Not only am I getting kicked out of my apartment but I also have to help get it ready for Fred's soon to be wife. Isn't that just the icing on the cake? No woman in their right mind would want a guest bedroom the color of the green out of the Crayola box. Or at least that's what Fred said to try and convince me to help him fix up our hell hole of an apartment. I had been telling him since I moved in with him a year and a half ago that we needed to fix it up but does he listen to me? No, but the second his fiancé tells him something he has already got the plaster and dry wall to fix the hole in the wall by the shower.

Meanwhile his fiancé is off in the South of France leading rallies with my sister. Did I mention that Fred's fiancé is also one of my sister's best friends? Oh, she is. She is at every rally holding a sign to save the whales or whatever they are trying for right now. They are probably throwing gallons of paint at which ever starlet is wearing a minx shall at the moment. So I'm stuck in this dreadful apartment for another month or two depending on how many fingers and toes get cut off. I could be apartment hunting right now or I could be in Florida with my mom and dad and my grandparents. I have been coddled too long.

Fred is all happy. I can't believe him sometimes. He actually spent hundreds of dollars on tools and paint and is planning on spending thousands on little candles and throw pillows after we are finished. How can a man life in an apartment with throw pillows? It's like a woman comes in and sees all the stuff a guy treasures and has spent months saving his pay check to buy (i.e. our wonderful sound system) and declares it takes up too much room and all of the cords are tacky. And it's the way Fred's fiancé says it too. She said this the other day: "I'll let you keep all of the electronic stuff in the office." I swear that's how she said it, like this was the nicest thing in the world to let Fred keep something he paid for.

As much as I bitch about my apartment though I'm going to kind of miss it. I mean it's nice to have a place where I can escape from my sister since she thinks the surgeon general should put a warning label on my apartment building and all. And it's roomy. Besides I do like Fred even if he has gone soft lately. He really needs to get a hold of himself. What happened to the brotherhood? What happened to that? Bros before hoes, remember that? I do. I miss that.

Now I will stop being so pessimistic and try to look at the upside to everything. Here is my oh-so-delightful list:

At least now we might have food in the apartment.

Fred's fiancé didn't trust us so one of her friends is moving in with us.

Our excessive CD collection may actually be divided and I will get what is rightfully mine.

….?

And I'm looking forward to this? Somewhat. Well a little more than I am looking forward to being homeless. I plan on messing things up so Fred has to keep me around to fix them. This could go on for years. I could be the Dupree for Fred and his fiancé. I think they owe it to me.

I must stop babbling. At this moment in time I am on a transatlantic flight from my country Genovia to New York, New York and it is all because I can never shut up. I was in New York not too long ago. I had called Lilly to tell her I was in and we decided to have dinner together. I thought me and her because all of our other friends were out of town or busy, believe me I called them all. The only person I didn't call was Michael and I knew that Lilly was smarter then to put Michael and me in the same room since we have unfinished conflicts. But Lilly wasn't alone. No, it wasn't Michael though when I saw a second body near Lilly I semi hoped it was Michael even though the body was a feminine one. Lilly immediately jumped out of her seat when she saw me. She was squeaking (since when has Lilly squeaked) about how much she missed me and how it was soooo good to see me. What has gotten into Lilly? I swear she is either on crack or very very sick.

So I sat down and she introduced her friend as Heather. Heather is from Central America. Heather is a social right activist. Heather is a feminist. Heather is everything I'm not. But hey wait a moment! I am a social right activist and I am a feminist even if I do like to indulge in some of the liberates guys give us but that's just because they are romantic and not really demeaning. Plus Heather is making her fiancé fix up his apartment while she is in France with Lilly for a protest or something. But Heather was going for the whole high and mighty act. Okay, I probably shouldn't hate a person after first meeting them but I think I was kind of mad that she wasn't Michael and also a little upset at what she had done to Lilly.

Lilly thought we got along just fine. She even left us for about half an hour as she went to take a call outside (whoever was keeping her on the line that long must die a very gruesome death). So Heather was wrapping some noodles around her fork as she started to say how she is worried about leaving her boyfriend with all of the responsibility of having to decorate her apartment and how she wished she could be there and I was saying how I was looking for an apartment because I was coming to New York for a while to start writing my first novel. Then Heather came up with the brilliant idea that I should stay in the apartment with her boyfriend and his roommate so I can oversee things. I couldn't really say no so I said I'd think about it but she thought that that meant yes so now I'm stuck in my personal form of hell.

A guy who wants to marry Heather has to be clinically insane. And any guy who lives with a guy who is marrying Heather must also be clinically insane or on some very strong medication. But I'm a nice girl so I couldn't back down but rather wait for the first conflict in personalities to arise then I'm splitting.

Now I will list the reasons that I'm happy to be in New York because honestly I really need to get out of the horrible mood I'm in.

I will be back to the place where I grew up.

I will be back to the place where I had my first romance and therefore maybe my creative juices will flow better.

I will be in the same town as my ex-romancer. (I can't decide whether I want to see him or not.)

I'll get to see Rocky and my mom and Mr. G.

I'll get to go see the amazing bands that are here unlike Genovia.

This may be the reason why I really wanted to come back to New York: BEAUTY AND THE BEAST ON BROADWAY.

Okay now I'm really not looking forward to having to help with the whole apartment project. Before we even start doing anything and before the girl moves in with us we have to clean like crazy. Think over it for a second: we are about to demo our kitchen and instead of making sure we knew where the studs are we are buying actual forks and knifes. Not just eating knifes either but the big chopping ones in slasher movies. Knowing Heather's friends this probably is meant as a weapon and not as a tool used in cooking. Which is of course would be our luck. Oh God now I must be sure that the lock on my door is working. Also must be sure that I carry a shield of some kind.

List of things I must have while living with Heather's friend:

My own supply of food and water. I will not be poisoned in my own home.

Gameboy since I never know when I will be gypped out of the TV and I will have to entertain myself.

Keys to the apartment in case I get locked out because I have to go out to the store to get her food or something.

Lie detection kit. I do not trust women. Well at least not Heather's women.

Some nice looking CD's. I don't want her to rip my whole CD collection apart from one glance. (Must obtain: Elvis Costello, Phill Collins, Goldfrapp, Imogen Heap. Must hide: Beyonce, Howie Day, Elton John, Artic Monkeys)

Mia's book. I don't want the whole girl talk about my girlfriend. EX GIRLFRIEND. (Must remember to call Mia my ex girlfriend).