Heather

Age: 14 ½

I shifted my weight on Lulu's outdoor furniture set. The cushioned seat that I was sitting on was still damp from when I sat on it in my wet bathing suit earlier after we had gotten back from surfing before we had all changed into clothes. None of the others had sat on their chairs, so obviously they were all sitting comfortably, with dry butts and no worries. I decided to sit on my foot, which didn't help much but sort of worked as a barrier between my butt and soggy, damp cloth.

Lulu opened and shut her patio door and came flouncing towards us, holding something behind her back. She ran on her tip-toes, like the ground was made of clouds and if she didn't step lightly enough then she might fall through. She flopped onto her respective patio chair looked at us with the giddiness she only ever got when she disobeyed her parents.

"Gummyworms, anyone?" she said and revealed the surprise she had been hiding behind her; a giant bag of gummy candy worms. She took one more cautious look towards the sliding glass to make sure her mother wouldn't discover them.

"They aren't the sugarless kind your dad always gets from the health food store, are they?" Clementine asked, accompanied by the disapproving-raised-eyebrow-face that was her signature.

At this Lulu's smile widened and she shook her head a few times quickly. She opened the bag and popped one into her mouth, moaning with pleasure. Lulu's parents are totally granola. They don't let Lulu or her younger sister eat anything that isn't organic or all natural. Lulu has tried to get them to buy normal people food, but all that has ever resulted in is ultra-healthy homemade alternatives. Lulu is always sneaking forbidden foods into the house, stashing them in her room so her parents don't find them, and taking the packages to school with her and throwing them out there to get rid of the evidence.

Upon confirmation that they aren't the dreaded sugarless version, Clementine gladly reaches into the bag and pulls out a couple. Lulu holds the bag out to me. "No thanks," I say, reaching for a couple of vegetable chips that Mrs. Mendes had set out for us. I have never been a fan of gummy candy.

"I bet you would take some if they were Gummy-Noahs." Courtney teased, looking up from her phone. My toes curled instinctively and I look down at my lap. An uncontrollable smile spreads across my face as I picture Noah Sweetwine's face in gummy form. Even then it's still pretty cute.

"Hey, are you ever gonna make a move on him?" Clementine asks, nudging my leg with her yellow toe-nailed feet. We always match our nail colors when we can. This week the color was yellow, chosen by Courtney.

"Uh, I don't know." I say, my face getting hot. I push a tangled strand of damp hair behind my ear. "Sometimes I think he's sending me signals, and then other times he's completely gone. Most of the time he's pretty down though. He talks about his mom a lot, you know? How much he misses her. I kinda feel bad. I don't want to do anything if he doesn't want to."

Memories of whole afternoons spent sitting across from him on his bed flashed into my mind. He could talk for hours about his mom. The stories she would tell, what she looked like, how her soul was like a giant sunflower. He would paint marvelous murals in my mind with only his words. All of them had a deeply heartbreaking tone to them. Just like his voice did.

There had been a few months after Mrs. Sweetwine passed where he wouldn't see or talk to anyone. I would come by his house sometimes to see if he was okay, or if he needed someone to talk to. I would drop off casseroles that I made myself for their family. Mr. Sweetwine was always nice to me. He would invite me in and talk to me most of the time, even when Noah wouldn't, although he seemed pretty distant during our conversations. Often he would forget what kind of casserole I brought him, and ask me several times to remind him what was in it. He had a kind nature though, so I didn't mind. He treated me like I was one of the family.

"Well, maybe he needs a distraction." Lulu suggested, munching away on her gummies.

"What do you mean?" I asked
"Come on Heather, you know." Courtney looked at me with a condescending smirk. She did that often, it was one of the things about her that annoyed me. "He's obviously not making any moves because he's thinking too hard about his mom. You just have to show him that she's gone, but you're still here. You know, distract him a little." Her tone made it obvious what that last part was implying, which only made my cheeks redder. I noticed my foot getting numb underneath my butt and shifted my weight again, this time pulling my knees up to my chest.

Maybe Courtney was right. She had certainly never had any problem with guys. Well, there was that one time with Brian…

I shook the water off my red polka-dot umbrella as I reached the Sweetwine porch, where I was sheltered from the heavy downpour. I closed it before ringing the doorbell. I waited, listening for Noah's feet padding down the stairs from his room. I could usually hear them from outside if I listened hard enough, and I could usually tell if it was Noah who was coming to answer the door or his dad. Jude never did.

Today it was Noah.

"Hey," he greeted as he swung open the door and invited me in, taking my umbrella and my jacket like the gentleman he was. I took him in as he hung things up in the closet. His hair was scruffy and messed up in that cute boyish way, like he had just spent the morning in bed. His tee-shirt was thin and seemed to emphasize his lankiness. His pajama pants, confirming my earlier suspicion about spending the morning in bed. A part of me wished I was still wearing my pajamas. The two of us, hanging out in his room, both wearing pajamas … there was something so tempting about the thought.

"Hey, so I guess you got Margo's text about morning run being cancelled today." I said, in reference to his outfit choice.

"Yeah, well, I sort of figured. It's been raining like this all morning." He said and put his hands in his pockets. Where did he get pajamas with pockets? Why didn't girl pajamas have pockets? Why did he look so cute with his hands in his pockets? He shouldn't be allowed to have pockets.

"Oh. Right. Yeah, that probably would have given it away." I laughed nervously. He disappeared into his house and took the stairs two by two. I followed, talking as I went. "But I mean, sometimes we still run even if it's raining, you know? If it's not raining too hard. I kind of think it's the best time to go running. The water is pretty refreshing." I was close behind him on the familiar route to his room, all too aware of how much I was rambling.

He turned around quickly, right outside his door frame. Too quickly. I didn't even have time to stop and i bumped right into his chest. Oh, God, I'm so awkward. Red hot coals filled my cheeks. I looked down so he wouldn't see. He put his hands on my shoulders to steady me.

"Wanna see something cool I the other day?" he asked.

Always, I thought.

"Sure, I guess." I said nonchalantly. I even added a shrug to emphasize how nonchalant I was being. He turned and continued into his bedroom, kneeling by his bed and slipping an envelope from under his mattress. He plopped down and patted a space next to him, which I didn't dally at filling. He opened the envelope and pulled out a series of photographs. They were of none other than his mom. But they didn't look like the other pictures Noah had shown me of her. These all had a certain style to them. Like they were all taken by one specific photographer.

"Who took them?" I asked

"I don't know. I found them while going through some boxes in the basement. I've never seen them before. But they look pretty recent. Like they were taken not too long before…" he trailed off and his face became a weeping willow, his dark curls hanging around his face like drooping branches. This visit was quickly taking a familiar turn. It seemed like whenever I was over, that was all we would talk about- his mom. Normally it wouldn't bother me. If he needed someone to talk to, I could be there for him, because it didn't seem like he had many other options. Jude was constantly M.I.A. and Mr. Sweetwine, no offense to him, but he didn't seem like the most attentive listener.

It was just- now I had Courtney's words in my head, and this feeling like she was watching through some secret camera, judging how I handled the situation. All the girls knew I was here today. They were going to expect news the next time we hung out, which would have been tomorrow unless the rain let up. In which case it would be later that day. My stomach was already twisting into nervous knots.

"Don't you think we've talked about her enough?" I blurted out. I instantly regretted it.

"Huh?" He met my eyes. His face looked like his mind was just coming out of a cloud of thought.

"Um, well, it's just- every time I'm here, we talk about her. I just, I know closure is really important but, I just think at this point it's making you more sad is all.

His eyes went from me back to the photographs. Like he was capturing them in his mind, memorizing them, as if he couldn't just take them out later and look at them some more. As if when he shut the envelope and slipped it under his mattress again, they would vanish forever.

"I guess you're right." He said. I could tell he didn't think I was right. "Uh, what do you want to talk about?"

What did I want to talk about? Well that was new. I tried to think quickly, but I was drawing blanks. All I could think about was his hands in my hair and his hot lips on my lips back at Courtney's sister's party. Seven minutes in the closet with Noah. That was all I had gotten in the two years that I had liked him. Highlight of my love life.

"Been to any good parties lately?" I asked absently. I came to and realized what a dorky, out-of-the-blue question that was. It sounded stupid as it echoed in my head.

"Parties?" He raised his eyebrows, "Not really. I mean I've been to a few since Cour-"

"Courtney's sister's party?" I finished his sentence. It was like our minds were in sink. How perfect! Could it be possible he was still thought about those minutes in the closet with me like I did about him? My heart raced.

"Yeah. Pretty eventful night." he said, his mind was going distant again, I could see it in his eyes.

"I'll say." I said, and then pulled a bold move. Courtney would have been proud. "By the way, where'd you learn to kiss like that?" I looked at him in the flirty way that Courtney always used on guys. She had a way of making guys putty in her hands. I wished I had that skill.

"Where did I- oh." He cut himself off this time. He was blushing now, I could see it under the wisps of hair. His tan skin getting fiery red like the sunsets he used to draw. "Uh, I don't know. I was kind of just winging it."

"Well you seemed pretty good to me. There would just be one little thing I would tweak." I giggled. It was easier than I had thought to flirt like Courtney did.

"Wh-what?" He stuttered.

Even his stuttering was adorable.

He was just adorable.

"Mm, it's not the kind of thing I can explain. I would kind of have to show you…" I said leaning in. He didn't move, he just stood still, like he had in the closet. I took it as a good sign. Maybe he just waited for other people to make the first move. My stomach was doing flips as I puckered my lips and my eyes fluttered shut. I had waited months for another chance at what had happened at the party and it was finally happening! I almost couldn't believe it.

Finally my lips met something, but it certainly wasn't his lips. I opened my eyes and pulled away, imaginary question marks popping up all around my head. My eyes focused on what I had kissed, and I realized it was his pillow. His pillow? Noah was holding his pillow in front of his face.

"Umm…?" I said and waited for him to drop the pillow. He did, and I kept my eyes on it, not wanting to meet his. I swallowed, and the seconds ticked by in a way that made them feel like years. My heart was beating so hard I thought it might explode out of my chest and run for the hills. What had just happened?

"Sorry, I just, I don't think I can do that again." was his explanation.

I'll tell you what Courtney would have done with that reply. She would have giggled in her trademark Courtney way, grabbed him by the collar of his white, cotton, shirt, said- no, breathed something along the lines of "Come here, Picasso." in the breathy voice her sister used when we used to eavesdrop on her phone conversations back in grade 5, and kissed him. That's what she would have done, and it probably would have worked to. Boys simply found her irresistible.

"I'm sure you can." was my version of the Courtney strategy. I wrapped my hand around the back of his neck and pulled him towards me. And just before I was about to close my eyes again, he ducked beneath my arm and away from my grip.

"No, I really don't think I can do that again." he repeated, more adamantly. And it was like all of Courtney's flirty spirit flew out of me. It evaporated like water. I receded into my real self, shy and quiet, pulling down the sleeves of my cardigan so they covered half of my hands.

"I don't understand…" I tested my luck at getting answers to all the questions racing around in my head.

"I just can't, okay?"

"But why not?"

"Because."

"But at the party-"

"That was different." He was getting annoyed now.

"Why?" I tried to laugh away hot nervous tears that were forming in my eyes. Why couldn't he just say he didn't like me like that?

"Because." He insisted.
"Because why?" I wasn't myself again. I tried to figure out who I was being but I didn't know. Pushing this much wasn't like me.

"Because I wasn't kissing you!" His raised his voice. I flinched. Noah never raised his voice. He never got mad. He just got quiet and escaped inside of himself. "I mean, I was kissing you. But not really. I was thinking of someone else."

I almost wish I had left the whole thing alone and accepted the fact that he didn't like me. This whole explanation seemed worse than what I had been imagining. It hadn't been a case of, I-liked-you-then-but-we're-so-close-now-I-don't-want-to-ruin-it type of thing. It was a I-never-even-liked-you-that-way type of thing, which was much, much more heartbreaking.

I can tell you what normal me would have done. Normal me would have said something along the lines of "Oh." and probably exited quickly out of the nearest doorway. Or maybe flung myself out the window. But again, for some reason I wasn't being normal me today.

"Who were you thinking about?" I asked. I didn't expect to get anywhere with this. It's not like my tone was in any way inviting.

"No one."

"No one who?" Really, Heather?

"God, Heather, just let it go, will you?"

"Tell me!"

"No!"
"Tell me!"

"Brian!"

"Te- what?" I had been about to say "Tell me." again, our voices swelling into an crescendo that his neighbor's parrot could probably hear. I stopped in my tracks though. Had I heard him right? I couldn't tell but I didn't want to ask. I didn't want to say anything. I studied his face. His anger, the cracks in his composure had hardened into cold granite. It was impossible to read what he was thinking. His jaw was clenched, and the silence dragged on. Thick and frozen like a block of butter you just take out of the freezer. I couldn't cut through it if I wanted to.

"Where the hell is Ralph? Where the hell is Ralph?" There was the bird again. It seemed to be the sharp knife to break the butter- and Noah's composure. He grunted loudly, almost like a growl in the way it resembled an animal and jumped off his bed. I had never seen him this mad. I listened to his footsteps as they entered the hallway bathroom and he slammed the door. Click went the lock.

It took me a second longer, to come to my senses. Of course! Brian was gay too. We had all found out a few days before he had left back to boarding school. Courtney had been extra close to him those last few days. She was the one that had held his hand as he had come out to us. I remember thinking how smug her face had looked. She felt so special because she was the first one to know the truth. Well, not exactly the first.

Brian and Noah had been so close, I just thought it was a guy thing. And now that I thought about it, they had always been next to each other whenever we hung out, whenever it was possible. I could see it now. The way Brian looked at him. The way he looked at Brian. I remember wishing he would look at me with such attentiveness. But I had never read anything more into it.

And then as if a light switch flicked off, everything I had ever felt for Noah nearly disappeared. How could I have been so brainwashed not to notice he really didn't feel anything like that for me? I guess I had been seeing what I wanted to see the whole time. That's when I finally unfroze myself and run after him to the bathroom door. "Noah, come out. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to push you!" I called through the door. No answer.

"Noah? Are you listening? I'm sorry!" I repeated.

Still no answer.

I heard the shower begin to flow. He was making it impossible for him to hear me. It was a tactic I had used in the past when my mom wanted to talk to me about fighting for full custody of my brothers and sister. I knew what he was thinking. He wanted me to leave him alone. He was embarrassed. I wasn't sure if he had told anyone that before. Was I the first one to know? Well, except for Brian.

I knocked on the door one last time before giving up. It was obvious he wasn't going to come out. I contemplated waiting for him in his room until he was done hiding, but then thought it was best to give him space. I padded back to his room, slung my bag over my shoulder and walked towards the front entrance. I glanced one more time at the bathroom door reluctantly. I paused there for a few moments, hoping to hear the shower turning off, but no luck.

I hurried to leave.