By: Prodigus Feldspar
Disclaimer: I don't own any of the KH of KH2 characters. And if I did Xehanort's heartless -I like to call him Ansem, cuz that's a sexy name!- would totally be my man-servant…and I'd make him wear a dress…and clean… and I'd make him do other things too…Excuse me folks, I have to go nosebleed, but have fun reading another one of my crack-fics….
000
"Please?"
"No."
"Please?"
"No!"
"Pretty please with sugar, and hearts, and Sora's corpse and whatever-the-hell-else you like, on top?"
Xemnas stared at his fellow "13" members, and the excitement and hope on their young faces.
"No." He said bluntly.
"But-"Axel began.
"I SAID NO, DAMNIT!" Xemnas roared. He turned away from the red-head and the blonde, and stormed away. Xemnas sensed the blonde behind him pull down his right bottom eyelid and stick his tongue.
"ROXAS!"
"Eeep!" Xemnas heard in reply. He smirked, now I can sit alone in my room and watch my star wars movies, He thought, satisfied that he had gotten rid of the yaoi couple.
"Xemnas!" He heard Axel whine, "You scared Roxas! Now you have to apologize…NO! You have to beg for forgiveness!"
"Yeah!" Roxas chimed, "And if you want me to forgive you, you gotsta (don't ask, I just think Roxas should have cute 'lil funky grammar!) Help us!"
"Why me?" Xemnas whined in his shitty English dub way, extending his E's at every chance, "Why can't you use Saix?"
"No!" Axel and Roxas huffed in unison, "Saix is already Zakuro!"
"Ok…But why-"the grey haired man cringed, "Ichigo?"
"Because you're the leader!" Roxas said happily.
"And you'd look fabulous in cat ears and a cat tail." Axel said, and paused, "But you," He said, turning to Roxas, "look so much better in ears and a tail. And black leather too." The red-head whispered to his blonde lover.
Roxas blushed, "Ssshhh!" He murmured, giggling slightly, "That's our little secret."
Oh, dear lord! Make them stop! Xemnas gagged inwardly, I swear to god on my Star Wars action figure collection, if they don't stop talking about dirty yaoi things, I'm going to keel over and die!
Xemnas cleared his throat loudly.
The two younger men ceased whispering and stood up straight.
"Fine…" Xemnas muttered, barely audible.
"What was that?" Roxas breathed.
Xemnas sighed loudly and dramatically, "I said fine! I wear the god damned outfit and go whatever-it-is-playing with you guys."
Axel and Roxas squealed in delight and began jumping up and down screaming a mixture of the words Squee, W00t, and Xemnas was pretty sure he heard the word "oh em gee", in there too.
What have I done? Xemnas thought with angst, what have I done?
"So what should we start with?" Axel questioned.
"Excuse me?" Xemnas replied.
Roxas pointed at Xemnas, "Koi Wa A La Mode! We need to teach him that! He needs to-" Roxas paused, and, smirking, said, "Get it memorized!"
"Hey!" Axel pouted, "That's my line!"
Axel and Roxas began laughing for no reason at all.
Xemnas was scared to ask, but he had to, "Uh," He said slowly, "What's a "Koi WA a La mode?"
"Love with ice cream on top!" the keyblade master and…Pudding Ring (Tee-hee) Master chimed in unison.
Xemnas stared in shock, "You said this was cosplaying! Not kinky sex!"
Axel and Roxas stared at him for a moment, and then fell on the ground, howling with laughter.
After 20 minutes of laughing manically, Axel and Roxas got up, looked up at their boss, and burst out laughing again.
Diz walked into the room, interrupting their laughter, He was wearing Keiichiiro's annoying outfit complete with a white striped shirt and suspenders. He-concealing his identity, of course- was still wearing his mummy head mask thingy.
He took a bit out of the sea salt popsicle-NOT ICE CREAM, MIND YOU, IT'S A FRIGGIN' POPSICLE!- and said in his accentuated voice, "It is 9 'o clock you, know! Are you ready, everyone?"
"Oh, snap!" Roxas exclaimed.
"I forgot we we're leaving earlier for the convention that usual!" Axel gasped.
"And I haven't even finished Xemnas' outfit yet!" Roxas sobbed, clinging to Axel.
"That's fine, Roxas!" Diz boomed, rolling his tongue on the "R", "I've already constructed Mew Ichigo's battle costume!" He held up the pink, poofy dress with red trim, and a pair of red knee-length boots.
Xemnas stared, dumbfounded.
"Erm…How did you get my sizes?" He asked, quite weirded-out.
"I snuck into your room last night, while you were sleeping, and measured you!" The mummy-faced man declared triumphantly, somehow a slight blush on his masked face.
Everyone froze in horrified silence.
"You…," Xemnas began, "YOU PERVERTED OLD MAN! I KNEW IT, I KNEW IT! THAT'S WHYYOU HAD THAT GIANT PICTURE OF ME IN YOUR PRIVATE STUDY! WHICH YOU WERE ALONE IN ALL OF THE TIME!" Xemnas paused to catch his breath, "I'm glad that you explode in the future, Diz!"
"I-I-I-I-I," Diz pointed to Axel, screaming, "HE'S THE NEW ANSEM! NOT ME!" and jumped out a nearby window, plummeting at mach speed to the ground below.
"Yay!" Axel began dancing around wearing a random head band saying "Ansem" on it, "Now I have an even sexier name!"
The heartless Ans-Xehanort- ran by, stealing the head band and yelling, "I'm sexier than all of you!" (This is extremely true!)
"O…K…" The three remaining people in the room said slowly.
Xemnas picked up the pink, frilly dress he was to wear, "At least Mr. Bandage-face left the dress." He grumbled under his breath, "So what anime is this from?"
"Tokyo Mew Mew!" Roxas exclaimed.
"Got it memorized?" Axel said, happy to use his catch-phrase.
But they were both too late; Xemnas was already in his room, in the midst of changing.
After a few minutes Axel said, "So, Retasu, Have you called Sora yet to come to the convention?"
"Yup, Minto!" Roxas replied cheerily.
Both cosplaying addicts smiled sincerely at each other.
There was only one thing better in the world than being with the person you love and that was embarrassing your boss in front of his worst enemies!
END
Yay! My first KH fic! I just felt like having Xemnas be an uptight non-yaoi bastard in this fic, don't ask. Btw, has anyone else questioned why idiot-who-doesn't-deserve-the-sexy-name-Ansem- the wise had a giant painting of Xehanort in his private study? What do you think he did in there? Hmmmm? Hmmmm? I definitely know it wasn't research! Bwa fa fa! Anyhoo, please review (OMFG! I rhymed!) Reviews are what keep me going in life! Thank you!