A/N: And another Mike/Ryan One-Shot. Somehow I just can't stop writing them. They are so inspiring most of the time. And this one was inspired from episode 2x11 and was written BEFORE 2x12 even aired, so some kind of Alternative Universe, or rather, my take on how things SHOULD have gone between Mike and Ryan.
Claire is alive and Ryan is pissed – to say at least – and he can't quite process how someone that was supposed to be his best friend could have kept a secret like that from him for such a long time.
Honesty
Mike was anxious to say at least. He was pacing up and down in his hotel room, trying to calm himself down. Easier said than done, though. Ever since Claire had shown up at Ryan's apartment, things between Mike and Ryan were up in the air. The shock about Claire's resurrection had been visible in Ryan's eyes and all Mike could think about was 'please don't hate me' – as egoistic as it sounded. He knew keeping this secret from Ryan had been a huge mistake, but he didn't have a choice. The FBI had threatened to take away his job and make sure he never worked as a detective again; a risk Mike hadn't been willing to take. Besides, even he had to agree that it was probably safer for Claire if no one knew.
Still, keeping this secret for so long had weighted heavily on Mike's shoulders. Whenever Ryan had brought up Claire and his desire to take revenge on Joe Carroll for her death, it had felt like a punch to Mike's stomach. More than once he had considered coming clean and telling Ryan everything, but somehow he had never found the courage to do so.
Apart from that, those stupid feelings had started to rise within him again. Feelings he had had before but finally managed to get over. Or so he thought. The months he hadn't seen Ryan, the crush on his colleague had dissipated, but then Agent Phillips had appeared at his doorstep and had offered him his old job back. And of course he had taken it. Ever since he had started working with Ryan again things had gotten quite complicated. Most of the time he was pretty good at hiding his feelings, but then there were moments like after Lily Gray had killed his dad, where Ryan had been his pillar of strength. Mike had no idea how he could have survived this night if it hadn't been for Ryan holding him in his arms right there at the steps of the FBI-Building until he had stopped crying. And then Ryan had even taken him home with him, spending the night cuddled up against the couch. And Mike had really needed that.
For a moment there he had allowed himself to hope that maybe, maybe, at some point Ryan would return his affection. That Ryan had felt what he had felt when he had held him in his arms. Obviously he had been wrong, though. He had clearly misinterpreted the moments he had had with Ryan for something they hadn't been. He knew that now.
Carrie Cooke – this damn reporter chick – had managed to snake her way into Ryan's life, and possibly even into his heart. Ever since Ryan had started seeing her he was a different person. He smiled a lot more and he seemed genuinely happy. It broke Mike's heart that this woman had managed to do something he hadn't been able to. That Ryan looked at her the way Mike wanted him to look at him.
Or used to. Until this evening. Until Claire had showed up at Ryan's doorstep and had turned his life upside down. It had been a shock, even for Mike, since he hadn't expected Claire to go through with her decision to see Ryan. Or rather, he didn't think the FBI would let her. Obviously he had been wrong. Things had gone down so quickly that he hadn't even had the chance to prepare Ryan for what was coming. They should have just given Mike a couple of minutes to explain everything to Ryan, but he hadn't been that lucky unfortunately.
Ryan's look had been so full of horror that it had terrified Mike. Because he wasn't sure Ryan would ever be able to forgive him his betrayal. When Ryan had asked him to leave it had been like a knife being pushed into Mike's chest and then twisted painfully, but of course he had complied. Mike had no idea what was going to happen now, and he was scared to find out. It was a known fact that Claire was the love of Ryan's life and having her back would most likely change things drastically.
A knock at the door brought Mike back to reality. He didn't expect anyone, so he had no idea who it could be. Maybe Ryan had told Max everything and she was here now to tell him what an asshole he was. Or maybe it was Ryan himself telling him that they were done, and this time for good. Mike was scared, and then there was another knock – this time a lot more aggressive than the first time.
For a moment Mike considered not opening at all. He could always say that he hadn't been there afterwards, but he also knew that he couldn't avoid whoever was standing out there forever, as much as he maybe wanted to. "I'm coming!" he shouted towards the door. He made his way into the hallway and took a deep breath before his hand found the door latch. Pressing it down the door swung open and before Mike could react in any way Ryan had already pushed his way inside Mike's room.
"I need to talk to you," Ryan informed him. The tone of his voice was cold and distant and felt like a punch to Mike's stomach. Of course he could understand that Ryan was angry and disappointed in him, but Mike wholeheartedly hoped that he would get the chance to at least explain himself.
"I know. And I hoped you would stop by, because I need to talk to you too," Mike gave back when he pushed the door shut and followed Ryan into the living room. He was glad that the FBI had provided such a big suite for him to stay in, even though he barely used it anyways. Especially since his father had died and he had basically moved in with Ryan. But when he was actually here it felt good to have so much space.
"I thought I could trust you," Ryan said directly once he sat down on the couch. "I really thought we were honest with each other."
Each word cut like a knife and Mike could barely look at Ryan. Because Ryan was right. Because he knew that if it was the other way round he would probably feel the exact same way. He would feel betrayed too. He couldn't blame Ryan one bit, but still it hurt that Ryan didn't even consider how hard it was for him to keep this secret from him.
"You can trust me," Mike said, sitting down next to him. "And we are honest with each other."
"Oh yeah?" Ryan gave back, turning his head to look at him. "You knew for over a year that Claire was alive. All the time you lied straight to my face. Have you any idea what you did to me?"
"It wasn't my decision," Mike tried to defend himself. "You really think I would be that cruel? You really think I would have told you she was dead if I had had another choice?" Mike shook his head in disbelief. "Do you even know how hard it was for me not to tell you?"
"Hard for you?" Ryan interrupted him and then let out a hollow laugh. "I blamed myself for her death. I thought it was my fault that they killed her. I felt responsible for Joey not having a mother anymore, when in reality she was with him all the time. In witness protection. And if it wasn't for her I still wouldn't know that she's alive. I have to thank her for that, not you."
"Ryan, please," Mike gave back exasperated. "I can assure you that keeping this from you was the hardest thing I ever had to do. Whenever you talked about her, whenever you told me how much you missed her and how much you wanted revenge for her death, I wanted to tell you, but I couldn't. They- the FBI threatened to take everything away from me. What was I supposed to do?" He reached out to touch Ryan's arm, but immediately Ryan pulled away.
"Don't touch me!" he warned, looking at him angrily. "You know, I thought by coming here I could maybe try to understand what you were thinking, but now I'm not so sure it was such a good idea anymore. I better leave."
Getting off the couch he was already in the hallway when Mike finally reacted. Jumping up he followed him and managed to grab his arm. "Ryan, don't! Please don't go," he literally begged. "I know I made a mistake, but please… please let me explain."
Shaking off Mike, Ryan turned around to face him once more. "What is there to explain? I think you already said it all. You made your decision. You chose the FBI over me, and that's okay. I just wish I had known before I let you back into my life."
Mike's eyes started burning and it took a lot of effort not to let the tears fall. He knew he was on the verge of losing Ryan, and the worst part was that it was his own fault. He could have decided to tell Ryan. He knew he could trust him, but this was Claire and in this case Mike didn't trust him enough not to do anything stupid. He could have totally blown up the whole witness protection thing and it would have been Mike's fault. Mike knew Ryan would have never given up until he had found Claire. But if he was honest with himself, it wasn't the only reason he kept it from him. Deep down he knew there was something more, and maybe it was time to put all his cards on the table. He had nothing to lose anymore. Ryan wanted to leave anyway, and if he walked out of this door Mike was sure he wouldn't see him again unless it was work-related. And probably not even that. Ryan would find a way to avoid him if he really wanted to.
"I didn't tell you because I was scared," he blurted out.
Tilting his head Ryan looked at him. "Scared of what?" he asked, confused.
"Scared to lose you," Mike replied, taking a step towards Ryan. "I knew having her back would change everything for you. I knew she's the love of your life and I-I knew it would probably mean a new start for the two of you. I was scared to lose you to her."
"I-I don't understand," Ryan admitted. "Lose me to her? I would never abandon you, Mike, you should know that. Knowing that she is alive wouldn't change that." Ryan's bewilderment was visible on his face.
Biting his lower lip Mike looked at him. "You really don't get it, do you?"
"Get what?" Ryan blurted out. He almost seemed a little annoyed by now.
"I love you, for god's sake! I've been in love with you for months," Mike finally admitted, and even though he knew his confession could make things much worse between him and Ryan, it also felt good that it was finally out. It felt liberating. It was as if a huge weight had been lifted off his shoulders. This was the last secret he had kept from Ryan and now everything was out in the open. Now it was on Ryan to react.
"What is this?" Ryan wanted to know. "A trick to keep me from leaving?"
"You think I would joke about something like that?" Mike asked, outraged. "You really believe I would basically come out to you if I didn't mean it?"
Ryan looked at him, but he didn't reply. It seemed like he had to stomach what he had just heard and Mike couldn't blame him one bit. He almost regretted already that he couldn't keep his mouth shut. What if Ryan hated him now more than ever? What if he couldn't deal with it?
"Since when?" Ryan finally found his voice again. He lifted his head and stared at Mike.
Confused, Mike looked back. "Since when what?" He had no idea what exactly Ryan wanted him to say right now and he really didn't understand the question.
"Since when do you feel this way?" Ryan asked. It was a question Mike hadn't expected and also one he couldn't answer right away. It was something he needed to think about for a moment. But Ryan didn't pressure him, he just stood there waiting.
"I-I think it hit me the night you and Claire got attacked by Molly," Mike finally said. "I mean, you were always special to me, Ryan, since right from the start. I would have done anything for you, no matter what. That's why I tried to protect you when you shot the guy that was responsible for Debra's death." Letting out a deep sigh, Mike leaned against the wall behind him. "When the FBI called me and told me that one of Joe's followers had stabbed you and Claire, all I could think about is that I don't wanna lose you, and that I have no idea how to go on without you. I'm not the type of guy that gets scared easily, but when your life was in danger and they didn't know if you would pull through I was terrified to never see you again. I'd never been that frightened, ever," Mike explained. "And then I realized what it really was that I felt for you. I always assumed it was some kind of idolism because you were my role model and I wanted to be like you-"
"No, Mike!" Ryan interrupted him. "Believe me. No one wants to be like me. Not if they know who I really am and what I'm capable of."
"You've been through so much," Mike defended Ryan.
"I was a worthless drunk," Ryan disagreed.
Immediately, Mike took a step towards him. "You were never worthless to me," he whispered. "Not even when we were just friends. I always looked up to you. You gave my life a new meaning, a new purpose. Since I've known you I've done so many good things. We've done so many good things."
"Your life was in danger because of me. If it wasn't for me, Roderick would have never gotten so close to you. Roderick would have never managed to almost kill you. You should have stayed where you were. You shouldn't have come back," Ryan pointed out bitterly. "If you hadn't come back we wouldn't be in this situation right now."
"Yeah, but I did come back," Mike replied. "And even though you hate me right now, I don't regret it. The only thing I regret is that I didn't have the chance to tell you about Claire myself. And that I didn't tell you how I feel earlier, even though I don't think it would have changed anything."
"You think?" Ryan asked, reaching out and grabbing Mike by the waist. "You really think I would have started anything with Carrie if I had known?" His voice was raspy and deep all of a sudden, and his tone sent shivers down Mike's spine. He had no idea what was about to come when Ryan took another step towards him so they were pressed close against each other. Ryan placed his other hand onto Mike's cheek and only a mere seconds later Mike could feel Ryan's lips on his own. It completely overwhelmed him. He couldn't believe that this was really happening. He must have fallen asleep on the couch and none of this was real. But why did it feel so real then? His knees turned to jelly and he had to cling to Ryan not to pass out. Everything around him started to fade away and all he could think about was how long he had been wanting this and how good it felt when their lips started to move against each other.
But then realization hit him. Ryan Hardy was kissing him.
Pulling back and pushing Ryan away, Mike took a step back. "Woah, Ryan. What… what are you doing?" he asked shakily, his lips still tingling from the feeling Ryan had left there. Everything inside of him was screaming to get back to kissing him, he was longing for Ryan with every fibre of his heart, but he couldn't just let go. Not as long as he didn't know what this was all about. When Ryan had arrived here he basically hated him and now he was doing that?
"I'm kissing you," Ryan gave back calmly. "What does it look like I'm doing?"
Mike bit his bottom lip nervously. "I know that, but why are you kissing me? What about Claire? What about Carrie? Shouldn't you be with one of them right now?"
"You really thought I would be getting back together with Claire, didn't you?" Ryan wanted to know.
Mike nodded. "Of course. I mean, she's the love of your life."
"She was," Ryan confirmed. "But… I moved on with my life. And so did she. She even has a boyfriend now."
"Then why is she back?" Mike asked, confused.
"She thinks she can help me catch Joe once and for all… I'll explain everything later," Ryan promised, closing the distance between them once more and holding Mike tightly. "Can I now go back to kissing you?"
"I still don't understand," Mike admitted. "I thought you and Carrie-"
"I settled for her because I thought I couldn't have you. I'm gonna talk to her first thing tomorrow, I promise." Ryan sounded sincere and Mike believed him, even though that probably was a bit naïve. But he trusted Ryan, still, and he was sure that Ryan wouldn't play such an awful game with me.
"So does that mean, you-"
Once again Ryan interrupted him. "I love you too, Mike. But I always thought my feelings were one-sided. Had I known they weren't I would have acted a lot earlier. And then I would have never started anything with Carrie, because even when I was with her all I could think about was you. I just hoped with the time those feelings would fade away and I could be happy with her, but truth be told: I was probably fooling myself."
"So you don't hate me anymore?" Mike asked hopefully.
"No," Ryan confirmed. "No, I don't. I don't think I ever could hate you. I was just pissed at you for not telling me about Claire. Promise me one thing, Mike."
"Anything," Mike hurriedly said.
"No more secrets," Ryan replied. "That's all I'm asking. For you to be completely honest with me from now on. No matter what."
"No more secrets," Mike assured him. He couldn't help the smile that was spreading on his lips. "So… can we now get back to the kissing part?"
A low chuckle left Ryan's lips. "I thought you'd never ask."
And with that his lips found Mike's in a kiss that took Mike's breath away.