A/N: Because I swear, one day I will write the Niffler story, but for the moment, this will have to surfice.

Disclaimer: Sirius and James and their tomfoolery are the property of J K Rowling, as is everyone else mentioned.

Princess Potter

"You're a toffee-nosed little brat, Sirius Black."

"And you're a spoilt little tosser, James Potter."

"Am not!"

"To hell you are!"

"Least I'm not so up myself I can see what I ate for fucking lunch!"

Sirius raised an eyebrow. "What was that?"

"What do you think it bloody was?"

"No, seriously," Sirius grinned with not even a hint of irony, "What I ate for lunch? What sort of shitty come back is that? It's like saying 'ya mum'."

James scowled. "There's nothing I could say about your mom that hasn't been said though, is there mate?"

"Woah!" Sirius backed away, his hands up. "Don't you go dissin' ma mama, blud!"

"What you gonna do about it, darlin'?" James grinned, hands on hips. "Bite me?"

"He'd give you rabies." Remus dropped his bulging bag down beside the bed and tumbled in, burying his head in the sheets.

"Oi! I got me jabs, you know, Moons. Mummy says I'm not contagious anymore."

"Unless stupidity's contagious."

"Shut it Potter!"

"Make me, Black."

Sirius lobbed a pillow at James, who ducked, giggling. "You throw like a girl."

"To fuck I don't!"

James snatched a pillow off Peter's bed and caught Sirius slap round the head with it. "To fuck you do!"

Sirius growled and leapt across the bed at James, the two of them tumbling to the floor in a tangle of legs and curses. Sirius pinned James' easily, the scrawny boy scowling up at his mate.

"Queer."

"Wanker."

"Get off me bender!"

Sirius grinned, sitting heavily on James' stomach. "You know you like it Jamesy."

"Fuck off, Black." James squirmed ineffectually. "Get your bloody boyfriend off me, Lupin!"

Remus groaned from the confines of his bed. "Sort your own sodding problems out."

The two boys exchanged glances. "Time of the month." Sirius muttered.

"Fuck yes," James groaned back.

Sirius snorted.

"What?"

"Fuck yes!" He threw his hair back and started to grind his hips into James'.

"You filthy bastard!" James yelped, throwing Sirius off and scrabbling to his feet. "Moons, sort your fucking randy boyfriend out!"

"Yeah, Moons," Sirius grinned from the floor. "Sort me out."

Remus lifted his head from his pillows and glared at Sirius. "I'll sort both of you out if you don't get your sorry arses out of here."

Sirius and James glanced at each other and then got to their feet and scrambled out of their dormitory. "Race you to the top of the astronomy tower?"

Sirius scowled. "Last time we did that bloody Fabian Prewett was eating some Ravenclaw's face."

"Fine," James grinned, "I think it's time we put that Niffler to good use, don't you?"

Sirius turned to him and beamed. "Princess James Potter you are a fucking genius."

"McGonagall?"

"Fuck yes."