A/N: Post-Twilight, with Kate dead (for me it's like a record!). Set to "4am Forever" by Lost Prophets. Tony reflects over how much he misses her/will miss her. Tateish b/c I can't write anything without some kind of ship. This isn't particularly good in my opinion, but I'm really unhappy at the moment so I write depressingly. Is that a word? Humm... Thanks Zoe (Queen Satan) for betaing. Love you:)
Disclaimer: Nothing's mine, and never will be.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tony DiNozzo sighed as he slammed his apartment door and collapsed on the couch. He hadn't been able to get away from work in nearly a week, and hadn't been able to think over what had happened at all. He closed his eyes and could see Kate laying on the floor, blood surrounding her head, and her eyes staring blankly up at the sky. The whole team had gone through the week in auto-pilot, doing what they had to without thinking about it, trying not to notice how lonely and quiet it was now she was gone.
Only a week ago he'd seen a different side to her, a side he'd never been able to see before. She'd stayed with him in isolation even though he was infected and she wasn't, trying to make him believe she had no choice. He'd woken up the next morning and smiled when he saw she was still laying on the bed next to him, and he knew he had to know why she really stayed. But fate had a way of intervening and he never got the chance to ask her.
He grabbed the remote for his stereo off the table and pressed play, not sure what song he would hear but needing something to break the silence. He sat up when he heard the opening music start and didn't try to fight the tears that welled up in his eyes.
Yesterday I lost my closest friend.
Yesterday I wanted time to end.
I wonder if my heart will ever mend.
I just let you slip away.
4 AM forever.
He knew he could have done so much more to save Kate's life on the roof earlier that week. Ari had kidnapped Kate before, and both Tony and Gibbs knew he had some kind of obsession with her. They should have known to protect her better, or at least know it was never as simple as they'd made it out to be, especially not where Ari was concerned.
Maybe I'll never see you smile again.
Maybe you thought that it was all pretend;
All these words that I could never say.
I just let them slip away.
4 AM forever.
Tony took a deep breath as he realized how much he'd wanted to tell Kate but hadn't had the time to. Someone had once told him "You never know how much you love someone until you lose them" And that was ringing over and over in his head. He'd thought after surviving the plague nothing else would affect him for a while, at least until he'd had the chance to confront his feelings. But life was just so unexpected, you could never predict what was around the corner. He put his head in his hands and whispered Kate's name to himself. He knew she couldn't hear him but somehow it comforted him.
Why don't you hear me when I'm calling out to you?
Why don't you listen when I try to make it through?
Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye, you never know.
Hold a little tighter.
4 AM forever.
He pulled his cell phone out of his pocket and clicked onto photos. He smiled at the photo he had of Kate at the wet t-shirt contest. He'd promised her he would delete that picture but something in him made it impossible. Seeing her smiling up at him made his heart ache at how much he missed her. He closed his eyes and remembered some of the good times he'd had with her. He raised his hand to his face and smiled to himself, feeling where her wet sponge had hit him. He'd give anything to hear her voice again, even if it was her terrible singing.
Maybe one day when I can move along.
Maybe one day when you can hear this song.
You won't let it slip away.
4 AM forever.
He put his phone down and walked into the kitchen, taking a chocolate bar from the cupboard. He stared at it, knowing exactly what Kate would say if she was there. "That's not healthy, Tony, you need to eat healthier food, not always that crap." He rolled his eyes and put the bar away, instead taking an apple from the fruit bowl. He wondered how long he'd have her voice echoing in his mind, and how long he'd live by the advice she used to give him.
And I'd wish the sun would never come.
It's 4 AM and you are gone.
I hope you know you're letting go.
It's 4 AM and I'm alone.
Tony walked back into the living room and looked at the picture on the wall with the whole NCIS team smiling back at him. He gently brushed his finger over Kate's face and sighed. He knew he'd never see that smile again, never hear her laugh, never touch her skin. And there was nothing he could do about it. He picked up the remote control and stopped the music, not wanting to hear anymore songs that would remind him of her. He finished his apple quickly and threw the core into the bin. He made his way to the bedroom and laid down on the bed, not even bothering to change his clothes. He didn't know how he'd get past the feeling inside him right now, but he knew he had no choice. She was gone, and there was nothing anyone could do about it.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A/N2: Depressing, I know. Fits my mood too. Wanna make me happy and review? Please.
Until next time, Beth.