The first time Ray opens up to Kendra is a couple days after they bury Carter. Kendra's just surfaced from a particularly vivid nightmare featuring Savage killing him and the team is roused from sleep by her screams and are crowding into her room without asking permission before Kendra even realises they're all there.
Sara is the first to speak. "Give her some space, guys, come on."
The team take a step back, all except for Ray.
"What happened?" he asks, offering her a glass of water.
Kendra shakes her head but takes the water gratefully. Her hands shake, though, and Ray covers them with his own larger ones, steadying her, helps her take a sip. "It was nothing. Just a dream."
"About?" asks Leonard.
"Carter," Kendra says. "Look, guys, I appreciate you all coming here but I'm fine. Go back to sleep."
"Suits me," says Mick, shrugging, and he and Leonard cast another glance at Kendra that is vaguely edged with concern before sloping off.
"I'm fine," Kendra repeats.
"You just lost the love of your life, Miss Saunders," says Rip. "I'd be concerned if you were fine."
"Maybe she doesn't want to talk about it with an audience," Jax suggests, and he meets Martin's eyes.
"Are you sure you're all right, Miss Saunders?" Martin says, his brow creasing in worry.
"Positive," Kendra lies. "Sorry for waking you."
"Well, from the way you were screaming, you might actually give my sister some competition," Sara says, and everyone looks at her, confused, except Kendra and Ray.
"The Black Canary's weapon," Kendra explains.
"She calls it the Canary Cry," Ray says cheerfully.
"That's a Cisco invention if ever I saw one," Kendra says fondly.
"Yeah, it was, actually," Sara says. Kendra breathes a sigh of relief, some of the weight on her shoulders disappearing and the pit in the bottom of her stomach easing up just a little at the change of subject.
"Anyway… we should probably get out of your hair," Jax says.
"Let us know if there's anything we can do," Rip says.
"Yeah. We've got your back, Kendra," Sara assures her.
Kendra manages a smile. "Thanks."
Jax, Martin, Rip and Sara file out of her room and Ray makes to follow, but then he hesitates, hanging back for a moment.
"By the way, uh, Kendra… I just wanted to let you know – if you ever want to talk –"
"You ever watched your soulmate for four thousand years die in front of you for the two hundred and seventh time?"
That came out harsher than expected. Kendra closes her eyes, immediately ready to apologise, but Ray's answer surprises her.
"Minus the four thousand years part – and the two hundred and seven part – yeah, actually."
"What do you – oh God, Ray, I am so sorry. I – didn't know…"
But unexpectedly Ray shakes his head. "No, it's okay. I mean – it's not the same thing. At all. And I only knew her in one lifetime, but there was… someone. She was my fiancée, actually. And she was killed right in front of me about two years ago."
"I'm sorry," Kendra says, and it's the obligatory platitude that is first on her lips even though she has another question. Thankfully, he answers it before she can ask.
"They broke her neck. That's how she died."
"They?"
"Crazy soldiers on some kind of drug that made them extra powerful," Ray explains. He chuckles a little at the look on Kendra's face. "We're on a mission to travel through time, I can shrink to the size of Cheeto and you're a reincarnated Egyptian warrior priestess. Supersoldiers aren't that much of a stretch in comparison."
"No, it's not that. It's just – I've never seen this side to you before."
"What side?"
"The one you hide behind that chipper exterior," Kendra says, and again some of the burden on her shoulders lessens at the change of subject.
"What am I hiding, exactly?" he asks softly.
Kendra considers. "That it still hurts."
"It does," Ray admits. "But it also gets better. Not because the pain ever goes away – you just –"
"– get used to it?" Kendra suggests, and Ray nods.
"Something like that."
They contemplate this in silence, and Kendra takes a sip of water, her hands steadier this time. "What was her name?"
"Anna. She was… my world."
"I know what that's like." At Ray's raised eyebrows she says, "I don't remember everything about our past lives. But I remember enough. Enough to know I did love him in this lifetime."
"You had a life together. Lives, I should say. That kind of love doesn't die," Ray tells her. "But you learn to live with it."
"Thank you, Ray," Kendra says sincerely. "Not just for the – talk. For – shrinking to the size of a Cheeto and, you know, saving my life."
They share a smile. "I built the Atom suit for Anna, you know. I saw them kill her right before my eyes and I couldn't do anything to stop them. And ever since then I vowed to myself never to feel that helplessness again."
"She would be proud of you," Kendra tells him softly, then adding, "I am too."
"You don't think it's too soon?" Ray asks, still with his forehead leaning against hers after another kiss. They're in their new apartment together, in 1958. Dancing. Kissing. And somehow now she's alone with Ray it doesn't seem so bad. "I just mean – I know Carter was important to you."
"He was," Kendra says, still with her arms firmly around Ray's neck. "But so are you."
"It took me months to convince myself that Anna would want me to move on," Ray admits. "But then… we didn't have four thousand years of practice in losing each other like you did."
"But you did?" Kendra asks. She moves to sit on the couch and Ray sits next to her.
"Yeah. With – you know Felicity Smoak, right?"
"You were together?" Somehow she's not surprised.
Ray chuckles. "I know what you're thinking. She seems to have a type."
"Yeah," she says teasingly, "muscular billionaire vigilantes seem to be her thing."
"For the record, Oliver's an ex-billionaire. I still have my company. Or at least I did, until I gave it to Felicity."
Then Kendra hesitates. "Why did things…"
"… not work out?"
"Yeah."
Ray shrugs. "She… was in love with someone else. Typical 'I can't make you love me if you don't' scenario."
Kendra doesn't say anything, even though her mind immediately goes back to a few lifetimes ago when that was almost – almost – her and Carter. Except she was the one chasing him, for once, and he remembered soon enough, and it was messy with the other girl he was with, messier than she thought, and it ended in both tragedy and heartbreak for all three of them.
But Kendra stays quiet. Her mind is a million miles – lifetimes, rather – away, and when she meets Ray's eyes it's like he knows that she's not really there with him.
"What happened?" she says eventually.
"I… finally accepted the truth. That she had feelings for someone else. And we broke it off. Amicably, though. I mean, it's not like she cheated, or anything."
That's how I felt about Carter three lifetimes ago, Kendra wants to say.
"You still felt wronged, though," she says instead. "And then guilty that you felt like that because she didn't actually do anything wrong."
"Are we talking about me here now or you?" Ray asks, raising his eyebrows.
"You, obviously," Kendra says quickly. Ray doesn't say anything, unexpectedly, and she's relieved when he changes the subject to their plan once they had eyes on Savage.
"Why didn't you tell me?" Kendra says, and the hurt look on his face is too much to bear.
"I just didn't want you to think less of me," Ray replies.
At this Kendra walks up to Ray, puts her hand on his chest. "Ray. How could I ever think less of you?"
She means it. She remembers loving Carter, sure. But here and now she loves Ray. She just wishes it was easier to separate the two.
"Well, now we've got that off our chests –"
"– what does that mean for us?" says Kendra.
"I don't know," Ray says honestly.
"Neither do I."
"You want to know the funny thing?" Ray says quietly after a moment.
"What?"
"The mother of my – child. We only slept together the once. And she ghosted me pretty soon after."
"Did she know who you were?" Kendra asks. "I mean, you're supposed to be dead, aren't you?"
"If she did, she didn't say anything," Ray says. "I used a fake name. We just… got talking at a bar one day in Coast City. I was still trying to figure out why I was even still alive, why no one had cared when I died."
"That's not true," Kendra reasons. "You got the city renamed in honour of you."
"And when I left it last, it was a mess," Ray says with just a trace of bitterness in his voice. "I just didn't know everything I had left behind is all."
"Do you want to – go back?"
"To 2016? No. We have a mission and I keep my word. I said I was going to help. But after all this is over, with Savage –"
"– and assuming we make it out in one piece," Kendra adds, and Ray nods.
"– yeah. I want to go back. Fix things. If I can."
And for some reason – she doesn't know exactly why, but she tiptoes and kisses him. He kisses her back, but when she pulls away he looks surprised.
"What was that for?"
"Just – I know what I said about Carter but that doesn't mean I don't love you too, Ray. I – was drawn to you. And there's got to be a reason for that."
"What do you think that is?" He still looks hurt by what she said about feeling like she was cheating on Carter with him, and she feels something tug hard at her heart at the look on his face.
"I don't know. Maybe because – I've loved and I've lost, Ray. And so have you."
"So, what, does that make us kindred spirits?" Ray says lightly, but with the beginnings of a smile on his lips.
Sounds a hell of a lot better than soulmates, Kendra thinks.
"Something like that."
He leans down to kiss her again, and when he leans his forehead against hers he whispers, "I love you" to her under his breath.
Kendra's eyes are still closed, but she nods, pressing her lips together. "I know."
"Look, Ray, Carter is my past," Kendra tells him, and she means it. "You are my future."
He still doesn't look quite convinced, though, so she leans down, kisses him, and her heart soars when he kisses her back. She smiles, hands still framing his face when they break apart, still with their foreheads leaning together.
"I love you too," he murmurs back, and some of the worry that's settled in Kendra's chest, melts away, to her relief.
"You okay?" she asks as she goes to sit on the bed. "You seem – off. And not just because of… you know."
"Yeah. Just wondering."
"About…"
"About if I'm meant to feel disappointed that that girl wasn't my great-great-great-grandchild."
Their eyes meet and Kendra can see it now, the hurt, the confusion that's there. "It's not about what you're meant to feel," she says firmly. He joins her on the bed, then, legs swinging nervously, and Kendra puts her hand on his knee, steadying him. "Hey. It's okay to feel upset."
"We talked about it, Anna and me," Ray says. "About having kids. We both… decided it was too early. In either of our careers it just wasn't the right time. But we wanted them. One day."
"You would have made a great father," Kendra says.
"Thank you," Ray says gratefully, "but what makes you so sure?"
She thinks about it, thinks about not saying anything once more. After all, it wouldn't be the first time she's held back about her past lives when it comes to Ray. But this time feels different, somehow. She feels… ready, for the first time, to talk about it. "Because I've been a parent," she says eventually. "I know the kind of love you have to be capable of to care for a child. And your heart," she says, putting her hand on his chest, "is brimming with it."
"You think so?" Ray says softly.
"I know so." Kendra opens her mouth to say something, but she doesn't quite know where to begin. Ray waits patiently, though, gently expectant, and it's easier for Kendra when he takes her hands into his own and squeezes. "The flashes I've been having – they're not just of Carter."
"They're of Aldis too."
"How did you –"
"You're not the only perceptive one," he teases, and she laughs. "That, and I don't know if you realise, but you talk in your sleep. Last night I heard you say his name a few times."
"Well… in those dreams, Aldis is – maybe five or six. Carter – he called him 'slugger', and I always used to tell him off for that," Kendra says with a nostalgic smile. Ray smiles too, not letting go of her hand. "And I remember me talking to Carter about… whether us having a family was selfish."
"How could it be selfish?" Ray asks.
"Because… we had to move every couple of years. Even in those flashes I remember having this – feeling that Savage was near. That we had to move somewhere else, even if it turned out to be nothing, because we risked too much if it was Savage and there was even the tiniest possibility he could hurt our child. We had to change our identities, too, and often. I've had so many names, Ray, too many to even try and count."
"It's not selfish."
"What?"
"It's not selfish," Ray repeats firmly. "To want a family. Even with everything you two had to go through to get it, you deserved to be happy. And I can tell… being a mother made you happy."
"It did," Kendra says. "It made me so happy. Some of the best times in all my lives were when I was a parent. And remembering it reminds me of that."
"Do you ever wonder… if that could be us one day?"
She has to admit – the thought's crossed her mind, sure, but she's never really given it much consideration. That much must be obvious from the look on her face, though, because Ray immediately adds, "You don't have to answer that."
"No, Ray, it's okay," Kendra says. "I… all I know for sure is that any child who has you as a father would be so incredibly lucky to have you in their life."
He squeezes her hand. "I thought about it, sometimes. The two years we were gone. And I thought about it a lot with Anna. What it would be like to have a mini version of me or her running around."
"And?"
"And the thought terrifies me," Ray admits with a nervous laugh. "Because all I can think of is that I won't be good enough, that somehow I'll let this kid down."
"Is that why the thought of having that – lovechild spooked you so much?"
"All I could think of was that this child of mine would have grown up without a father. That I… let them down. Just like I let down all the people who are important to me."
"You've never let me down," Kendra says firmly. "And for the record," she adds, cupping his cheek and looking up at him, "I love you too."
Maybe, if she hopes hard enough, that will be enough.