make sure you get the coffee from the machine on 38. No point giving them good stuff."
"You want me to go down to 38?" Hart said in disbelief. "There's a machine right here…"
"Be quiet, Hart," Domino said, before going back into his office.
Hart stared after him angrily. He went across the library to the coffee maker and poured two cups. He handed them in to the Turks, then got on with his work. He could just hear the conversation Domino was having.
"Nice coffee," Reno said approvingly.
"Damn it!" Domino shouted, then tried to cover it up. "Um, er, I shouted because I forgot something very important. Um, yes, I have to sort out these files. I nearly forgot. Um."
"You must take your work very seriously," Elena observed.
"That's right," Domino said. "I'm a very busy man. I have real responsibilities." There was a pause, and then the intercom on Hart's desk buzzed. "Hart?" said Domino's voice. "Do you remember those files we were talking about?"
"The ones you told me to destroy, sir?" Hart asked.
"No!" Domino yelped. "I, uh, told you not to destroy them. You'll have to excuse my associate," he said apologetically. "He was dropped on his head as a baby."
"The intercom's still on, sir," Hart said.
"Damn," Domino muttered. "Excuse me, please, I'd better go and make sure he isn't doing anything foolish." He popped out of the office and bounced across to Hart. "Listen, Hart, I have an idea! We can push them out of the window!"
"The intercom's still on, sir," Hart said again.
"ARGH!"
"Did you mean, sir, that we could get the Christmas tree up here this year by dropping ropes from the window and then hauling it up?" Hart suggested loudly.
Domino stared at him, a manic gleam in his eye. "Yes. I did." He reached over and switched the intercom off. "Seriously, Hart, we have to kill them. It would be a blow for victory! For freedom!"
"Sir," Hart said earnestly, "do you remember what we were talking about yesterday? When you had decided to disguise yourself as the Easter Bunny and give Rufus an egg filled with high-explosives?"
"Yes," Domino nodded. "You know, that idea still has merit…"
"No, sir, do you remember what we decided? About actions and consequences?"
Domino rolled his eyes. "Oh, Hart, you're such a party-pooper. You never let me have any fun." He walked back to the office and opened the door. "Well, I'm just going to do some filing," he told the Turks. "I feel that I have a responsibility to help with the menial tasks. I am very dedicated to my work, after all."
A minute later, Reno and Elena were lounging at the door to the office, watching Domino go about his "work". It consisted of Hart putting files on shelves, and Domino interrupting every few seconds to ask where things belonged.
"Hart," he whispered. "Where does this go? It's, um, The Design and Manufacture of Mako Weapons."
"I told you where the weapons research section is," Hart snapped, exasperated. "Look, over there."
Domino shuffled away. Moments later he was back. "Hart, where does this go again? It's about Hojo."
"Oh, for crying out loud," Hart muttered. "You've already asked me that three times in the last five minutes..."
Reno cleared his throat. "Excuse me, gentlemen, but why do you keep having these whispered conferences?"
"It's my associate, I'm afraid," Domino said sadly. "He has a memory like a sieve. I have to remind him where the files go. Really, that's why I spend so much time helping organise the library. The work just wouldn't get done otherwise. It's very sad."
Hart's jaw dropped.
"I want to go talk to the night-watchman for the library," Elena announced. "Does anyone know where his office is?"
A cunning look appeared on Domino's face. "Certainly! You just go down a floor then turn right and continue right until you're left with the right door, then go up a corridor and down in the corner is the office. It says on the door, Main Entrance: Night-watchman. It's abbreviated of course – to M. E. N."
"Thanks," Elena said vaguely, and headed for the lift. Reno wandered away, looking at some of the files on the shelves.
Hart grabbed Domino's sleeve. "What the fuck are you doing?!"
"Hoo hoo," Domino chortled. "I wouldn't expect you to understand, Hart, but I've just been frightfully clever. I saw that on a Bob Hope film."
"Just one question," Hart asked pleasantly. "In the film, what happened when the person returned to complain about having been misdirected?"
Domino frowned. "Nothing happened – Bob had already flown away in their plane! It was most amusing."
"Do we have a plane?"
"Why, no… Oh."
"Yes, 'oh'," growled Hart. "Damn it, Domino, could you choose a worse time to start using ancient practical jokes? Or a worse person to use them on?"
"Don't speak to me like that, Hart," Domino said haughtily. "I am the Mayor. I will get us out of this situation." He straightened the vast shoulder-pads of his suit and pushed his glasses back up his nose. "Ahem! I am now thinking. Do not interrupt me, Hart. I will not be responsible for the consequences if you dare to interrupt me. Don't even think about it." He paused, and shot Hart a desperate look. "Well, c'mon, Hart, this is where you're supposed to have a brainwave and interrupt me!"
"Yes, I say, 'why don't we do xyz'?"
Domino nodded encouragingly. "Right! And then I say, 'don't be ridiculous, why do I have to do everything for myself?'…"
"…and then you say, 'I have just had a marvellous idea, Hart, let's do xyz'…"
"…and you say, 'why didn't I think of that?' like a good little henchman!" Domino finished, beaming. "So let's get to it! What's your great idea?"
Hart sighed and glared at his boss. "I don't have one."
"Don't be silly."
"Oh, just leave me alone, will you?" Hart moaned. "I can't believe the Turks are going to arrest us because of you and your fucking 'anchovy pizzas'."
Domino waggled his finger at Hart. "I am still your boss, and whatever you may think of me, I am also the Mayor of Midgar. I can get us out of this mess." He squinted thoughtfully at thin air for a moment, and then his expression became one of absolute delight. "I'VE GOT IT!
"Excuse me?" Reno asked from the other side of the room. "Got what?"
"This file," Domino said smoothly. "A little difference of opinion between Mr Hart and myself. I say, Mr Reno, would you mind awfully if you gave us a couple of minutes of privacy? Hart is a little unhappy, and I want to talk to him."
Reno nodded and slunk across the room. He waited in the stairwell, passing the time by twirling his nightstick and staring at the wall, admiring the paintwork of the '62'.
After a small eternity, Elena appeared from the floor below. She looked furious, and was dripping wet. "I'm going to rip his baldy head off," she spat at Reno.
"What's Rude done now?"
"Not Rude, that sartorial fuck-up Domino!" Elena exploded. "He sent me to the men's restroom! How dare he?"
Reno frowned. "Didn't you notice that it said MEN on the door?"
"Gah!" Elena exclaimed bitterly, conveniently ignoring the question. "Some little executive had to make some remark, and so I kicked his ass, and then someone turned the tap on and flicked water at me! I mean, how juvenile is that? I can't believe this…"
"So, how come – " Reno began, but he was interrupted a loud crash from the library. "What the…?"
The two Turks ran out of the stairwell and then stopped, dumbfounded. One of the bookcases had been uprooted, and files were scattered over the floor. The case had then apparently been used to smash the window. A rope had been tied to the leg of the desk. It looked as though someone had made a very quick getaway.
"Call upstairs," Reno said. "I'll go down there and get after those two geeks." He made for the stairs, but halted halfway. "Do you hear that?"
Elena hesitated. "You mean that sort of moaning noise?"
"Yeah," Reno nodded. "Sounds like it's coming from that closet over there…" He grimaced. "The secret life of Domino's library, eh? Suppose we ought to investigate?"
They stalked cautiously across to the closet and Elena drew her pistol. Reno flung the door open then leaped back, in case something dangerous lurked within.
"Freeze!" Elena shouted.
They stared. Domino and Hart were in the cupboard, handcuffed to the wall and gagged.
"This looks kinky to me," Reno said queasily. He gingerly untied Domino's gag. "Is this, uh, what is this?"
Domino sighed deeply. "Thank heavens you heard us! We have been tied up in this closet for hours! If you hadn't saved us…"
"What the hell?" Reno said, nonplussed.
Elena frowned. "You've been in there for… But we were talking to you minutes ago! Remember, you told me to go to the Men's…" she continued, her face darkening with the recollection.
"No, no," Domino said, "that wasn't me! Hart and I are quite innocent! You were talking," he said, pausing for effect, "to our clones."
"…"
"…"
Domino gave them an understanding look. "I know, we were confused too. But it's something to do with Professor Gast. Hart can explain it."
Hart glared at him over his gag.
"Well, it's quite simple," Domino said, looking away from his deputy. "Hojo secretly created evil clones of us, and they came down here and tied us up. Then they made a lot of prank calls, to try and damage Shinra. They blamed the Shinra for making them, you see. And then you came and scared them, so they ran away. Out of the window."
"They were very lifelike clones," Elena said.
Domino nodded. "Yes, Hojo is extremely talented."
"I was most impressed by the way that they wore the same suits as you two," Reno observed casually.
"Well, I am very fond of lime green," Domino said with a shrug. "And Hart wears those boring business suits all the time. They must have raided our closets."
Reno folded his arms, staring at the Mayor thoughtfully. "And you'll make a full report of this incident?"
"Sure," Domino said.
"And if we were to ask Professor Hojo…?"
"He'd deny it, because it's a secret."
Reno and Elena exchanged looks. Finally, he said, "Alright. We'll get someone to unlock the handcuffs. Then you're in the clear."
Domino sighed in relief.
Ten minutes later, Reno shook Domino's hand and the two Turks went on their way. Domino turned to Hart, an elated gleam in his eye. "Woohoo!"
"Do you think we fooled them, sir?"
"Of course!"
("Did you believe any of that?" Elena asked.
"Not a word."
"What will we tell the President?"
Reno smiled. "That those two are far too incompetent to be dangerous.")
Domino danced around his desk, grinning like a fool. "We're off the hook! We're off the hook! Mind you, they couldn't have touched us anyway. We didn't really do anything wrong, did we, Hart?"
"No, sir," Hart said obediently, as he sellotaped a poster to the wall.
The Grand Clearance Sale
62nd Floor
All Confidential Files
50% Off
Everything Must Go!
The End